You are here

Another day Another day of step daughter running the house

Jill Hall's picture

My step daughter is an only child on her dad's side of the family and an only grandchild. She lives with us b/c Mom can't control her. She cries constantly when she doesn't get her way. She has no way of working things out. My husband and she have a very odd relationship in that she is his best friend and he tells her everything, or at least he used to.

Anyway, last night her dad let her to to KU unsupervised and of course, she missed curfew. She is 16 years old and has only been dating since July. She has had six sexual partners in this time and I'm the only one concerned. I wish I could keep my mouth shut!

Jill

Comments

SympatheticBioDad's picture

Wow. How do you know she's been with six partners? Does her father know? If so, why is she still being allowed outside the house? Why haven't her partners been arrested for statutory crimes?

If something isn't done quickly, you'll not only be a Stepmother, but you'll also be a Grandmother. Not to mention your SD will have messed up her life, and it will take a long time to get back on track, if ever!

At her rate she's greatly increasing her chances of contracting an STD. Six partners since July 2005? Hell, she could already have something and not even know it. You might want to get her tested. If nothing else it will probably scare the *$!@ out of her.

Sick of it's picture

I know exactly how you feel, my s/d is almost 16 and she thinks she runs the house! She too has had sevral sexual partners and I am concerned about STD's I even got her the implanon rod ( a contreceptive) in her arm because I was certain She would be a younge mum. There is only 10 years diffrence between myself and Sarah which sometimes makes it easier because she opens up to me.
But now she has started talking about how much she wants a baby. But she can not stand my 2 children 7 and 5 y/o. She would not go to school or get a job untill recently I sent her to a special school for kids like her. Her father works night shift 7 nights a week and cannot take time of because it is our buisness we just started, so whilst he sleeps through the day I have to sort her out. Which takes all attention of the little kids. I even had to get a safe to lock my hand bag in at night so she wouldnt steal my money of me. Hang in there It must get easier one day....

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Wow! That sounds like a nightmare! Your step daughter is headed for disaster.
In my opinion her father needs to stop being her friend and start being her father. She needs some rules and her father needs to enforce them. You can back him up as well.
Maybe she needs some counselling as well, to get her on the right track. I worry about this kind of behavior all of the time and my stepson is only ten. However, I think that his mother will allow a lot of behavior with dating, etc., that his father and I won't. In others words, we don't want my stepson repeating the mistakes of his parents. My stepson's mother hasn't been one to encourage high morals with her behavior thus far.
What does your husband say about his daughter's behavior? Does he think it is ok?

Dawn

Terryific478's picture

Thank god, we have this blog! Why are you feeling guilty? The girl is playing roulette with her life and doesn't see it. Then again teenagers usually don't, they think, "oh, it won't happen to me" Anyway, my suggestion. Take her to the local planned parenthood in your area. If you think it is undermining your husband, tell him your plans. It might be a good bonding experience for the both of you. If it isn't, you did your part as a good stepmom would. Has she been to an OB/GYN? Has anyone talked to her about going? It is possible he is not comfortable talking to her about this stuff, I seriously doubt he could relate to her perspective on it, he isn't female. Does bio mom know? What she has given up? You can't. Teenagers need to know someone cares enough. They may not tell you and you may get hell from her, she may turn and tell mom and it may blow up in your face. However, you can go to sleep at night knowing you tried and offered. Tell her, if she is scared, you will go with. Ask her "do you prefer a female or a male?" The doctor will talk with her, I'm sure she will confide in her/him. Whether or not he thinks it is ok, you are the woman. Odviously, the other woman is not stepping up to the plate on this. Teenagers want to see that someone will put limits and care enough. As for her crying, let her and ignore it, in time, she will stop. Stick to your guns. Especially when she learns it is not getting her what she wants. If she need a little TLC, she will have to learn how to get it in a better way. As for your hubby telling her everything. You can express how you feel about it. Since when do teenagers have to know everything? Sorry, I don't tell my teens everything. Some things are just none of their business. You two are the adults. Let her know, these are the rules in this house and if she does not abide by them, there will be consequences. How does she get back and forth? Don't give her a ride to the persons house next time, she will figure it out in time. In the meantime, tell her you would like to talk, tell her your concerns and get her to an OB!
Terryific

Anonymous's picture

Honestly, why don't you dump your husband and find someone who pays as much attention to you as he does his daughter?! That is ludicrous! I came on this site looking for some skills or advice regarding dealing with difficult stepchildren but there is absolutely NO WAY on earth I would tolerate that stuff. Seriously, I am sure you are worth more than that are there way more fish in the sea with WAY less baggage ladies!!! Come on, wake up and smell the better cup of coffee...

livenletlv's picture

I have been in the same situation for 13 yrs. and I agree that it is all ludicrous. Why do we keep putting up with the same problems that never seem to get corrected?

My SD sounds a lot like this girl, but she is now 33 and still misbehaving! I just found out that she SOLD my son's heirloom dresser (probably for a fraction of what it's worth) just to keep from having to go to work like everyone else. When I called her to ask her about it, she pretended not to know what I was talking about. Now as I look around the house I find other missing pieces of furniture.

Her father's answer? He said, "So what are you saying? She's a lying thief?" My answer was, "Yes--exactly!". What the hell do you want me to say...No?

LUCKY SHE IS OUT's picture

I have known my step-daughter for 12 years and i am much younger than her father infact there is 10 years difference between she and I she has to have 24 hr. attention. I was told last week my mother is dying with ALS and then my sister has lung cancer. She was so jealous that me and her father's attention has been directed towards them she destroyed EVERYTHING in my house. WORSE THAN AN TORNADO. I ended up beating her ass.I have dealt with this for 12 years NEVER NEVER NEVER again! I am done. GET AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN! THEY ARE HORRIBLE. GOOD LUCK and may GOD BE WITH YOU!

rawkus's picture

I agree! It is great to have a forum where you can share your experiences and get feedback from other people who's experiences are similar. However, there comes a time when you have to get REAL and ask FOR WHAT YOU WANT instead of venting.

Abscent fathers have enormous guilt so they overcompensate by throwing money at their children and not giving them any clear boundaries for fear of 'not being liked'. They also take on the role of 'friend' to their children which is not healthy. Children need parents, not friends. I often wonder if parents didn't split up, would they parent differently than they do now they are apart.

The father (or abscent parent) create this unhealthy relationship. Children do what works. Girls especially are very adept at manipulating their father's and playing on the guilt. The men don't see it, whereas the SM instinctively see's it, after all we also are female! I have personally witnessed relationships between fathers and daughters where the daughter has taken on the pseudo role of wife/mother and has bordered on uncomfortable intimate behaviour that you would not accept as a mother if your biological daughters were behaving like that to their own fathers.

The key is a husband that supports you 100% as your partner. If you haven't got this, then nothing will change. Before you marry or commit yourself to someone who has children you need to sit down and work out a plan on how YOU BOTH will run the blended families i.e. money, boundaries, discipline etc. Something we sadly neglect in the rose tinted glass stage of the relationship.

I believe the adults are the pack leaders of the family and the children, his/yours/both of yours are next in the pecking order. The letters on this forum are about father's who are running the house with their children and putting their wives second. The children will all grown up and get their own lives one day and you will be left with each other. The key is the relationship.

It is better to be alone and healthy alone than in a relationship that is unhealthy.

ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT! Good luck.

catscratch's picture

"I have personally witnessed relationships between fathers and daughters where the daughter has taken on the pseudo role of wife/mother and has bordered on uncomfortable intimate behaviour that you would not accept as a mother if your biological daughters were behaving like that to their own fathers."

Yeah, me too, Rawkus. The whole daddy issue syndrome is a real-time event in my life, since the adult eldest daughter of my husband's became his phone-buddy/confidante every night for the past few months. And now, he's not even talking to me, but his relationship with his kid has never been better.

You're so right about how blind men are to this type of manipulation. How can we stop letting these things happen--what do we do about them? If it were an unrelated other woman, I'd have snatched her bald-headed by now. But is this really any different? Alienation of affection is alienation of affection, regardless of where it comes from. HELP!

Sorry, I'm brand new here and saw this post and it is the closest thing I've seen yet, about what's going on with me. I'd have been better off never having met these people, at this point! And sadly, it's what I wish for every day. Is there anybody here who has had any success with this type of problem?

Thank you. Sad

Mlena's picture

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your post. I've been sitting locked in my bedroom crying my eyes out over this situation. Yes, you all read it right locked in MY bedroom because my boyfriend's daughter is running my home and I am trying my best not to loose it. My what seemed like a perfect relationship has gone down the toilet. For the first weeks I felt so guilty. I keep telling myself that I was being selfish, unreasonably jeaulous and blah and blah. But I know that I am a very giving and compasionate person so what gives. Well things just got more and more blatant until a blind person could see what was going on. How did I end up in a competition over my man with a 16 year old!

Again thank you for your wise words. He sees it and I deserve better!!!!!

Mlena

Lauraine's picture

I disagree with the comments from Ditch the DUD. I have been married for 12 years to a wonderful guy, but when it comes to my venting about Melanie our stepdaughter. I may as well not exist. Melanie is also an only child on my husbands side and she has always lived with my two children and I. We began this relationship as a blended family and I feel that from day one, Melanie did not like the fact that her father met me and married me. Let me begin by saying that Tom is a wonderful Dad to my children. But, right now I am feeling so inadequate as a stepmother. I cannot bond or form any type of relationship with Melanie. She has made this virtually impossible. An example of the treatment I have been experiencing for years now would be Tuesday. Tuesday was Melanie's 20th birthday and we celebrated here at the house. I don't mind and it was fine. But the whole time we were at the dinner table, she totally ignored me, you know...like looking past someone when they speak to you, like you are insignificant and invisible. Actually this situation all started when I came home one day to find Melanie and two guys sprawled out on her bed watching movies. Both guys reeking of pot and Melanie with a new tongue piercing. I naturally stood in the doorway and said "I smell weed". The two guys left. Then, because Melanie was slurring (I forget about the stupid piercing), I mentioned that if she wanted to do as she pleased (such as entertain in her room and/or smoke weed), then mabye she should possibly get a place of her own. She then stormed out of the house and told her father that I had plans to kick her our of the house. The conflicts between her and I are constant. I am so tired of them. I know this sounds mean, but I cannot warm up to the girl. She is intolerable. Lacks respect, thinks the world owes her everything, and blames me for everything wrong in her life. Right now I'm sitting here stressed and unhappy. She stayed at a friends house last night, but I DREAD her coming home....she causes such tension. I can't be just me who feels that way. Alot of my side of the family calls her the "me" person and feels that she gets away with too much. Tom never says anything and I think it may be guilt...I don't know. We have had too many fights over the years over these things. I just want her to move out at this point. I need some peace! Am I just nasty, unfair? Anyone else feel this way? Have I mentioned that Tom is a model stepdad to my kids? What is wrong with me?

Dawn-Moderator's picture

First of all it doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you! You're right. I would not be putting up with that kind of behavior in my house. My husband wouldn't put up with it either. If she is living under your roof, then she should have to follow some basic rules. End of story. If she doesn't like it, then you're right. It is time for her to get her own place. However, your husband is going to have to be the one to talk to her about this, with you backing him up. The way she sounds, she won't listen to "just" you.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Dawn

Anonymous's picture

Wow I too can not wait till my 17 year old step son leaves the house!!MY HOUSE may I add...He 2x in the last week and a 1/2 has called me a f***'** B@#ch!!! Not to mention that this summer he got angry with me an punched a whole in my car!!! I WANT HIM OUT!!!!! He has told me he has no respect for me and has risen his fist to me more than once. His Father sticks up for him too!!! Guilt, yes because his Mother was a terrible alcoholic at one point in his life and had to leave with him. He has custody.My hubby and I have a terrific relationship WHEN HE IS NOT HERE and my hubby and 13 year old son get alone GREAT. I feel as though I am loosing my mind!!! This boy has been to counseling, and recently too, he had asked his Father if he could go because of his anger issues, yes I am the one who gets the brunt of them!

Anonymous's picture

I have a beautiful 17 yr old stepdaughter. She is really is a great,smart ,young lady. But our relationship is the most hardest thing in my life. She has lived with her father since she was 5 yrs old. Her dad has raised her with some help of her cousin most of her life. Her mom up and left her with her dad.I have kids from previous marriage. and now my husband and I have a kid together.
I really don't understand her she just hates me she told me I have ruined her life. I can't talk to her without it turning into a huge fight.She has even gone as far as calling the cops on me.She lies to her dad trying to split us up. And it has worked a time or too. I really am so feed up with her. I don't know what to do about this. The boys don't understand her ways. The only thing my husband and I fight about is her. I really could go on and on . She really makes me feel like I am losing my mind. She wants to leave again and I really feel she starts fights so it would be easy on her to leave her dad.

bug2034's picture

I am new to this site and was reading your blog and wow do I understand where you are coming from. The only thing that my husband and I fight about is my sd and she continuously want to treat me one way when he isn't around but then when he is you know that she is nice because she has to impress him. She even has said things to me and then denies them later. I think I have finally reached the end of my fight and am thinking of leaving because I don't know how I can possibly stay and be treated like this not only by her but now my husband because he thinks all the problems are me and she is an angel. If there is anyone that can help give advise that would be greatly appreciated because I struggle with this decision- my husband and I have a 13 year history and three children together.

catscratch's picture

Have you considered taping her behavior and showing him what she's like to you? It's not all that hard to do. Then if he sides with her, you'll know you have a deeper problem. Believe me, I know all about this side of the coin. Is leaving ever the right thing to do? I've done that leaving thing, too. But there comes a time when you HAVE to stand and fight. And what IS worth fighting for, if not your marriage?

KS's picture

Hi Lorraine & Jill,

It doesn't get any easier with age either. My boyfriend of over 3 years has a daughter that is 32 years old and has been and continues to be completely evil towards me. To boot, my boyfriend was diagnosed with terminal cancer 1.5 years ago and she was quoted saying that "I do nothing for him", even though I have been preparing organic meals and juices from scratch for him each morning and every evening, I completely support him and help him in anyway that I can to make his life as stress free as possible. I'm not sure what the answer is. I try to be the best person that I can be, and surely, I will be there for him until the end. However, if he were healthy, I probably would have left a long time ago...I have never had my own children and this seems like way too much work, anxiety and misery. The problem is that you both and I, we are their partners in life. I completely understand the blood is thicker than water issue, but, with that said, we never made our men choose one way or the other, we only want the respect that is due to us as their 'life partners', which they seem so easily and blindly to forget. We should have an equal footing to be heard and respected. Life is often times about compromise, it depends what you can live with. Most men can't understand the mechanics of it, if you have one that does, then you better hold on to him, because he is one in a million. Otherwise, the rest of us have to decide what we really want in our lives, what will make us happy, and what is mostly important to us. Good luck my friends, I am still deliberating the issue. KS

catscratch's picture

I can't tell you how sick I am of the whole blood is thicker than water fable. Why is it that just by virtue of being born, you're given a get out of jail free card? Isn't it just an excuse for the most extreme version of narcissism ever? To say that someone who shares your blood is somehow better than anyone else is just plain ego.

Anonymous's picture

my stepdaughter never had much to do with her father in the fifteen years that i have been with him. of course, he never had much. she wouldn't call him or visit him, because basically he never had any money. it hurt him so bad, he used to cry. now, he is doing well, has a great job, with great pay, and lives in a beautiful house. we moved in this beautiful house in november, and she had moved in by january. she is 20 years old, works 2 days a week, and does little else. she won't contribute, and she does not clean up after herself. she was suppose to be out by march, well, here we are...
the biggest thing is we have no room for her, so whe has a bed down in the basement which is finished. she does not like it , so she's always in my 13 yo daughter's room. a couple of times my daughter had to sleep on the couch cause homegirl was resting comfortably

Anonymous's picture

I know exactly what you are saying, I am a stepmom to a 13 year old who acts like she is 20 and looks like she is 16. My husband is so blind to her actions if she and I fight it is my fault. We recently found a myspace page that was very revealing, she told him a friend had did it for her. In his eyes she never does anything wrong, she is always the victim. We have been together since she was 8 and as the years pass she now is acting more like his wife than his daughter. We recently found out we are expecting in Dec. and now she is totally out of control. He is so afraid of upsetting her, that he will not take the role of father and put a stop to her behavior. She dresses like a prostitute and he allows this, she lies and there are never any consequences from him or her mother. Both her parents have stated that she will end up a teenage mother but no one will do anything to prevent it.HELP!!!! any advice would be appreciated.

Anonymous's picture

Oh my gosh...I could have written everything you said, except I'm not expecting (there's no way my boyfriend would have married me and had a child with me...his kids wouldn't have allowed it). My boyfriend's soon to be 16 year old daughter acts EXACTLY like your step daughter. Of course, everything is my fault, she never does anything inappropriate. He always treated her like the "princess" while his three boys did chores, had to behave and act right. The daughter was allowed to do anything and not get disciplined, basically because she was so good at lying and manipulating adults (this has been going on her entire life). Now that she is almost 16 and has gone through puberty, it's gotten worse. Her boobs are always hanging out of whatever low-cut shirt she has on, and the shorts are up to her butt, and she pretty much shoves her cleavage in everyone's face (including her father's). Of course, her father believes she has to dress this way because "all the girls do".

My boyfriend is in total denial, and I just stay out of it now because I'm just the girlfriend (I don't live with him...thank God). He created the monster by not being a "father" to his daughter and setting limits, boundaries and expectations. Whenever his boys would ask why their sister never had to do chores around the house and got away with everything, he would say "Because she's special".

catscratch's picture

Good grief! Wait until she's 30 and has had 6 kids by 4 different men... then we'll have even more in common. The thing is that these spoiled brat daddy's girls end up ruining everything they touch forever. This one has walked out on her first four already. And her "daddy" loves her no matter what. Love is about discipline and PARENTING, not BFFs.

