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New,introduction, LONG and deprate for a place to vent!

justanothergurlNJ's picture

Hi everyone! I am so happy to have found this place. BM is a virtual stalker and stalks my FB page thru a 3rd party so I’m hoping she doesn’t find me here lol. I really need a place of my own to vent.

So a little background about me, bf and our situation. It’s LONG complicated and chaotic, but I will try to keep it as short as possible! I have 2 kids bios 13 and biod 9, SO has 2 also 2 boys 4 and 6.

SO and I met about 6 years ago, he was still with BM(never married) and very unhappy, our relationship was on again off again this whole time. Side note I’m not proud of it and did not go looking for this, I was naive to get involved but I couldn’t help myself I was drawn to him immediately. Anyway, back to us. Our relationship went on for 4years back and forth with him making promises he was done with her, ect ect, he knew she was the kind of BM to use the “you’ll never see your kids again card” and she has as you will soon see. So he stayed with her all these years, she found out about our relationship several times and still CHOSE to stay with him. After about 4 years of this I just couldn’t do it anymore. I sat him down and told him it was time to part ways and he needed to figure things out on his own and try to make his relationship with BM work for the sake of his boys and I was just a distraction, and I needed to find a healthy relationship with a man who could give me all of him. He agreed and we parted ways it wasn’t easy. I cut off 95% of our mutual friends, stopped hanging in places I knew he would be, didn’t take his calls, but is was what was best for all 3 of us.

I went on to meet a what I thought at the time was a great guy, that relationship lasted about a year. It started to fall apart and I was hurt. I went out with 1 of the few mutual friends I did keep, and wouldn’t you know it ran into him this was if Feb 2009. He gave this huge hug and would not let go, I felt all those old feelings start to come back. We got to talking and BM had broke it off with him NYE, but as typical BM she was still toying with him, they had an agreement on visitation and CS, noting court ordered. When BM was bored she would still ask BF to come hang out with her or do stuff with her and the kids, we wanted so much NOT to be a part time Dad he fell for it every time. We started talking again and leaning on each other as both our relationships were falling apart. I managed to keep enough distance that I did not get emotionally involved although he started talking about “US” and I just kept telling him it’s not a good time, I was still getting over a break up and yours is still not over.

I’m going change subjects for a brief minute and give a little background about BM. Let first say she is by all means a great Mom, and that’s about the only nice thing I can say, she is selfish, narcissistic and evil bitch. Anyway Bm lives with her G-ma in a very upper class area of our county, she pays NO rent, NO utilities, basically NO living expenses. She does work and spends most her money on her! She tries to keep up with the Jones wearing designer clothes, purses, ect BUT cries she broke. You all see where this is going! Ok moving on.

In the summer of 2009 BM met a guy, 2 days previous she told BF that she was taking a break from relationships and he should do the same. Well 2 days later he found out from his then 5yo son that she and both boys were out with Mom and the new Man. Great way to tell your children’s father your seeing someone let your 5yo spill the beans. Well of course BF freaked out called me up very upset, I talked him down and talked him through it on a friend level. Well 6 weeks later she calling BF because the guy is a psycho and she had to get a RO against him you made your bed bitch sleep in it. Of course BF went running, whatever at this point I still had no personal stake in this mess.

Around Nov of 2009 we started dating but I was cautious, but I noticed him pulling away from BM more and more. Still I kept my emotions in check and left my options open. He didn’t tell BM about us because he wanted to “keep the peace” and didn’t want to lose his boys, add that to the fact that I was the woman he cheated on her with for all those years. Anyway again whatever I was keeping my options open. We went thru the holidays, he spent Xmas Eve at her house with family and was intending on spending the night so he could see the boys on xmas morning, well that had a huge fight and he left. He had no where to go Xmas day so he came by me and spent with me and my kids. We spent NYE and the following day together. Talking and again she toyed with him and the hopes of putting there family back together. I knew all along what she was doing and so did he, but he just didn’t want to admit it. (hindsight is always 20/20).

