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False abuse claims- spin off from Lndsy747's forum on PAS

justmakingthebest's picture

DH and I both made final payments on our Cruise. Today was the deadline day. We waited to see if we got anything from the GAL or from BM's attorney or anything stating we couldn't take him. The GAL told us that as of right now the current order stands- He has not received payment from BM nor spoken to either her or SS at this time. The GAL also made both attorney's (ours who already knows everything and BM's) about this trip and the deadlines and that after the deadline no changes could be made. *** This is not 100% true. We can still do a name change up until the day before. However, not taking someone else would, we feel, give us more leverage in court for her to have to reimburse us for violating the order *** 

So anyway, since BM's PAS game is so strong right now we aren't sure SS is going to be coming with us. DH said today I am just waiting because I just know that right after we buy the plane ticket there is going to be an abuse claim against me/us.  I completely agree. There will be. We have NEVER abused or endangered SS in any way shape or form. However, we are sure that is going to be her tactic. 

How do we preemptively handle this? DH, being in the Navy, has something called family advocacy. They are like military social services. Since SS lives in Podunk nowhere they will hire local social services to investigate his home and will investigate us as well. If we are already cleared by social services, that shouldn't be an argument right? Plus, for us, it is the military doing it, not local agencies. We would also try and make the case more about Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy than anything else when we report it but let them know that we feel this is the path going to be taken and want to have it cleared before it starts.  We aren't 100% sure that we want to go this route, however not doing anything makes it feel like we are just waiting for a snake to attack. 

Anyone have any other ideas how to nip it before it starts? I have my own bios to think about too and while I don't think my ex would use this against me, we have a good relationship, you just never know. He is moving across the country and he does pay CS. He might see this as the chance to take the kids with him and not have to pay "me" anymore for them. Or if the abuse claim comes in and before they investigate my children are removed! I mean, crazier things have happened. BM and SS don't care about my kids. SS I believe used to and could again, but it will take time and work on all of our parts- and counseling!! Good lord Counseling. 




Survivingstephell's picture

With all this drama AND the possiblity of losing my own bios, I would drop the fight.  Let SS go.  Its not worth it anymore.  Life should not have to be this hard, this stressful, this full of drama.  


tog redux's picture

BM in our situation never made specific abuse claims unless it came out of a situation she could spin. For example, DH yelled at SS one day about lying about his homework, and SS texted BM to "get me out of here". BM came swooping in and tried to force her way into the house, and police were called. The police threatened to arrest her for trying to get into the house. Then SS asked DH if he could go with BM, because if he didn't, BM would "text me all night".  So DH let him go, against his better judgment.

We did not see him again for over a month. She kept him away and DH had to go back to court. The allegations got bigger and bigger until it was supposedly DH shaking his fist in SS's face while he cowered in his closet. Finally the court ordered a gradual return to 50/50 custody (though SS asked for a return to 50/50 in the first hour he was back with us). 

She took advantage of everything she could spin her way.

I don't know if your SS will make specific allegations, or if he will just say he's "afraid" and DH is "mean" or whatever. I suppose it can't hurt to have the investigation done, but it might not be necessarily helpful either.  I'd ask the attorney's advice.

justmakingthebest's picture

The attorney said that we need to do what feels right. If we feel that he is being abused than we are the only ones that can make that call. He just won't give us a straight answer. 

Iamwoman's picture

I don’t think you’ll lose custody of your own children, even if an abuse allegation sticks. HCBD and his wife were caught red-handed on video actually abusing DD15, and although their time with her has been severely restricted, they are still allowed to house foster children! Mind boggling, yes, but works in your favor in your situation.

I have followed your battle to help SS escape his medically abusive mom, and I’m disappointed that your efforts to help a child in need are backfiring. However, that general theme: help a child in need and get punished for it - is a familiar story that most of us can relate to.

This situation is getting very sticky. If I were you, I would follow my attorneys advice to a “T.” If attorney tells you to cruise with SS, do it. If attorney tells you to change the name on his ticket, or not change the name and lose the money, do it.

I know you care about SS. I care about my skids too. Their mother also has Muncahuassen by Proxy as I’ve noted before on your blogs. 