Debi's picture

Wow, I can Totally relate...my heart goes out to you and many others on this page. It seems to be a concensus that once we marry a man that has a child we become the horrid SM. I have had my SD visit with us from the time she was 6, she never liked me then and certainly doesn't now...she used to come visit us from CA. where she lives w/her mom at least every 3-4 months for a few weeks at a time...she was always the typical kid until I caught her masturbating at age 7, I immediately told her to stop, told her dad and nothing ever became of that...long story short I said if you don't do something about this, and then about her 10 yr. old strip tease like dance in front of me and dad...then she will be PG before she is 15...guess what, she was PG at 14. However, the lovely mother (NOT) kept the pregnancy from us until she actually had the baby, then said neither one of them knew she was PG...can you believe it...and guess what daddy believed them!!! Somewhat believe anyway..you know how these dads are they see nothing wrong in their kids...Let me tell you I could fill a 500 page book on what this little girl has done to me in my life, how she has lied, manipulated, stole from me and my family...the list goes on...and she never gets in trouble from her dad...it's amazing to me! I have a daughter and son older, from a previous and one child with SD's dad...however, she hates them all..she is as phoney around them won't talk to them or anything until her dad is around then she acts all interested...of course my kids see right through her and really dislike her very much. Recently we schedule a cruise, a short 3 day one for my son and daughter...my daughter is 19 and very responsible, never asks us for anything and pays her own way, been working since she was 16...anyway, this was a cruise for us 4, dad, me and the two kids, well SD got wind of it and daddy invited her...I was furious...noone but him wants her to go...I emailed her and asked her to bow out due to no rooms available and this was a one on one time for us...she called me every name in the book, called her dad read him the email and put a few additions of her own in there to make me look bad...like my son doesn't want her to go etc. anyway now we are all in a fight, i told my husband if he takes his daughter over me its over for us...you see he has done this many times...believed his little princess's lies over my truths..and honestly he eventually found out the truth but, it was always to late to bring up again and so all has always been forgotten where she is concerned. She is a pot smoking, partying, lying conniving, manipulating little you know what...whom just recently sued her friend over a drunk driving accident and got like 16,000 of which she spent on a mercedes car and evidently went through the rest, she tells dad she has 2 jobs, yeah right....lies, if so why did she call him for 200 to enroll in school...she just had her mom put down 1100 for a boob job, of which the balance she is making payments on...yep, sick huh...she doesn't even take any responsibility for her child...she hides the fact he is hers...while her mom takes care of him....All pretty sick huh..I know and hey if you want to vent, or talk...let me know...I have plenty more stories where these came from...and could use a friend in the same spot too....Good luck and keep your chin up...I know I have to be strong as my marriage may be over because of her!!! Deb

shels's picture

Wow you have what I ve got, mine on the other hand stayed out of our lives when she was due to have the grand kid for 3 years. We have been married for 4 years and dating 3 years previous to marraige. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and she does not see her father never has since the age of 7 months she is 10 years old now, and I thank god she is a very good hearted soul. My husband and I have 2 other daughters aged 4 and 2 years and in between we have the SD's son aged 3, who looks just like the absent father, has no discipline and is a nightmare whilst with his mother. She is a liar, cheater, pot smoker, ectasy taker, man eater, and top it all lazy wee B@*ch. She acts like my husbands mistress, walks around trying to act sexily, maintaining she can get this and that off men for free when it comes to her car getting fixed etc. This is because of her tits and ass. I have thought that I might be jealous of her deep down, but in reality its the no respect (you took him off of me attitude and replaced me with another 3 girls). I am only 10 years older than her and I no that she dislikes me and blatantly tries to quieten me or keep me out the way. This is something her father doesnt let her do, and always lets me deal with her. On this point I should state he is of the opinion that he can't win as I will make his life a misery for him not respecting me and my kids and jumping to SD's aide in a crisis, of which is brought on by her self. I do make his life a misery I have to admit this, as I basically am left holding the babies, all the time. Well after 3 years of peace from SD she comes back into our lives with sprog (don't really mean this, it just is not a pleasure), and is the ever hopeful, talented singer, going to go to college, brilliant mother, lovely son, lovely house of which SD's grandfather on bio moms side, is paying rent on as his sister is in a home dying (terrible shame, so am led to believe). Turns out that the reality is a nightmare, quote from SD "When you don't see me for a while it means I am back on the drugs, I enjoy them". Nothing about the kid of which my husband has seen her in the wee small hours of the morning taking a boyfriend of which lost his license for her back home after their wee night of passion several times, or that he is dropped off to the cousins to baby sit while she works in a sandwich shop part time. I am at my wits end so much so I took xmas prezzies down last night and said I was too buzy on xmas day and over the holiday period, and her dad is working throughout the holiday period anyway so I will only have this time with him.Plus my husband just cannot let himself feel anything for SD's child, I have never seen a grown man be scared of a wee boy like this, he says he can't stand him he looks and acts just like his father, cries and screams, really screams all the time, and its all her own doing. And yet he maintains its still his daughter and he does not want the not talking thing again, for a further 3 years. This xmas thing is to help her, as she won't be able to tell lies to bio mom, or us.I am sick of being told about her sex life visits to sti clinic and in general I cant take to her, I have been told by my friends, family and husband that I look younger than her and she is a mess. I hate this as I actually look at her and see my two youngest daughters have similar features to her, and she is making a mess of her appearance and attitude to life, she is a good looking woman. I hate the fact everything is an excuse for her especially the divorce when she was 8 years old. My only hope is she finds another boyfriend and we get peace from her as this is when we get it. Oh! I forgot to mention since meeting with her again I have done the birthdays with all the kids , Halloween as well and put a stop to guy fawkes and now xmas, also she has been told that we will not be doing things for us just so she can jump on the band wagon, I don't see why I have to entertain her and her kid, and she gets to be daddy's girl while her kid feels like he is in playskool, and I am the bad 1 for disciplining him. Sick of it , so I am. I refuse to be treated this way anymore. Sorry for bursting your head, XXX

Casi's picture

Hi. My stepdaughter who is almost 16 recently moved in with me,her dad,sister,and my oldest from another relationship.Her mom and stepdad sent her because she is out of control and they dealt with it over a yr and couldnt take it anymore so sent her here.Her mom lives about 12 hrs away,she was raised by her mom and her dad only seen her once in awhile till we met and then we seen her more often.I love her but she is a real pain!She is the mot sexual person I think I have ever known.Back home she ditched school and the neighbor caught her and her b-friend in the back yard having sex!Theres a ton more.Basically her mom couldnt take it and she was lying and sneaking around and they wanted to get her away from the boy and situation.
So,she comes here and seems very sweet and loving THEN! Problems! Awful ones!I wont list them all but recently she snuck a boy in through there bedroom window and had sex and my 10 yr old was in there!Her dad is blind to it all,I need help please!anyone email me at payngabby@aol.com

catscratch's picture

This is so sad. There are so MANY of us out here. And how many of us have successfully resolved these issues? And how many of us are exes? What IS it about "daddy's girls" that make men into morons?

Taylor C's picture

Like you, I have been with my husband since his daughter was 8, and now she is 13. Wow!!! He is a lot more strict than your husband though. It is so hard to be a step-mom. My SD recently told me that she wished me and her dad had never gotten married and that I am NOT her mother. My husband and I have had so many fights because I have tried to give him "advice" about Nicole(SD). He just thinks I'm criticizing her. I have learned that if he doesn't want me to be her mom and act like a mom then I need to stop. I need to keep my mouth shut and let him deal with her. If I have a problem with her leaving her stuff around the house, or whatever, I tell him and he tells her. I told him recently that I will no longer do her laundry because I believe she is old enough to do it herself. He is doing her laundry because he doesn't want to make her. That's fine. It's none of my business. I am not going to allow myself to get all mad anymore. We just don't agree and that's okay. It's his daughter, not mine. If she is shitty to me, I have let her know that behaving that way is not going to get her what she wants from me. If she wants me to give her a ride or something, I just remind her of some disrespectful behavior and tell her no. That's the only control I have really. I don't have any other way to inflict consequences. It is really hard to be nice to a person who hates you half of the time. I have tried to explain to her that I am a human who has feelings just like she does and that when she says she wishes I was out of her life, it really hurts my feelings. Speaking from my heart at least makes me feel better and more honest. I am less angry as well because I connect to my feelings of hurt.
I also really try to remember that she is at a hard age and she's just acting out. I am the easiest person to hate for her. I try not to take it so personally and do things that make me happy.
I do try to be positive towards her when I can. Sometimes it is easier than other times. I know I am doing the best that I can. So just remember that you are not her mom and you cannot do anything for her unless she asks you.
I convinced my husband that we should start going to a local church with a good youth group. We have only been once and she protested. We are going tomorrow and have worked out a compromise to let one of her friends go with us. She is willing to do that. I am hoping this will help her find some inner direction. I am also looking into Ala-teen meetings for her. Her mother was (she died) a drug addict. My husband just put her back into counseling today. She will go every other week.
The main thing is that you will be alot happier when you decide to stay out of things. You see what's going on and you know what would help but no one wants your opinion. Find what makes you happy and get involved in that.
I totally understand your pain and frustration. It sucks!!!!
Good luck,
Taylor C

Miserable!'s picture

I went out looking for some insight and I am just blown away! I knew I wasnt' the only one dealing with a SD but I had no idea how many of you there are out there! I'm just miserable. My SD is 16 and she acts like she is so smart and so grown, but when she's around her dad she puts on a whiney baby voice that drives me insane. She was given a car when she turned 16 and has gas put in it whenever she needs it. She has no limitations (of course hubby would disagree) and it makes me crazy. I too have a daughter that will soon be 15 and they are as different as night and day. So of course my spouse thinks she's terrible because she's not like his precious girl. All SD has done this summer is vacation, go to the pool, hang out with friends, drive to the movies, etc. and all at someone elses expense. I mean, I'd love to stay home all summer and have someone give me a car and free gas to run all over the place whenever I feel like it. Do you think she has a job?? NO! Do you think she's looking?? NO There was always an excuse. Vacations are coming up, who will hire me knowing I have to leave for a trip? Lots of people would hire part time but why work if everything is given to you?? If I had the money, as much as I do truly love my husband, I'd take my daughter and run. I feel trapped. I do know that if I had it to do all over again I'd make a different decision. I'd rather be alone than go through this crap. The week she was on vacation with her mom was pure heaven. The tension in the house was non-existant. As soon as she comes back it's all screwed up again. She's a big tease too and has been since she was 13. Of course I pointed that out to her dad but he refused to see it. Then he found out she had sex before her 15th birthday and boy was that a shocker. NOT!! At least not to me. But he thinks she's so perfect. I can't wait for her to leave. Unless I go first. Thanks for letting me vent!

Regrets's picture

I have a 17 year old step daughter who has ran away numerous times, went to re hab twice, and finally got placed in foster care. She did not want to come back to live with daddy because of me. I wrote her a letter expressing my feelings while she was in rehab and ever since I am talked badly about from her moms side of the family. Her dad never stepped up to the plate with her discipline, and avoided it due to he did not want to have confrontation with her. I encourage him to have a relationship with her, but I want no parts of it, and do not involve our 4 year old daughter. Her biological mother is a methadone addicted loser, but yet my step daughter cherishes the ground she walks on. The people who try and do things for these ungrateful step children get screwed!!!

torn's picture

Lorraine, I have been a stepparent to 2 boys for almost 11 years. One of my stepsons moved back in with his mother and stepdad when he was almost 13. He has never come back. In fact we had not seen him in 2 years. That is, until Christmas, when his father ran into him in a local store. The boy actually kind of ran off instead of talking with his dad! Then there's my 20 year old stepson. Where do I start? He came to us reluctantly when his mom passed away suddenly when he was only 13. I welcomed him with open arms. When problems started, such as poor grades, bad friends, drug use, and ultimately getting a girl pregnant when he was only 14, I tried to no avail to make my husband see that he needed help and that dad was just too lenient. Long story short, every time dad would get a little tough, the boy would leave to live with friends and as he got older, girlfiends (not the mother of his twin boys)Then, whatever his situation was at the time, he'd want to come back on the drop of a dime. Well, I have 2 boys of my own and we live in a very small place. Needless to say, I don't think it's fair to them to have to keep disrupting their sleeping arrangements etc. for my husband's 20 yr. old son. We managed to have him stay with us long enough to help him get his high school diploma. Then immediately with no notice he moved in with his then current girlfried-only to come back with no notice TWO times within 5 months! Now, last night we get a call that he broke up with his girlfriend and wants to come back yet again!! His father said that he could hardly understand him on the phone, that he sounded drunk. I told him that if he sounded drunk I did not want him in our home last night. So now he is coming back today instead. I understand he is his father's son but I feel he just takes advantage of that fact. We have helped him so much and it's not that I mind helping him but I feel that what we are really doing is enabling him never to mature and stand on his own two feet. His father will bad mouth him and say he doesn't want him here and then he will just cave in to whatever he needs or wants regardless of how it affects me, our relationship, or my 2 boys. I've learned to live with it but this time I told my husband that we are going to collect room and board and that we will tell him to start to look for other living arrangements. Oh, and his current work schedule requires him to wake at 3:15 AM. My boys who are in high school and middle school have to share a bedroom with him. I told my husband that if his waking in the middle of the night to go to work disrupts them then I won't have that either. I know I probably sound like the typical mean stepmother. I truly am not. I love both my stepsons and have always treated them well-as good as my own. I just think that we really do not have the room and that this 20 year old MAN needs to grow up and live up to his responsiblities-he doesn't even see his twins or pay child support even though he has recently purchased a used truck and motorcycle and spends money on tatoos! Of course, being the stepmom, my advice was valued when my stepchildren were sick or needed help with homework, etc. but my husband does not really include me on decisions such as whether we should have him back etc. Of course, he'll ask me what I think but when I tell him the truth he'll get pissed off and then silent. Anyway, I do not think that your are being nasty or unfair. It is your home too and just like me, your husband should remember that. Even if we weren't stepfamilies, I think that we would be equally fed up if our own children were behaving like Melanie or my stepson. And, I do want to mention that you are blessed to have a husband that is a model stepdad. My own spouse is an excellent husband but sometimes has been indifferent and very critical as a stepdad to my children. Let's just say when we had all 4 of our children living with us he always distinguished between his biological sons and his stepsons. To this day, although they have not been in his life as consistently as my children, my husband will say things to them like "I didn't even do that for my own kid" when one of my children asked for something. Sad and sick. I have been told before that we should get counseling (he won't). I've also been told I should leave him and I have thought about it from time to time. Good luck to you. I know how hard it is sometimes to be stepmom. I find that the worst thing is that even when you are trying to act as an interested and concerened natural parent would, your efforts are often misconstrued as being a meddling stepmom. I don't know what the answers are. I know that I never thought I would even be in a blended family let alone in one where his children are held to one standard and mine to another. Again, good luck and no, you are not crazy. Don't even think it for a minute. And, you are not alone.

Allie's picture

I feel the same way. My step daughter is the same way. The only thing is I can't stand my step daughter and I don't know why. I won't let her spend time with her dad. I am very mean to her and treat my 3 bio- kids great. My husband also treats my kids great. I wish their was some kind of pill I could take to help me not fee this way.

A.Dee's picture

I can totally relate to how you feel! My 10yr old SD is such a jerk! Everyone always coddles her and talks about how wonderful she is and I just can't force myself to give her a chance. She manipulates her father and everyone else, she's sneaky and hateful behind everyone's back. I hate letting her father spend time with her...it just gets under my skin the way he worships her like she's some kind of freakin angel. I just ignore her for the most part.

Selina's picture

I am in a very similar situation. I have been living with my boyfriend for 10yrs and we also have a 10 yr age differnce. I have two kids and so does he. I get along Ok with his son 17 we dont really say much to one another but he is a great kid. his daughter on the other hand drives me crazy. it is hard to explain what she does but we just cant get a long. I am the type that does not forget things but her fathers just calls it the past and she is doing good for a month and everything is forgotten. I admit to being a little old fashion. i dont think she should have a boyfriend. so she hates me for that because if a boy calls i am like no boys are allowed to call here. if her chores arent done i tell her to do them. she goes to school and when i get hom from work at 5pm she is in bed sleeping. her brother does his chores and my little one does. her and my son dont so i yell at them to get it done. then she tells her dad she hates me and that if i dont go she is running away what do we do now? i can leave and give her what she wants but why should i. i cant stand her what can i do please help

terry's picture

hi lauraine! sounds like my situation...have lived with my partner for 6 years and his 2 adult children the girl is 21 and has no intention of giving up her daddys little girl status !!!she is jealous of her dad and i and refuses togive me any consideration.she is always in a power struggle for top spot with her dad ...even put i love daddy on his cell phone screensaver.im sooo stressed when she is here which is 90 percent of the time...she really irritates me too because im not good at sharing and almost feel like she is a competitive bitch trying to steal my man !!!! she is the ultimate dumb blond for sure and that drives me nuts anyway !!!her dad is mr nice lets all get along guy and has not done much parenting at all .... so i feel im on my own not much support ...very discouraging its causing so much stress and he wants to get married! i say we have alot of issues as long as she is here i will not get married....she wants to live with daddy forever so we will see who lasts !!!!

Stressed out momma's picture

I have 12 year old stedaughter whom does whatever shes pleases. I know it will be just like that several years from now. Every week it worsens. My husband and I have 2 children together and I have one from a previous marriage.
My S/D picks on my 9 yr old daughter and bullies her. My mother-in-law, hardly even agknowledges her two other grandchildren which are 2 yrs old and 1 week old. She showers all her money and attention to her 12 yr old granddaughter.
The kid runs me nuts. Destroys the house, steals from her sisters and me. I have NEVER seen her ever get punished for anything.

I catch crap for alot of what she does. The kid dresses like shes 21 and shes not even 13 yrs old yet. Shes rude to other children who are overweight and makes fun of them..which really burns me. She is vain and interrupts people when they talk, doesnt matter who they are.

She eats us out of house and home. Doesnt abide by ANY rules. Stays up till 2/4 am. My husband and I hardly get time to be together alone because of her. Everytime we talk his daughter budges in and interrupts and I end up walking away cause he doesnt stop her. The only time I get an actual conversation with him is on the cell phone.

She is like a God in the house.

Mlena's picture

Jill,

It is not you! Let me repeat it is not you. I've talked to a couple of very wise older relatives since my situation began. These daughter's know exactly what they are doing!

Lauraine's picture

This morning Tom confronted Melanie and let her know that it hurts to see that the both of us do not get along. Melanie stood there in silence and then forced herself to look her father in the eye and tell him that she was not angry with me. What a load of C%$#P! Anyway she is off to work now. Thanks for posting. I really needed to vent yesterday!

