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Car saga is finally over

JRI's picture

SD60 ran into a deer recently and totaled her car on which she had let insurance lapse.  She was miraculously unhurt, the car was smashed up pretty badly when she went down an embankment.   DH and I have been running around with her from tow yard to tow yard to finance company to car dealers.  But, Saturday, we selected a car and only awaited her obtaining new insurance.

Yesterday, she called and preliminarily set up the insurance.  DH is paying the initial premium and I insisted she handle her monthly payments by deduction from her account, rather than having it charged to us then trying to collect from her and having to listen to her sob stories.

DH has seemed so overwhelmed by this whole thing, it's really shown me the dementia coming on.  He sees it, too. So yesterday, we sat down and made a list headed "When" and "What" to list everything that had to still be done.  That seemed to help.

Today, we needed to take the title and lien release to the tow company so they can move forward on salvage.  He wanted me to go but I told him I couldn't stand being in the car with the two of them being so confused, arguing and contradicting each other.  I thought they'd be able to handle it and they did.

They got back and she proceeded to tell me about her anxiety and heart rate due to the stress of the transaction and fear she wouldn't get the car today.  She and I sat down to get the insurance going.  Luckily, she had given the insurance company the VIN number yesterday because she had forgotten her paperwork. She thought she had forgotten her debit card, too, but eventually found it in her cluttered purse.   Proof of insurance was faxed to the car dealer.

We drove up and paid for the car.  She hugged me and thanked me but I told her it was from Dad.  I also told her "You only have this one asset.   Keep it insured and dont let anybody borrow it".   I'm sure this will all be disregarded like everything else.   She drove off.

DH seems happy altho I can tell he can't understand why I'm not showing more enthusiasm.  I'm just so relieved this stage is over.  They will still have to get it registered but they have a month and we have the list of what's needed.

I guess we did what had to be done otherwise she would have been calling DH for rides to Dr appts, rx pickups, grocery shopping, etc.  I'm definitely not riding with her anyplace if she is driving, too erratic for me.   The biggest plus is my part in this is over, I think.  Now, i'm just hoping she doesnt call us and start whining about nobody inviting her for Thanksgiving, I dont want to see her for awhile.


caninelover's picture

Good job getting through this.  Sorry about DH's dementia but it sounds like you're handling it all very well.  

For Thanksgiving, definitely ignore SD's whining and just relax and enjoy a quiet stress-free day.  You deserve it.

CLove's picture

Now she is off your backs at least for a while. Hopefully you can enjoy your weekend.

JRI's picture

The operative words here are "for awhile".  It's the holiday season so I'm certain we will be hearing more drama soon.  Sigh....

AgedOut's picture

I'm glad you can put this chapter behind you. When my Mom started showing her dementia more, we'd spend some time just listening to music. It seemed to help her find her bearings. 


Kes's picture

Don't understand why DH would expect you to "show enthusiasm" for any part of this transaction.  The whole thing is just a gigantic PITA.  

JRI's picture

I'm ready for him if he says anything.  "I cant get excited about her using your love and concern to extort a car when she was too stupid to keep her only asset insured".  He's tiptoeing around, he knows me well enough to know what I think.

Merry's picture

JRI, you and I are disengaged at about the same level. Sometimes we step in to assist our DHs or to protect our own boundaries, but that doesn't mean that our DHs never hear an opinion. I do bite my tongue sometimes, but now and then a stark statement of reality is exactly what is needed.

You handled the whole thing perfectly, right down to the wine.

Let's see how those auto-draws on the insurance go. I bet the mean old bank takes money out of her account for no good reason so payments bounce.

JRI's picture

That mean ole bank is constantly making stupid mistakes!   Also Social Social Security, Geico, her landlord and many others!  She's a tragic victim!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

JRI, what do you think will happen to your SD after your DH passes? Do you have a plan that will protect you from her endless mooching? 

