Christmas/Hannukah and SD...Curious what others do for the Steps they have no relationship with...
As you all know my SD15 doesn't live with us. I know really sad...but, not for me. She lives with BM at her choice. DH has not seen her in 9 months and for the last two years only about 3 times. So our plan is the same as last year, she gets nothing from me for Christmas and nothing from DH for 8 nights of Hannukah. The boys are getting some gifts but not as much as years past, because of the vacation and not being home.
We are taking a very large vacation and won't be here for most of Hannukah and Christmas. We are taking a cruise and then adding in several days in Orlando or the Bahamas. She was not invited. BM has already bitched to the mediator and SIL that we are mean for not including her. Sorry, not going to happen and ruin my time with all of my family. She said we used it as a threat to SD if she chose to not live with us 50/50 anymore. We never did, because the cruise didn't come up until January 2011. I have not seen or spoke to his girl since April 2010. I don't even know this girl anymore, why would I spend thousands on her to join us on a trip with my entire family?
So I am curious, knowing how DH feels about spending money on her for the holidays, how do others do it, with these kids that have burned us and have virtually no relationship with us. Do you give them anything or do you just write a check and be done with it. Do they deserve anything or are we just good for a handout at Christmas.
I work hard for what I have and so does DH, our thoughts are if you live with us and have a relationship with us, that is a benefit of that relationship. If you don't then you don't get anything. SD chooses to ignore DH everytime he reaches out to her. So why would she get anything from him now? BM tried to talk him into sending her gifts and money when she sued us to live with BM in 2010. DH said no, that he would not reward her behavior and that he didn't want to be that kind of Dad. BM blasted him in several emails. She sees it as not caring. Personally I love him a little bit more because he won't fall into this guilty dad crap that I hear about on this site.
We did have a conversation last week when the most recent lawyer bill came, where I was clear that since she was turning 16 in April, I am sure BM plans on a car for her. Well my statement was if he gave her a dime towards anything, college, wedding anything ever, than I was gone. After what she has cost us financially and emotionally with this lawsuit and her slander, she is not entitled to anything. I said the 14K we spent the last two years on her and now the 6k as of last week on SS13 that is where her money went. Call the lawyers and ask for it back.
So just to put it out there, what do you do when you have no relationship with a Stepkid during the holidays?
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HMMM that is a hard one. I
HMMM that is a hard one. I see my skids a lot---unfortunately---and I hate spending money on them for the holidays because they are soooo ungreatful and they are BAD kids. I know that sounds mean but it's true. I can't imagine spending money on the SD if she is nasty to her father, so I would send her a small gift if anything hey it's the thought that counts. But be prepared for BM's crap "they spent all that money on their vacation and sent her a cheap gift blah blah blah".Good luck!
Ick, we're in this one right
Ick, we're in this one right now. SD hasn't visited since Jan of this year and has ignored DH's overtures until she got arrested and we went down the beginning of this week and had lunch with her. Otherwise, all contact has been very infrequent screaming phone calls that ended in SD or BM hanging up.
So, I had the same question - she's being awful, what happens around birthdays and Xmas? We had to compromise on this one. We ended up spending about 20 dollars on her birthday presents and shipped them and for Xmas, the absolute limit is going to be 50, and that includes the shipping because I'm pretty sure she isn't going to want to come. We've gone back and forth on this, because I tend to be in that boat of, if you're awful, I'm not rewarding bad behavior with gifts and DH does understand this. However, he's a 'recovering' guilty daddy and because his view is that SD equates how much you spend on her to how much you love her, I don't think we'll ever get to a point where he just won't send anything.
After what happened with her birthday, I have to sort of go along with this... She actually said thank you for her gifts (shocker) and said that she wasn't expecting anything. Personally, I'd like the Xmas budget for her to be a bit smaller, just because things are tight, but it's not something I'm willing to get in a fight over (it's already been brought down from 3x that... :sick: )
Of course, I say all this now and I know that there is likely to be a lot less of the nice that's happened this week 2 months from now...
It sounds like you've been
It sounds like you've been through hell with your SD! Some of the situation sounds similar to what is going on with my SD's (14 & 16) because they rarely visit, have made up stories & are in general, horrid malicious girls. They've visited 3 times (combined) in the last year.
SO originally wanted to spend $100.00 on each of them (which I think is too much because he has so damn many kids!)...he has now decided that each of them gets $25.00 worth of gifts or a check. He knows we won't see them so it's normally a check. That is what he did last Christmas & what he will be doing this Christmas.
He said that $25.00 won't break the bank, remind them that he's their dad & loves them yet won't spoil them.