Anonymous's picture

I have a child in my home who is 18 years old. Her father has 6 children. Two years ago (she was 16) he remarried a 19 year old girl. My husbund and I have a four year old. Her father and I were friends through work, four years ago she started babysitting my child which then turned into staying with us most of the time. We then moved to another state. She was very upset and did not want us to leave, she had a very hard time with the new young step mother. We talked to her Dad and she moved with us. I applied for gaurdinship and she will be 19 this month and still with us. It has been tough lot's of the time. It is hard ti disapline a child that is not yours and I also won't her to always feel wanted. I have recently come upon a new challenge!!! I went into her room for a scratch piece of paper to take down a phone number. On the back of the page I found a list with her and a friend of her's name on the paper. One list saind BJ's each girl had 4 names on and then another list had one list of ten boys and on my girl's list was nine names. I an not to nieve to know what this list means, she had confided in me the first time she had sex (17 years old) and the first name on this list was his name. I am shocked, sad, fell that she has not been honest with me. I have asked her about sex, she always promises me that she isn't like that. I do not know what to do? Do I take her to a doctor? Do I research her family history? Is something wrong with her? I am at a lost for words, which is not norma for me. Please any advise that I can get!!!!

Gin's picture

Reading this helps me in knowing I am not alone with all the issues of being a stepmother. I often feel like I am alone out there and do not know what to do.

My stepdaughter is 10 and most of the time she acts like she is 2. Many times she is violent and has tried to hurt me. She has gone as far as putting nails in front of me when I had no shoes on to trying to break my arm after shoulder surgery.

My husband has full custody of his daughter, and her bio mother has little to do with her, as she is usually just thinking about herself and nobody else. She tells her daughter she cant have her full time because she has to work and she want to spend time with her boyfriend.

I have to take care of my stepdaughter full time, take her to school, do homework with her, feed her, make sure she takes a shower etc. etc. etc. I am told by bio mom I am not to displine her daughter, and when there are problems (everyday) my stepdaughter calls her mother and she tells her she does not have to listen to me and to go out and play and ignore me.

My husband tries to help when he comes home from work, he tried talking to his daugher, he has displined her and nothing works.

I feel bad to say this but I have feelings of Hate now for my stepdaughter. We have been togeather for 3 years now and it is only getting worse not better. I do not believe there is a thing we have not tried to fix things.

I finally told my husband he has to talk to his ex and tell her she needs to start being a mom and take her daughter two weeks and we will keep her for two weeks. I knwo she will not go for this, as this would interfer with her time, but I am at the end of my rope, but refuse to let his daughter destroy our marriage.

Any help out there as what to do???

samantha's picture

Love i know where you are coming from. my partners 4 year old is a total bitch. i am currently pregnant with my partners second child and when she is around me with my partner their she touches my belly gentle to feel the baby but when hes not looking she tries to hurt it. My partner has no respect for me at all when he's daughter is around and treats me like im out of place in front of her(keep in mind we are about to have a baby together). He doesn't talk about the baby around her and since i have done the nursery up, every time she is down he puts her things in the baby's room as if too say it's hers. my partners 4yr old destroys the baby's things shes not aloud to touch just because she can't have them. My best friend won't bring her son over to my house when she is down because last time she came over my partners daughter slammed a door into hes head and he had a mild concussion and bruising. My best friends child is only eight months old. She is ruining our relationship and i don't feel me and my partner will be together when the baby comes, because i'm scared for my baby's safety.

livnletlv's picture

Please get out before this child kills you! Do not martyr yourself to raise a child that is dangerous to you--IT'S NOT WORTH IT!

Susan's picture

I have been married to my husband for 16 years. After 4 years of professional therapy, my relationship with my 24 year old stepdaughter is pitiful. The truth is I never encountered a more tragic relationship. My husband had only visitation in the summers, THANK GOD. This KID DID EVERYTHING IN HER POWER, whether true or not,to ruin our marriage. After almost 9 years I made the right decision of not allowing her back in our home. Until she was 18 he used all his vacation time to visit her(out of state), with my blessing. I am guilt free and happy w/o her manipulation and spiteful rages. I feel sorry for the poor soul that marries her.

Netta's picture

I'm reading the emails from all of you and it's very helpful to feel less alone. Before becoming a step-parent almost 2 years ago, I would not have believed that being completely ignored, treated as though I didn't exist, could be so painful and imbolizing. Like Jill and others have written, it's especially hard when one's husband is his daughter's best friend. She has primitive psychological defenses, trauma from invasive medical procedures as a young child, and her father has great difficulty changing his parenting style to reflect her development into the 17 year old "A" student that she is. This kid completely runs the show. She has few friends, prefers hanging out with Dad, and knows exactly how to get him to cave in when it comes to upholding basic expectations of her (washing her dishes, putting her things away, acknowledging my existence). When he confronts her and goes to the mat with her, which he occasionally does, she abandons her stonewalling stance and rages at him. When he still doesn't cave in, she's invariably better behaved (at least toward him) the next day, but it's tough for him. He can't stand the feeling of hostility in the air when he confronts her and requires that she do something that's expected of her. The silent tension lingers, then he's in there, finding a way to connect with her ("Hey, your art project was great, do you like how it turned out?"), to make sure she knows he still loves her. It's maddening. Most maddening of all is this silent treatment. Dinnertime is a special agony, when we eat together. It's "Dad this, Dad that," engaging him in discussion about her homework assignments, etc., eye contact with him and him only. She ignores any input I give, and if I ask a question, she either ignores that or responds to her father. I've tried being present and helpful for the 2 years I've been in her life, gentle confrontation and inviting her to share how she feels with me, imagining aloud that it must be very tough for her to deal with me being there, more assertive confrontation and requiring that she respond to "good morning" type exchanges, commenting upon the silent-treatment process and how uncomfortable it feels, and, sometimes, deciding that this contemptuous refusal of hers to acknowledge me is unfixable, just going about my business and ignoring her back. What a way to live. Her father is on board with me about needing things to change but keeps allowing it to go on. It's gotten to the point where I'm overly reactive to every one of his little daughter-aligned blunders (clearing the table of her things for her when I've asked her to do it) and every non-acknowledgment of me from her. It's so horrible to see myself turning into this spiteful silently-seething wretch of a person. Sometimes it can feel like I've regressed into being a sibling of hers, eager to point out to "Dad" everything she's done wrong. My choices seem to be either "witch" or "spineless wimp."
I'd love to hear how some of you respond to the silent, "you-don't-exist" treatment from step-daughters, meaning things that you do yourselves and/or things that you and your partners have done together to combat the problem.
Netta

Anonymous's picture

OMG, I cannot tell you what it means to read your posts here. In some aspects, i feel like i am reading my own story. I am not married to this childs father, but we all live together. Things were fine at first, when she was able to "use" me to take her places, drive her all over, listen to her complaining about her father. Then came the day that she stole my car. She did not yet have her license and somehow felt this would be ok. She had done it numerous times until the night we caught her. She has not spoken to me since (6 months), like I am the one who did HER wrong. Her father did not punish her, in fact "rewarded" her by spending a whole lot of extra time with her and taking her places to keep her away from me since I was angry. Huh? I had a right to be angry. She manipulates and lies to this man daily. Everything out of her mouth is a lie and he continues to spoil her. When it came time to get her driver's license, he drove her straight from the DPS to the car dealer and spent almost 13,000 bucks on a car for her. She flirts with him and acts like she is his girl friend. She repeatedly wants to kiss him on the mouth, especially when i am present. She hangs on him and rubs on him as a girl friend would do. He is beginning to see some of this crap, but refuses to deal with it. WHen he gets angry with her and "grounds" her, he is making up to her the very next day because he feels guilty. He too tells her everything. He shares all of his adult relationship issues with her and looks to her for emotional support. This is just plain sick and twisted in my mind. Hes a great guy, but is more worried about being a friend than a parent. It makes me crazy to see how she lies to him and uses him on a daily basis and my hands are tied. He does not want to hear anything against her. ANY input from ya'll is more than appreciated.

Anonymous's picture

Thank you "fearless" for your quick response. I cannot tell all of you enough what it means to find others who are experiencing the same issues. I have been struggling with this for months with no one to talk to who has experienced it.

I agree with everything you said and much of what you said, I have said to myself. I am not sure at this point how much more i am willing to tolerate. I know i do not want this dysfunction for the rest of my life. Some of what was causing problems for us for several months, I think he has gotten a handle on has his behavior has changed in those areas. Such as when we would go out, SD would constantly text message him, for the sole purpose of interupting us. One night we went to a concert, he text messaged her thru the whole thing and when i got upset, he quit talking to me, messaged her even more. When we got home, he dropped me off, had made arrangements with her to be home when we got there, (midnight) and the TWO OF THEM took off to go get a bite to eat. He shared our entire evening with her and i know he did because i heard her laughing about it to another 16 yr old. He does not text her anymore when we are together.

He does put our relationship on the back burner and that bothers me. He is real unapproachable on the issue of the little princess, but i have been able to get a few points across a little at a time. I just dont know how much longer i can keep my mouth shut. Most days i want to explode and when she pulls her flirting, little baby girl act,,,,interupting our conversations, walking into the bedroom without knocking.....anything she can do to make her presence known, i just wanna shake the crap out of her!!! Unfortunately, counseling is not an option for he and I at this point, but i welcome it for myself and have sought out somewhere to go. He does not agree with counseling for any reason and is very defensive about his "parenting" technigues. He is very bitter about being a single father the last 9 yrs and does not want to hear that he may be screwing up with the one we are dealing with. She knows no boundaries, has no respect for anyone, lies to him ALL the time about everything, and i mean EVERYTHING, has no respect for his "rules", although he has a problem enforcing them without feeling "guilty". I have never seen anything like it.

Anyway, I have rambled enough for tonight. Thank you so much for listening and i value any and all input.

"hangin in there"

Mlena's picture

I am sooo sorry for you. This is the most sick example that I've read or heard and it can only get worse if you all do not get consuling. If he refuses to get help. Don't walk away RUN!!!!!

Understand's picture

Boy, do I relate to what you are saying. My stepdaughter was 17 when her dad and I married after a whirlwind romance. SD's mom died when she was 10 and is very angry at the world and expected her dad to remain single until she left the house. She hates me for it to this day. SD is now 23 and lives on her own...sort of. She worked job to job until she came back from Ireland. Took expensive vacation to Ireland for a month. Ran out of money and we sent more, returns to no job and roommate moved out. SD is working first full-time job and first paycheck hasn't come in yet.

From the moment I moved in as spouse and step-mom, SD pretended I didn't exist and acted exactly the same as your SD. I took it for two years until she graduated. She yelled one too many times, screamed one too many times, slammed one too many doors and refused to do chores one too many times. I finally told her to move out and leave the key. I also told my husband that I loved him and wanted a relationship with SD but would no longer tolerate her disrespecting me. I help put food on her plate, shelter over her head and a car to drive and even help pay her car insurance, which she rarely made. A few months later, SD wanted to move back as new roommates kicked her out for being lazy and not paying bills. I demanded she show me respect or she would not move in. She upheld her promise the entire time she was in the house. A few months later she moved out with a new set of friends.
SD is now 23. She demolished the car we bought for her and has no car and doesn't want one. Even though there is a washer and dryer at her apartment (rent paid up till end of month and gets paid before then) she uses our home to do her laundry. She never offers to bring own detergent, never offers to pay for gas when we pick her up and drop her off and shows no sign of wanting to be an adult. SD is typical "daddy's little girl". I told SD doing laundry at our home would not become a habit and she needed to learn to take care of herself and realize we are the ones paying utilities, water, detergent and gas to pick her up and take her back home. SD told my husband and he is mad at me now. All my friends say the same thing. SD is too old to be acting in this manner. SD needs to grow up and daddy needs to make her. Daddy needs to learn the word "NO".

hopeful's picture

I can't recommend counselling for this enough! Dad needs to appreciate the impact of his behaviour on daughter and your relationship with him. He will not appreciate this from you, it has to come from a third party. The counsellor has helped us to appreciate what needs to happen in these situations. Some of this behaviour is classified as abusive behaviour and individual counselling helped me to establish some boundaries and to understand what I would and would not tolerate. After a while you begin to wonder if you are going crazy with everything that happens....at least I did. Take control of the aspects of your life that you can control...your response is one. Not getting a reaction related to her behaviour may make an impact. Find a way to cope that works for you....I did and I am much, much happier! Good luck...thinking of you with fingers crossed!

Netta's picture

It was good to read your input, hopeful. Not sure if it was directed to me (I posted the "Hateful Feelings" one on 9/12); I'm new at this site.
I agree with you about counselling / therapy. I do feel hungry, though, to hear feedback from others facing the same kind of step-family dynamics (especially the part about teen step-child's resolutely ignoring step-parent, biological parent's enabling of adolescent's refusal to acknowledge step-parent's existence). I'm curious about your process in setting boundaries and coming to a determination about what you would and would not tolerate.
For myself, this has been very tough. I've gone the whole gamut: sometimes I'm assertive and putting out expectations, requiring responses to social pleasanteries (like pushing on her silence and insisting that she acknowledge me if I ask her a question or say "'morning" back to me when I greet her at breakfast time). Sometimes, when I'm exhausted from pushing--like pushing on a wall of ice--I go back to making peace with her hating my guts, remind myself that it makes sense that she hates my guts (even though it's not an excuse to be rude and refuse any acknowledgment), and just stop acknowledging her back. I sit at the table at dinner, for example, listen to her prattle away to her father, make no attempts at eye contact from her, just do my own thing and leave the room afterward. I go through phases.
This kid seems not the least interested in a reaction, positive or negative. She simply wants to be free from obligation to speak to or acknowledge anyone at any time and free to monopolize the attention of anyone she wants to interact with.
At any rate, I'd love to hear anything you'd like to share about establishing boundaries, understanding what you will and won't tolerate, taking control of what you can control. (If others have input, I'd welcome that as well.)
I currently have my husband's collaboration in working on the issue--just basic behavioral modification stuff--but we've had no progress yet in terms of this alienation from her.
Thanks to everyone who posts their story here, including how unpleasant it can get, how ugly it feels inside, and the discovery and practice of coping strategies to get through it.
Netta (step-mother)

hopeful's picture

The first thing to assure yourself of is that you will get through each of the challenges associated with step parenting. Every obstacle is a learning experience...about the situation and about myself.

For me, I had to decide what I was prepared to live with, what I wanted my life to look like and changing my perspective on things. Although I am sure that is very stressful when your SD ignores you, do what feels comfortable to you at that time. The energy that you want to expend on pushing this relationship a bit probably varies from day to day...that is okay. Decide what your goal is with this young lady...what are your expectations....are they realistic? Your SD may never truly acknowledge your presence in her life. You will never be able to control that. Even if you could force her to be nice to you, if it didn't come from her heart, would it feel any better? Take your time...your husband is willing to work with you on this....that is a BIG BONUS and definitely a plus for your relationship. My husband wasn't so supportive initially. Speak to a counsellor about dealing with the issues at hand. I found that a third party was really helpful in getting us to sort through our life mess! You can do this and years from now, it will be very worth it! Take care.

Netta's picture

Hi Hopeful, and thanks very much for your Fri night email.
I very much appreciate the reminder to do what feels comfortable at the time, notice the normalcy of varying levels of energy expenditure, and set realistic goals with SD. Today is one of those days when I feel like going with what comes easier to me: letting it go when she ignores me, rather than pushing, and trying to disengage from it emotionally.
I certainly do agree with you about counseling; I think we'd all be a lot better off if we spent as much time in therapy as we do at the gym. Or in front of the tv. Anyway, yes, I continue working with a therapist on these things, and it helps a great deal. My husband's willingness to work on changing his parenting style and getting past his own fears about setting limits with his daughter is the direct result of his individual and our couple's therapy.
Hope things are going well for you, and thanks again,
Netta

Rhianna's picture

Anonymous, your situation mirrors mine so closely that I had to reply. I also have a stepdaughter who pretends that I don't exist. My husband spoils her, talks to her in baby talk (she's 17), and takes her side about everything. In fact, I have realized that he has intentionally tried to block my relationship with my SD. I've spoken to a counselor who said that he is doing his daughter a disservice by letting her be "the little princess" and giving her the power in our home. I have shared this with my husband, but nothing has changed. He lets her come and go as she pleases, he has never told her "no" about anything, and although he sometimes shares worries about her with me, such as recently thinking that she didn't come home one night, he never brings it up with her. (That I know of, but then again they do their talking quietly, behind closed doors, since he does not want me to be a part of her life). She is never punished for anything, even when she stole my daughters clothes.

I have learned to deal with this situation by keeping my mouth shut. She ignores me, I ignore her. I no longer make a big deal about her birthday, although I planned the party, bought the cake, and went along with all the stuff my husband bought her. I try to keep my sanity by remembering that I love my husband, I want to remain married, and that she will be leaving some day. I also try to remember that I am the adult, and although I know that this girl would love to ruin my marriage, I remain a responsible step-parent by being friendly when she chooses to speak to me, and showing up when she has an emergency and calls me instead of her parents. She's very good at using my good will when she chooses.

But I am concerned that your SD flirts with her father and that he does nothing to stop it. I don't think this is normal behavior on either of their parts. I feel that you MUST see a counselor--take the husband and girl with you if possible--who can hopefully help your husband to understand that he is hurting his daughter by allowing her to behave in this manner. Like someone else said on this site, this could be considered abusive behavior and it is in no way healthy.

Good luck!

KC's picture

I am in exactly the same situation as you are. My SD is 17 as well and has probably never heard the word no. She lives with my husband and me. I feel like it isn't my house. It is like I am a visitor. Constantly cleaning and cooking. I am so tired of it. I told my husband the other night that I refuse to clean after her anymore and that I am not a maid. He agreed but said nothing to her. I think he too feels guilty because SD had to grow up with a worthless mother and wants life for her to be as easy as possilbe. I don't know what to do. She will not clean her room, constantly having friends over, loud and immature. She doesn't help or even offer to help me with anything but, like you when she needs something she asks me. I have decided that I am not going to do anything special for her such as taking her shopping. I don't know what to do and am so tired of being pissed off about it.

Thanks and any advice is appreciated.

