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JRI's picture

I admit that some of my negative reaction to SD60 is due to jealousy.  Yes, She's a lying, manipulative thief.  But even if she were a saint, I'd still be jealous of the time, love, attention and devotion she evokes from DH84.

Well, now I'm feeling the other side.  My DS57 who lives out of town was diagnosed with a colon malignancy but before they could operate, they discovered 80% artery blockage and he had a triple bypass 2 werks ago.  They also found he's diabetic.  Needless to say, I am worried.  So, we have been talking daily and he's recovering at home from the bypass with numerous upcoming medical appiintments.

When I'm on the phone and DH84 walks by, I hear, "Its your Mom or him, when do I get attention?" and similar remarks.  When he gets on the phone with DS57, I hear "mama baby".  I know he's feeling he's getting less attention, probably 15 minutes daily less attention.  It is so aggravating.

But, in a way, I sort of understand because I feel that loss when he interacts with SD60.   I dont feel this way with his sons and he doesn't do it with my daughter.   One difficult step lesson I'm still trying to learn is that our mate has the same kind of overwhelming love for their awful child as we do for our own angel.   Sigh....emotions...


Noway2b1's picture

I feel similar (as you know) try to think of it as freeing in that he does it too. I have taken my DHs "devotion" to heart and am making the effort GUILT free to spend more time with my young adult son, especially knowing he's soon to launch (and is my youngest and last) I do NOT want the dysfunctional enmeshed relationship DH has though, maybe that's where their jealousy lies? In that we are actually appropriately moderated with ours? 

JRI's picture

I dont know if its just my DH or if other men are like this but his relationship with his kids differs from mine with my kids.  Altho my kids are living their own lives, I always sort of know what is going on with them, actually, I only need to hear them say 2 words on the phone to know.  Lol.  But he tells me what I should do and say.  I usually tune him out but occasionally say, "Thanks, I know what to do/say".  He usually goes overboard with his.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your SD60 has made life choices that have resulted in your DH feeling like he HAS to save her. That is VERY different from your son who has had life throw him curveballs recently that is resulting in more of your time. FFS, he had major surgery, was just diagnosed with a chronic disease, and might have cancer. That deserves your attention, and the only real attention you're giving is your time. "I need Daadddeeeeee to pay for my cigarettes because I twisted my ankle and feel depressed" isn't even in the same ballpark, and your DH will empty his wallet and clear his calendar to help his precious poopsie.

No. Your DH can suck an egg.

JRI's picture

I agree completely.  I'm telling myself that at 84, DH is experiencing behavior changes, less filter.  BUT, I'm still mad.  We are barely speaking, he's trying to make nice but I'm not feeling it.

Merry's picture

Emotions are messy.

I've been irritated with my SS for ignoring my DH for the last month or so. No call on Father's Day. Didn't visit or even call when he was traveling through our general area. And then I was irritated when he DID call this weekend and DH was over the moon giddy about it.

I think it's having a front row seat to the dysfunctional relationship that puts us in a difficult spot. We're helpless to do anything about it and disengage from it, but we still see our DHs accept crumbs of affection, act out of misplaced guilt, hand over time and money that isn't repaid in any fashion. What's normal to them isn't to us. It's not our circus, but that doesn't mean we don't feel badly for the elephants held captive, you know?

Your reaction to the serious issues your son is having sounds completely loving. My goodness, that's some serious stuff and the closeness of mortality is difficult. Surely your DH understands that you love your son and are worried about him. He's just being childish because a few minutes of your time is focused elsewhere. Put that on ignore, JRI. And be good to yourself.

JRI's picture

To top it off, DS's daughter, GD#2, came yesterday with her bf to drop off a late Fathers Day gift.  He didn't want any company and whined about them coming.   He didn't show much gratitude, I ended up trying to somehow apologize, said "We've got Mr. Crabby here today".   As I mentioned above, I'm seeing behavior changes so I dont know if this was stupid childishness or part of his aging process.

Noway2b1's picture

With so many of us with DHs like this. It serves as a warning for all of those with younger skids. It doesn't magically change once they reach adulthood. 

advice.only2's picture

I agree with Lt. Dad, what you are feeling is the knowledge that your DH will jump and do whatever SD60 wants even to the detriment of his own health, your sanity, and the sanctuary of your marriage.  You being worried about your DS57 is not even on the same level. 

JRI's picture

I'm trying to handle DS's issues rationally.  He's got world class insurance and is in a top medical area.   His wife is devoted.  I offered to go there, so did his daughter, GD#2, but we both felt the two of them preferred to handle it themselves, if they can.  I dont even want to think of worst case scenarios.  I'm hanging in there but it is interesting to see how others around me react or not react.

CLove's picture

About your son and his health issues. Thats so hard Im sure, to watch your children suffering, and your SD is just mooching along...

Yeah, the dysfunction junction. Im there too.

CLove's picture

He can chew rocks, pound sand, suck eggs, bite me for all that he is pandering to HIS kid all the time, and yet cannot be supportive for you during this time with YOUR kid.


JRI's picture

My mom99 and DH84 depend on me, on various levels.  Its interesting to see that while both of them are somewhat concerned about my DS, they are more concerned that my attention is being diverted.  My mom is more subtle and tactful than DH but I see it there, too.  Its an interesting view of human behavior.  I guess it's self-preservation in action.