And now she wants to come over less
So after my last post, I decided not to take off on Saturday with my kids, SD was sweet and helpful (in hindsight maybe I should of) but SD spent all Friday with DH and the baby as she was off school on a PA day and I was working and my 5yo in school. IDK as much as DH upsets me, I am not ready to give up.l on this marriage. I guess on Saturday when I was cleaning inside, SD was yelling at my son and DH yelled at her to stop...she got upset and told him that he likes my son (his step
son) better than her and she might as well be his step Daughter, she went inside, he went and talked to her. There were a few more instances when he got upset with her, not turning off lights, playing with chemically slime, not brushing her teeth for 4 days to name a few. I had zero conflicts with her this past weekend and left any parenting up to DH. She told him Monday morning before I drove her to school that she wasn’t going to see him for awhile because of how he likes my son better etc... So DH told me all of this Monday and blamed me for it, said that she is feeling this way because he has “rejected her love” because I shared that he needs to set boundaries of appropriate physical affection, which has resulted in him rejecting her when she tries to lay with him, so he basically feels that she is actually blaming him and targeting my son because of me. I am not going to say I have been a perfect step mom and I have called her out on things, but overall I feel like she IS upset with her father for making her accountable for her actions and for how she treats my son. Apparently she also told DH that she is still hurt by an event that happened 8 months ago, where I told her she can act like an asshole (I was saying all kids can, including my niece and my son) DH then told her that I don’t care about her and talk shit about her.. all while I was crying telling her I love and care for her and what he was saying isn’t true... but DH thinks she is doing all this now...because of that “trauma” I caused her... but we have had trips and vacations and many many wonderful times since then...it doesn’t make sense that she would be reacting now to an event from 8 months ago
So today her mom sent DH an email that she feels he favours my son over her etc. And she doesn’t want to come over as much. I have not seen the email, he just mentioned it as he was heading out to go get some building materials for our home. He said he will call her on the drive and speak with her. Apparently I am not mentioned in the email, but he is sure that she has said stuff about me to her mom. But seriously? If I am actually the target of all her anger, why am I not mentioned? Is SD really that scared of evil step mom that she won’t even tell her mom how awful I am?
or, is the more likely Scenario, that she is feeling jealous of her step brother and half baby sister and that they get to be with their dad all the time and she is taking it out on my son (it’s hard to do to a baby and she really loves her sister) and she is having a hard time fitting in here when at her mom’s it’s just her and her there are 5 of us... she also does not seem to feel she should have any responsibility while here and can do whatever she wants and doesn’t like it when DH disciplines in anyways and that she is threatening to not see him, because she isn’t getting what she wants. I suggested to DH that she needs counselling too and he is open to it...
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Kids will get disappointed.
Kids will get disappointed. They will feel pain. They will try to manipulate. They Will lie. They are HUMAN.
A parent's job is to help their kid learn to navigate life, not coddle them until it doesn't hurt anymore. He doea a bigger disservice to his daughter by trying to make her feel good than helping her learn to cope with her negative emotions.
I get that you don't want to give up, but you need to lay it all out for DH:
"No, I will not be the scapegoat for this. Your daughter sees that YOU spend more time with her stepbrother and sister than you do with her. That HURTS, but you can't change that. YOU need to help her deal with those difficult emotions that come from YOUR divorce with her mother.
Let me be clear: I may not agree with your parenting style, but I have NEVER and will NEVER try to stop you having a relationship with your daughter. However, when she in OUR home around MY son and OUR daughter, I expect her do act like a member of THIS family. She is no more special than the others, and YOU treating her like she is only feeds into her victim status when we DO treat her like family.
So make a choice: she is either family like the rest of us, or she is special and isolated. YOU get to make that choice, and it's your choice alone. I have no more to say nor do I want to hear more about this. YOU broke it, so YOU fix it. She is YOUR daughter."
Walk away and repeat that you are done talking about it. If he is THAT concerned that you are a monster to his daughter, then he can pack up and save her from the Big Bad Evil SM. Otherwise, he can get his head screwed on right and deal with parenthood like a GD adult.
You are his partner, not his child. Demand respect and let your voice be heard. If he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is. Do NOT be a doormat to his piss-poor parenting.
Wow
thank you, that is some excellent advice. And it is so very true, he needs to help her deal with these issues and not blame me for it. A wife of his friend we went away with last summer even noticed how poorly she can treat my son and said one day my son will be bigger than her. I will add she can also be great with my son and I know she loves him. But it does upset me when she treats him bad, but siblings in general fight too... my son is also a very tough little boy and he does stand up to her. I am proud of my husband for giving her a hard time for yelling at my son. We have counselling again tomorrow to discuss SD. I have told him if I am that horrible? Then why stay married to me?
Don't ask him that question.
Don't ask him that question. Make the statement:
"DH, if I am that horrible, then leave me. I won't stop you."
When you frame it as a question, it gives him the opportunity to make little jabs because he has now been given permission to give a verbal answer. If you are "that horrible", then he needs to act, not talk. There is no room for discussion if he truly thinks you're a monster. If he tries to argue or give his two cents, shut it down:
"So you agree that I am horrible, yet you continue to expose your daughter to me and call me the bad guy. No good parent would expose their child to someone they though was that horrible, so either I am not as horrible as you say or you're not being a good parent. You can't have it both ways.