Anonymous's picture

Hi Rhianna and thank you for your response. This site is wonderful, isn't it? I am not happy for you and that you are going thru the same thing that I am, but I am happy to have found people who truly understand because they are living it too. I could not agree with you more in that we all need a good therapist. I know he won't go as he can't stand criticism or being told he may be doing something wrong when it comes to this child. He has another daughter who is two yrs older and he has latched onto the younger one, from what i can see, because the older one moved out a couple yrs ago to go live with bio mom. I can't blame her. I was not in the picture at that time, but if this is the way things were when she lived in the home, i can understand why she left. The two girls do not talk to each other and i blame the younger one for that. She has "loyalities" to her father and makes it more than obvious to him so that she can continue to win his affections and get whatever she wants from him. It is sickening yet so very sad to watch this. That girl will never be able to have a healthy relationship in her adult life as the only thing she knows is lies and manipulations. She too would like nothing more than to have me out of the picture, but i am not going anywhere. Not for the moment anyway. Her father and I are not married, but we all live together. She knew early on that I was on to her game, and i am convinced that that is why she does not speak to me. I am a threat to her. I have confronted her on lies so now she cannot "trust" me. Her father is a very smart man and can tell a liar a mile away....except when it is his little princess. He has come a long way in the last couple months, as he has caught her himself in several lies. I can see he is hesitant with her now, but still coddles her and pretends to believe her. He does not discipline her as he does not want her mad at him. It's nuts. She too has the run of the house. She comes and goes as she pleases,,,,,never asks permission, she just TELLS him what shes doing. Hell, HE asks HER what time she is coming home. It reminds me of a roommate situation more than father/daughter.

The flirting..........i know is totally wierd, disgusting, unhealthy, etc. As women, we see things that men don't see. He has seen some of it and admitted it,,,and some of his behavior has changed regarding this issue. But like you said, he needs to hear it from someone other than me. There is something called "emotional Incest" that I have read alot about. It's not as uncommon as one would think, but it is characterized as abuse. It occurs when one parent, after divorce, takes on the child as a "partner" by sharing adult issues with them and looking to them for emotional support, much like you would look for in a romantic relationship. THe parent lacks support, for whatever reason, from peers and friends so the child takes on the role as partner and eventually feels responsible for the parents emotional well-being. This does render awful life long effects on the child when trying to form their own adult relationships. There is some interesting read about this topic on the internet and I am getting closer to being able to approach this topic with my SO. I too am counting the days when she leaves the home. I know its awful to say it and I feel awful feeling it, but I cannot stand to have her around anymore. She just does not quit the games....it is constant competition for her with me. I ignore her for the most part and have let her know in no uncertain terms that she is not in charge of my relationship with her father. Thing is, none of this should be happening in the first place. SHe needs to have her own life outside of her father's and it is his "job" to make sure she does.

Thanks again for your input. I would like to hear more of your situation whenever you are comfortable in sharing it.

"hangin in there"

Mlena's picture

Wow, thanks. You gave me the words that were in my mind but I could not articulate. "EMOTIONAL INCEST".

TaffyBarnel's picture

I've been a step-parent to SD for almost 7 years now, she was six when we got married, and now is 13. She has already lost her virginity, (found out by monitoring her myspace and emails) and recently found a saved email between her best friend that indicates she would be willing to have oral sex with her boyfriend. I'm really freaking out about all of this, and my husband seems paralyzed and shocked about it all. About a year ago, I noticed she was listening to some VERY inappropriate music on the radio and my husband and I both agreed that she WOULD NOT listen to that inapporpriate stuff in our cars, or our house, and she wouldn't have it on her computer. Need-less-to-say he wasn't willing to set FIRM boundaries and she is STILL listening to this misogynist music. It is SO denegrating towards women I can't believe it's actually legal to play this stuff on the radio, but more then once I've heard it. I feel like if we would have put our foot down a year ago and made SUPER firm boundaries regarding this music, we wouldn't be in the situation we are in. Maybe that's silly to think that it's that simple and it probably is, but other boundaries that I insist on is having the myspace account monitored closely - but my husband doesn't seem like he completely agrees with this. I recently looked at her myspace profile, and it is VERY gang oriented, she has hate slogans on there about me, such as: 'the worse thing I ever did was let my dad marry Taffy' and 'the person I'd most like to kill is Taffy' and 'I wish Taffy were dead'. This REALLY bothers me, I want my husband to make her delete the account permanently and block her internet access altogher.

I should also add, that since I read her profile, I don't sleep very well at night, I'm concerned for my other children's safety (I have four other children a 10 year old son, a 6 year old daughter and twin one year olds) My 6 year old and twins are my current husbands, we have a blended family and it's really been tough with Diana the step-daughter with so much hate towards me. I've tried to reach out to her so many times in the past and I've insisted on closely monitoring her activities, because I know she plays her father and uses his love to get away with things. Now I find out at age 12 she was contemplating oral sex and at the tender age of 13 she is sexually active. I'm shocked and appalled. I've given her so many sex education books and have tried to talk to her tenderely about how sacred and special sexual activity is and should be reserved for the one you think you want to be with forever.

When she started menstrating she was mortified and would hardly even talk about it, I tried to tell her it's perfectly normal, but she was so abhorred by the whole idea and didn't even want to acknowledge it. When she got a boyfriend I ask her if he'd ever kissed her, and she said yes, and I asked if he tried to 'french' kiss her and she said 'oh that's disgusting!' so based on that I thought the whole idea of sex to her was revolting. Now I find out she is sexually active, was even bragging to all her friends on myspace that she accidently got locked in our room when she went in there to steal some condoms. Little does she know that my husband got fixed and those condoms could easily be years old and are probably not all that safe.

Please don't think we have been so lax in our care of her that we have allowed these things to happen. We insist on talking to the parents of whoever she spends time with and verifying any plans they have. We did this the night she lost her virginity. Her friend Deanna's mom was taking them to a football game, and we talked on the phone. She said she would personally drop them off, tell them to stay together and then pick them up when it was over. Obviously this was not the right thing to do, we know now. We (husband and other kids went to the Y to swim) and while they were at the football game she and her boyfriend snuck back to our house and had sex while we were at the Y. Then they returned to the football game and Deanna's mom picked her up with Deanna.

I think what it really boils down to is that Diana has a super low self esteem and she doesn't really care that much for herself so she obviously doesn't care if she breaks rules. But... I am still afraid for myself and my other children based on her implied threats on her myspace. I believe she has low self esteem because she also cuts herself, which is pretty recent as well. Maybe something happened to her that I don't know about. We are taking her to counseling, but we set that up because of her open animosity towards the twins, but we also found out she was cutting herself.

The cutting I think is to get her Dad's attention, but he is so burned out from his last marriage because HIS step-daughter used to threaten suicide ALL the time and use this as a weapon to get her way. I think Diana's exposure to Claire and everything Claire did is contributing to her behavior, she was with Clair for 5.5 years of her early life and Claire was REALLY messed up. It's interesting that diana is acting exactly like what my husband tells me that Claire acted like when Diana was young - hated her, wanted her dead and my husband felt like he had to protect Diana from Claire. Could this behavior be bringing this trauma up again for Diana? I frequently feel like I have to protect the twins from her, even just her nasty hateful attitude towards them. I don't even want them around her, because I don't want them picking up that negative energy.

Anyway I better shut-up for now and try to get some sleep. We are going to church in the morning and I have to get some rest, I have trouble sleeping these days, becasue I never know if Diana is going to snap and do something to me or my babies. That is really quite sad that I have to live like this, it's pathetic actually.

Oh yeah I need to add that Diana going to live with her bio mom is not really an option, as bio mom has a psychotic disorder that renders her uncapable of caring for a child. Unfortunately that is not one of my options and tends to trap my husband in feelings of guilt and sorrow for Diana - 'poor Diana has a mom with Schizoaffective Disorder... and she doesn't really have an emotional connection with her...'

Any constructive comments are welcome. Please don't make me feel worse then I already do, I know I've made mistakes, but I truly am doing the best I can as a step-parent to someone who tells me "I f---ing hate you!" AND acts like it ALL the time.

Thanks for letting me vent and wear myself out so I can sleep

Taffy

Lauren973's picture

It is very common for the children of parents with psychiatric disorders to also either have psychiatric disorders themselves or display syndrom's and symptoms thereof. Sometimes it is because of the gentic information passed on and at other times it is because of modeling behaviors.
Puberty is the usual onset of psych disorders, and what history contained will often come back to haunt you when the child reaches 13-14 years old. Keep in mind that her father married her mother for some reason despite her own disorders. Often this is based on a co-dependency which doesn't just go away on it's own even if it goes underground. His relationship with his now disfunctional daughter may be providing him with something that he needs, thus reproducing the dynamic he had with his ex-wife.
Cutting is a primary sign of Borderline Personality Disorder. Permiscuous behaviors as well. Obviously there is a need for therapy in this setting, and frankly medication as well if she is still cutting. You'd be well advised to read the literature if you haven't already. Then, ask your husband to read it. It may take time for him to see, but she is still young, these behaviors tend to get worse in later teen years.
If you feel that your own birth children are in danger, you have a moral responsibility to remove them from the danger by either not allowing them to be near her or by leaving the relationship which protects her.
just my two cents. I'm sorry to hear of your troubles - these are my greatest fears when SD grows up as her mother is NPD with OCD and Bi-Polar tendencies. She is ive and seems to have developed an eating disorder. She also pulls hairs out on her arms, legs, fingers, toes and eyebrows. We can't get her mother to agree to a therapist.

Justin's picture

Hi Taffy,

If it is any consolation you are not alone here. I am Step Father to a 15 year old and I too can't stand the sight of her and am counting the days until she leaves home. I have had to deal with all of the under age age sex and being spoken too like a piece of dirt.

The only thing that keeps me in the marriage is that my Wife and I have a 6 yr old daughter and to be honest I would be unable to leave her.

All I can suggest is to stick with it and just think to yourself that one day you can buy a suitcase for her b'day and wave her goodbye!

That's what I have planned for mine Smile

PS - If anyone now tells me they are planning on marrying someone who already has Children. I tell them to run for the hills

Fustrated Step Mom's picture

I re-married after a ugly divorce from my two daughters Dad. I thought my husband and his kids were great at first and my kids an his go along until we got married 3 years ago.

We started out with my two daughters and his daughter living with us before we got married, then the closer it came to us getting married his daughter started causing problems and started rummors at school that ruined my daughters rep at school and in turn made her lose all her friends. (my husband daughter an my oldest are withing a few months of each other in age). Then two weeks prior to us getting married my husband daughter Lani started cutting herself and then got in a fight with my oldest Maryann and tried to cut her with the knife. Well needless to say I got very upset and wanted her out of the house, so she went to live with her Mom.

Lani even out of the house would try and do what ever she could to cause trouble for us, at our wedding which I really didn't want her to come to started LAUGHing very loud right in the middle of our ceremony. I just about walked out and now I look back 3 years later, maybe I should have.

She knows no boundaries, has no respect for anyone, lies to him ALL the time about everything, and i mean EVERYTHING, has no respect for his "rules", although he has a problem enforcing them, I have never seen anything like her in my life.

The biggest problem started a year ago when her rich Uncle said he buy her a car. Then when it came time to buy her the car her Uncle said he wouldn't buy it unless we chipped in $1500. I talked with my husband and we couldn't afford it, plus with all the rotten things she has done to me, my daughter and the constant lying to her Dad I didn't feel she deserved it. Her Uncle kept putting it off then it was on then it was off for over a year, then in Oct this year he decides he's going to get her a car and has my husband make all the arrangements, picking out the car getting info to him and setting up a time to look at it an purchase it. Well that day came and my husband calls me up on the phone and tell me he has to put in $1500 towards her car or her Uncle won't buy it for her. I told him NO and he said he has to because he promised (without my consent or knowledge) and he doesn't want to disappoint Lani because she been disappointed all her life. This made me so ANGRY I yelled and screamed at him for over 1 hour, then I won't talk to him for several days.

Now to the issue at hand after giving you a little back ground. My husband contantly complains to me and rags on my daughter daily. He complains about how much she eats, drinking his juice to sitting in his new computer chair, to using the phone by his computer. He has forbidden her from sitting in his chair and has forbidden her from using the phone by the computer. He complains to me daily and wants me to enforce her not to drink his juice, don't eat this or that, don't sit in his chair, don't use the phone by the computer and rides her daily calling her fat, lazy and really gets on her when I complain about Lani.

I don't know if I was able to give you a true picture of what going on, but from what I've read on this site you've all been dealing with alot of my same issues.

Anonymous's picture

Oh My,
Me too, I am feeling so guilty, almost coming so close to hating her that I can't stand it anymore. I want her to leave now, but unfortunately I have to wait till she graduates in May. I am counting down the days. That is why she came here because she was cutting school EVERY day in Fresno,Calif where her mom lives.

She is so immature, has her dad trying to be her FRIEND.....excuse me.....FRIEND..... Why, she has become more of a friend to her than me myself!! My husband said "you actually believe that"? All I know is I'm made to feel it. I just can't stand her. She's a liar, a drinker, smokes pot, constantly negative, saying "I hate her", "she's so fat" !! or, her hair is ugly.....constant negative!!!
I told her last time how this is affecting me, that I used to be a pretty positive person, and if she chooses to use the negative hate words over stupid immature things like hair, fat, or whatever, then go to her room. I won't let her get on my computer for her little sickening My Space stuff. THAT WEBSITE IS TERRIBLE !!!, or our teenagers are terrible. WHAT IS GOING ON? I can't believe the music, the disrespect, the cussing, the disrespect to themselves!!

I'm sorry, haven't really said much, just venting. Anyway, I'm done for now, I'm just counting the days, praying that she leaves and I hardly have any hope left for her, but I'm seriously trying to care.

Thanks all for listening.
Beth

Frustrated StepMomto3's picture

I must say for the last two years, so much of what most of
you stepMoms are saying is true. For me too. I was the bad
guy because I caught my sweet stepDaughter lying and trying
to manipulate 4 or 5 of her friends into hating another friend
in their group.

Negative talk, you bet! She doesn't have a nice word to say
about anyone unless THEY GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS. So you can
well imagine I am not a LIKED person.

It is okay. Her time is limited with us in the next 6 months.
She cost us $$$$$ thousands of dollars for a lawyer to help
fight to keep the kids in our home. The oldest stepdaughter
decided she needed to spend half of her time at her mother's
home. Well it had been an on-going battle for over a year and
it has now cost us $3,500.00 in court fees for our lawyer. The
bottom line, she got what she wanted. She is now spending half
of her time left at her mother's house over 20 miles away and
commutes to her friends house to get back and forth to school.

You didn't really think I get back up and support from a husband
that acts as selfish and controlling as his daughter did you? I
don't think so. The majority of the time it is a HUGE argument
and fight between he and I. Why? I don't go along with every-
thing they go along with. I am the bad guy. I am not passive
and I am not aggressive. I have a mind of my own and I won't
be bullied into doing things THEIR way.

I can see that it has taken a toll on our marriage. We have
another stepDaughter (her sister) and have another 4 years of
dealing with the SAME or similar issues. Will our marriage
survive? Hard to say. I cannot imagine taking a back seat
for almost 5 more years while he likes being their friend more
than their PARENT.

What would I know. I am only a stepMother. I guess the real
mother can walk away from her children and their day to day care
and abandon them for her AFFAIR and then marry him. Stay out of
her childrens day to day lives and overnight visits for two years.
Go out of work and not support her children and go about $5,000.00
in average on child support, and finally after 5 years want to
spend time with them now. I guess she is LIKED because
after all these years, she is the mother. I cannot imagine
how a child would feel love and security from a person that was
not bothered with their needs or caring for them other than
a few weekends a month and a few vacations for almost 10 years.

StepMomto3

connie's picture

I am a social worker who is currently dealing with similar issues only my husband is the step parent. My daughter has never been as disrespectful to anyone as she has been this past year to my husband. Her father is not in the picture but we are struggling to find out the root cause of her defiance. We are supportive of each other and although no amount of discipline has cured the behavior we have set guidelines for what is appropriate. She is required to do five minutes of quite time (no talking no matter where we are) and we can, will and have embarrassed her in public. My suggestion to the e-mails I have read is simple:
Do not allow your children to interfere with your marriage/relationship-if the children are getting between you and your spouse then you need to go talk to someone before it escalates into something greater. When you choose to be in a relationship it is a union between two people. STAND YOUR GROUND and set rules that the children must follow and make sure you two support each other. A house divided can not stand!
I have stripped my daughter’s room of everything-the bed is on the floor and she has a weeks worth of clothes, she has no privileges what so ever and will not until she learns to be respectful. Parents are required to provide a roof over their heads, clothes, food and ensure they go to school. Children do not need anything else unless they earn it!

When pigs fly!'s picture

Good for you!!! It nice to see the birth parent sticking up for the step parent. I would be like you. Strip them of everything except the basics. They would have to earn it back.

Anonymous's picture

Wow, I know how many of you feel. My wife and I have a seven year old son and she has a 15 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We have been married for over ten years. It has reached the point where her daughter is dictating the terms of how we live. I have always tried to treat her with respect, do anything that she might ask of me, try to include her and I have only gotten resentment. It is clear that she resents her mother for marrying me. I have become resentful myself because my wife has stop having a relationship with me. In someways I can understand that she needs to to for her daughter but she needs to make sure there are boundaries and consequences. I have alway loved my wife but it has reached the point where she has given her daughter a great deal of power over our relationship. I know the guilt around the previous relationship affected her ability here. I wish there was someway that we could get on the same page and do the right thing for both of our children.

I know exactly where you are coming from, last writer.

Very frustrated .....

Anonymous's picture

I have been married to his dad since he was 5. In that time he has made it clear to me that he doesn't like me, he is very much a momma's boy (thank God he lives with her!). He has no need for me in his life, therefore, treats me like I'm nobody. His mom is a total B**** to his dad, but his dad fears confrontation so he does nothing. His dad does everything to make him feel welcome in our home during visitation, but because of the way I am treated I can no longer do the same. I avoid him while he visits, and the whole weekend feels wasted, then it's back to work. At age 17 shouldn't he have a job and become more independent? My daughter got her license, a Job and a car at age 16. He applied for a job at McDonald's and didn't get it because he told them he couldn't work weekends. That is because he comes to our house at watches tv and plays video games, so of course he's too busy to work. Would it be unfair for me to have my husband tell him that when he turns 18, no more sleep overs? Another problem with having him over is his hygiene or should I say lack of. From the time he was little he refused to wash his hands as a way of being defiant, still does it. It's pretty gross to think about all the things he touches after using the bathroom, doorknobs, remote controls, cupboard handles, refrigerator handle, bread, lunchmeat, light switches and on and on... someone always gets sick after he visits. I have become a germaphobe! I think he comes over more to annoy me than to see his dad. He spends more time in his room with the tv and video games then hanging out with dad. Even if I hang out in another room, to rule out that he is avoiding me, they are not spending time together. I think he should get a job, buy a car and be prepared for when highschool ends. His mom has already complained about his laziness and wants him to move out after highschool. I think she created this monster and will be stuck with him because he sure isn't going to live with us!

