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Ours Baby and an invasive BM

Jmariel8's picture

Okay so here it goes. I’ve been with DH for four years, I have a SD11 and a SS9 and we just had a baby two months ago. From the moment I told DH I was pregnant it has been a nightmare. The entire pregnancy was spent talking about how he would never forget his first two especially his son. Every time I wanted to talk about the coming baby he would change the topic to SS9. Even setting up during the baby shower I wanted him to help and he decided to play ball inside the venue because “that was his son” which has nothing to do with anything but anything you say that’s what he says “that’s my son”. Fast forward to giving birth one week post partum he’s yelling at me because I’m in the bedroom with the baby locked up and I don’t want the kids in the bedroom. My baby was premie the kids are in school everyday and I just gave birth can I have time to heal? And I love the kids but I feel my bedroom should be a kid free zone. Yes the baby is here for now but this rule will apply to him one day too. I work with kids as a teacher and I’m with kids at home my room is my one escape plus they make a mess when they come in or if we’re having a conversation they jump in. Now before getting pregnant a year ago I asked DH what he wanted with the future because I didn’t want to move forward if he was going to have BM involved, I asked if we could do certain things separate especially birthdays because BM has a smart mouth, she acts nice but says rude things and the sight of them hosting together is very unnerving and uncomfortable. He said he would not host anymore bdays with her and had no desire to have her in our lives. We never told BM I was pregnant the kids told her and she tells me “congrats on having a baby with the best person in the world.” BM is married and has a new baby and all I could think was isn’t your husband the man you just had a child with the best? Then she says well now you have a child and it’s the kids brother so next year we can all trick or treat together and I said no not at all I’m having a child with DH not BM. Now it’s his sons bday and he’s hosting it with her, and she wants a photo of her new son ss9 sd11 and my new son and I said no again there’s no need. But DH is on her side with it all and yelling that that is his son and he will give him what he wants. I asked him to let me go then because this is not the life I want. Am I wrong? I just want my family without her in it, I know there are certain events that are inevitable but him hosting parties w her and acting all buddy buddy and her sudden input on my new child. Or her rubbing her relationship with his family in my face. She even has her new son call his brothers uncle too. My son is two months can’t I enjoy him before BM adds her two cents. The party is in two days and I have autoimmune disorders and you can literally see my health going to shit because of the stress. Any advice?Okay so here it goes. I’ve been with DH for four years, I have a SD11 and a SS9 and we just had a baby two months ago. From the moment I told DH I was pregnant it has been a nightmare. The entire pregnancy was spent talking about how he would never forget his first two especially his son. Every time I wanted to talk about the coming baby he would change the topic to SS9. Even setting up during the baby shower I wanted him to help and he decided to play ball inside the venue because “that was his son” which has nothing to do with anything but anything you say that’s what he says “that’s my son”. Fast forward to giving birth one week post partum he’s yelling at me because I’m in the bedroom with the baby locked up and I don’t want the kids in the bedroom. My baby was premie the kids are in school everyday and I just gave birth can I have time to heal? And I love the kids but I feel my bedroom should be a kid free zone. Yes the baby is here for now but this rule will apply to him one day too. I work with kids as a teacher and I’m with kids at home my room is my one escape plus they make a mess when they come in or if we’re having a conversation they jump in. Now before getting pregnant a year ago I asked DH what he wanted with the future because I didn’t want to move forward if he was going to have BM involved, I asked if we could do certain things separate especially birthdays because BM has a smart mouth, she acts nice but says rude things and the sight of them hosting together is very unnerving and uncomfortable. He said he would not host anymore bdays with her and had no desire to have her in our lives. We never told BM I was pregnant the kids told her and she tells me “congrats on having a baby with the best person in the world.” BM is married and has a new baby and all I could think was isn’t your husband the man you just had a child with the best? Then she says well now you have a child and it’s the kids brother so next year we can all trick or treat together and I said no not at all I’m having a child with DH not BM. Now it’s his sons bday and he’s hosting it with her, and she wants a photo of her new son ss9 sd11 and my new son and I said no again there’s no need. But DH is on her side with it all and yelling that that is his son and he will give him what he wants. I asked him to let me go then because this is not the life I want. Am I wrong? I just want my family without her in it, I know there are certain events that are inevitable but him hosting parties w her and acting all buddy buddy and her sudden input on my new child. Or her rubbing her relationship with his family in my face. She even has her new son call his brothers uncle too. My son is two months can’t I enjoy him before BM adds her two cents. The party is in two days and I have autoimmune disorders and you can literally see my health going to shit because of the stress. Any advice?