And if I am that horrible of a person, then you made an even bigger mistale by having a child with me. Now you have endangered not one, but two children."
Just keep turning his insults into statements. Even if you shed a tear while saying it, say it unapologetically. If you are horrible, then he has made at least two mistakes. Not you, HIM. HE needs that blasted back at HIM.
And when the therapist tries to shut you down, make the same statement:
"I cannot understand how I am a horrible person yet he stays with me. I cannot understand how I am a horrible person but he had a child with me."
And when he says that you treat him like he is a horrible person:
"You're right, I do think there can be improvement on your part, just as I feel that there can be improvement on mine. That is why I am here, in counseling, with you to see if we can make changes that allow us to be less horrible to each other - or give one or both of us clarity that this isn't going to work. Those are our two options with this, and I personally haven't decided which path we are on yet, though I do feel I will have decided within the next month."
He expects you to crumple into a crying mess. You doing that buys him time. He is manipulating the situation so that he doesn't have to deal with the hard stuff. If you bring the hard stuff to the forefront, he'll either step up or you'll realize he never will.
Thank you
some wonderful advice from uoub today! Thank you! I straight up told him that if I actually thought someone was trying to destroy my relationship with my son, not only would I not be with them, I would hate them. He is accusing me of this... trying to destroy their super strong relationship... well my other point is, if it’s so strong? Why is it so broken so easily? IMO, I am not horrible and he KNOWS this, I was alone with his daughter quite a bit this summer... with the other two and I now do all the school drop offs and pick ups (45min each way) why would he trust me alone with her? If I was evil SM?
great idea about statements, instead of questions
any resonable person could look at the situation and know my SD and understand it’s a case of jealousy and manipulation. SD isn’t always princess and so she is punishing DH... even her comments that she might as well be DH’s step daughter shows that she feels step children should be treated less than BIO’s.
he needs to start helping her deal with all of this... I understand this is so difficult for her... and we need to help her deal with it, not enable her
IMO he needs to spell out
IMO he needs to spell out exactly what his duties as a father is to SD and what a boyfriend does. As she gets older you can tie dropping old behaviors as childish (age inappropriate) and time to become a big girl with the next step to being an adult. I think sometimes we forget to tell kids that some day, (age 18 in my house) they will become responsible for themselves and nobody will help them like when they are little kids.
That crap about "keeping them kids as long as possible" is the biggest load people spew. Its nothing more than a cop out on parenting. DH 's job as a father to each of his kids is to steer them to adulthood. If that means dissappointmetn for them, so be it. That's what grit and resilance takes to be taught.
hang tough Journey. Don't let him scapegoat you in this.
Really excellent advice!
Really excellent advice!
My OSS had some problems when
My OSS had some problems when he realised that my SO spends more time with my BS11 than with his own children. This IS hurtful for OSS12, but there is nothing we can do about it except leave the door open for him to spend more time here.
There is no way around this than through it. Be glad that she's actually telling people this is how she feels. At least you know what you are dealing with. And if she took the 'asshole' comment the wrong way, take this as an opportunity to explain. It's true dat - though - all kids are amazing and all kids are awful.
Thanks all
well DH and I had a very long conversation about everything and I am actually extremely happy with how he handled everything (a little shocked too). He called SD to follow up on his ex’s email. The email was all about my son. It was that she feels he treats me son better than her and also that my son rubs things in her face when he does things like call DH “dad”. (My son is 5 and while he can be annoying he is also one of the sweetest kids) there was zero mention of me in the email and the ex even said she told her daughter how hard DH fought for her (this is a woman who claimed he was unfit and now that she knows he isn’t was apparently sticking up for him) Dh listening to SD and told me that he believes part of what she was doing and saying is for attention and a lot of what she said was ridiculous. Like that he never has alone time with her (meanwhile they spent all day Friday together) that she is bored when she is here because her friends are not around and there are not enough fun things (less than a month ago we went on a 16 day vacantion which included a cruise) and Sunday we were at the beach. That he works too much (my DH does work Friday evenings... but the rest of her time Here he is devoted to the kids... I have never seen a father spend so much quality time with their kids) but rather than shoot down everything that she said he listened. She didn’t mention me and then when he mentioned me she started crying. He told her that him and I will try to be more conscious of things with her and that we are “reading a book” (we are too... but he didn’t want to tell her we are in counselling too to help with all of this). He told her that there are 5 Of us and that she needs to make an effort to be part of this family too. He told her at 11yo she may feel she wants to see him less, but to understand he could say yes to that and this WILL negatively impact her life. (Keep in mind DH has a 23yo daughter that he does not have a relationship with as he wasn’t part of her life and SD knows this)
He also suggested to SD that her and I spend skme
alone time together (suggested by our counsellor) and she seemed happy with this suggestion.
In my conversation to DH he did awknowlesge that this isn’t all my fault and that a lot of this stuff is because of the situation. DH reiterated to he that she can’t take things out on my son.
I believe she has always been a little jealous of how I am with my son (I don’t think her mother gives her the same quality time I do with my son) and now with her realizing my son is also getting this from Dh she is envious.
I was also able to share with DH many of my honest feelings about being a SM, he actually seemed to understand it more.
we have counselling again today and if he and the counsellor feel it is necessary, we will get SD in counselling too... something I have been pushing for, for a long time.