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MY "PSUEDO" STEP CHILD DOES NOT LIKE ME BECAUSE SHE OVERHEARD HER MOTHER SAY THAT SHE DID NOT LIKE ME

jjj111's picture

I say pseudo because I am not married to her father I am living with him. Here is the story.... He has 2 kids 5 and 6. They always loved me and I adore them. They are so sweet and good. I started dating him while he was in the process of divorce. I was not the cause of their divorce and I've only met her once. I don't blame her for not liking me as she didn't want the divorce but he has not been in the house for 5 years now. Just recently the youngest overheard her mother say she didn't like me. This would explain why she has been crying and acting up. I brought home bikes for the girls today and we took them out for a ride. The sidewalk was narrow and the youngest stopped on the sidewalk (she had training wheels) and the older one screamed for her to move over because she was starting with no training wheels and couldn't stop fast. The oldest fell and the youngest started crying because she wanted to go first. I told her it's ok that the oldest went first because if she didn't she might fall down because she's not good at stopping yet but she can go first next time when they are both stopped. She didn't like that answer and rammed her bike into me. Her father grabbed her off the bike and she started screaming and crying. I carried the bike back home and she tried to rip it out of my hands. She went into time out when she got home and when her father told her she needed to apologize to me she said "no because mommy doesn't like her. (meaning me)"

I tried to ignore it and she finally apologized but she didn't mean it and I am ok for now. I know that it's not her fault she's torn. How do we handle this with the mother without making it worse?

Comments

zuzieq611's picture

I'm pretty new to the site,, and the general theme is that bm's tend to dislike us SM's or SO's. Personally I don't get it, if MY kids were spending time with someone else, I'd be nice as pie because I'd want them to be nice to my kids.....go figure.

caya506's picture

Just recently FSS3 has started asking me if I like mommy (BM). I always answered yes I do, and he comes back with well she doesn't like you. It's too bad that people can't see or don't care what they are doing to their kids when they try and put them in the middle like this. BF and I never ever talk bad about BM when FSS is with us. BF called BM out on this and she basically told him to eff off. If the mother is doing this intentionally or is unwilling to make an effort to prevent the children from hearing such things then there's really nothing to be done except reassure the children that you do like their mommy (even if it makes you want to puke a little Smile ) and hopefully they will figure it out for themselves who the "good guy" is.

jjj111's picture

Thanks for that. I really did have a great relationship with both girls until this happened. She does make me sick and I harbored no ill will before. The oldest has not been affected but it's sad that the 5 year old has learned to dislike/hate at her age. I'm pretty sure I didn't have any enemies at 5. I still do my best to try and make the home as happy as possible and truly try and understand how I would feel if I was in their situation. Why can't we all just get along?

logiebug13's picture

Wow story of my life 3 years ago. Unfortunately aside from a gag order from the court there isnt much you can do. Even if you get the gag order (trust me i know!) my SD is 8. at 4 and 5 i got the same thing from her. I always took the high road and said that :"sometimes mommys and daddys say things they dont mean" and further told her that "mommy doesnt have to like me, all that is important is that her (SD) and I liked each other" most if the time it blew over although i could always sense that little but of rebellion from her towards me.. util recently, she is now old enought to see through her moms BS and has begun resenting her! We are now in the process of getting her into counseling. Eventhough she is a great kid and very well rounded we think that her seeing someone to talk to to herlp her understand the adult issues involved and understand more about blended families will be good for her.

jjj111's picture

Wow that is great. I hope the same happens here. I am being very patient. It's not the 5 year old's fault that she is confused and the mother is an idiot that she would want to cause so much confusion and hurt for her little girl. The plain fact is that even if the father was not with me, he's not going to go back to her. There is no point to all of this.

