Frustrations with SS22
DH has been gone for 2 weeks to a school for the Navy. SS22 (Autistic and will likely always live with us) has just been getting on my every last nerve. His tone with me has been ridiculous. He isn't doing what he is asked. He is regressing into old behaviors so quickly (Sneaking soda- he will drink a whole 18 pack in a day if he isn't watched, not showering, lying, etc)
Today I asked him to move a couple of things from the garage to the shed to make room for a table. I told him to grab the Christmas totes and move them, it will be plenty of room.
The phone call with him was so frustrating, I wound up yelling at him and saying - "You are freaking 22 if you can't figure out that the red and green totes are for Christmas stuff, I can't help you. I will deal with it when I get home from work!"
My boss in the office next to me chuckled and said, well at least your house sounds like mine!
It is just so frustrating sometimes to deal with a 22yr old, who acts 6 whenever there is something that I ask him to do! I know what he is capable of. This wasn't too much for him or anything like that. It's just dad isn't home so I am going to get out of doing something JMTB asked me to do.
This school is only 3 weeks and I'm losing it. DH will be deploying next year and then stationed in Japan without us. I am going to have SS on my own for 2 freaking years. What on earth am I going to do??
I love him, I really do, but sometimes he is just a lot and I don't have the patience to deal with him on my own. I guess I didn't realize how quickly DH will back me up when he is home, and now that he isn't SS is taking full advantage.
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Same but different
I am so sorry for situation. I empathize with you. I can't really offer any advice, just that your feelings are valid
Will your DH come down on him
Will your DH come down on him so hard when he returns that SS will be better next time? Or will SS forget all about Dad's reaction by next time? If you can't exert the same level of control as DH does, and he won't listen to you and do what you tell him to do, I don't see how your DH can leave him with you (or why you would be willing to handle him) for really extended periods of time, like when your DH deploys or is stationed abroad without you. Are there any other options for those times, like a group home? Would the thought of having to live somewhere other than with you when DH is away get SS to do as he's told, or is that just not the way his mind works?
You're really in a tough spot. I'd be having lots of discussions with DH once he returns.
It's going to be hard, DH
It's going to be hard, DH will support me, but I also want to support him... and support SS.
I guess I have some thinking to do and really work to figure out what will work.
SS would forget by the time DH leaves again. But I do have family that can help if things ever got to that point. Right now it is just frustration and probably anxiety about what is to come in the next year.
I have an autistic son who
I have an autistic son who can be a PITA. While he's 26, he's still very childlike.
In your situation, I would let him know that you've written down and will keep record of all his behaviors and his father will deal with him when he returns. That he's racking up "demerits" that will result in greater penalties as he accumulates them. That his father and you will decide the consequences when he gets back, but to let him know that he's on track to lose a lot of privileges for his disrespect.
Maybe having DH write up like
Maybe having DH write up like a “lease” or agreement that SS understands he will have to do XYZ while his father is gone, if he does not comply then you have the right to assist him in finding a group home until his father returns. It’s generous of you but should not be expected of you, would your DH raise your children for you if you were to have to leave for a long period of time? He would expect probably their father to step up and do it. I know that sounds heartless towards your DH, but really if you were out of the equation what would he be doing to ensure his son was taken care of while he was gone? Being married to you should not be his excuse to stop making those decisions and following through.
I think it would be different
I think it would be different if his mom had been involved in his life at all and he could go there. I know we say that "this isn't what we signed up for" in a lot of cases, but my husband deploying and SS living with me was something that I 100% signed up for. Long before marriage, we had these talks and discussions about how things would be handled.
No advice
No advice myself, but have you joined an Autism support group. Because in so many ways you've taken on SS as your own. You care for him, you're putting in the time and effort to raise (not just house, but support, teach and raise) him. I wonder if there's a Mom group that may have advice for a son who listens to one parent but not the other. Sounds like SS is pushing his boundaries and he needs to know that you are the adult. You are also the voice of Dad when Dad's not around. So if he wants an adult in his corner he needs to know it's you, especially while Dad is deployed.
Hugs and love and so much respect for being the rock in this young man's life.
Maybe it's time to look into
Maybe it's time to look into a group home or assisted living situation for SS. While mentally he is still young, he is 22 years old. You don't have the capacity to handle him and neither does your DH. It's unfair to both you and him for him to stay in this living arrangement.
I have looked into group
I have looked into group homes for him in the past, either the waiting list is years out (and we don't know where we will be at that time with DH still being active duty and then looking at retirement), or they are so bad that I would never send him. The decent ones are HELLA expensive too. I feel like it would be better for him to get a 3 bd apartment with other young adults like him and as parents we do the monitoring on rotation. Since Covid though it has been hard to find meetup's for young adults with Autism.
I supervise group homes. It
I supervise group homes. It is worth getting on the list. It may be difficult to get aproved, but it definitely smooths the way should an emergency arrive. Also, there are other in home services or respite services that may be available. Talk to his supports coordinator, case mamnger, or whatever they call themselves there.
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That royally sucks for all of
That royally sucks for all of you. It would probably be so good for him, as well as you.
Think it’s time to make a list of
SS duty's around the house and the punishment for not doing them. Fist time he loses his phone ( what's important to him) for a hour. Next time two hours. Some type of think that he knows what at stake when failing to go things.
Talking is not working