You are here

Ugh BM being a trouble maker

Jlbfinch's picture

When BM moved out of the family home (which is now our family home) she took everything she wanted but left plenty behind too. When I moved in two years ago I started replacing stuff and redecorating here and there. I hated the color of the kitchen but left it alone for a year bc my older step son acted like he was going to have a meltdown if I changed too much at once so it's been a gradual process. DH gave me full authority from day one to get rid of and change anything I want whenever I want and his POV was "the kids can have a say when they start paying the mortgage" so it was my decision alone to go slow so as to not upset the kids.

So with that being said, our current playroom used to be my younger SS's bedroom until he was 5. There's still baby nursery decor all over the room and a bunch of baby stuff in the closet. I put it all up for sale on a FB buy and sale page for our community over the weekend (step sons were not here). Yesterday my younger SS came home from school acting like a rude little turd to me. Right off the bat he said "I didn't want you to get rid of my baby stuff." Obviously BM must be part of the same FB group and saw the postings I made. She hasn't lived in this house in four years, you would think that's plenty of time to ask for anything back that's sentimental to her. And if she saw the items on FB and wanted them why not just ask me instead of making comments about it to SS? I don't see any possible way SS could know about the baby stuff and be upset about without BM telling him and spinning it in a way to make him think he should be mad at me.


Jlbfinch's picture

I told him we are selling old stuff to have extra money to have lots of fun over the summer. He seemed to be okay after that but kept taking subtle digs at me until I pulled him into the bedroom for a talk and threatened to call his dad.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

YOU JUST described BM to a T. I've been through this except my SO did not have my back at all. He totally caved to her.

Willow2010's picture

Being devils advocate here. What exactly did you sell? Was it something that SS may have wanted later in life for his own kids? I still have a lot of my kids baby stuff. When they have kids they will get all the stuff they used to use when they were babies.

As a BM I would have been hurt if the ex or his wife sold my kids baby stuff without asking me first. (yes even if it was at Dads Maybe she assumed that the father would keep it for the kid. That is why she never bothered to get it from his house. I don’t know but I never would have told the child to go and make SM feel like crap. She should have called your DH.

twoviewpoints's picture

I would have given the chance for the kid to pick out a few things to put a small box in attic pre just up and selling/pitching. Yeah, didn't take and Dad obviously doesn't care one way or the other... but the kid may actually care. I'm not saying let a kid hoard out grown/out aged stuff, but a few mementos.

Kitchens, family rooms, décor, paint, furniture? Dig in and change away. Outdated nurseries turned playroom? Help yourself and enjoy expressing the next era. Baby clothes and equipment? Out with it. Hang on to those items too long and no one else will want the out of style not up to current code crap.

Heck, if you got a decent amount from your quick sale, give the kid a $10 for his piggy bank. However, yep, the 'but', I'd let the kid have picked out a teddy, favorite nursery rhyme book and his first booties to save. No reason. Just because.

I'm not a fan of second marriages starting off in pre-established homes to begin with. New home. Fresh start. Equal footing for adults and no 'owner' tendencies (as in new spouse/stepsiblings are the outsiders in this house) from any kids.

Jlbfinch's picture

Not everything sold but what I put up for sale was a crib bumper, crib mattress, an unused baby book, an unused baby's first year picture frame, and a bunch of jungle decor (nursery lamp, some wall hangings, a tissue box holder, a diaper holder, and some fake floral arrangements in vases.). Most of this stuff has been in the closet and inaccessible for years bc some heavy plastic totes were blocking the closet door.

Edited to add: also a baby bathtub and some unopened sippy cups and pacifiers.

Teas83's picture

Yep, BM is definitely just trying to make trouble. I can't see any normal child caring about getting rid of any of the things that you listed. Your SS was clearly coached by BM to feel like he should be upset.

