You are here

Help me stay strong, guys

JRI's picture

I posted last week about SD60 wrecking her $14k car after she'd let her insurance expire.  You knew and I knew this would usher in plenty of drama and now here we are.

DH84 has some $ and plans to buy her a small used car.  Ok, I agree so far.  Today, he was discussing it and asked me to look online about buying a used car.  We are older and have never done this but our kids have and I know people do it all the time.  

So, I sat here and started looking around.  My inner voice was saying " Alert!  Alert!" but I didn't listen.  DH came in and I started to tell him what I'd found, like I'd prefer to buy from a dealer rather than an individual.  I suggested he talk to our neighbor who is in that business.  I also asked whether it would be in her name or ours, recommended we keep the title in our safe deposit box, reminded him he'd have to pay sales tax and registration and said she'd have to prove she had insurance at the time of registration.

This started a long saga about how she's doing so much better, how clean she keeps her place, what a devoted grandmother she is, etc etc.  I tried to express my concerns about her inability to manage her business transactions, her poor money management and her reduced mental facilities due to her drug use.

The conversation grew more heated with his vision of the future where one of us is incapacitated and how she'd be the one to come clean and take care of us.  His example was his knee replacement when she showed up.  I said that's because she was living with us and I was exhausted after staying there 2 nights and she offered to stay one night.  She did stay but when I got there was asleep and hadn't gone with DH to therapy.  When we got home, she stayed with him one afternoon and stole his pain pills.

Well, I suddenly thought, "Disengage!", "Disengage!".  I'm not going to say another word or participate in any way.  Help me stay strong, guys.


WwCorgi7's picture

Yeah.... she sounds like she would end up on an episode of American Greed if she was left to take care of an incapacitated family member that had something for her to gain. I often question if/when the step life drama ends but by your posts I can see the answer is never.

Stay strong!!!

JRI's picture

I'm 76 and DH is 84 so most likely he will go first.  But if I went first there's no question she would drain him.  The sad part is, he would let her and feel he was doing a good thing.  It's so dysfunctional, the story is "Guilty Dad Gets Older".

Birchclimber's picture

She is a sponge and he's an enabler.  Clearly he's not making good decisions when it comes to his DD.    I think that you made some very valid recommendations about what to do with the title, whose name it would be under, etc.  Even at 60, your DH still views her as his little child that needs coddling. It sounds as though she has him wrapped tightly around her greedy little finger as the result.  I mean really: at 60 her father has to buy her a car?? Has she no shame? 

If she can't manage her own life, how is she going to be able to help either one of you in your time of need, manage yours?  She's putting on a show and, although you are able to see right through it, he's seeing only what he wants to see.  

As much as I  understand you wanting to disengage for the sake of peace, someone has to look out for his and your financial stability. If she going to keep emptying your wallets without him putting his foot down and letting her know that she is not entitled to your hard earned money, where will that leave you down the road? Did you and your DH really spend your working years with a goal of having a 60 year old to support until your dying day?

I think once the dust settles and your heads have cooled a bit, you need to try reasoning with him one last time.  If he doesn't budge then yes, step away and disengage knowing that you gave it your all.  Good luck!

JRI's picture

We separated our finances 4 years ago when she moved out.  So if she's draining him, she's draining his "allowance" and $ that is his alone.  Not one cent of the family $ goes to her above the amount we agreed to subsidize her living expense to get her out of here (she's on disability).  I check our accounts, including the charge, daily.  I agree she's a sponge, he's an enabler and she definitely has no shame.

The other day when he talked about his fantasy of her coming over to take care of us if we get sick, I said I knew she would want to but I didn't think she'd be able to do it on any kind of consistent basis.  She can't make it on the day when she says, she's never on time.  She's just undependable.  I saw what happened when her own mother was fatally ill - sometimes, she'd show up, they'd argue, SD would steal things.  Its really something to look forward to ( cough, cough).

JRI's picture

DH believes, and I would love to believe, that her drug days are over.   Only problem is about 2 months ago, she sent me a text by mistake.  It was meant for "Amy", whoever that is, apologizing for not paying for some pills, she planned to pay asap.  Oh, and did Amy have any more?  I didnt say anything to her and I still dont think she realizes what happened.  I didnt tell DH right away, either, but a couple weeks later when there was another money request, I said, you know she's still buying drugs and showed it to him.  He didnt have much reaction but later I heard him ask her who Amy is.  Of course, she denied knowing what he was talking about. On and on..

Kes's picture

It's bizarre that your DH thinks SD60 would come to your aid if you are both incapacitated!  So ridiculous it's almost funny, if it weren't so sad.  She will never be anything but a cuckoo and a leech.  It's a shame DH is so deluded about her.

JRI's picture

Yes, he is so deluded.  Its hard to watch.


ExhaustedByItAll's picture

You know how disengagement works better than most. Stay strong, stay out of it, let DH figure it out on his own. Your finances are separate, if DH chooses to spend his money and give her the title/everything, so be it, she'll probably just do it again. I would just remind him to save up for the next time!

tog redux's picture

At this point you aren't going to change him. Have your most level-headed kid or skid help him find the best deal possible so at least he doesn't get fleeced. 

JRI's picture

In my unmedical opinion, he's in the early stages of dementia so gets confused easily.  I help him with most business matters which is why I went online.  But he's going to be on his own here.  He and OSS have a so-so relationship and thats the only local one who would help.  DD wants nothing to do with SD.  Sigh....