So going forward around Feb of 2010 he finally told her we were dating and she lost her shit, called me all kinds of names shit talked me blah blah blah. She went on to now make our relationship a HOT mess, she stepped up her game on toying with his head, making him think they had a shot of being a family again, I kept telling him she’s doing this out of spite, he knew it as well but again wanted to be with his boys, this man loves his boys to death, he also grew up with an absent father and swore he would never do this to his kids so naturally he fell for her BS. Anyway we both agreed to give our relationship more time before I was introduced to the kids, they are young impressionable and we didn’t want them getting attached and hurt, mine are older and have known him for years. At the time “their” agreement was Mon-3-8, Wed 3-8 and Saturday 1-8. So when he had his boys I did my own thing, he was living with his Mom. SIDE NOTE him and his Mom DO NOT get along well.

Around April they had a huge fight because yet again he heard from his older son Mom was dating someone. This was wrong on his part and I went along with because I was so sick of her and wanted to piss her off. He called me and asked to come to his Moms house and hang out with the kids and him. Mine were out doing there own thing, so I said are you sure, you know the DRAMA this will start. I went over and he called her and told her! WELL this lunatic came over barged in his backyard like c*ntzilla, literally ripped her 3yo son off of me, dragged her 5yo out of the yard by his arm all while this boys are screaming DADDY DADDY DADDY! Talk about traumatizing your kids.(keep the word traumatized in mind) I felt horrible, and I know BF was wrong in his reasons behind it but her behavior was unacceptable and unstable if you ask me. Now they are fighting, kids are screaming, she’s using the “you’ll never see your kids again card” I grabbed BF and said STOP this is done, we’ll go to the courthouse Monday morning ad file papers. DONE!!!

We go down to the court house and fill out the papers, in short, he kept the CS$ the same, visitation days the same and added every other Saturday night he wanted the boys over night. He put holidays in there accommodated her, agreed to split half the tax child credit with him, she claims them agreed to his share of the school tuition which is OVER PRICED but whatever, his work is mostly off the books. Everything pretty much remained the same as their verbal agreement, but we wanted it signed sealed and delivered so she couldn’t hold the kids over his head. Well she got the papers and flipped out and ran to a lawyer which G-ma paid for. Her lawyer then drew up his own set of papers which said almost the same thing except he had to give her 20$ more for gas ( he doesn’t have a license right now), the boys are only allowed to stay at his Moms, with her supervising because her drinking problem and Bipolar is such a stable place for them. I told him DO NOT sign these papers, call your lawyer and let him at least review them. What does DUMBASS DO!!!!! Yup signs the papers GRRRR!

Here we are end of May 2010 he and his Mom get into a HUGE fight and he moves in with me, he still goes to his Moms to see the boys, didn’t tell BM he was living with me till about 2 weeks later. Well once again she stepped up her game playing with his head, calling ALL THE TIME for the stupidest unrelated shit, nothing about the kids, just to piss me off and it was. She has no clue what she wants she doesn’t want him but doesn’t want him with me. His mother now decides to invite her and her family over not 1 but 3 straight Sundays in a row and of course BF now feels obligated to be there because his kids are there and he wants to see them. By now I am furious with him, her and ready to just walk. Well me and BF get into this HUGE blow out and he moves out, now of course I’m hurt and kicking myself for even getting involved in all this. In the meantime he’s calling saying I’m sorry your right, then turns around and goes to a theme par with BM and the boys. I was like WTF are you kidding me I’m DONE with this.

Well wouldn’t you know it 2 days later he finds out she’s been dating a guy her grew up with and lives 2 blocks away. I was like dude how many times are you going to be slapped in the face by her. This is it it’s me or her I’m done.
He moves back in and start focusing on us, she is no longer a thorn because of the new man. Now she starts violating the CO, picking them up at 9 on Monday nights, dropping them off at 10 instead of 12 on Saturdays, again picking them up at 9, on his overnights, she’s dropping them off at 10 in the morning instead of 12 and not picking them up 10am the next day but 12 noon. BFs Mom is starting to get pissed and instead saying some thing to BM she blasts off on BF. By now she has broken this CO 25 ways till Sunday, BF doesn’t say anything because its more time with his boys. Well on Saturday it all came to a head, BF’s Mom was a little tossed and annoyed the boys were dropped of so early and now they are getting on her last drunk, Bipolar nerve. So BF and his Mom have a blow out, and we pack the boys up and bring them by me, a big NO NO according to the CO, but hey BM has violated it 25 times over. During all this BF is falling on hard times with work and is having a hard time paying tuition and asked BM about public school for the oldest come September, her response, No I want to keep him safe as long as possible. SS 5 has a lot of food allergies, my kids are in public school and they’re just as proactive with allergies as private, but typical BM he have to have our nose scraping the sealing.

