I disagree with Maux. I think that a wedding is a very significant event. If mom wasn't in immediate danger of dying or there wasn't some significant change in her condition, I think the wedding would supercede the visit. The visit could be any time AFTER the ceremony. I really don't blame your daughter for being disappointed. Her own mother is dead and your wife is the closest thing she has to having her own mother.

I really think some family counseling would be good for you all along with some marriage counseling. It doesn't seem like your relationship with your wife is very stable at all. It sounds like you guys argue all the time and the added stress of having children from prior relationships is a heavier burden because of it.

I can understand that your daughter's feelings were a little bruised, but if she's got any kind of heart I would think she'd see the selfishness of her behavior and be able to empathize and sympathize with your wife's losing her mother. It would be nice if your wife would initiate the conversation, but since she's not, maybe you need to.
Perhaps you could put it into context for your daughter: "you know how sad you were when you lost your mother? Well, that doesn't get easier just because you get older" and help the two of them get together. As one adult who's lost a mom, perhaps she'll be able to see it from that perspective instead of this "me me me me me" thing that weddings have become for young brides.
Good luck- it's no fun being stuck in the middle, I'm sure.

My only wisdom is this...

People are human and everyone makes mistakes....
It seems like there are hurt feelings and anger on all sides due to badly chosen words, (mis)perception of ill intent, etc....

Everyone in this situation has a choice... to let go of the past, the anger, and attempt a peaceful coexistence that may build a foundation for a healthier relationship.

We get so entrenched in our emotional battles that we fail to see the toll it is taking on our lives.

I can see that you are saddened by the situation, and I hope that your family realizes that this faily relationship is a work in progress and requires the cooperation of all the parties involved.

Faith,hope, and determination are all we have....

I don't see how anyone even a bride can justify a command performance from anyone even on the day of their wedding. I remember being disappointed because my sister didn't come get ready with me for my wedding but she had her own things to do that morning, so I had my other 50 women relatives and friends there, so what.

Where were your daughter's friends, her sister, why would only your wife (stepmother) do for this?? Maybe we don't have all the info because to me so far this sounds petty, both of the daughters' issues.

I can tell you that having a mother slip away into alzheimers is an awful thing and if you haven't experienced this, you do not realize HOW you will feel about it or WHAT you will need to do to deal with it, YOURSELF. These girls need to grow up, in my opinion.

And you need to take your wife's side! I can completely see how her position most likely has been building up over years, to where she doesn't feel the same obligation to your children as you do! Maybe you should support your wife and model good husband behavior for these girls!

Well folks, I am Joey B's wife, the stepmother to the daughter that got married 2 years ago and the daughter of the mother with not alzheimers rather frontal lobal dimentia (actually presents itself differently than alzheimers). My Mother passed away 7 months ago and I would not change 1 minute I spent with her. It was an honor to help my Mother as I fed, bathed and changed her the last several months of her life. A few months before my stepdaughters wedding I had to place my precious Mother into a facility. I went every single day for sometimes 8-10 hours per day. At the time my stepdaughter asked me to go to the hotel for 4 hours prior to her wedding to dress with her 6 attendants plus her biological grandmother, Sue was initially correct in that I found an "excuse" (just fed up with years and years of being disrespected by both stepdaughters and now a fiance) and politely declined but said I would in fact come to the hotel an hour or so prior to the wedding. I did just that. The other reason was I honest wanted my Mother to see me and my husband (if he chose to) to see us both dressed up in formal attire and was hopeful that she would realize who we were. We did just that and I don't believe she knew at all who we were but it brought a few moments of joy as she smiled and touched our clothing.

I am not going to go on and on here. I asked my husband to please go onto this site which he did because after 10 years of being together we are still arguing over the same damn issues with my adult stepdaughters. I have found this site helpful and thought it may give him some insight into my feelings. Thank you because most of you did in fact "nail it". One of the best pieces of advice I have received on this site is that we create our own happiness. I have plans to do just that. I have a life to live and I'm going to go get my CNA certification and hopefully find a job in a alz/dimentia unit where I have the opportunity to make my life more meaningful. If I can give just one person a few moments of joy and special attention it will be worth it.

Oh, I am not a Stepmonster as some may think. I am a wife that has done everything I know possible to do what I feel is right. I have and continue to honor my commitment to my husband. I came into a difficult situation with 2 teenage girls that had lost their mother. I tried very hard to be a friend and someone they could talk to. I wanted to help them, show them affection, care and love. It did not work out this way and i have been resented and disrespected for many, many years. They are grown, it is time for a change. Here I go on and on again.

Just thank you all again for trying to help.

Just one more thought. I have a biological daughter with my first husband. I was single 14 years before remarrying. My biological daughter loves and respects my husband, always has and always will. She is 24 years old. I just wish so badly that my stepdaughters could treat me with that kind of respect.

Stepaside,

I never thought of it that way but I will say that I did raise my daughter differently than how my stepdaughters were raised. My daughter's father walked out on me when I was pregnant. I was her sole parent. I was very, very involved and was the type of parent that was very black and white. There was right and there was wrong and she was always very clear that there were consequences to bad behavior. I did not financially have the opportunity to spoil or provide much more than the necessities. My bio daughter was born with some challenges (Arnold Chiari Malformation and was in and out of hospitals for many, many years. Today she is in Med School and doing wonderful. I'm so proud.

Again I'm going on and on but thank you for helping take a look at this situation at another angle.

I have to say that the sm was asked and the sm gave what she could and she WAS there to which it seems her dh and and SD is not giving her credit for. Please Joe give your wife credit for being there 1 hour before the wedding to stay with your daughter. It's not like she completely bailed she was there!! This Joe is what you should have told your daughter. You need to go NOW and tell your daughter that she can;t expect people to do what she wants when and how. YOu need to tell her that she asked her sm to be there for 4 hours and your wife gave her what she could 1 hour at least your daughter got that and she needs to be thankful she got that after all the years of disrespect she showed her.

One last thing Joe it seems to me that SD just didn;t like the idea that sm didn't give what she wanted her to give. Like I said Sd wanted 4 hours and sm could only give 1. Why is it that sd has a point? I mean sm DID give what she could isn't that all we can expect out anyone in our lives is to give what they can and not what we want them to? Why is it not good enough that sm gave what she could and not what sd wanted?

This is Joey's wife again. Thank you all so very much for your opinions and insight. Joey has read most of the post and he did tell me last night that he was wrong. Joey has told me that he will talk with his daughters and hopefully there will be some change. I love my husband so much and I honestly feel if we could resolve this issue with our stepdaughters one way or another that our marriage will be all that it could and should be. Joey and I both realize how fortunate we were to have met each other a little later in our lives. We weren't kids starting off rather we were to middle age adults who became blindsided by love and never imagined that anything would change that happiness. Life goes on and we'll see what happens. Again, thanks.

So sorry to hear about your Mother. My Nana has Alzheimer's and is in the final stage so I understand that time is precious.

I am definitely not judging you for spending time with your Mom. Who would ?

I think you deserve some peace, and was hoping that DH would see the bigger picture (it's not all the details of the battles that matter, it is the nature of the interaction that is the point)

If THE Skids cannot offer you respect, then how can you be expected to give respect to them ?

I think that your plans sound wonderful, best wishes to you