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How to let go of anger?

JRI's picture

The seasoned STers know my story with SD60.  For any new readers, she's been a long-time (50 year) manipulative, lying, thieving troublemaking Daddee's girl.  After her last disasterous stint living with us 5 years ago, I have grayrocked her.  I keep things polite and civil for DH85's sake.  We subsidize her living expense, she's unemployed and on disability.   He's a cancer patient, luckily doing well, and she regularly tears up about his condition, her love for him and dramatic predictions of her reaction when he passes.  He deserves her devotion for the untold times he has rescued her from her poor judgement, paid her bills and defended her against all the common sense conversations about her I and the other 4 kids have tried to have with him.

Friday night we went to the casino.  DH dropped me off at the door, we planned to meet at 6:30 and he went to park the car.  When we met later, he told me the battery light had gone on and the car was hard to steer.  He'd called SD60, explained the situation.  She offered to come but he said no, we'd try to go home but to stay near the phone in case he called.  We left and soon the situation got worse.  DH85 had to pull to the side of a busy highway.  I called AAA and they ordered a tow truck.

The tow truck was delayed (I was on the phone with AAA the whole time) and it started getting dark.  DH called SD, no answer so he left a message.  No return call.  He called repeatedly, no answer.  I couldn't believe it.  I was terrified that some car would slam into us.  I finally told him to stop calling in order to save his phone bars.  The tow truck finally came and we got home.

That was 2 days ago.  She has never called to check on Daaddee.  I am so angry I can hardly see straight.  Neither one of us says her name, it's like an elephant in the room.  Whatever excuse she makes up, I won't believe it so there's no sense asking, why didn't she call.  My DD said to not waste my energy being angry, that SD is too far gone now to respond appropriately.

So, tell me, how do I let go of the anger?



Survivingstephell's picture

Why did you rely on her and not one of the other kids?  You know she's unreliable, DH is in denial about her, are you really surprised by how this played out?  Since she set a precedent, you can feel free to leave her hanging next time she's is need.   DH chose to put your needs onto a known failure.  What else could you expect?  A miracle?   Let this be the last time you put up with this.  Shake your head  at the folly of DH and next time YOU take charge of the situation.  

JRI's picture

She was closest and I think he thought it would be her chance to shine.  Things worked out ok, Im just so angry  for him.  He's had such a sad look on his face since this happened.  He's not mad, he will swallow any story she eventually spins.  No, I never depend on her and would never have called her but he thought he could rely on her.

Harry's picture

Your problem is DH not SD.  He plays along with her game.  You will never get over the anger.  You basically wasted your life along with all of us.  They put there first marriage and bio kids before us.  They did not want to have a fresh start in life.  They want us to replace the ex.  They could not have the " Happy Family" with the ex.  But want us to replace the ex have the " Happy Famiky" with us. Even though we are not happy. Being second third or what ever.

They just don't understand that they only had one chance to have the happy family it went away with the divorce.

They had date night, going out by themselves, no one to both them before kids .  You get there , there SK. Yiu can't go on date night with out a babysitter, lists phone numbers.  The babysitter cost more then. The date night.  No just going to MickeyD for a hamburger. 

then they just don't understand why you are upset 

thinkthrice's picture

Put.  Especially the "wasted life" part.

JRI's picture

You're right, Harry, that DH wants me to take on the mother role with SD.  And, I tried to do that for years until her actions smacked me in the face and I had to see reality.

I've been thinking about some of the excuses she might have: "My phone died", "Aliens abducted me and I just got back", "I had to go rescue my GS from a burning home and only just back from the hospital", "An intruder got in here, tied me up and I just got free".  Any ideas?

thinkthrice's picture

Human attributes to essentially a 6 decade old biological extrusion who was raised feral by DH and the BM.