However, when I poured my heart into helping skids and giving them a better home, and they wanted to go back to HCBM full time so they could skip school and play video games all day, or fail classes and blame it on their fake diagnoses, I had to force myself to back off and not care as much. I had to convince myself that I could completely drain myself trying to help two skids that don’t want to be helped. I had to tell myself that some people insist on crashing and burning as a method of learning lessons instead of just opening their eyes to truth. Even though it’s painful to let go of a trying to help a child who doesn’t want to be helped, you must for your own sanity. You could sacrifice everything you have and everything you are, and it won’t matter to SS until he decides it’s time for things to matter.

I feel so very sorry for your SS. I also feel sorry for you. You are about to have a fabulous vacay and he is purposely ruining it. Just do exactly what the attorney says and wash your hands of the situation.

Be there for SS when he is ready to accept help. In the meantime, heal yourself. This has been too much on you.

tog redux's picture

Yes, agreed. Though now, I couldn't care less about SS, but it's so hard to see DH struggle with it all.

Simpleton21's picture

I wish I had some advice on this but I don't.  I just feel bad for your situation.  I agree with stopping the fight and protecting your bios.  

Harry's picture

You must see by now you will never win the war.  This is like fighting a battle when the war is already lost.  You did your best. DH will see the money you will lost between the cruise and plane ticket.  So next time you can say NO. Not again.  And why would want to be on a fun type event with SS bring your family down.  I would not want to spend my vacation kiss SS rear to make it good for everyone else 

advice.only2's picture

Personally I think it's a bad idea to get the military involved in this, that stuff will go on his permanent record making it more diffucult for promotions and he will probably be mandated to do training (family) and counseling all over trying to be pre-emptive.

HCBM can got to CPS for anything, doesn't mean any of it will stick, just like you can't diffinitevly prove munchausen by proxy at this point.  All you can do is keep reaching out, file stuff with the GAL and keep your lawyer updated on how things are proceeding.

We spent 7 years batteling with family court and Meth Mouth was a certified (had done time in several different jails) meth head and the courts still didn't care.  

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

OUrs admitted to drugs in court, we had texts showing evidence of possible dealing, AND she abandoned the girls for a year... Courts didn't care. She still has visitiation.

Be careful with your hubby's military record. It makes it tough not only for promotions but can slow down security clearance checks as well.

advice.only2's picture

Exactly Probably!  The court system doesn't care, short of the other parent committing murder they will not remove custody or visitation...unless it's a man, then they will cut him off for having a unpaid parking ticket.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I sometimes wonder if a BM could get away with murdering a family of 4 and still possibly get some form of visiation... Or have the father take the kids to PRISON to visit...  It's a very flawed and messed up system.

But you're right. Unpaid parking ticket, a week behind on CS, the man is done for.

Notup4it's picture

After going through the past couple years in court battles ourselves and given your SS’s age, as much as I hate to say it..... I would drop it and walk away. You have no clue how quickly those fees add up, and it will constantly just be scratching at the surface with zero resolution. Your lawyer knows that too, but would like to be paid and get business. 

We had tons of therapists and a GA on DH’s side writing letters and being witnesses, etc etc etc. And zero has come of it all..... aside from a ton of debt, frustration, lost work time, and kids who were alienated even more aggressively.  By the time you could even get a little hint of this resolved (if even ever) he would long be an adult!!!

i was 100% sure it would be slam dunk and would end quickly.... so was DH’s lawyer given the situation.  If we could go back we would have dropped that rope back then. 

Also, we had court order for them to travel with us.... they didn’t show, and zero was done about it. No compensation, nothing... the response was just “Well, I couldn’t physically drag them to go”.., and court thinks that is appropriate,  

You could luck out and get some needle in a haystack judge.... but not very likely. I know this sounds horrible; but if you are willing to spend that sort of money in court it is better to just save it and give it to him as a gift in a couple years when he is 18 to try to entice him back instead of lining some lawyers pockets.  And by that point you might be so annoyed and disgusted by the behaviour that you might want to just keep it to paydown your mortgage. 


Goodluck's picture

I have wanted to ask you for awhile now jmtb...did you and SO ever get married yet?  Back in the winter he and BM were finalizing their divorce.