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If we can just get through the next 5 weeks....

justmakingthebest's picture

Dinner last night with my niece went really well. I made her cry... a lot! She has lost all confidence in herself and was feeling very alone. Her mom (my sister) and I reassured her that she is not. That we are here for her. She was raised by a strong mom, she has a strong Aunt. We both were single moms for a while. We both made it through and look at how awesome are kids are! The judge has already told her that she was able to see her kids and that her ex can't keep them from her. We have a plan, she is following through and  not going to allow him to beat her and bully her anymore. 

Because I am me... I had a whole power point print out of her to fill in with long and short term goals, career path plans, custody plan, handling conflict with her ex, budgets, living arrangements and her future dreams and personal goals. There were folders... and laminated covers involved... 

I asked her about her dreams for her future, she just broke down and it broke my heart. She is a certified dental assistant, which has crap pay, but she was good and loved it. The restaurant she works at now pays substantially more. However, I walked her through the grants and scholarships she can apply for. She wants to be a hygienist, she is smart and can do it if she works hard and has support. We have a step by step plan for her to start school again next year after we get through the short term goals- living on her own, custody and childcare handled, etc. She is so young and has so much potential, I hate that this abusive narcissistic man has ripped her self esteem to shreds. 

Her custody hearing is set for the same date as DH's, I feel awful that I can't be there for her. However, she is still trying to request 50/50- week on and week off and no CS. Split holiday's. She wants to reassess when the oldest is ready for school. Basically whoever lives in the best school district, stable, etc.- she thinks should take week days and the other parent take weekends. The kids are both under 3. I can't see a judge denying that. I just can't. However, I could never have imagined the shit show we have dealt with.


In other news- my hysterectomy is scheduled for July 16th. Still waiting on the genetics test to determine if I am keeping my ovaries or not... I am freaking out. My boss is freaking out LOL. I am a wimp when it comes to pain. Even though I have made it through 2 c-sections, I am so scared of this surgery!! I told my mom that I wish they could just do the same cut as the caesarians- I know how to move and heal after those! This is different! She said I was crazy LOL

The other thing I am freaking out about is the last and final custody hearing- July 29th . That means I have to fly 10-11 days after surgery. We are staying at my SIL's house, which at least means that I know I can rest while there. She has a lovely guest room and they are so kind and caring. I know that I will be taken care of there if I need to be. 


Siemprematahari's picture

With you and your sister by your nieces side she will come from this a much stronger and resilient young lady. She has the support of two wonderful women and she'll make it through. She needs to continue pushing forward, taking care of herself and focus on creating a stable life for her and her kids. This too shall pass!

Wishing you a speedy recovery from your surgery. Remember to always take care of you.

Best of luck in the custody hearing and may everything work out in your favor.


advice.only2's picture

It shows what good character your niece has to still offer up 50/50 despite all the ex has done to her, even stealing the kids. I really hope it works out for the best.

Good luck with the surgery, prayers that it goes well and your recovery is fast and as pain free as possible.

I hope for the custody hearing that the judge might actually be moved to finally here an alienated parent and do something about it.

futurobrillante99's picture

You're a fantastic aunt - such a cheerleader!!

Good luck on your DH's hearing.

You'll do really well with your surgery - better than you'd imagine. Just remember to TAKE IT EASY afterwards even if you "feel good" - pain will sneak up on you. If they give you pain meds, USE THEM and don't "take a break cuz I feel better." Once pain is allowed to spike again, it's harder to get under control than if you just took the pain relief consistently. Get a binder or a snug girdle/spanx to help with traveling after your procedure and follow all rules about lifting - no exceptions.

justmakingthebest's picture

Thanks for the binder idea! I am really worried about traveling, I really depended on one after my c-sections and totally forgot about it! It's been a few years LOL

ESMOD's picture

I'm curious... why is she doing 50/50 with no CS?  Does she think that the split will be somehow "better" if she is all nice and reasonable and doesn't get out of line?  Does she think her EX won't hate her?

CS is for the child.  Even if she feels she can tote her end of the stick without outside financial assistance.. why not get CS.. if it is ordered and sock it away for the child's higher education?

There is also the high likelihood that her EX is pulling these stunts as a power play.  He likely doesn't care to have the responsibility of the child care.. but is doing this to somehow win over her.. and once they get that overly reasonable CO.. he will most likely continue to be difficult and do one of two things.. either still continue to withhold the kids as a power play.. .or not exercise his visitation.. and put all the burden of raising the children on her.

She is likely making a big mistake trying to be "reasonable" with someone who is not behaving rationally.  She needs to not worry about whether her EX likes her.. and get the most favorable situation that she can.. the most custody.. the most CS that the kids are to be entitled to.  This is not a time to be the better person.. because the better person will often lose in the end.

justmakingthebest's picture

They make comparable incomes right now. He may make $100-200 more per month but that would be it. 

If they don't do 50/50 and she does wind up with more, simply because the judge is pissed at him for his actions, which is possible!, she would request CS. 

While I agree that being reasonable with an irrational person can bite you in the ass, if she feels that this is the best thing for her kids, I can't argue that YET. Right now everything is in dreaded limbo land. Nothing established, nothing on record. Her mom and I agreed that she can try this way to start. We support her. However... if she can't get what is needed for the kids due to his behavior, all bets are off. 

bananaseedo's picture

You are definately being a wonderful support to her.  One thing though, not sure of her age but she is quite young.  I don't think a judge will care too much with whom she lives as long as she has a place/roof for her kids.  If there are other school/financial goals and her uncle can help her out IMO it is completely fine to stay for a while and get 'the village' help as she gets on her feet.  I think sometimes we praise independence so much and push so hard that it ends up delaying financial independence in the long run.  

She can pay him rent-but having an extra set of eyes on babies from a family member when she is young, working, in school is invaluable IMO.


justmakingthebest's picture

I agree that as long as she has her strong village, she will be fine. Our plan is for 1 year. A lot of saving money, building up a household again (since he took everything she had), etc. If it takes longer than it does, but I think at 23 she should at least have a plan and actively work towards that plan.