SO calls BM and tells her what happen with his mom and the kids are here at my house, well at first she starts being her c*ntzilla self and barking orders and threats and he reminds her how she has broken this CO as well. So now they unofficially change the parenting agreement to, get this, your going to love this crap. EOWE from Friday till Sunday at MY house, he keeps his Mondays, and Saturdays 1-8. So in a nut shell we DO NOT get one weekend off at all, while she gets 2 kid free weekend and 2 kid free Saturday afternoons. Again DUMB BF for not consulting me. Now BM and BF are getting along GREAT, she calls him for guy advise, sex advise, and just meaningless conversation. Now of course I’m yet again annoyed, because 1) I think it’s creepy to be talking about this stuff with your baby daddy, and 2) I know her as soon as she has a mood swing or something doesn’t go her way she’ll be all up on BF bitching. This causes MANY arguments between BF and I. Things were going along fine and against my better judgment because BF asked me to be more friendly with BM I did. Let me tell you how that went, first of all I do not mind communicating with you about your kids who in my care, but only if BF is not available, I’m NOT your friend I don’t want to hear about your sex life. When you and BF are fighting I WILL NOT be the go between for you 2 to spew your venom at each other. BM you have no problem calling him to talk about who your bed hopping with then you deals with him good and bad. I will not deal with your c*ntzilla ways! So here we are Oct 2010, and BM get dumped by new guy #2 and now she’s blowing up BFs phone whining, dwelling asking BF for advice and I am getting pissed, his excuse, I’m keeping the peace I owe her money for tuition (which she at this point hasn’t filed an order that he is in contempt) and she has no friends, well BOO FUCKEN HOO I don’t care. Again we are fighting a lot.

Well in comes new man #2, mind there have been random buck fuddies in between, so again BM goes off and does her thing and leaves BF and I alone well 3 weeks before Xmas BM gets dumped AGAIN. HMMMM honey maybe you might want to learn how to keep a man. BM is now just impossible, she’s pissed she got dumped, BF is no longer at her disposal to play head games with she has nothing. So she starts pulling shit. Way back when she was ok with me and BF dating, I agreed to help with puck up and drop off, the only thing I asked was not on Monday night. She only works till 2, I however work till 5:30, work 45 minutes away from home so by the time I get home I get to change my clothes, spend a few minutes with all the kids, eat something and back in the car to bring the skids home!. She agrees but every Monday I’m bringing them home. So FF to New Years Day it was BF’s Saturday nit his overnight, but he agrees to keep them overnight, because the weekend before was his but because of Xmas he got shorted a day, as per the CO she gets the Xmas eve, he gets them Xmas day. Ok no biggie, she drops them off at my house, I drop BF and the boys off and his Moms and head to my Moms 45 minutes away to pick up my kids, they spent a few days and Grandmas over Xmas break. Well his Mom had a nice buzz going and was just intolerable, by the time I got there Bf and Mom already had a big blow out. Now she trying to keep the boys and have them sleep over, BF says NO they’re going back to my house well Mom gets pissed. Moms always butting in like this. So we go home the boys played with my kids for a bit went to bed business as usual. BM pick them up the next day and 10 minutes later BF get a call from BM about the fight with his Mom, BM has a habit of GRILLING the boys for info. BF defuses the situation.