Anonymous's picture

I have been step mom to 2 girls for 7 years now. My better half in the past would never take my word unless one of his girls also backed it up. Now his youngest has told him I am attacking her and is affraid for him to leave her alone in my company. He now has told me I have no choice but to leave our home, He knows I have never lied to him, but says his girls say different form me and he has to protect them form me. In past they have many times told me they got rid of Dads old girlfriend and can get rid of me at any time. He says they now deny this. They have told there father many other things that are half truths or down right lies. I have always said that if they ever got on the same page, I was in serious trouble. My firends and family have told me from the beginging he was only useing me untill his youngest was about 16, and my money was gone. Then I would be out of there for a reason such as this. I have told him many times I have never lied to him. He can't deny it but says his girls will NOT allow me to come back home except to pack up and leave. His sister and her family, his ex and hers also are now on this band wagon. His girls tell him what they will allow, and if he does not do what they tell him, they threaten to leave. His oldest left after she turned 18 , a few months before graduation. He says now youngest at 16is threatening to leave and he isn't going to lose this daughter because of me as well. I was sent to visait my oldest son in Arz. for 1 month while he was to toake control of his youngest daughter...I told him with me not here they would have his ear and NEVER allow me back...but my car was left there to teach her to paralele park non the less....I ahev given up my job in a free clinic I loved, and the schooling that was to be paid for 7 years ago. I have been the stay at home MOm they never had. His sister and his ex have much to say about me and my faults but neither have givene up one thing to take care of these girls that are there daughter's and there brother's girls...they have both said they have there own lives to lead...so I raised them. Drove them to school, feild trips, ran them all over, spent almost $78,000. on them , there Dad and the home. Now I have nothing left and I am being told to leave before I escalte to more harmful acts aginst this youngest child. In early Dec. his oldest 22 now, called to let me know that she had told her step-dad and now me that this youngest daughter was playing there parents "like a fine tuned Monopoly game". Sence then the girls have gotten together and I am being sent away. My heart is broken. These have been my kids too for 7 years to. I have found no help for this. I feel lost, alone, betraded and hurt in a way I can't even begin to discribe. He is kicking me out because he isn't man enought to confront his girls when he knows they are not telling the truth...I am soon to be single and broke. So my daughter in law is taken me for fried ice cream so I don't fall apart once again. Any advice please. TY

Anonymous's picture

When I met my husband he was fighting for custody b/c his 12-year old daughter accused him of sexual abuse for 2 years. Here is what she wrote in the court: "he came to me in the night,...kissing my lips... rubbing my chest, putting his private to my private, and breathing hardly.....he started moving very fast on top of me... Later on, she was checked by doctor said she still a virgin, then she and her mom accused him of anode rape.
Now, he gets full custody, b/c he clean his name in the court.
I am glad he can prove that he is not a child molester. BUT, I hate to live with his daughter. Because she makes me sick for those sexual fantasy toward him. Now, she acts like his ex-wife at home; she wants to control the dish washer, laundry machine, kitchen....... she asked her dad to put kids first, to support her whatever she wants!!. She could run cell phone $800USD in 3 months, and still asked for more. She even want to do modeling training which cost $2500USD... My husband is broke b/c he spend all his money in court to fight for the title given by her and his ex- "child molester". He even asked me to have abortion b/c he needs lots of money to support his princess daughter.
She thought she is very pretty, and she really knows how to handle man, how to get what she whats!! She had learned what the best- her mother.
I am really sick of her, even she is only 14.
My husband still wants to keep her even she and his ex-wife trying really hard to get the custody back. She even dressed very sexy at home to seduce him. They hope this time they can really prove he is a child molester??
I can't face my husband now, and I feel very sorry for my newborn baby. I want my baby to have a really family, not around a psycho-B. I am really sick of her!! WHY and HOW a father and daughter relationship can be so sick!!!!
I can't even talk about this to my husband b/c it is a taboo here. I dreamed about they had sex...now I can't even kiss him or sleep next to him. THIS IS SO SICK!!

steptoateengirl's picture

That all sounds pretty disgusting. My advice: guard and protect that baby, and set the stage for the little monster to move out when she is 18. Less than 4 years to go. YOur baby will be only 4, and so in the meanwhile, you have to keep that child safe and emotionally healthy from negative influences. The first 4 years of a child's life are incredibly formative, so protect that child's psyche with everything you got, even if it means ignoring the monster 14 year old or taking your child on the longest walks away from the home known to mankind. The child should be at the park, on a walk or out with you, and if the little 14 year old monster is home, the child should be asleep or away from negative influences. Who knows, maybe the little brat will move away on her own before she is 15!

And remind your husband, he already screwed up raising the first one, so he should probably take your lead in raising the second one. You have to get his unconditional support in dealing with the newborn, and you have to remove yourself from the drama of the 14 year old for the sake of your marriage and your child!

Anonymous's picture

I can see I am not the only one with bad issues, sometimes you feel like you are.

I am remarried to a wonderful lady who means the world to me, we both have 1 daughter each, mine is 16, hers is 18. The level of hatred for me from the 18 year old is ripping us apart. My daughter loves her stepmum but her daughter wont do anything for anyone except herself and gives hateful nasty looks and goes around slamming doors.

Is it wrong to want to go on the offensive and do things to make her miserable like she is me ?

Anonymous's picture

I couldn't help but post here, just seems right...

I have raised my stepdaughters (14 and 16) for the last 13 years. Their father is a meth addict that pretty much abandoned them until he went through his trust fund and then came back around looking for them. He is currently living in a halfway house at some church.

I legally adopted the girls about 4-5 years ago. I love them and have tried to be the best father I can. This has been peppered with mistakes, but also with love. Somehow my wife has begun to forget the beautiful times and focus on the negative. She has been depressed (family genetic issue) and blames it on everything from MSG to me.

The 16 year old is hanging out with scummy kids that have piercings, are doing drugs, and listening to hardcore screaming music. My wife thinks they are "cute" and relishes in the fact that they say she is the "Coolest Mom around". I told my wife this is a bad sign.

The 14 year old has in the last 2 months gotten kicked out of her teachers assistant role in the 8th grade for cheating out of the teacher's book, ditched school with 4 boys and one girlfriend at a house that the boys were smoking weed at (we tested her negative).

Throughout the last 6 years or so, my wife has been interjecting whenever I discipline the children. She tells me off in front of them, to the point that everything goes haywire and the kids start arguing along When I tell them that C's/D's are not acceptable, my wife says that's the best they can do, right in front of them and allows them to be mediocre. THis has culminated in our daughters being lackluster about school and any activity they are involved in. I have been undermined in my authority and it shows. They dont respect their mother or me. My wife blames it on my parenting, yelling and angry outbursts. Many of these situations have arisen during my wife's interventions in my disciplining the children.

My wife was raised in poor conditions/trailer parks, with a mom that was a gogo dancer and part time prostitute, and her dad died of a heroin overdose. I came from a family with a heavy handed father that was very conservative and a sweet mom that was stay at home.

Things have been getting worse and worse as our 16 year old says she is moving out because I wont let her on myspace (One of her "friends" that my wife loves so much has been posting sick sexual references on her site and I pointed it out to her mom who says, oh they all talk like that) and I wont let her ride around in 16 year old's cars or go to house parties. THis has gotten me the label of overprotective and controlling. My wife has backed this up with the kids in no uncertain terms and let them know that she agrees.

I got a call from the 17 year old kid that was writing things about su*&ing black C&*k and ti**y f^&*^ing on her site. He was looking for her at home. I said, Have you gotten your sick and vulgar language on my daughter's site under control? He said, "I am trying." I flipped out. I said, well you better try real f&*&ing hard, because if I see that kind of shi* on her site from you again I am gonna SNAP. You got it? He said yes. Then I said, and you better keep this between us and not screw up our family by telling my wife or daughter about our conversation.

He did...

Last night my daughter was screaming at me in front of my 14 year old and I warned her 4 times to calm down and not talk to me like that. She screamed GET OUT OF MY ROOOOOM! Then went on to tell me that I was sneaky and a liar because I told this boy with the nasty mouth not to tell her or my wife we had talked (For just this reason).

I told her, "I have every right to do what I did and you will not talk to me like this". She said, "Be a man!" and I slapped her in the mouth. Been a long time coming with me emasculated by my wife for the last year or so. The nastiness and disrespect has been building steadily. I feel bad on one hand, but justified on the other.

I just want peace in my home and children that are well adjusted and respectful.

Who knows where it will go from here. Previous to this incident, I had made our 4th appointment (wife keeps making excuses why she cant go)for counseling.

Wish us luck, we are in a bad way.

Anonymous's picture

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. 10 horrible years when his family is around.
It started off about 9 years ago with his 17 yr old son standing in my foyer telling me, "F**k you, you f**king b*tch. You don't f**king tell me what to do!". I opened the door and told him to get out. He finally left after a few more comments similar to the previous. This wasn't the first time. Once the stepson left, I turned to my husband, who was sitting in his recliner. I went off on him. How dare he sit there and let his son talk to me like that. I told him he should have gotten up and put that SOB through the freakin wall! He told me that it looked like I handled it just fine. My point is...I should not have had to handle it! As a father, he should have stood up and stopped his kid's behavior! He didn't.
The good news about the son that is now 26 is that he is in the air force, married with 2 children. He hugged me after he was in the Air Force and said thank you. I asked for what? He said for saying no and meaning it. He said I was the only one that said what they meant and meant what they said.
My husband, like many on this list, is more interested in being a friend than being a parent.
His brothers have caused problems in our relationship, his ex-wife has started crap and his daughter. I am so sick of all of it. After 10 years I am sitting here and I am so ready to throw the towel in. Let them live in their own misery and let me get the heck out of it.
The latest is his 22 year old daughter. She recently had a baby with a convicted felon that is just starting his 8 years of probation. (Part of his probation is he is not allowed any alcohol or drugs). We learned my step daughter was snorting cocaine while she was pregnant. He was taking Xanax and drinks like a fish. (He is 21). She came over today to our house, told me I had no right to call her brother and tell her brother the cops found a drug pipe in her car (the boyfriend had the car while she was in the hospital having a baby). I told her as long as my stepson's kids were my grandchildren, I had every right. Her brother doesn't want the kids around anyone that is doing drugs. The stepdaughter went on to call me a b*tch. She went to walk past me and pushed me. I stepped closer to her and told her she did not call me a B*tch in my house. We had several more exchanges. She turned to her father and told him if he ever wanted to see her baby again he could call her. I told her if she wanted to see my husband again she could call me. She said he was my dad first. And I told her he selected me for his wife. He was stuck with her for a daughter. She seemed surprised to realize this. I am so sick of her behavior. I know I didn't exactly act the best today. But I have had it! I am tired of being a rug for her to wipe her feet on while she visits "daddy". By the way the only time she wants to see him is if she wants something.
While she was pregnant, her boyfriend got drunk and sliced his own neck. She told us he was jumped by a group of hispanics. I am sick of her lies.
We have also learned that she was snorting cocaine while she was pregnant.
I have dealt with the monster for 10 years. Eight years ago she molested my son. He was 9 at the time. I refused to let her in our house again until she was 18. Nothing but trouble since.
But the bottom line comes down to this. We are all having problems with the monster children because their "parents" are not doing their job. So they allow us to suffer. We allow ourself to suffer.
Well, after 10 years, I have had enough. Let the monster children have their father...I mean friend. I will take my 17 year old son, that by the way has never been in any trouble, graduated from high school a year early, has held a job since he was 16, and leave them to enjoy their misery.

Anonymous's picture

hi,
reading eveyones post has helped me realize that i am not the only one suffering. i have been with my husband for 3 and a half years, we live 250 miles from where his children and ex live and for the first 10 months that i was with him his children didn't speak to him, the only reason they did was because we went to his home town and i made sure that he didn't give up on them which he was ready to do, what a mistake that was and i should of let him just let go. he has 2 children a son and a girl and he just seems bothered about his girl.
i would tell you everything but you would be reading this for a month his ex is as bad as his daughter, both nasty, lying and very very selfish, when his children come and stay that is a total nightmare, his daughter lies to her father if i walk out of the room she will start a conversation with him but the minute i walk back in she shuts up, she writes nasty stuff in a book about me that my children found and then denied it to her dad, she lies about to his ex's family and me and my husband do nothing but argue, he don't see what she is doing and when i try to talk to him about her his exact words are " you deal with it she's doing it to you not me", the first christmas we had them he spent thousands on her and my youngest daughter got 1 present.
my husband moved into my house with my children and she tells me i have no right to be here and my children should not have anything to do with her dad, when we got married my husband didn't tell them about till after we done it b/c he knew she would mess up a brilliant day,
at first his son was great but now he's turning into his sister. every time they come down they both end up crying, my husband knows they don't really want to come down, and his daughter complains cos her dad don't spend loads of money and she claims that i have all his money but she was ok when her mum rang a few weeks ago and told my hubby that he has to get her new carpet and get it now b/c she cant wait for her live in b/f to get it. my husband says i cant except his kids i can except them i made him keep trying with them, what i can't except is the dis- respect, nastiness, them taking over my house treating me like i shouldn't be in my house,
my husband son is such a fussy eater he will only eat chicken nuggets and chips but if my children say they don't like something like tomato soup then they ain't aloud to eat beans or ketch up.
we have rules in my house that if you don't eat all you tea then you don't get sweet, but that rule don't apply to his children.
yes he does treat my children different to his children when they stay, my children are always in the wrong,
my children have chores to do before they go out with their mates but his kids do nothing just play game consoles, he never says NO to them,
he does everything for them yet my four year old has to tidy her room, even vacuum clean it, and he throws money at his daughter for a quite life,
sorry if its all jumbled, his daughter is now 15 and his son is 11, please believe me i have tried with them honestly but i also need to think about my children and how they feel,
my children adore my husband and think of him as father more than their own father, which they see regularly, and my husband will tell you himself he has a better relationship with my children sorry if i sound selfish but they are step-children from hell

Anonymous's picture

I despise being a step-parent. It would be different if I adored my husband but I do not. We are staying together for the sake of our child. My stepdaughter has no sense of reality -- she is only nice to me when she needs me. But otherwise she makes no conversation, esp at dinnertime. She only wants her father's attention - he still puts her to bed and she is at an age where she is almost able to drive. The lack of eye contact & communication, lack of responsibility around the house, and only sometimes says thank you it is frustrating to say the least. I have certainly tried to build a relationship but am not going to try anymore. It is not appreciated. I have to try to maintain a decent relationship for her because my child adores her as big sis but I am counting the days until she leaves the house. We have her 4 nights a week and I am so happy the days that she is not there. The posts have been very helpful to have no expectation and to focus on the positive. But being a step-parent is really the worst and my husband is only marginally supportive.

Anonymous's picture

I need to know and have some sanity. I have a 24 year old stepdaughter. His relationship with his daughter is great. I have been married now for three years and If i knew that dealing with a SD was this hard I would have thought twice before marrying him. Don't get me wrong I love my husband, but when she comes over and visit I am miserable. His total undivided attention goes to his daughter. He is not the same person when she comes and visits for the weekend. He baby's her and does anything she wants. He says he wants to make her feel like our home is her home. She is not a little girl anymore and to me I feel that when she visits she should respect our home. She takes over the entire house. She lays down on the couch and watches TV the whole weekend. She takes over the TV. My husband lets her, but when she is gone the TV is his again. I never can watch what I want on TV since during the week the tv belongs to him. Where I am getting at is that he treats her like the queen of England and anything she wants she gets. If only I got that treatment! If I happened just to dispict her take over and change the tv then she gets up and goes in our room and watched tv there laying on my bed. I find this so disrespectful! He thinks is okay for her to take over the entire house because he wants her to feel at home. He tells me that I am jealous of his daughter. If I say something he gets mad at me so I can't really tell him how I feel. When she comes over and stays with us over the weekends I feel out of place and like I do not have a home. He cooks for her and gives her what ever daddy's little girl wants. I have 3 sons from a prior marriage and they treat my house with respect because they know they are welcome anytime, but they also know that this is the parent's home. They don't come over and take over the place. Is it me or what is wrong? I don't feel jealous like he tries to instill in my brain, just want my privacy respected and want her to feel welcome, but not take over my home. I feel that she does most of the stuff to aggravate me because she know it does and to try in some sort of way to let me know who is in charge! Please advise! I need help!!!!

anon's picture

This is going to sound light compared to other people, but it is how I feel.
I really don't like my 14 year old step-daughter. It is now bordering on hate.
We are very different people.
She is very money orientated and shallow. All she wants is to be famous and spend her time on MySpace. I have had the conversation about what fame is etc. but no avail.
My wife and step-daughter tell me that I am only trying to get her (step-daughter) into trouble, because I found out her and her friends were getting "weed" for people and a few other things.
My wife and I get on really well when she is not around, but when she is around there is usually some tension. I am now thinking of "checking out" emotionally with the step=daughter. I will still do the things I have to do, but no more than that.
Really I want to tell my wife how I feel. Can you say I hate your daughter to wife? It would be a weight off to voice that, but........

No one's picture

And no, I don't believe they are all like that.

Anonymous Stepdad's post hit me and made me feel less alone:

"She is very money orientated and shallow. All she wants is to be famous and spend her time on MySpace."

This is scaring me about my 15-year old SD, as is her manipulative tendencies and increasingly smug, superior manner.

This is my first post so forgive me if I don't get the initials right (what is "DH?")

My 15-year old SD is becoming a person I don't think I like, and I feel my husband is helping it happen by approving of everything she does and says, plus giving her everything she asks for. It's creating amazing rage in me and I'm afraid, ruining my respect for him. I hope it will not kill our marriage, as he is a beautiful person and one in a million.

Our backstory - I was 41 when her dad and I got together. Second time for both of us. He was 44. She was 9, and accepted me into her life wonderfully. A sweet, beautiful child with a very big heart, very easy, very agreeable. I felt so lucky.