InvisibleStep's picture

I was recently in a very similar situation. We were moving from the house that he had lived in with the X to the new home we built. One of my SD's wanted to keep everything!!!Before getting rid of anything we did give her the option of keeping things that really meant something to her but we had to put a limit on it and narrow the choices because it was out of hand. She even got upset that we were selling an old dining room table. What kid cares about a table?! Come to find out it was because BM wanted the table and was using the kids to get it. We ended up selling it to her just to get rid of it.

What we realized is that it's about control for my SD. There have been so many changes over the last 3 years(divorce, split homes, our wedding, new house) that she feels like she doesn't have a say in anything. By putting up a fight about keeping the dumbest things imaginable she is just trying to have some control.

I try to be sympathetic but it gets hard when it's a constant battle that seems to have no ending. My advice for situations like this would be to give them a choice on one thing so they feel like they have some say and then hopefully they won't really care about everything that particular situation anyways.

WokeUpABug's picture

Kids generally aren't sentimental about their baby stuff. If anything they try to distance themselves from it as they are now so "grown up." This has BM written all over it. She doesn't want the stuff, but would like you to continue to act as a storage facility for her.

twoviewpoints's picture

After reading the list of items sold (nothing of sentimental worth), looks like BM is just being b*tchy. Mad because she didn't initially take the stuff and sale it herself.

Binkies, snippy cups baby bath?

Jlbfinch's picture

I understand what you're saying but at the same time, I have two bio kids in the same house. Why would I garge sale and donate away their things as they outgrow and quit using them but lovingly box up his just in case he might want them later? If I saved all the kids stuff our attic would probably collapse at some point from the weight. I showed my husband everything I was clearing out before I did it and he was fine with it. The only difference between me and him was that I resold some things and plan to donate the rest. He would've have bagged it all up and taken it straight to the curb on trash day.

Teas83's picture

I agree with you. I'm constantly getting rid of old toys and such that belong(ed) to my DD3. I simply explain to her that she hasn't used these things in years so we're giving it to another little girl who doesn't have as many toys as DD does. I always do this around birthdays and Christmas when we get an influx of new belongings, and DD is fine with it.

But when it comes to getting rid of anything that belongs to SD8, it's a huge to deal to both her and my husband. Everything is "precious" to SD all of a sudden even though she's completely forgotten about everything I want to get rid of. We usually end up sending a bunch of junk to BM's instead of giving it away because SD can't handle it. Either way, as long as the junk isn't piling up in my house, I'm find with it.

Jlbfinch's picture

I think she probably is bent out of shape and thinks it's tacky that I'm selling stuff that was once in her posession. I know for a fact she made the floral arrangements but they're at least seven years old and she didn't want them for her new place four years ago. It is b*tchy of her to spin it to SS in a negative way. I am certain he wouldn't have cared or noticed if she hadn't told him and made it seem bad and she had to have told him bc otherwise there's no way he could know anything about it.

notasm3's picture

If you don't want to store something then it is ABSURD to expect the some other person will want to do that for you.

notsobad's picture

Sorry, how old is SS now?
I would have just asked him if his BM wanted the stuff. If he said yes, then tell him she should have taken it when she left or she should have asked DH for it. If he says no I wanted it, then go with the your not a baby anymore and don't need baby stuff.

The truth of the matter is that very few baby things withstand the test of time. Some toys, yes maybe but not cribs or baby baths or pacifiers. None of the things you sold would be useable in 10 - 20 years if and when SS has kids!

My Mom kept outfits and a baby buggy that turned into a highchair. The outfits were put on my kids for a picture and then put back in the box, she wanted to keep them.
The buggy turned out to be very useful and she still has it in the attic. If I ever have grandchildren I'll use it.

Jlbfinch's picture

He is 7 but closer to 8. I would not toss anything that I think has sentimental value and I agree that baby stuff gets outdated quickly. Like the crib bumper for instance, you're not even supposed to use those anymore.

notsobad's picture

Yeah, he doesn't care. Little boys dont care about baby stuff.
This has BM written all over it.
I'm sure she said something to him to make him think its his idea.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Give him the money from the sale of his items. That will shut him up and send a nice middle finger to BM.