Im sure there are not a lot like her in her peer group as guilty daaaddeeeee syndrome didn't really take off until the 80s when divorce became easy and everyone got a trophy.

ndc's picture

It's unfortunate that this happened, and even more unfortunate that your DH, even with the obvious reality staring him in the face, will continue to enable and make excuses for his daughter.  You are already way more accepting of this situation than I could ever be.  Don't be angry for him - your DH brought this on himself.  Just tell him in no uncertain terms that when YOU are involved (as you were here because you were in the car) he is not to rely on SD60 for ANYTHING, because she is unreliable and not to be trusted.

JRI's picture

I agree with all you say.  Its 2 days later and not a peep.  In the meantime, DD and SIL brought over their 2nd car.

ndc's picture

It's great that you have other kids who step up and help.  Yet I'm sure it's the one who wouldn't do a thing for you who sucks up the most of your resources.  

CajunMom's picture

I still have residual anger with DHs kids.BUT, as everyone has said, this one is completely on your DH and I would NOT let him forget it. As NDC said, he'd be told clearly he better NEVER involve his inept daughter in such situations again. If he chooses to do such, get yourself an Uber or taxi home; he can choose to go with you or wait on his "baby." 

I'd be furious with DH on this one. Your SD is who she is. You know it. We know it. And really, your DH knows it. Now he's put the two of you in physical danger. Be clear with won't happen again. This is definitely a hill to die on. That's how you get over the anger. Place it where it belongs....communicate that anger to your DH....set the boundary....and don't move it.



JRI's picture

I'm doing better now.  DD helped me talk thru it somewhat and I'm definitely hardening the boundary.  Just for laughs, I'll let you know what excuse SD60 comes up  with.

CajunMom's picture

I always think about you...I'm the same age as your SD. I can't fathom doing ANY of those behaviors. 

JRI's picture

I'm actually showing restraint when I write about SD60, it's even worse than you think.  DD was frank with me today, a come-to-Jesus talk about just how severe the situation is.  

grannyd's picture

And I’ll bet the farm, JRI, that your daughter was also showing restraint. It must infuriate her, that the 60-year-old is permitted to suck up the bulk of the family resources to fuel her addictions and the fruits of her blatant irresponsibility. 

My own daughter does not suffer fools gladly and I can guarantee that, had I been imperilled by such negligence, the guilty party would have been subjected to an ‘earful’!

That SD of yours is so damned annoying that I’d love to kick her useless ass myself. GRRRRR! Aggressive


JRI's picture

Come on down and do it, Grannyd!  I'll hold her skinny a** down!

Seriously, my DD has clear insight into people.  She worries about my safety.  She and SIL badgered us into getting the Ring system which seems to have deterred SD's visits.  SD isnt sharp enough to understand exactly how it works but she is more cautious and is here less often.  Hiring the lawn guy helped, too, one less reason to be here.


Noway2b1's picture

She wanted to come, because it was potentially a good time, maybe hang out,  have a meal, get some gambling money from daddy then disappear until it was time to go and then be along for the AAA ride home. It hurt her feelings that he turned down her "help". 

JRI's picture

She knows the words to say to respond to any situation, "I'll come!", "I love you/Dad/whoever can do something for her", etc.  So, she was saying the expected thing.  Sadly for her, I only judge people by what they do.

advice.only2's picture

Sadly looks like in situations like this you will just have to take charge and be firm "I'm not involving SD in this, we already have it handled."  

justmakingthebest's picture

Just remember, that anger only rots you, not her. There is nothing wrong with letting go of the emotion, but not forgetting the wrong. Forgive but don't forget. 

I like to think of it as learning experiences for me. You learned that you can't trust SD to be there even when you specifically ask. So, don't ever do that again. 

Merry's picture

I still get my feelings hurt sometimes when DH's kids shun me, but the anger really boils when they hurt HIM. He's their biggest supporter and defender and yet it's not enough, or not right enough, or not soon enough.