I soon learned that her mother was problematic. (They divorced when SD was about 2). Now, the ex and I got along - and get along - great, actually. Oddly. But her relationship with her daughter had been awful since the little one was 5. She would send my BF, now my DH (?) horrible, scathing emails about how evil her daughter was. His divorce lawyer said he'd never seen a woman fighting for LESS custody. She rejected her daughter at every turn, dragged DH into therapy to convince him to take full custody, and basically implied that SD was the bad seed. "She's a little actress with you," she'd hiss. DH originally had her three weekends a month and all vacations. Now, SD adored her mother, talked of her nonstop, would never say a critical word about her and called her nonstop when she was with us. Crying "I miss mommy," frequently. Mommy usually did not pick up the phone. Lots of "I love you" messages lost into answering machines. My heart broke for the kid. I reached out and opened up my heart to her. Shared my own vulnerability. Now I feel she is using it against me.

Long story short, when SD was eleven, it looked as if mother was going to go all out to abandon daughter. Dad has a career that involves travel for long periods; to remove this sweet child from the idyllic small town she grew up in, her friends, and the mom she loved to the point of obsession, would have forced her either into homeschooling or boarding school and destroyed her. At my suggestion we moved from the city and bought a house five minutes from her mom's house. We took over custody except two nights and a couple after schools a week, hoping it would placate the ex into feeling less put-upon by daughter. It worked. Daughter evened out. Calmed down. We provided a great, consistent environment for her. We were a happy family.

Daughter is now 15 and has blossomed into breathtaking, super model level beauty. I am very clear that I am envious of that (as a 47 year old woman who's always had body issues), and work hard not to let it color my feelings. Of course it can't help but do, which makes me very ashamed. When I engage with her and she engages back, I don't feel the envy, and am usually able to separate those irrational feelings from my genuine love for her. But in the past few years, Daddy has made a lot of money. So have I. I pay my way in our marriage; we have a prenup and I am not "supported." Both her dad and I worked our way up from nothing. Worked very hard. Killer hard. But SD has everything given to her. What she asks for and more. That, and her addiction to the internet, MTV reality shows, and The Hills, is turning her into a very superficial, smug, entitled person. She is obsessed with becoming famous, posts herself as 20 years old on the internet, and is addicted to shopping.

I have tried to step in and suggest to DH that he set some limits - not give her certain things unless she works for them. She has her own income from some acting work (just one line of voice over actually) she did years ago and has tens of thousands in the bank in her own name. Dad has all her college money put away. So she doesn't work hard at school, is a C or D student. Why work? She knows she'll go to SOME college - they need the money. She wants to be an actress and has taken exactly 4 very expensive, top of the line classes and now is goading Dad to get her an agent. Which he has the ability to do (is in the business) and will probably do. When I suggested she try out for a school play, she sneered. That is so below her. He's planning on buying her a car next year. When I suggest that maybe he's not doing her any favors and perhaps he should have her pay for her own car, since she has more than enough money, do the research and buy it, etc...or get a summer job, he looks at me as if I have no heart.

I have a heart. A big heart. And I see a child I adored turning into the kind of adult I can't stand to be around. And I believe it can be stopped...but not if she keeps on this path.

I don't blame her because the rejection she faces from her mom, her constant need to please her mom when nothing will, plus the extra unconditional acceptance she gets from her dad, have shaped her thus far. In the meantime, she is smug with me, and worse off, FALSE with me. I get a sweet smile and no human interaction. I ask for things to be done and I get a sweet smile and ignored. She knows I have no power to enforce rules with her. She disrespects my house (I'm the one who pays for the housecleaners, who bought all the furniture, and who keeps everything in order)...I could care less about her room which is a sty (but all teen's are - mine was!)...but she has her own bathroom which is also the upstairs hall bathroom that is unsanitary and she disrespects the rest of the house, colonizing it with junk because she can't get into her messy room.

I feel as if I'm shooting a dog every time I ask for something to change from my husband. He looks at me as if I am, yes, the ugly stepmother.

And the more I see him bend over to her will, the less I respect him. And the less attractive he becomes to me. I don't want this to destroy my marriage, but I feel like I want to scream.

Thanks to this blog at least I know I am not alone. And I am not a hateful person. I love this girl, and I know inside her is that open-hearted nine year old. But I see her changing fast and nothing and no one is stopping her.

Anonymous's picture

I agree. I have no problems other than I really don't like my step-daughter. I feel bad. I have been her "Step-father" for 6 years now, but I feel nothing, and I know she is just using me for what I can do. I cook, clean, pay for stuff, do homework etc. but can have no say in things eg, time in, discipline etc. I feel like a nanny.
I even hate who I become around her and my wife. Wow, should I just leave? Problem is they wouldn't survive, and I'm not being dramatic.

take control in bama's picture

I have read your stories and I am so relieved by the stance I took even though for sometime I questioned if what I did was really a good thing. After dealing with being ignored, the lying, the fake attitude in front of her dad and his attitude towards me when SD was around I finally put my foot down.

I told him either me or her. I was not going to be treated that way by no one and not especially by his little 14 year old girl. Needless to say for several months things were tense and of course she did everything she could to make him feel guilty. Which in turn he tried to put on me. But what I told him was she was his daughter and his problem. If he wasn't going to talk to her or force her to respect me then anything dealing with her would be his problem and his problem only.

He can go spend time with her and talk to her whenever he wants, but it is done away from our home. By the way, we are also expecting a child and I have a 12 year old daughter. When she lost her control of manipulating me, then she no longer had any interest in her father. He calls her to try to spend time with him and she doesn't take his calls. She doesn't let him know what is going on in her life. He will text her about events going on and she doesn't response. But better believe it, we do hear from her on her birthday and christmas. However, I have found its easier to give her some money and send her own her way.

This approach may not work for everyone, but it worked for me and I do not feel guilty about it one bit. Plus, my marriage is a whole lot better and even now he has the attitude that when she wants something she will call. There just comes a time that you have to pick your battles and back down from the ones that cause you insanity. Good luck to all of you and I hope you find your own level of peace one day.

Janette's picture

How I sympathize with people on here.

I too am sitting here thinking I'm going crazy.

My stepson who is now 18 has lived with us for 3 years after an argument with his mum and stepdad.

He arrived on our doorstep one evening and made it quite plain he intended to stay.

From day 1 he made it quite clear that he did not want me around (although his dad will say that is not true!).

I have 2 children from my first marriage and I tried my best from bringing them up from a young age on my own, to instill right and wrong values into them. I am proud to say they are both well balanced kids whom I am very proud of.

When my stepson moved in with us at 15 he starting seeing a girl of 13. She would come to our house on a regular basis and they would be laid down in the conservatory petting with one another in full view of everyone.I felt very uncomfortable with this but it did not seem to bother my husband.

we then turned the garage into a bedroom for him (Nice new everything) and he used to take this young girl in there with him and bolt the door! (Again didn't feel comfortable with this but not a problem to my husband!

He has posted photographs of himself on our family computer (completely naked) which I found unacceptable when they were visible for my 2 younger children to see.

He has said that money has gone missing from his room and my husband has asked me if I knew anything about it! (This hurt me so much as I would never dream of stealing.

The relationship with the 13 year old girl broke down because her parents saw my stepson as being too manipulative. This happened about a week before me and my husband were due to go on our first holiday abroad together! We had booked a villa with its own pool but as my stepson was so upset about the break up with this girl my husband said he could come along and bring a friend. I didn't complain I would have done the same for my children.

I feel I have treated him with nothing but kindness and he has thrown it all in my face.

He recently started seeing another girl who was 15 at the time. He had wanted her to come in his room which was allowed a couple of nights a week but he was always pushing the boundaries. My daughter and I spent a night away from home and I came home to discover that my husband had allowed my stepsons girlfriend to spend the night here with him and sleep together. I'm quite broad minded but I was furious at this as my husband knew how I felt about it. I tried to make him understand that this was opening the door for my 2 to think it acceptable to do this.

One night it all came to a head and my stepson and I had words. He stormed off and told his 2 brothers a pack of lies saying I'd said we didn't want him here etc. As a result I have had texts from both of his older brothers, very offensive f.....in and so and so.

My husband cannot see where my anger is coming from. These boys have not even given me a chance to give them my side of the story.

I feel so let down mostly by my husband who I feel has done nothing to defend me.

I am now the truly wicked stepmum, a title I really don't feel I deserve.

princesstamtam's picture

I have been reading the posts here and I must say that I am finding most of them difficult to understand. I, too, am a stepmother with two stepdaughters who have been extremely difficult and caused problems but I have never allowed myself to be such a victim of the situation as I have read here over and over again!
I totally understand all of your frustrations and hurts...I went through them, and still do to some extent. But, I also feel good enough about myself and I also had a great support system with regards my family and friends that I didn't allow myself to become so overwhelmed and consumed by the whole situation.
My family life: I am American and married a European man with two daughters (13 and 15). I also have two children (at the time were 8 and 9), a son and a daughter. I moved to Europe and my son came with me (the father refused to allow my daughter to come and she is still there to this day). I have been married now for over 5 years and we, together, have a 4 year old son.
From the beginning the ex and the girls caused major problems. For the record, much of this was my husband's fault since he did not establish clear boundaries when he and his ex were divorced (about 6 years before we were married, and before that they were separated for about 3 years). I mean they shared the same phone number (you could look in the phone book and their names were together), she lived in the apartment right above him and the kids (he had physical custody of the girls), the took occasional vacations together, shared a car together, etc. All this was done with the idea of keeping both parents in the lives of the kids. What it did was cause a major mess since even though the parents had not been together for a number of years, the kids were so used to this 'family' arrangement that any woman that dated their father was a threat, just as if the parents were actually married.
So, this is the situation that I was confronted with when I packed up my life in the States and moved to a totally different country. And to top it all off, my husband had led me to believe that everyone would welcome him getting remarried again or that it wasn't that big of a deal.
So, I move here after the wedding, and all hell breaks loose. The kids refuse to meet me, the mother starts about how upsetting all this is to ''the children'', the kids don't have to have contact with me just their father. Letters were written, emails sent, calls made demanding this, demanding that.
The kids (whose mom is British and are bilingual) refused to speak English in front of me knowing that I had not yet learned the language. No eye contact, complaints to their dad, etc.
The oldest daughter became bulimic, which, of course, was my and the father's fault. The youngest was becoming suicidal, yadda yadda yadda.
Through all this, my husband and I fought like cats and dogs. He came from a family where the white elephant is standing in the room and no one comments on it, whereas I am direct and deal with the problem, get it over with and move on.
We had a few family meetings with just us and the children, of which the mother would call later and demand that we (read...me, the stepmother) stop interfering in ''the children's lives''.
The daughters were quite manipulative, especially the older one since she was the one who was the ''wife figure'' when the father was single. They discussed everything together and she couldn't and wouldn't understand that was never her role and it certainly was no longer now that I was in the picture.
So, the kids started playing around with their visitation with us. They decided to move in with the mom and would show up sometimes and sometimes not. No calls, no show of respect. They would call the cell phone of the father and only talk to him and if I answered were very short and not too pleasant.
The oldest one would send me text messages on my cell phone, pretending that she mixed up the numbers with me and her father. The messages were never to me, always addressed to her father talking about how much she missed him and loved him and how she couldn't wait to see him again.
To my husband the kids were supposed to be put first and they were so fragile and things were his fault and on and on and that's why he couldn't take a stand and be firm with them. He said it was a cultural thing, it was just one excuse after another.
Finally, things came to a head, we separated a few times and had a major break-out row and he said that he wanted to send me back to the States until his daughters were finished growing up!
I refused. I said that this was my home, I made just as many sacrifices, if not more, and that I wasn't going anywhere. This was an awesome chance for my son to experience and learn new languages and cultures and I was not going to have him miss out and I wasn't going to miss out just because three females had an attitude!
I started keeping myself occupied...I went and did things that made me feel good...new clothes (the shopping in France and Italy is to die for!), going on trips (ever been to Sardinia in the spring..beautiful!), facials, pedicures, hairdressers, etc.
I sat down and asked myself what did I want out of this situation. Is my marriage worth saving...(yes!)? So, I concentrated on the good things and tried (which was extremely hard at times) to minimize the bad.
When the kids came over, I made myself scarce or I sat around, whichever I felt like doing. I didn't worry anymore if it made them feel comfortable or not. There were times when I felt like the odd man out, but I got through it and they (my husband included) had to deal with the fact that I wasn't going anywhere. My husband felt uncomfortable showing affection in front of his daughters (they were ''too fragile to see their father kissing another woman'') I held his hand and kissed him if I felt like it.
When his kids stepped out of line, I reminded them that we have rules in the house and they are expected to deal with them like any other place. They would refuse and try and test to see if they would be enforced, but I was strict with it and my husband allowed me to be the hard-liner and then later he backed me up.
My husband does not like confrontations, hates them, and if he can bend over rather take a firm step he will do it. But, he also can't stand to live with tension, and I let him know from the get-go that if he didn't set some rules up and stick with them there would be some major tension to live with.
I also picked my battles. If I told the kids to do something and they wouldn't (their thing was to not a say a word and this was my husband's cue to go and do it), I stood and insisted. In other situations if my husband did it for them, go ahead, he was the one that was going to be tired at the end of the evening ripping and running and with no gratitude for all the work.
I also made good use of my time when his kids were not around. I wined and dined that man and treated him so good that when his daughters later threatened to never see him again (yes, this was even after he would bend over backwards pleasing them, obviously it was never enough) if they didn't get things their way, he had a little more backbone to stand and say ok then, end of relationship.
Of course, that didn't last and after more and more drama from them and the mother what do I have to this very day? I have two stepdaughters...20 and 18 who don't work, not in school (the youngest is in some sort of internet school) but still get child support from my husband. They just recently started talking to him again after saying they wanted to take a break for a year with no contact. A letter was recently written by one saying how she will never get over the fact that he got married and that I have everything they should be having.
But, what I also have is a husband who backs me totally and is very supportive of me when it comes to dealing with his kids. I learned (the hard way) that it is best to keep your mouth shut when discussing his kids. He already knows quite plainly how bad his children are. And if they are as bad as what I have read here others on the outside can line up and testify that they are horrible.
Do not put more into the emotional account than you are willing to lose. You are a stepparent, you do not have the emotional savings to fall back on when things go sour like the biological parent does. They have good memories (although it seems hard to believe at times) but you don't. Establish who you are, that you are not going anywhere and live your life. If you have to live a life that is separate from him and his children as regards the emotional aspect, so be it. That way, when you receive your ''nothing'' that we stepparents usually do, it won't hurt so much because you haven't invested so much in the beginning.
I hope that I didn't offend anyone, only trying to help. I am also very sorry for how long this is.

maypop's picture

I think this is the smartest column I have read. Actually, my own husband tells me not to care, and I feel even more excluded! But, maybe he knows it is unworkable any other way. Thanks for a real reality dose. You are exactly right. I do not have any emotional savings.

worried's picture

i am so glad i found this site i hope you can give me some advise or commets on what to do, i have a step daughter 17 years old. i met her
dad 4 years ago and all was great, me & her got along perfectly and she & my daughter liked one another. its all changed since me and her father got married last year, she now calls me a bitch and my daughter a whore be hind our backs of course. when she comes to our house she hangs on her father asks him if he can rubb her back or comb her hair,scratch her back or if he would like her to do it to him. i told him it does not look right that she lifts her shirt up in front of him and that when she sleeps over at our house she trys to lay down in bed with him shes too old for that. he always is telling her not to do this but she still continues to do so. as for me she never includes me in any family photos and ahs gone as far as to ask me to step out of the photo, that its just for family, my husband yelled at her and told her to take pictures of me and my daughter , but i told him not to because if she does not want to its fine by me. me & my husband have a great marriage, we love one another very much. we ride motorcycles together and when she rides on the back with her father she will rub his upper thighs and back with her finger tips, like a woman in love, it makes me sick to see
her touching her father like that, he tells her to stop and she begins to pout as if she was a baby. her 18th birthday is coming and i have always been very giving to her, but i just dont have it in me anymore she has treated me & my daughter terribly! what should i do??
please help!

Patricia's picture

I would like to vent that I have to have the messiest step-daughter ever. Her room is disgusting, I have to tell her to get a bath 500 time, and she wears dirty clothes. The biggest 2 problem I have are throwing dirty and clean clothes on the floor and leaving candy wrappers all over along with empty glasses or pop cans in her room.
When I try to talk to my husband it is a lost cause and we argue. I can't believe he wants me to leave her room alone. I am so upset I just had to vent. Any advice or help is welcome.

Patricia

Anonymous 2's picture

just the highlighs of my 10 years of being a step-mother, otherwise known as 'the C***'. And yes, my husband, their father and I are pretty much on the same side - thank goodness.
1. Older SD ( when 14) had a cat, it used younger SD bed for litter box. Old SD is laying in her bed during the afternoon cause she is 'tired and bored'. Father tells older SD to clean cat mess up, she tells him to 'F off, you can't make me do anything'. He stands there staring at her until she does clean up mess. Next day her bio mothers takes her from school to Social Services to report us for child abuse 'cause her father yelled at her and scared her.
2. This older SD, Ashley had a ferret. Ferret was cute but was an ongoing fight to have her keep cage clean. One occasion she took some of my clothes, swabbed out the crappy/pissy cage, put mess and clothes in a plastic grocery bag and hung it dripping from her door knob. Then said she didn't do it, didn't know how it got there! We found ferret a happy home with other ferrets. She threatened to sue us if we didn't give her HER ferret back.
3. At 14 Ashley decided she had a discharge. (Mom never took girls to Dr or dentist which was main reason father was awarded custody) so I make appt and take her. In Dr waiting room she starts calling me mommy and saying she 'needed' me in the exam room cause she is scared. I stay in exam room holding her hand as she gets her first pap. Which comes back negative. Bout an hour later we are home, I am walking down and hall and, bless Ashley, she pops out from around the corner with her hand out. She has this gob of something on her finger which she shoves in my face saying 'I told you this is what my discharge looked like'.
4. Both girls slept downstairs in separate bedrooms. We had to install a motion detector in their hallway. Ashley would sneak into her youner sisters bedroom and while her sister was sleeping and spit into her mouth.
5. After one weekend visit with bio mom, younger SD tells us how Ashley (15 yrs old) runs around in a Tshirt and pees on the floor in front of people and that Ashley 'pooped into mom's clothes dryer cause she was mad at her mothers boyfriend'. I rarely believe anything these kids said but .....
6. At 15 Ashley and her younger sister and their bio mom cooked up this idea that if the girls are as bad as they can be dad will kick them out and then they can live with the mom. Mom encouraging this behavior telling kids she has no reason to live if they are not with her and threatening suicide. So Ashley keeps pushing behavior until it is to the point she refuses to associate with us: stays in her bedroom except at night when she sneaks out to take food back to bedroom. Turned her closet into a bathroom! Moved her clothes to one side, had a plastic bucket with a rug in front of it, a night stand with toilet paper on it and magazines next to the bucket. Yes, she used it. Video of this helped us commit her to Spring Mountain Treatment center.
7. At 17 she is back in our home 'cause her mother was arrested after getting drunk and taking a gun to another juvenile living in the home. And cat is back with us. Cat is old, sick and psychotic by this time. Pees whenever she hears vacuum cleaner, hides under bed all day. So cat starts peeing on Ashley's bed. One night Ashley is in bed and the cat pees all over her and the bed. She grabs her cat and flings it outside in the mid of winter, 3 feet of snow and around 0 degrees. Cat meows for 3 days and will not come near the house. Just yeowls. Ashley refuses to look for her cat or call it. Finally her father and I catch the poor damn thing. Take it to vet, at 17 yrs old it is diagnosed with urinary cancer. We have it put down. Now I am 'the bitch that killed her kitty'.