I'm curious because I had a SIL similar to your SD. After FIL passed, life became very difficult for her and her own kids quickly got sick of her. Do you think your SSs will step up to help her?

JRI's picture

I plan to move out of town by one of my bios.  Before I leave, I plan to meet with all 3 of her kids and explain that Grandpa is gone,  I'm moving away, time for you to step up.   I noted that during this recent emergency, her 3 kids were no-shows.  Oldest GD initially helped but probably got turned off and quit responding.

The only other local relation is OSS.  This is the one she was heavily pressuring for a temporary vehicle, even tho she was uninsured.  He stood his ground and said no but he's a softy and she has years of manipulation experience.  I think she was even calling his wife, a very sweet "church lady" person.  But, hey, use anybody you can, right?

I agree it's going to be a big damn mess.  Next time I meet with my financial advisor, I plan to get the name of a lawyer with experience in this field.  

Kes's picture

If I were you I certainly would not bother telling her kids to "step up".  She is not their responsibility and certainly not yours. As a courtesy I might inform them I was leaving, but that would be as far as I would go. 

tog redux's picture

Around here you lose your license for as long as you drove uninsured - too bad that doesn't happen in your state. 

JRI's picture

Of course, driving without a license wouldn't be a problem for SD.   We're above the law and we never have consrquences (cough cough).

CajunMom's picture

I did this stuff in the past. Was the main player in getting DH's youngest son into his car...using all my connections to get it all done in ONE day. So chaotic I still remember it like it was yesterday. So, I can only imagine your day(s) as Day's youngest really wasn't that bad of the kids.

I'm glad to read you have planned for "that" day. Your SD's kids have probably had their fill of their mom. Let's hope her brother can stand strong because he's the one she'll be going after next. 


JRI's picture

I cannot believe you accomished all this stuff in ONE day!  You must have some connections, girl!

Yes, I feel sorry for OSS, he will have to toughen up, big time.  After my phone convo with him the other day, I thought I should have talked about loyalty.  How loyalty to your original family is replaced by loyalty to your spouse.   It seems like these kids had a special loyalty to each other after DH and BM split.  I've seen it over the years.  That's been nice to see but SD is one to exploit it

As far as my bios go, no problem, tbey are crystal clear aware of SDs antics.  As a matter of fact, I havent even told them about the car, they will both be having a talk with me, I can hear it now.  Lol.



grannyd's picture

JRI, you're a 76 y/o star! I recently turned 77 and cannot imagine coping with the 'mess' that you handled, in no time flat. 

All of those children (with the exception, clearly, of long-in-the-tooth mini-wife) can only have benefitted by having a take-charge Mom/SM like you at the helm. But WTH, Hon, you can’t win ‘em all… Unknw



JRI's picture

In actuality, DH was the chief mover here for all the years.  He is or was a natural leader, managed 3 plants, 100+ employees,  a truck fleet, dealt with 3 unions while effortlessly coping with me, 5 kids and his crazy ex.  While we isually agreed, most of the time, his opinion ruled.  Its just been the past few years when he has dimmed that I've had to do it.  Things change....

grannyd's picture

Wow, JRI, that explains a lot. With a powerhouse for a dad, your parasitic SD has learned to rely on him far too much. My DH is also a take-charge person who finds it difficult to refuse a request for help. Men like this are easily manipulated by a helpless act.

Don't shortchange youself, m'dear; YOU were the one coping with those 5 kids! 

JRI's picture

You're right, for sure, he groomed her to count on dad.  He likes to solve problems and be the knight in shining armor.  Tears are an instant trigger for him and she knows it.  She also lays it on thick with her headaches, insomnia, anemia, anxiety, yada yada yada.  When we try to talk to him about her, he responds with a litany of her health problems.  His saying is "There have always been sick people.  Back in the day (long story about how his job placed him where he saw many patients)".  To be honest, she does have some legitimate health issues, just not as bad, imo, as depicted.  Her drug use doesnt help, either, and has fried her brain.


SMto3's picture

This still happens when they are 60????