This Generation of Skids are...
My husband and I have radical views on raising kids. I believe kids should, from an early age, learn how to value and take care of their possessions, learn life skills such as cleaning and cooking, and be as independent as possible. But my values will never express themselves in this household. My DH and I came from diverse backgrounds. From what I’ve observed DH’s values are: skids don’t have to learn how to cook, or clean or take care of their possessions – someone else will do it all for them.
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My DW would not tolerate her son being a POS. Neither would I. We established at nearly the begging of our marriage that we were equity life partners which made us equity parents to any children in our home, regardless of kid biology. At is turned out, SS-30 is an only child in our family. Though he is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by 3 baby mamas. #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, #4 is following not far behind #3 though so far has avoided an inmate #.d
We raised SS to fully recognize the connetion between effort and results. The connection between quality of decision and outcome. The connection between working and living a comfortable life. The connection between deviating from reasonablre standards of behavior and performance and living an escalating state of abject misery.
Coddling kids does no one any favors. Particularly the kids.
Your DH and my XW have some parallels. My XW did not work through University. She also never wrote a single paper for her last 3 years of undergrad. I wrote them all for her. Which worked out well for me during the divorce. She left all of those papers, and her diary highlighing her sex lunches for our entire marriage. The papers were neatly filed with the handwritten drafts (in my hand writing) and then the graded final typed copy with Professor notes, grade, etc... That cost her dearly in the divorce.
After we divorced, she got into a Master's program. She could not hack it. She couldn't write the papers. So she quit.
I worked through undergrad all except the first 2 years. I was on the 11yr plan. During that time I started a company, ran it for 6yrs, then sold it shortly after my divore was final. That is what I used to finish my BS in Engineering. I met my incredible bride the last semester of my 11yr indergrad adventure and her first semester out of HS. SS-30 was 15mos old when we met.
We married a few months after I graduated. Since then, together we have finished a dual major BS (hers), two MBAs (one each) and two professional certifications (one each). My bride is brilliant. She would not have let me write a single word of any assignment she had. Much less write a single paper and no way would she let me write every paper for her. Even if I wanted to.
What is the appeal of your DH? Considering your own background and accomplishments?
And why on Earth would you tell his failed family progeny that she can live with you until she is 50yo?
Neither of my SD's were given
Neither of my SD's were given a free ride.. both got jobs out of HS.. one is married with 2 kids now (29 yo).. and the other is 25 and just got married, works full time and travels extensively on her own dime. Neither asked or expected their parents to pay for college.. both worked a little bit at jobs in HS. OSD not as academically strong as YSD.. but both are working and don't come to us for money.. so we feel that's good enough.
They did not have a lot of chores with us.. but were expected to help out when asked.. we never had an issue with them doing things we asked.. I don't know why.. maybe GEN X parents just don't give the kids other options..lol. But both my DH and I worked ourselves real jobs during HS.. and maybe that's why we just set it as an expectation?
Perhaps your DH got upset
Perhaps your DH got upset with you - not because you don't know how to parent - but because SD is not your daughter? *unknw*
Sounds like failed parents to
Sounds like failed parents to me. My skids are elementary school age and while they can be a bit entitled, they're good kids. They have chores, they're polite, they are motivated and they have set goals that they work toward. I have no worries about failure to launch with them. A lot of that is parenting (sad to say mostly from BM, not my DH, who is not a great parent but doesn't undo what BM accomplishes with the skids). Of course there are good parents whose kids are disasters and kids who rise above in spite of their parenting, but in many if not most cases the child reflects the parenting.
It sounds like you and your H were parented differently and have much different views on parenting. I'd be inclined to let him do it his way (they're HIS kids), but set some requirements and boundaries with regard to things that affect you, and make it clear to him that failure to launch adult skids will not be living with you.
It also sounds like it is
It also sounds like it is generational with him.. his parents did the same.. did he turn out ok? sometimes it all works out.. sometimes it doesn't.. not every kid given free college is a loser with no motivation..
Another fine example that the SM has the responsibility for the skids, but dang it you give any opinion on how to raise them, then you are overstepping. The step world Cha Cha dance, one step forward one step back.
Your DH is letting you know your place. Keep cooking, cleaning, being emotional punching bag but NEVER offer your opinions. Cause you only count with the domestic chores and the bedroom. KNOW YOUR PLACE kind lady. (total sarcasm btw)
Such a shame that you have such a practical and exceptional advice and the Disney daddio shuts it down.
Went back in time to your other blogs. I guess you changed your bio.
I have been experiencing a growing resentment and of course realise its Husband more thah skid, but I am seriously just frustrated. I too have lazy entitled coddled skid. SD23 Feral Forger apparently is now working and living somewhere that is NOT here with me, whew!
SD16.5 Power Sulk is 50/50 and during her time with us, is just so lazy. I am thankful shes brought her F grades up to C and has as and bs in everything else because she has no chores, I dont hear anything about driving and of course no job because everything is given to her and her friends all drive her around and float her.
Neither Husband nor BM have any college. I have a BS. My family really valued education and continuing education was an expectation and almost a requirement. Not at all the same attitude. Husband and I have had too many conflicts over SD16.5 and his need to swoop in and rescue her from whatever situation she has been put in by Toxic Troll BM, or Feral Forger or herself. She got a new phone. She doesnt do any extra chores. Her room is a pigsty of filth. Just no expectations and no repercussions for anything.
I guess that you are still working on your health and trying to get strong so you can get yourself away from things? Love with skid until they are 50? Well, hopefully you will be long gone by then!
Sorry for your situation
I'm sorry for your situation. That sounds infuriating. I wish I could tell you it would get better but unless DH decides to grow a backbone (mine did when the youngest of his 3 SD's was 16) nothing will change. My DH didn't have this epiphany until his 3rd heart attack and out of body experience due to all their bullshite. Then he realized he can't protect them from themselves anymore. (His words.)
Good luck and take care of yourself.
The military isn't there to fix you DHs parenting f'ups: if SD is failing out of school now she likely won't make the grade in today's high tech more highly educated military. Please stop looking down at the military as a career choice, and before anyone argues with me read OPs words, the military is there to take on all skids who fail to launch.