When this kid lived with us, she left her clothes where she discarded them. This included 'nasty' panties in the hallway, clean clothes and dirty clothes mixed in a pile and we had to pay her to remember to flush the toilet after she defacated, used tampax were left on the bathroom floor.

Did she have mental/emotional problem? Does her younger sister have emotional/mental problems? Hell yes!! And they have been in at least weekly therapy since 2001. We have been with 7 councelors. Ashley has been in several intervention homes and a 3 lock-down behavior hospitals. Custody of her younger sister (just turned 16) was awarded this month to her mother -because she is 16 and wanted to live with her mother! I swear to god, the legal system is as screwed up as these 2 kids and their bio mother. We have spent 10's of thousand of dollars in custody investigation, therapy, behavioral hospitals, private schools and legal fees (mother represents her self). Do I hate them...........What do you think? Just want them and their poison and their mother and her evilness out of our lives.

Lyndene's picture

I have read thru 2 pages of comments, and will also say it is comforting to know that I too, am not alone. My husband and I have been married for 8 yrs, and dated for 3 yrs. He has 2 adult children,a daughter, 38yrs old, and a son, 37yrs old. I have 3 "now adult" children, a son 29, and 2 daughters, 26 and 20. My youngest was only 8 when we started dating. I am his 3rd marriage, he is my 2nd. Bill has been always incredibly close to his daughter. Her mother kept leaving the family, reportedly to "find herself," and when Kelli was 15yrs old, left for good. During her dad and miy dating years, I heard alot from her about how dysfunctional her mom was, and how evil his second wife was. Kelli was so thankful that finally her dad had found someone she approved of. She had told him that he needed to marry me. She also helped him pick out my engagement/wedding band. She was embracing of my 2 older kids, at that time, 18 and 16, but was open to me about not liking my youngest, then 8. BUT, she thought it was due to her being jealous of her, and the fact that she had a mommy, and Kelli didn't. She assured me that she and her husband(she'd been married 5yrs) would really work on accepting Ashley, and Kelli was sure the jealousy would go away after we were married, because she would then have a mommy too. How stupid and gullible I was. Immediately after marrying her dad, the battle began. Her calls to her dad wer nonstop. She filled his head with ideas that my kids were horrible. She didn't like the friends they chose,(the friends were nice, humble kids)how they dressed for church, where they sat in church, how Ashley clung to him, etc. There was absolutely nothing they could do right. But, if she needed a babysitter, all of a sudden she was nice to them. Haylee and Ashley would rearrange their schedules to accommodate her "want." They literally turned themselves inside to to win her approval, without ever getting it, especially my youngest, Ashley. Always after, there would be a phone call from Kelli to her "daddy" filling his ears with how terrible a job my daughter had done, the house was left trashed, they had not done what she asked,etc. At first, I was of the mindset that she must be right. I never thought that her motives were devious. My husband would come to me with her complaints, then I'd of course ask my daughters about it. If they were not doing what they were supposed to, then they were accountable. Consistently, Kelli's version never check out, and her excuse was that she just needed to vent, and that was why she exaggerated. There was never an apology to my girls or to me, always just an excuse. It didn't take me long to catch on. I tried talking to my husband about her destructive behavior, but he was and continues to be very defensive in her behalf, and gets this look of disdain in his eyes for me that I'd even dare to think that there was anything but "perfect" regarding his "tiger." (his pet name for her) Whenever there has been any conflict between Kelli and myself, he openly stands by her side in support, and I am always the bad guy. She makes public profession of how he has been, and always will be her hero, she can tell him ANYTHING, and he can tell her ANYTHING(they are each others best friend, confidant, even going to each other for marital advice.) Bill could not understand how I could feel betrayed and "raped" when he went to his daughter for advice on what product he and I should use for personal lubrication. This was after she and I were already having issues. He brought home the product and said, "Kelli said we should try this." I came unglued, and again, was the bad guy for being offended. This summer my oldest daughter, Haylee, got married. And you guessed it, Kelli made her nasty self known. My husband, so as not to betray her, was indifferent towards any plans for the wedding. He protested even standing when Haylee walked down the isle. That was the last straw for me having any respect for him. He has no backbone when it comes to his daughter. She goes ballistic if he does not do what she says, and if he does not take her point of view. She has married a man who also has no backbone, and takes her verbal abuse meekly. She and her dad are in practice together, and of course, she bears no financial responsibility, taking all of her money home, while we struggle to keep the practice going.
she went thru a "planned bankruptcy," taking credit card after credit card, maxing each out, hoarding copious amount of cash from the ones that provided you with checks, and when she had stashed thousands and thousands of dollars, then she and her husband declared bankruptcy. And of course, my husband excused her. This is a woman out of control. She and her husband now have 3 kids, and another one on the way. I am their grandmother, and love them dearly, and they me. The 6 yr old girl comes to me for consolation from time to time, voicing her hurts. She is the middle one, and somewhat forgotten. Her little sister is looks and personality wise, a spitting image of her mommy, and the jewel of the family. Tay will say things like, "daddy didn't want another baby, but mommy did, and "mommy always gets her way." Or, "It makes me sad when mommy screams at daddy for something he didn't do, and I say that I did it so he won't get into trouble." I would separate myself from all of this in a heartbeat, but my own children do not want me divorced again, and since they are all older now, can put the "evil stepsister out of their lives." And my girls are wise enough to know that the grandkids need a grandma. In searching for help in "blended family" dynamics, I came across the defination, "emotional incest," and it defines my husband and Kelli's relationship precisely. Has anyone read "The Emotional Incest Syndrome" by Dr. Patricia Love? I need help, encouragement, and all the advice I can get to be able to make this marriage work. Has anyone out there had a similar experience, and how did you work thru it? Thanks for wading thru this with me.

Joy

Anonymous's picture

I've been married now for 4 years and have a 13 year old step-daughter. Is it normal to have an anniversary and go out to dinner to a very nice restaurant with your husband (every year!) and TAKE your step daughter????? To me, that isn't normal. Or am I just a romantic that thinks there is a time and place for kids? How do I address this issue? He sees nothing wrong with this since he only sees her every other week. Pleeease Help.

very hurt's picture

I have been married for only 15 months and I feel like my 14 year old SD in trying to make me look so bad to my husbands ex-wife and his whole family. My husband is not supportive of me when I comfront him about these problems. She tells her mother and my husbands mother that I am mean to her and I pick on her. I feel I am nothing but nice to her and give her compliments. I tried to have somekind of friendship/ bond with her I took her to get her hair done or her nails done and she goes home and cries to her mom and says I'm a B----
My husband ex-wife knows she is lying and tells me she doesnt believe her and my husband tells me that she says i nag her or leave her alone she has a bad life look her parents are divorced. If i ask her how are u doing? Im nagging. I cant even stand looking at her anymore she is rude, lazy and disrespectful. I tell my husband that I am happy she doesn't live with us. He says that Im too sensitive. I dont have any kids, she told me that she didnt need any sisters or brothers. I am begining to hate the holidays because every time I have to go to his families house I feel uncomfortable with her there. I know she talks crap about me his family makes me feel like an outcast. and she sits in the corner giving me dirty looks with her cousin. I am new at this I am so lost confused and hurt. somedays i wish she didn't exist. at this point I feel like no husband -no stepdaughter. I love him but dont know if its worth all this frustration. I am tired of all of it, all the dirty looks all of the badmouthing what do i do

I have been living in my home for 4 1/2 years with my new wife, her 17 year old daughter, my 19 year old son (Moved out on his own recently though, proudly), and for the last 2 1/2 years, her 30 year old daughter. Along with her came her new little boy (a total joy, but with a couple of problems). She is an ungrateful, undisciplined, self-centered person, with no ambition or goals, except to live off us for the remainder of our lives. Our retirement plans are now shot. Booting her out is not acceptable to anyone, as she has nowhere else to go. I've really had it.

uugggghhhh SD's picture

I can not tell you how she can do NO wrong in her dads eyes. He is smart and stupid all at the same time. If she is talking she is lying! I was a spoiled daughter so I know all the tricks and she thinks she is doing something that I have not done but honey I got a good 20 years on her! It kills me to see her dad being so stuck on stupid when it comes to her. I swear everything she does wrong he will justify it and the worse part is I have 2 sons of my own that I discipline that see she is NEVER disciplined. If there is a rule she will break it cause she knows she can. There is no eating in the rooms for the last 4 years that I have been with her dad and she will even leave her door open just so I can see that she is eating in there cause she knows it dont matter. All conversation is directed to her dad as if me and my sons dont exist. I left him one time cause she was so rude to the boys who mind their own business and do nothing to her except go get her for dinner, school, the phone, when we are leaving. Its like we all cater to her and GOD forbid you say anything to her dad about it cause he will just reply that I am picking on her. Dont let me get started on the myspace that used to have regulations of no cursing, no gang relations, no invites of people you dont know.... Oh its all on there now and when you say something to her about it she will justify it as well cause that is all her dad does. I take her everywhere she needs to go and she wont even help me with a 2900 square foot home. One day I asked her to put up a grocery and she commented "I dont know where it goes" (mind you she is about 60 pounds over weight so we all know she knows where everything in the kitchen is) so I say "why not" she said "cause I have a maid that does all that" meaning me. That would be the day I stopped putting up groceries. She does her own laundry cause he buys her clothes on the low to keep from me knowing she is getting more than my boys, she will come home with 7 new shirts and say its left over lunch money! from what the 1st grade???WTH I cant take it! I love her dad to death but she is unbelievable!! And that is all just the tip of it!

MSHK's picture

After reading some of the post I realize that I am not alone, in the battle with the SD monster. My SD is 16 and she is the epitome of the words, lying, cheating, rude, disrespectful, and all the other words that describe horrid behavior.

Her father and I have been together for 11 years, she come into my life at the same time, he had custody since her and her sister were 2 years old. She has not had contact with any other mother figure in her life but me, but when it come down to the bones of the matter she has tried everything in her power to come between her father and me. I am the bread maker of the family, making the bulk of the family income. She gets up on her high horse and very rudely informs me on a weekly, and daily basis that my roll is to earn the money and get her what she wants and to take care of the house and everything else. When I stand my ground and tell her "no" she runs to "Dad" and tells him that I have been mean, hit, and cursed her and he yells at me and then he gives her what she wants. Even thought he knows that she is lying to him, he says it will keep the peace to let her have her way, that its just easier. He now wants to give her my second car, and I am not wanting to do that, the only thing that stops him is that all the cars we own are in my name "my maiden name" and I refuse to sign the title over to the little wretch. Which is causing issues between her Dad and me, but everyone on his side of the family is seeing the difficulties with her and is doing their best to help, if only he would listen and she would get her act cleaned up. But on the other hand the other child is not treated this was, truly the Cinderalla Story.

She keeps threating to move out just to upset her Dad, so she can get her way. But, God help me, I am telling myself, hurry up move out and don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way.
I know that I as and adult should not feel that way, but she is making my life unbearable and the lives of all those around her. I could give a laundry list of the events and troubles in the home and out side the home "yes, law", but I haven't that much time right now.

Thanks for letting me vent.

KristenA's picture

I have a 17 year old step-daughter that is very hateful and disrespectful. She lives with us full time and the week before last her Dad was in the hospital. She would not go see him unless it was for money or to tell him that I was being mean to her. I kept the whole house up including her laundry and did everything in my power to make sure she had what she needed and wanted. Now her Dad is home and just getting back to work and she is being hateful to both of us. She will not and never has lifted a finger to help around the house or do her own laundry, so I have stopped doing it as well. I think I have enough to do in keeping the rest of the house up. I work a little more than full time and my husband works 2 jobs and believe its only fair that she help out. My husband will not say anything to her about it because she just blows up and makes everything miserable for us, plus I think he is scared of her, and her very dysfunctional mother for that matter. I have tried to have a good relationship with her but no matter what I do it always comes back to haunt me in one way or another. I never say anything negative about her Mom even though the fact that she isnt helping us out with child support or anything else is making it very tough. This has been an ongoing problem from day one pretty much and I am about at the end of my rope with her and my husband, like I am ready to start filing divorce papers if things dont change! This is only a small part of the story, but the rest isnt any better! Does anyone have any suggestions!?!?!? I just dont know what to do anymore and I really dont want to get divorced because I know after she turns 18, if she ever gets a job, (currently refuses to work- just like her mother) things might get better when she moves out of our house. Please help!!!!

sad and tired in moss bluff louisiana's picture

I really have a lot to say, but I won't. I just want to let everybody know that it doesn't stop when "they" leave the house. My husband's two daughters and ex-wife are into our business 24 and 7. The older daughter was already gone when we got married. Even though she is married with her own child on the way, she has been a large part of our problem since day 1 and has been allowed to cause turmoil ever since day 1. The younger child lived with us very briefly because she is the terror of all terrors. Every story I have read on here describes her completely, so if I were to share my stories, it would be all repeats. Well, even though both are "gone", their influence still runs rampant through my home daily. We are bombarded with phone calls by them both and emails and blogs etc etc. Even their mother, the ex wife still calls almost daily and encourages her girls daily to do the same. My husband does nothing and just allows it all to filter into our relationship daily. We've only been married two years and it has been a living hell. I just wonder, DOES IT EVER END??

hurting's picture

I love this man.My 12 year old son loves him very much.He is our hero.18 year old SD has ruined our relationship.Her friends Mom`s family and anyone close to her hates my guts.Every fight we have had is about her or one of her friends.Husband told her to keep certain friend away because i was jealous.Now that friend flirts with my man so does her Mother.Their entire family hates this crazy jealous woman.The truth is it makes me sick and angry.To watch this flirting going on by a 15 year oldin my own "home"He does not discipline his daughter and we have many of the same problems listed above.I have tried so hard.I love her.Many of the things we go through are normal.For the sake of my husband and my son,my child and I are leaving.All of this has caused so much hurt.I give she wins.I will start again,let him be a permissive love filled Dad.I will raise my son the best I can on my own.

catscratch's picture

This breaks my heart. What sort of a man puts anyone before his wife? And the wife leaves? I guess I'm in it for the long haul. A frozen solid little heart, still beats occasionally.

DAH's picture

I have been married to my husband for 6 years and he has 3 children (25,20 and 16) I have 2 children (21 and 17). His 25 year old is married in her 3rd year of medical school and expecting. My 21 year old is a junior in college and doing well. His 16 year old lives with us full time and doesn't see his mom much(she remarried and in addition to the 25,20 and 16 has a 6 and 4 year old from a second marriage. Then comes my 20 yr old SD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her father paid 20,000 for cosmetology school and she graduated last Augustand bought her a toyota Corolla so she could WORK. She also got pregnant last Jan and had a son in OCT. The baby is 7 months old and she hasn't worked since she got out of school last August. They lived with the boyfriends parents until Feb and got an apt (My Husband co signed the lease after his daughter and the boyfriend said they would both get jobs.) Well the boyfriend worked 25 hours a week (he didn't get a job until the baby was 2 months old)until 2 months ago and they have called every month cuz they are short on rent money. My husband said no until she called last month wanting 500$ for clothes to go out and get a job. He gave her 300(against my will) and she hung up on him and said if you don't want to help us fine CLICK...no thank you for the 300!!!
Well now they want my husband to foot the bill for a wedding and he said he would give them something small after they were more financially sound...and send them to St Thomas to our timeshare for a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well last week we got an invite to his daughters wedding that they are having at a friends house and the invite says BYOB(bring your own booze) classy eh!!!! We were not notified until we opened the invite !!!!!Guess what I am not going...Her mom pushed me at the 25 year olds wedding and I said then I will not expose myself to that behavior ever again!!!The daughter has always got what she wanted(My husband's ex got a hefty child support pment)and was spoiled rotten. His other two kids are very nice people. Not sure what happened. Don't think I am wrong not to go to wedding. P.S. I have had 6 years of total hell with the ex and this kid this is just our most recent occurance!!!HELP