Comments

shamds's picture

Your husband needs to respect that and stop making everything about skids. Its not just skids and he needs to stop over compensating

when i gave birth my ss was 17.5 and 19 when both our kids were born. When it was time to go to hospital, ss was told we were going to hospital. Nothing else was more important. My husband also made sure after i gave birth that ss didn't go to hospital because he'd quickly get bored and wanna go home and hubby wanted to spend time together.

the most issue we had with exwife was her trying to make me drop everything for sd's when i had a 1 & 2.5 yr old like her daughters were centre of the universe. I stopped this nonsense pretty early on because it was biomum trying to meddle in our household somewhat.

my son has allergies to egg and cats and sd's have cats at home and were covered in cat hair everytime we met and my son has an epipen so we do control who he is around because he gets very sick very quickly and i make no apologies for being a mama bear in that respects.

how your husband is behaving isn't normal and its him still being rooted in his previous family as his world. The times have changed, he has a new family and although his exwife is the mother to 2 of his kids, she is not your family or his family anymore

your husband/partner needs to recognise and accept that and make sure his kids understand that too. My husband's exwifes family are nuts and into black magic, i made it clear to my husband that his daughters don't get to take pics of our kids and show them/send them to bio mum and her family because of the harm they could do. Her dad and brother had years ago during the divorce threatened to stab and shoot my husband to death so my husband has accepted and of his own accord ensured that bio mum or her family never be near us. 
 

unfortunately communication is key but even more difficult when your husband is getting angry and somewhat violent with you because he refuses to hash things out as an adult and see where you are coming from.

end of the day, your health and that of your preemie baby comes first. If you do not want biomum to have a pic of your kid because its not her family then you have a right to that being respected and not hubby making this about ss. Your kid is a minor and didn't consent to exwife having his pic. 
 

there are only 2 people who get to dictate access of your kid (you and your husband) but when one of you feels uncomfortable and is against ex-family or extended people having pics or access, then your spouses views should be respected as a priority

Winterglow's picture

OK, from the top ...

"The entire pregnancy was spent talking about how he would never forget his first two especially his son.

What is the matter with him? Doesn't he know that love isn't finite and that you can love another child without depriving the others?

"anything you say that’s what he says “that’s my son”.

He has an unhealthy attachment (obsession) to his son. Why is that? Why doesn't he seem to have the same feelings for his daughter?

"Fast forward to giving birth one week post partum he’s yelling at me because I’m in the bedroom with the baby locked up and I don’t want the kids in the bedroom."

This is the point at which I would have packed and left with my baby. You need time and space to bond - even more so if you're trying to breastfeed. And I agree with you that the adults' bedroom should be child-free as a rule. Everyone needs a safe space and your bedroom should be your sanctuary. Does he know nothing about childbirth? Where was he when his first two were born? He actually sounds as if he resents your child - did you discuss having a child together before marriage? 

"if we’re having a conversation they jump in."

Does he actually parent them at all or does he let them do what they like with no rules nor boundaries?

"Now it’s his sons bday and he’s hosting it with her."

So he says one thing to mollify you and then goes back on his word. Why is he so keen to keep his ex happy? You can be cordial with an ex without playing happy families. I wonder what her husband thinks of having the guy who used to sleep with his wife around so much?

"But DH is on her side with it all and yelling that that is his son and he will give him what he wants."

So what YOU want is of no consequence? All I can suggest is counselling and if he won't go then you'll know that your marriage is more important to you than it is to him and that there's no point in struggling with someone who has so little regard for you. He apparently has forgotten his vows - isn't there a bit about "forsaking all others"? 

I asked him to let me go then because this is not the life I want. Am I wrong?

The problem isn't BM, it's your husband 100%. There would be no problem with her if he set boundaries and respected you, his new wife rather than pandering to his ex. He doesn't seem to be able to say no to her nor to his kids but has no trouble yelling at you

You are not wrong for not wanting this kind of life. If you don't want to live like this then don't but make sure you have a pit-bull of a lawyer for your divorce and make no concessions (i.e. don't sell yourself or your son short in order to be Ms NiceGuy).

Start by not going to this party. Not your child, not your problem. Have a nice quiet day with your baby. As from now, put your foot down about what you will and will not put up with. 

Tell him that you didn't marry him to be a sister-wife to his ex...

Kloewent's picture

Perfect last line!! I am so sorry. You picked the wrong boy to have a child with. I truly doubt he will ever view your child as equal to "his son.

justmakingthebest's picture

Some people want those social media exes that are still just a big happy extended family- but if that was the case why did the couple break up?

Sure there are events that will be joint in the skids lives. School functions, sports, etc- those are things that all parents wind up doing together. Birthday's, holiday's- no. Those can be done separately. 

Your husband really needs to stop and figure out where is priorities are. Have you tried marriage counseling? Someone who has REAL experience with this kind of stuff and isn't going to tell you to suck it up "for the kids"? 

You aren't wrong for having boundaries with your husband's ex. The real concern to me is why he doesn't. I do think that there is a possibility for your relationship to be saved but in this case he is going to have to make some big changes to make your marriage the priority. 

CastleJJ's picture

This would be my hill to die on. There is no reason to be buddy buddy with an ex. They are an ex for a reason. You can still 100% co-parent without having joint celebrations and be all up in each other's families. 