CajunMom's picture

This is just stunning and not in a good way. You know, JRI, I think I've mentioned on another post of yours....I'm going to be 60 in a few weeks. I read your posts about this woman and cringe. Not to say we don't have our own mooching crew but thankfully, this is one area DH did finally cut the cord on....handing out money. Had he not, we'd be broke already. And as for any of his crew taking care of us when we get old and need help? Thanks, but no thanks. I'll hire someone. It will be cheaper, considering we had to PAY his oldest son (in his late 30's at the time) $500 because he spent a few days with us while visiting his city (vacation). Yep, you read that right. We had to pay the man to visit us. How do you think caring for us would go??  LOL

Stay strong, Friend. Let your DH figure out his mess.

JRI's picture

I live with the delusional thinking of DH dail, CajunMom, so often get lulled into thinking "helping my kid" is natural, even tho "the kid" is 60.


caninelover's picture

As you well know if DH doesn't see reality after all these years then he likely won't now.

JRI, do you have a will or trust that clearly gives power of attorney to one of your own bios?  If not I strongly suggest you do so, just in case someithing happens to you before DH.  Then SD will likely find a way to drain you both.  Other than that, take a deep breath, stay strong and disengage!

caninelover's picture

And definitely a good idea to review.

CajunMom's picture

We've done everything from the legal standpoint....wills, POA's, medical POA's, Executors. My attorney, which became our attorney, knows the very high conflcit situation I am in and has done everything to protect me should DH die first. Even down to having all "titled vehicles" (cars, RV, trailers, etc) donated to me. DH and I also did pre funeral arrangements and clearly knows what each wants, so his kids can come and behave, or not attend. 

We review every 5 years. 

thinkthrice's picture

I can't fathom a 60 yr old that is this disfunctional.

No words.

advice.only2's picture

I'm curious what DH intends for SD if he were to pass?  Does he expect you to continue enabling her?

I only ask because my grandmother's spouse passed almost 20 years ago, he was very well off and had his will written that everythinig goes to my grandmother, upon her passing everything left would go to his two children (one very well off, the other with no job and relying on daddy to keep raising him).   The two sons sort of circled like vultures for a few years hoping my grandmother would kick the bucket as well.  Alas no she is still alive and well and more than likely headed into the 100 club…if she reaches that point all the money will be gone and there will be nothing left to split between the sons.  Almost a sweet revenge that my grandmother may or may not be aware of.

JRI's picture

DH84 seems to think about what will happen and often urges her to "get a boyfriend, get a girlfriend, anything", "I'm not getting younger", etc..   I'm sure SD would like to get someone, too, unfortunately, she can't maintain relationships.  When I asked him the other day who would take care of this stuff once he's gone, he said "You will".  I said no, i'm moving near by bios.  He doesn't think I will but he's wrong.

Once I've moved, I guess it will be her 3 kids except that 2 of them maintain their distance with the younger girl saying, "don't call, don't text".  The older girl is still in contact but shes a weak individual, too.  SD's brother, OSS, lives here and I know he dreads her calls and is (rightly) apprehensive about any contact.   He's a softy but his wife is a wise person.  Yes, it will be a damn mess.

Merry's picture

Hooboy. I also help DH with business-type arrangements and I'm his tech support too. He's been tested for dementia, but fortunately no indication of that but his short term memory is terrible. A lifetime of undiagnosed ADHD and aging is difficult for both of us. 

Example: We did a bunch of Christmas shopping on Amazon. Not my preferred approach, but easiest. We had probably 10 gifts in the shopping cart on his Prime account, and I left him to check out. Something went awry, no order, no confirmation emails, no credit card charge, nothing left in the cart. He said he was signed in as a guest, but he wasn't. It was his own dang account. He swears he did everything right. Obviously he didn't, but no point arguing about it. I don't want to hover over him like he's helpless but it's stuff like this that drives me bonkers. It's not like he'll learn from mistakes because he just doesn't remember details. And I'll admit to being a bit resentful that this kind of thing always falls to me.

Sorry for the slight rant there. Back to the car. If your neighbor is in the car business, would DH hire him to handle it? Provide the top price and any other requirements and let him find the car and handle paperwork? That gets you an experienced person, and you're out of it.

Are you saying you're considering having the car titled in DH's name? Be careful about that. If SD is in an accident, DH can be sued too. Guess how I know.

JRI's picture

Your DH sounds like mine.  The memory issue, wow.   Yesterday, we went to his primary for the yearly checkup.  I went in with him because:  1) dr asked how rx was working  He answered fine.  Two minutes later, he was complaining about the problem the rx is supposed to fix.  He did not understand what the Dr was asking.  2)  Dr asked him questions.  DH would look at me and I'd nod yes or shake my head.  We got home and he got out his prescriptions, all 2 of them, and asked me again what they were for.  Turns out he wasn't taking one of them properly.

Don't even get me started abojt his phone.  He can call out and answer calls (mostly), otherwise, nada.  It's a trip.

CLove's picture

DH is a mechanic, and gets cars gifted all the time. SD22 Feral Forger, when she turned 18 he actually had a REALLy nice used BMW - it was REALLY sweet - ready for her to get her license after she got a job.

She got the job and ghosted us, and still has no license, and hes since sold the car a long time ago, and shes MAD that he hasnt given her a car...!

Im waiting with bated breath to see where your adventures in car buying for SD goes...!

LittleCloud9's picture

You're right it's going to be a costly mistake for your DH. Disengage is probably best for you mentally. I would simply encourage the two of you to have a "max dollar amount" agreed upon to limit the damage financially. Honestly, I would pay money to protect my peace of mind from toxic people....