I personally feel that a gift in the amount of a $25.00 check works well for them because they want MORE. They believe they deserve MORE yet they aren't getting it. So, it reminds them that their dad USED to go all out with their gifts & now he gives them $25.00 instead.
I don't give them gifts, I stopped that after they burned me 2 years ago. I spend my money on gifts for my resident SKids (I spoil them a little), my nieces & nephews & that's it! Bitchy malicious young women can kiss my butt.
She will get nothing from us.
She will get nothing from us. She has not answered an email or facebook posting in 6 months from her Dad trying to see her. Gratefully, he has now stopped trying to reach out to her. It is better for him this way.
As for me, I will not buy anything for a child I can't stand and have not seen since May 2010.
As for money spent on the vacation, she caused us to not take a vacation last year since we were spending huge chunks on the lawyers with her suing us. Keep in mind we gave up custody of her and because BM dragged it out it kept costing us. I resent that we had no big vacation last year with SS and BS. We always do one large one a year and a couple of small weekends. But, we haven't since this started. Now we are at the home stretch and waiting for BM to sign the final papers giving her custody of SD and us SS. Then hopefully the lawyer bills stop coming in and we can go back to spending money on the kids that do like us...
Fingers are crossed for you
Fingers are crossed for you that the custody papers get sorted out.
I concur with no gifts 100% for your situation...I just told you what SO & I do...I wish he could manage to give NOTHING, but that's not his style...he's only JUST learning that sucking up to teenagers DOES NOT WORK...
YAY on your vacation plans with your family! You all must be so excited!
I'd not send gifts to her.
I'd not send gifts to her. Maybe have a card with a gift card to her favorite clothing store on hand, in case she comes to visit. But other than that, I wouldn't worry about gifts for a child I don't see.
When I first disengaged from
When I first disengaged from SS and he had almost no contact with DH for about a year, DH really wanted to buy SS a Christmas present to show that he loved him but also didn't want to reward SS's bad behavior and lack of effort in their relationship. DH ended up getting him a very sentimental hallmark card with a personal note written inside. At the last minute, he felt some guilt and picked up a few gift cards to throw in the envelope - a gas card and a domino's pizza card I think. We didn't spend more than $50 and DH felt like he gave SS a decent gift.
Another thought would be to take a special poem or saying and frame it for her. Something like the serenity prayer, a bible verse, or a page from Dr. Seuss's The Places You'll Go. Or it could be something more serious like:
If you play games with love, you'll be playing games for the rest of your life. Alone.
OOOHHHH I like the framed
OOOHHHH I like the framed poem, verse thing!
I don’t know what my DH is
I don’t know what my DH is going to do. SD15 lives with her aunt and uncle and is barely speaking to him.
She told him she doesn’t want anything from him for Christmas and to f**k off and leave her alone.
That’s fine by me but if he doesn’t send her anything, he’s worried her maternal relatives are going to think he’s an ass and doesn’t care about her. They like to peg him with the Deadbeat Dad label. If he sends her a check, odds are she won’t cash it. Her aunt & uncle buy her anything she wants.
I’d love to send her a box full of coal.
I think a framed verse or the
I think a framed verse or the serenity prayer actually may be a good idea. I need to think about that.
From me and not him...It would actually offend DH since he doesn't believe in God. But, something that she may actually look at. She will probably throw it in the trash, but that may be okay...Seriously something needs to wake this girl up...You just don't throw away a relationship with your Dad, because you don't want rules or boundaries...She has adult status and that is eventually going to destroy her.
My father has no relationship with my sisters because of my parent's divorce. Does it hurt him, yes. Does he really think about it anymore, NO...He has moved on and dotes on my kids and his SD's kids. Who loses, my sisters and their children.
That is just sick. They are
That is just sick. They are given gifts based on what? Guilt for being their Dad? Sounds like your DH has gotten a very bad deal and BM has given them adult spousal status in that they get to decide whether to see Dad. Same here with BM giving SD all the power.
You need to tell your DH no more, they get nothing unless they make some effort. Trust me they are teenagers and they are counting on the money to get some latest gadget. Play on that so he can at least see them....
He has some power here, he needs to exercise it.
My take on this is 'if you
My take on this is 'if you don't want to come and be a part of the family then you do NOT get to benefits of a family'. I did not read the responses. But that is my stance! I would also tell her that too!
The year SD refused to speak
The year SD refused to speak to DH she got nothing, and nothing for her eighteenth birthday too.
She has never missed a holiday since.
You really cannot reward bad behavior.