Since your DH fails to have the balls to put boundaries in place, that will have to be yours to do. I recommend taking your baby and leaving before the birthday party. Just a Mommy/Baby day and returning after all the festivities are over. That way, you don't have to play fake nice with BM or worry about your baby being in the middle of the circus. If DH gets pissed, oh well, he couldn't honor your boundaries. I also second therapy. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

So he has a son and a daughter already, and your baby is a boy. He keeps repeating "That's my son!", and now is going back on his word to you by doing things with BM and even wants yo involve YOUR son with BM? This guy has some deep-seated issues. Maybe he is upset because SS has been "dethroned" as his only son? I'm hearing "HE's my son (points to SS), not him!" Could BM be putting these "poor SS" ideas into his head? I recommend therapy since you have a baby with DH, and it's too soon to give up. BUT - what's going on now is not ok. It's not fair to you or to your baby. ETA i think if you had a daughter, then SD might be the focus of DH's obsession and anxiety. 

ESMOD's picture

it's not so much his ex as it is your dh never set boundaries with her.  she is thinking "blended family".. you want separate family.

I can see wanting a picture with all the siblings. which they are all siblings..even if the yuongest two are not sharing genes with each other.. they both do with the Skids.

but.. your dh went back on his promise to not do the joint events.. and in hindsight... seeing that in practice before you had a child would have been better timing... so at this point.. either he starts valuing your boundaries.. or he may have another EX on his hands.

notarelative's picture

DH wanting the picture is normal. BM wanting the picture is weird to me.

DH can take a picture of all of his kids anytime during his custody. He can take a picture every time all the kids are together. There is no need for BM to be present for sibling pictures.

justmakingthebest's picture

Absolutely! DH wanting a picture of all his kids- totally normal. 

I have no desire to have a picture of my kids half sibilings in my house. Why would I?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yeah, DH can take a pic of *his* kids any time he wants. But he wants BM's kids by another man in there, too, if i'm not mistaken. That's where things go off the rails IMO. Like, DH's first 2 kids are SO important that THEY must have their whole happy family including OP's sister wife and DH's brother husband. DH is putting his first kids and their supposed needs above all else. And I say supposed because i bet those kids could give a crap about having the pictures. It's social media obsessed adults who go crazy for pictures based on my experience. They will trample all over others' boundaries to get those all-important likes and "wow, amazing!"s in the comment section. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I just read the original post again, and it looks like BM has a new son and she wants him in the pic with the kids, and DH's new son. Like "look everyone, my ex and i both have new sons! Aren't we such awesome co-parents that we still do things together!" 

ESMOD's picture

I think the idea is maybe for a keepsake photo for the children to have.... for them to have all their siblings in the same picture...because there are 4 kids.. two are the  skids.. then one each by new partners.. but the skids have a relation to both babies.

I can kind of see how creating that keepsake for the kid's in the future might be the motivation.

CLove's picture

But still - shouldnt OP have a say in these things too?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

OP is just his current wife and a first-time mother to his new baby. BM's desire to have a picture that shows what besties she and OP's husband are is more important. They are so alike, both with new sons! 

i maintain my position that this is not for the skids at all, and the skids could likely care less. When has a young child been having fun, and said "everybody stop what you're doing, we need a picture!" OP is clearly struggling as a new mother, and has asked her husband not to do this. If indulging BM's desire for a picture is more important to this guy, he's not a good husband. 

shamds's picture

This for the kids and make peace.'y husband wants nothing to do with her. In our case bio mum got 2 ss from new affair marriage but if she ever demanded our kids attend so we could do a 1 big happy family pic because her 3 kids with my husband are their half siblings, it would be a hard pass from my husband.

we can do pics alone when it's hubby's family doing holiday pics but my kids aren't biomums family. Yes they may somewhat be connected because of my kids half siblings but biomum, her kids/skids with new husband are not part of our family inner circle and therefore no pics are reqd.

it's important to have healthy boundaries and your spouse/partner respect them over pandering to skids and an exwife

Rumplestiltskin's picture

This BM wants the pic to include her new son who isn't even related to OP or her DH. I hope the off chance that the skids may possibly want this pic when they are adults is worth the mental health of his current wife and possibly their marriage, because that's what he's risking. But being real, it's probably all for BM to get attention on social media. 

shamds's picture

Bio mum is no longer part of op husbands inner circle and family including her new kid. Op husbands family consists of him, op and their kid, along with 2 skids of op husband. Everyone else is not family anymore and especially the exwife's new son with current husband. 
 

my husband made that clear distinction and made that very clear to his eldest daughter that he did not care about her mum or her new hubby. That his family consisted of us and his 3 kids with exwife so whatever biomum wanted, whatever she had eldest sd rant on non stop about was unwanted and disrespectful to my husband considering he had happily remarried and had 2 kids with me and was happily married and focused on building our future together.

cowtowing to exwife's whims, demands and feefees were not of his concern and never to be mentioned again. They can claim its for the kids and its us being awesome coparents yada yada, they meed to move on  with their current families

Ispofacto's picture

When DH and I started dating I was open to being friendly with BM. Until she made it very clear she is psycho.

I guess your DH hasn't noticed the passive aggressive jabs your BM makes. If that's what they are. It's possible she's just really stupid.

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It's highly possible that both BM and DH are either selfish, stupid, or both. I'm angry for OP. This b!tch is texting her about her feelings for her husband and now trying to horn in on their family time, while OP is adjusting to being a first-time mother, and the husband doesn't seem to care.