Mich811's picture

Terrible situation. I think the posters above are right -- just keep being kind and do your best to stay calm. At least you have tangible proof that the BM is doing these things -- in our case, it is all assumption and that makes it very tricky.

jjj111's picture

I am so sorry, maybe you can try talking to the kids and straight out ask them. It's good if they are able to share their feelings instead of bottle them up so open dialog is important anyway. Find a good opportunity to have your husband ask them....Do you think that mommy is upset with your daddy? Is mommy upset with your grandmother? Is mommy upset with "you, the stepmother"? This way he is not probing the child "did she say horrible things" about you, he is asking who she is upset with by throwing the grand parents in there as a curveball.

stepmasochist's picture

What do you guys think of her deflecting it with something like, "I'm not sure how it's possible for mommy not to like me. She doesn't even know me. But you know me and I know you used to like me, so how bout let's try that again?" or something like that?

I don't know, but I'd be tempted to try it. It's difficult when they're so young. I'm thinking when I got something similar - I screwed up and just told the truth. "Your mom doesn't like me because she's jealous. She was mean to your daddy and wishes she hadn't been because he's just such a great guy, but he's my guy now and she wishes he was still with her."

Probably so very, very wrong but my SS and I got past all of that nonsense. I don't really experience the loyalty issues in my home. My skids have learned to "play" their mom. Oldest SD has told me the younger two tell BM what she wants to here which is how mean I am. I know how they act with me, so it's no bother.

jjj111's picture

I agree, it's not a bad idea. I wanted to have her and her father work it out for now so that i don't add insult to injury but if it continues we will definitely explore this option. He spoke with the ex this morning and she denied that she spoke poorly of me. This is not good but this only happened yesterday so we get them again on Weds. I will wait and see.

hismineandours's picture

i used to tell my ss, "oh you must have misunderstood your mommy. She would never say something like that"

kallisjack's picture

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stevewaugh's picture

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creditcode's picture

Any amount will be graciously accepted. They always loved me and I adore them. I started dating him while he was in the process of divorce. This would explain why she has been crying and acting up. I brought home bikes for the girls today and we took them out for a ride. The oldest fell and the youngest started crying because she wanted to go first. Her father grabbed her off the bike and she started screaming and crying. I carried the bike back home and she tried to rip it out of my hands. MIL talked about me like I was a dog for many years. All I ask is that you respect me as a human being. BF and I never ever talk bad about BM when FSS is with us. BF called BM out on this and she basically told him to eff off. I really did have a great relationship with both girls until this happened. She does make me sick and I harbored no ill will before. I still do my best to try and make the home as happy as possible and truly try and understand how I would feel if I was in their situation. Then DH told me to just keep loving him the same as I always have and eventaully SS will figure out that BM is a POS and her words are only words. Just keep taking them on bike rides and giving them hugs and kisses. Eventually they will figure it out. Unfortunately aside from a gag order from the court there isnt much you can do. Eventhough she is a great kid and very well rounded we think that her seeing someone to talk to to herlp her understand the adult issues involved and understand more about blended families will be good for her. There is no point to all of this. Find a good opportunity to have your husband ask them. Oldest SD has told me the younger two tell BM what she wants to here which is how mean I am. He spoke with the ex this morning and she denied that she spoke poorly of me. This is not good but this only happened yesterday so we get them again on Weds. Just not going to fall into the who loves who more trap. Let BM play those games and let my actions speak for themself. False confessions can be induced through coercion or by the mental disorder or incompetency of the accused.At present, any main publishing industry has grow to be considerably extra advanced and also has become working with systems by retaining in tempo in the future. Really, a fast development of the publishing technology has updated their printing technologies immensely. With regards to print place credit code, you will find considerably additional selections out there and there is certainly an introduction of new exciting characteristics which has recently been extra to the existing day printing business. Yet, these kind of changes surely have brought on tremendous uncertainty amongst the people today. It has created individuals perplexed on the complete idea of digital printing. Those that have already been thus far comfy together with conventional techniques uncover it complicated to create a choice. Hence it truly is quite important to judge the abilities plus the cons of each and every type prior to making the selection.