I think it's perfectly fine to tell your DH that you are angry about her behavior and that in the future you don't wish to involve her in anything that affects you. You won't change her, you won't change him, but that doesn't mean you have to hang on to all that negativity and pretend it didn't happen.

I find that if I'm still mad over something after several days that I need to say something out loud. Doesn't have to be a big blast or an argument, I just need to release it AND have the person responsible hear it. Then move on.

Looking forward to her excuse!

JRI's picture

Nothing he has done, and believe me, he's done a LOT is enough, or done correctly, or done soon enough.  I've realized that the only thing that would,appease her would be to do something while telling her and everyone else it's because he loves her more than anybody, loves her because shes so beautiful and brilliant and loves her enough to dump everyone else in his life, starting with me.  

Still no call from her.  I received text from her last night with a woman's name and phone no., no message.  I'm guessing she butt dialed me while mistakenly trying to connect with someone, probably about pills.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I have been paying for AAA for YEARS!!!!!!! My dd17 was driving her dad's car and I pay for her to have a membership as well and it died in the middle of the intersection.  AAA said they were coming.  WE are in Florida and it was a 105 degree day at noon.  I couldn't get it in neutral.  I had to call the cops to come help me get it in neutral and out of the road.  They said stay by the car til AAA got there.  I had to work at 330.  They didn't show up til like 8 pm.  WE finally had to leave at 230 when I thought we were both about to have heat stroke.  I did a poll to my friends on facebook and they all said that this is the experience you get with AAA and just to pay for a tow company out front and they'll come in 30 mins so I have canceled them!

I got them cause I didn't want my teenage daughter vulnerable on the side of the road just as you didn't want that for your husband.  THey are awful as is your SD60.  You need to give her a piece of your mind when she calls for money

JRI's picture

I stil havent heard a peep from her, but DH85 has been sitting in the car awhile so he might be on the phone.   I cant fault AAA.  I decided to get the top tier service because of our age and driVing a 12yo car.   They stayed on the phone the whole time and the tow took about 1.5-2 hours to arrive.  He took the car to the repair place then dropped us off.    I'm paranoid about car issues.  Everybody has their thing that freaks them out, sometimes it's medical probs, or intruders or whatever.  For me, it's car trouble.

JRI's picture

Thanks, I'll check it out.

strugglingSM's picture

I agree with the comment above that you should say something out loud and I would say that to your DH. I'm sure you've told him before how you feel, but I think you should tell him that this really crossed a line for you and she can't uncross it. I would even go further than grayrock and tell him that you don't want to hear about her or see her for a very long time, possibly forever. He won't stop babying her (which is mindblowing at 60-something years old), but you can set your own boundary that you are not involved in anything that has to do with her. I think going to her will get you no satisfaction, as I'm sure she has some outlandish excuse as to why she couldn't help and couldn't be available even though she said she would be. 

SMto2's picture

I am so sorry you experienced that. After all you've done for her, you'd think she at least could follow through on that. This would truly be the last straw for me. I wouldn't want her in my home or have anything to do with her. If your DH can't understand that, he's delusional. I really hate saying that. At a minimum, I know I'd never ask her for anything again, nor would I do anything for her. 

JRI's picture

Last night, I told him how angry I was with her, told him after all he's done, he doesnt deserve this.  He said, oh, she offered to come.  I said, yes, I know but when you called later, she didnt pick up or return the call.  And, she hasn't followed up to see if you are ok.  He thinks it's because she's mad.  He said he recently got on her case, said she wants to come over all the time and he keeps telling her no.  He said, "it's like she wants to hang on me like a monkey".   He said he got pretty firm, wants to encourage her to make sone friends, anybody.  He keeps emphasizing to her he's 85 and has cancer.

Whatever.  It still doesn't excuse not responding when he specifically told her her'd call in case of trouble.  The end of the month is coming, when she normally runs out of money and contacts him.  We will see.

advice.only2's picture

He was just deflecting, he probably didn't get on her case about anything, enablers are sometimes as bad as the addicts.