Now keep in mind New years day was a Saturday we had the boys overnight, BM picks them up Sunday, brings them back Monday for normal parenting time. Well of course she insists I bring them home, ok fine, well 8 o’clock rolls around and she calls BF yelling where are the kids, he says in the tub, well they’re suppose to be home at 8, keep in mind all the nights she picked them up late when she was bed hoping, now they’re on a strict bedtime REALLY?!?. So she texts me and I get into with her and tell her, listen I’ve asked you not on Mondays, but you keep insisting , so they will get home when I get them there, I DO NOT live under your rules, if you don’t like it pick them up yourself. On the way home BF’s Mom calls yelling at him about them needing to be in bed, it was barely 9pm, so BM called BFs Mom.

The next day BM calls BF and says she is suspending visits because SS6 is traumatized from the fight with his Mom, and asks to call grandma to make sure daddy didn’t kill her GMAFB!! Bf NEVER threaten to kill is Mom and if ss6 was so traumatized you could have fooled me, since the night of the fight, he came back to my house and played and went about himself, and when BM dropped them off Monday he seemed just fine, and for the love of god BM why did bring them on Monday if he was so traumatized, oh yea because he wasn’t and your just pissed you didn’t get your way.

A week goes by and BF text messages BM and asks if she is bring the kids, she says no I am suspending visits due to your actions and ss6 confusion (eyeroll). No! I know damn well you can't do that you are in contempt of court and you better get your skanky ass to your lawyer or the court house and file for an emergence hearing.

Weeks goes by and still nothing, so BF goes to see his lawyer, which he cant really afford. His lawyer calls BM’s lawyer and is told that BF’s Mom signed a affidavit saying he pulled a knife in her BS, that he is unfit and unstable, so BM is asking for an evaluating and supervised visits.

Well here we are 4 weeks later still no letter from her lawyer, nothing from family court, I know from experience, that an emergency hearing takes no longer then 24-48 hours in my county, so this means neither BM or her lawyer filed any paper work. So to me she is still in contempt of court.

BF is devastated, and depressed between not seeing his boys and his Moms betrayal. He cant afford the lawyer, and has yet to call legal services.

If you made this far Thank you so much for reading and any advise is welcome. I am trying to stand by my man, he takes his anger out on me I’m trying to be understanding. All while wanting to give BM a old school beating. Well that’s my story!


justanothergurlNJ's picture

lol I tried to keep 6 years of history short, guess I did'nt do a good job. Yes needed that vent!! His Mom has been cut off, and believe me running has crossed my mind about 10000000000 times. Our day to day realtionship with out the BM drama is great, which is waht makes it so hard to leave. I will not get all angry and hair flip you all. I did ask for advise. I appriciate your input.

justanothergurlNJ's picture

You are 100% right about BM and Bf's Mom. BF has cut his Mom off, she is still seeing the skids because of BM. Knowing BF's Mom that will get old fast, BM will take advantage one too many times and BF's Mom will have no one to go off on but BM.

As far as the lawyer, you make a good point no he never did ask to see the affidavit that BF's Mom signed. The lawyer did not advise my BF, but my guess would be the lawyer was expecting BM's lawyer to file for an emergency hearing, which 4 weeks later has not been done. BF has the number for legal services in my county, but just lays in bed depressed instead of doing something. I am trying to be understanding.

Leaving him well, while that might be a good idea, I'm not ready and will be the first to admit that. Our day to day relationship for the moat part works, it goes without a hitch, we have fought long and hard to get where we are. There are other factors here too, my kids are very attached to him, he is more of a father then their own sperm donor, my dd more so, they have a special bond.

Again thank you for taking the time to read and respond with more then just a RUN NOW. You brought up some very good points and things for me to think over and hopefully discuss with BF and a lawyer!

Jsmom's picture

You have some serious drama. But, I am going to reiterate what the others have haven't married him yet.

If not, then you need to get his ass to the courthouse and file the contempt charges on BM. He can go and get them and take the police with him if he wants. She has filed nothing on him and is just threatening him. Call and talk to the police about going with him to get the kids. Maybe a little traumatic for the kids, but he may not have a choice. You need to document everything. Every text, email, VM. Do not talk on the phone to her. Make sure you record everything. And above all else, get him to stay away from his mom. That situation is bad and should not be encouraged...You stay out of all conversations with BM. That only perpetuates the crazy...