leana's picture

I have been with my husband for eleven years and married for 9. When
we married he had four children with his first wife ,three girls one boy. We met while he was separated from his wife. We had a baby girl together before we were married. We were supposed to marry soon after I was pregnant, but he didn't marry me until our daughter was a year old. He always told me we would. I lived with my mom the whole time while he went back and forth from where he was living three hours away and to the house of his ex wife were he said he was staying on the weekends just to be with the kids. I will never really understand the situation. Or why I accepted this for myself or my daughter. The day of our marriage he brought his 8 year old son to live with us full time with his 10 year old daughter to follow in two weeks. Their mother no longer wanted them as he told me because she said they were too bad. She later showed me she was a very bitter angry woman why I really never knew why from her. He always said because she was jealous always of even the kids. I couldn't believe a mother could no longer want two of her four children. Well needless to say it was not very easy for me I was 24 years old and my husband 32 years old so I figured it wouldn't be that hard because he had experience I thought with raising children. He always spoke of how sweet and kind his children were. So I thought everything would be allright. The day of our marriage, just a simple service. My husband held onto his son the whole time. My husband placed him in the middle of us the whole time thru the marriage ceremony. I was so hurt. Keep in mind our one year old daughter was in the back ground. six or so feet away He never asked for her to be a part of it. When it was time for him to say his vows and put the ring on my finger he didn't even let go of his son to put the ring on my finger. I was very hurt but didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want him to be mad. He wasn't the best father to our baby before we were married. The first year of her life I had to beg him to come visit her. While he was in town visiting his other children. I could and still do not understand why. But he told me everything would change and he would no longer treat us like that anymore. The first week of our marriage my step son slept in the middle of me and my husband in our bed. I told my husband this was wrong over and over until after a week he told him he would have to sleep on a pallett holding his daddys' hand. At the time I thought this was just new to him and perhaps he was scared. Then after the first week he started being mean to me and our infant daughter. So i realized it was more to it and that he was competing with me and our daughter for his fathers' attention. My husband worked 14 hour days so it left me in charge of the children. At this time his 10 year old daughter The oldest of his four children came to live with us also. At first she was nice also, but quickly within a weeks time they both started putting their heads together to cause problems. They never wanted my husband to show affection to our daughter or to me. So he really did not do it much when they were around and when he did they became angry. He was able to show them affection and use terms of endearment around me, our daughter was really too young to understand. I remember times were she would be crawling on him and he wouldn't acknowledge her. I would question why he wouldn't hug or kiss us in front of them and he would say i was over reacting. Boy have i heard that alot in nine years of our marriage! I have always felt like they have never truly wanted us to be a family. I have heard so many things from them when they were children from I hate you, I hate her meaning our daughter together. She is 10 years old now. She doesn't really know her father. Because I feel like they never had that time to bond. I have been called a whore, told there father still loved their mother and was just using me to get a green card. I have dealt with my stepdaughter peeing and pooping on herself and leaving the mess if her underwear and I would clean them. She did this until she was 16 years old. I thought she had a problem but i soon realized she didn't do it when she was around her friends or at school. After she stopped doing that it went to leaving her sanitary napkins in her under and i would wash her clothes and discover them or she still leaves them on the bathroom floor. She is now 19 years old and my stepson is 18 the first of september. I have gotten my husband his green card through our marriage and now I am the petioner for my two step children. I was more than willing. I have always wanted them to love me. I have grown tired of trying. My husband as never corrected at of his own actions. Only because I have asked him too because they will not listen to me. We now have a 10 year old daughter and a 3 year old daughter together. We now have his 14 year old daughter. We got her when she was 7 from their mother also, because she no longer wanted her. I knew it would be so hard to take on another one, but I couldn't leave her. She came to me with bruises on her and told me she wasn't being fed. So I asked her mother would she give her to me and she signed over paperwork. I took her that day and her mother never wanted to speak to her again. It was somewhat difficult with her at first. Not compared to my other stepchildren. She did not hate me, she was not bitter, she never said horrible things to me. She lied and i would try to correct her on that and my husband would argue with me and tellme I was making her lie because I didn't want to hear the truth. She knew her lying about hurting our toddler daughter at the time( they all did this to her Pinch her, throw things at her, purposely hit her in the head amonst other things. All of which I tried to correct without much help from my husband. He would call me a liar. One day she was lying and he was arguing with me because I was correcting her. And she just looked up at him and said daddy I am lying. I was so relieved because she wanted to be better. He got so angry and shouted at me. Years later she told me that he told her he would never protect her again. So since she was nine she too has become a target for their anger or munipulation. As of right now my almost 18 year old is kicked out the house because he was shouting at me and talking down to me because I simply asked him if he turned the radio station. I then approached him and asked him to treat me with respect because I am his momma. He continued to be ugly and clenched his fist to me so I went to slap him and he grabbed my arm and disslocated it. His father was in the bedroom lying down because his back was hurt. I couldn't move I was screaming. My husband never got up to check on me. Then once i popped the arm in the socket I went to our bedroom were my step son already gave him his version of the truth. Once again he believed him and it was my fault. I told my husband that I would no longer accept this for me and our two girls and my 14 yearold step daughter who I will soon be adopting because she has asked me too and I am honored. So he was then mad and kicked my stepson out of the house as usual not because he was wrong but because of me! I told him I could no longer live like this. We were gone for a week. My stepson and step daughter have called me and my three children ugly things, have hit on the girls, pushed them. They are also ugly to my husband, but they will not push it to the point of no return with him. We came back after a week because my husband said he would no longer allow us to be treated like this. My 19 year old step daughter has admitted during these past weeks that she has caused problems all along because she said she wanted to be the center of her dads' attention. We are now home for three weeks and she has not changed like he said would happen it is only worse. And he wanted to bring my stepson home. In fact he did while me and the three yougest girls stayed with my momma for four days because she had eye surgery. I told him I would not return with him there because i did not feel safe for my children or myself. So he told him he had to leave because I didn't want him here. I have since told my 19 year old soon to be 20 years old that she had to be out in two weeks, because she has been stealing the girls things and mine and has stole my online accountin which she went on all kinds of sites and set up accounts with my online account and busted ny password on my computer one more time and causing bad fights between her father and I. I am no longer sleeping in the room with my husband we hardly talk . He has told me I have never really been a mother to my stepson and stepdaughter. And that he feels like I have really never loved them. I have raised them and always been there for them even when he wasn't but none of them think so. They need to leave our home because they are both grown and I need to see if we can try and save our marriage. Although I don't know if it is possible. He has told me he is tired of trying to please me but he would like to stay married for the sake of our younger children. I don't really know what to do anymore. My main concern right now is to protect my three younger children from my stepdaughter while she remains in the home. They both work with him at a restuarant. He is the manager. He drives them back and forth to work and so forth. So he will still get to see them almost everyday. I don't understand why he dislikes me so much and has allowed them to be this way. He stands up for himself when they are ugly to him. So to all of you step parents I know what you are going through and I wish I could give you good advice that works but I can't. Only pray that you don't let them make you as bitter and ugly as they are and to give you guidance. Most importantly realize you can not change it if it has been going on for too long and if you don't have the love and support form your spouse. Know that you are not alone because up until two hours ago I thought I was. Until I read these things. I hope to hear any comments from anyone.
thank you

Tami's picture

I am so glad I found this site!! Just reading everyone's comments makes me feel like I am not alone and my feelings are so justified.
My husband and I have been together for 21 years. We have 2 children together. 17 & 12. I also have a stepdaughter (22) and a "foster daughter" (27). FD is my stepdaughter's older half sister. My husband has been the father figure in her life since she was 4. We raised my SD and FD from the time they were little, due to the fact the bio mom "didn't want to me a mom anymore" and spent most of her time introducing the girls to their future stepfathers. It was a very sad situation. We have been the SD & FD stability. We raised the girls with our children and never treated any of the kids any differently. I have always been there for the girls through the crying moments when bio mom hurt their hearts. For the most part (with the exception of the yuck teenage years) we have been really close. Many many times, I bit my tongue when it came to their bio mom, even when their mom didn't have nice things to say about me. I was the one with the strong shoulders when they had a crisis in their lives. My SD and I have a wonderful relationship and I cherish it with all of my heart. My FD on the other hand is a very selfish self centered person and never comes around except for Christmas and birthdays. In front of other family members, she treats and acts as if my husband is her father and all is a happy family. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't feel the same. Let me back up for a moment. Although my husband loves our FD, her mother has always really pushed my huband into that role. her mother and my husband were together (never married) for 3 years and has "guilted" my husband into the father role. I know that sounds really shallow on my part, but it is truly not meant to sound that way. My husband is a very good man and would have taken her into our family no matter what...because we had a better lifestyle for the children. So there are no regrets as far as that is concerned. Okay, now that I've given you the beginning of the 21 years. LOL I recently really had my feelings hurt by the FD which whom recently has gotten married.
During the planning of the wedding, it was me that she called for advice. It was me that was there for her during the shopping for dresses and colors and flowers. it was me that she called crying because her mom didn't seem interested in her wedding at all. it was me that help plan her bachlorette party and bridal shower. it was me that was in the back of the church busseling dresses, doing hair, etc. But yet, I am always forgotten. btw - I am not looking to be the marter here either. Smile When it came time for pictures, my FD didn't ask to take pictures of our family, including our children. When it came time to take pictures of her sisters, she left my daughter out totally. She wanted a picture of my husband (he was walking her down the isle) and her mom with her. That was fine with me, but she didn't even consider taking a picture with me or with "our family" and her. The only reason she had a picture taken with her and I, is because my mother shouted it out. When she called me up for the picture, it was like "come on then, if you want the picture so bad". My daughter (17) really had her feelings hurt and so did I. My SD even noticed my FD selfishness at the wedding and was pretty upset with her, but I asked her not to say anything to her sister.
It truly hurt my feelings and really I just don't want to do anything for her anymore. I'm tired of going out of my way to please her and always having my feelings compromised. But because I feel that way, I feel like I'm acting like a mad teenage girl. My husband isn't the type of guy to step in the way and let her know that it really hurt my daughter and I, and I don't expect to ever share my feelings with her. Right now, I feel very selfish, but ya know what...I've always been the one there and I'm just now sure I really want to do that anymore. She'll EXPECT me to be there again at Christmas and birthdays, and I just don't think I can do it any more. She is not a tender 13 year old girl anymore...She is a 27 year old woman and could find support from someone else from now on. I would love to hear your feedback. Am I just being ridiculous? or are my feelings justified? UGH I am so frustrated and feeling very underappreciated.
SO SORRY FOR MAKING THIS SO LONG!

maypop's picture

Well, I am certainly not alone. SD is 19, and out of the house now. I think my problem is a little bit different maybe. I think I am the only one who really cares about my SD. Without going into a ton of history, lets just say she is now living in a trailer with a married man going through a divorce, who already has a 2 year old and 1 year old. My SD has a severe cutting problem, and has been in the mental hospital less than 6 months ago. She is now pregnant, and she and her boyfriend are going to keep the baby. SD has no high school diploma, no GED, and has lost 3 or four jobs in the past 5 months. I'm talking Backyard Burgers here.

My husband, her BF, just wants me to quit worrying about it and shut up. He is not concerned, or not concerned enough apparently to try anything but a phone call saying its a bad idea to have this baby right now. Oh, did I tell you SD hates me? She has completely rejected me, and BF and BM have not discouraged her blaming me and projecting her problems onto me. The problems (see above) are only problems because I dare to express a concern about them! By the way, I'm the one who bought her clothes, a bed, food, even to the trailer park (that I did not approve of), car insurance, health insurance, etc.... But, my fears and concerns and opinions don't count. I am bossy and abusive.... BF wants a divorce because I am mad at him and BM for not taking better care of her. Oh well....I tried.

problems's picture

I am a stepparent, and I have been for ten years. I have always given my all for my two-step kids, now 15 yr boy and 19 yr girl. My stepdaughter is the absolute definition of manipulation. Her mother refuses to see this, here is a prime example. Nikki, our daughter, had a car her biological Father purchased for her, it was not a stylish car but who cares, it ran! Well she decided to buy a car from the Dealership because she did not like the car her Father bought her anymore. The vehicle she purchased was a 10,000.00-dollar Jeep Liberty (RED). She received a loan from her bank, I still don't know how the hell this was possible without a co-signer but my wife swears she didn’t co-sign. However, Nikki gets the car and of course, i am angry because i know eventually i am going to have to pay for this decision, one way or another! Sure enough, I did. Nikki SAID she didn’t realize that her tags were going to be extremely expensive; $479.00 expensive. So her mother cried and pleaded to me to help her out, that she was going to collage and she made a mistake (By the way she has a part time job and school is at a Community Collage where she has two classes a day, give me a break). I gave in, but believe me, not without fussing and fighting about it. So wouldn’t you know, not even two months after I dipped into my savings for her tags, her and her deadbeat boyfriend go and get tattoos on both their wrists, costing around a couple of hundred dollars for the artwork. I waited patiently to see what my wife's reaction would be as my step-daughter stupidly flaunted her body-art to her mother as boyfriend did the same...you guessed it, she said nothing except approval of how cool they looked! My jaw hit the floor, how freaken disrespectful you can possibly get? When I asked my wife later why she did not seize the opportunity to educate her daughter on applying some common sense in her spending decisions, especially when other people have been spending their hard earned money on something that if she would have just waited, she could have taken care of herself. My wife said she didn’t want to scare her away. I call bull carp on that, if the kid does'nt want to come around because we can not spend all of our money on her then don't come around...BRAT!!!I had already bailed Nikki out before when she decided at 18 years of age, that her and her boyfriend could make it on their own. Well they couldn’t, he had an affair no job and just flat lazy. She couldn’t afford the rent, by the way, they only lived there one month and couldn’t even pay the first months rent. Now this is right after she graduated and her mother, I, and grandpa gave her and her crappy boyfriend hundreds of dollars. I am so sick of this. I want her out but I do not want to destroy my marriage at the same time, please help me.

I have had it, not worth being disrespected's picture

I can so associate with all of these comments. My husband and I have been married for 9 1/2 yrs now. I am a 47 yr. old Stepmom with no children of my own and of course, I could NEVER understand about being a parent who loves their children. That does not make me a stupid person, or someone who doesn't know right from wrong when it comes to parents who choose to be blind to their biological children's antics. Even at the ages of 26 and 22 yrs. old. Stepson was an ass from the beginning when he obviously was protecting his mother who was the one who had an affair with a co-worker and eventually refused to do any more counselling. (The son and daughter do NOT know why divorce occurred, but it is obvious that their mom bashes their father like he was the one who left, she has very low self-esteem, comes from a rich family background). So they divorced and we met and married 9-10 years later. SD was okay when we first married, but that changed in less than a year when she started high school, and oh yea, of course when she could NOT control me or run the house. Long story similar to others here, so I won't go into detail. College educations were totally paid for, they never had to pay a penny (very wrong, cannot appreciate it enough) the actual Christmas lists contains gifts wanting things that costs hundreds of dollars, yet SS and SD have jobs and they can always seem to have money for what THEY want to do and fly around to visit college friends. BUT somehow, we always seem to NEVER have the money to do what I might want to do. SD (Lisa) still calls her father "Daddy" and her biological mother "Mommy". Now I ask you, is this a 22 yr. old adult or child!? I can answer that one. Last year SD, SS (stepson), and SS's girlfriend (whom I dearly love, really) take father out for his birthday dinner. Lisa orders a meal with corn-on-cob. Lisa DOES NOT eat corn-on-the-cob, so at 21 yrs. old, a college senior, actually asks her dad to "cut" the cornoff the cob like she is a five year old and can't do it! He actually does this in the middle of a restaurant, I was so embarrassed that I had to look away. Now I ask any biological parent who has posted here. Don't you think that is all about getting the attention for herself even at the expense of self-respect? I was appauled! She acts all grown up around her friends, but when she is around her father, she reverts to being child-like and jealous of me. It makes me want to throw up my organs and intestines!! As most of you know, they act pathetically child-like but they NEVER do anything wrong and how could we as step-moms think of their daughters as anything less than the angels from Heaven. Now I will stop and say that I am a God-loving, God-fearing christian, and we have had christian counselling. That made no difference. My hudband and I were both asked to change some things in reference to HIS children, I did, He DID NOT, and even said so in counselling on the next appt. I actually said during our last fight, of course, just before the hoidays (2008) as usually, that the best thing his daughter could do was lose her virginity. That might actaully help her to grow up! Of course, my husband being a late bloomer in that department himself at the age of 24 (she is now 22) and a self professed "stay pure until married" person, my husband was shocked and said that he was proud of her being a virgin (not that he really knows for sure). Come on, ladies, we all can tell when someone female has lost her virginity and I told him as much. Your demeanor definitely changes. I told him that she might actually grow up a little and not treat my husband like her personal boyfriend and lover when this happens. Blah, Blah, Blah......I could go on forever. Just need to vent. Like, when we do go away for holiday, she ALWAYS calls "daddy" on HIS cell (the worst things every invented in my opinion because you have NO idea when all the calls can occur when you are NOT around), and asks (innocently of course) how it is going!? She can't STAND not being the center of attention. That conversation goes on for maybe a minute of so and then she spends the next 10 minutes (or longer) talking about herself. DUH!! You know ladies, how dare your husband spend money on his WIFE and NOT leave and save every penny for his offspring's inheritance even though they would deny that it is NOT about the money. BUT when she goes away for a trip (She lives in Atlanta about 2 1/2-3 hrs away from us now (Thank God in Heaven for that) her "daddy" does NOT call her to interupt her trips. It is WAY TO OBVIOUS how she can't stand NOT being the center of attention, even during my husbands family get togethers. If she is not, it is very obvious to me by way of her body language that she is NOT happy with that!! I made sure, thanks to a friend, that within a year of being married to him that we had a will made. Otherwise, ladies (at least in the state of South Carolina) the ex-wife can take HALF of everything her ex-husband leaves at death for herself!!! NO LIE. NO WAY was I going to be left without something after giving up everything when we got married to be treated like, oh yeah, you know, a pile of poop by his son and daughter and him (you all know how that goes). THE WICKED STEPMOTHER!! I have since told his daughter that I DO NOT like being called or introduced as her stepmother and she actually has complied and introduces me as her Dad's wife. Funny had she doesn't say her "daddy's" wife. Told ya! Only calls him daddy when she is around us! I think that she is actually a little afraid of me now. I told my husband and her that if she had a problem with me being the head female in the household, she needed to talk to God about that because I was not the one to ordaine that. God first, spouse next, then family. No matter if it is a blended family or total biological family together. I grew up with my biological mom and dad in the house and they were married until my father passed away with cancer. Not the most harmonious family (father had an affair) but they stayed together. My brothers and I are definitely neurotic, but we were taught to be independent and work hard. So game over. FREAKING GROW UP!

catscratch's picture

"I told him that she might actually grow up a little and not treat my husband like her personal boyfriend and lover when this happens. Blah, Blah, Blah......I could go on forever. Just need to vent. Like, when we do go away for holiday, she ALWAYS calls "daddy" on HIS cell (the worst things every invented in my opinion because you have NO idea when all the calls can occur when you are NOT around), and asks (innocently of course) how it is going!? She can't STAND not being the center of attention.
I told my husband and her that if she had a problem with me being the head female in the household, she needed to talk to God about that because I was not the one to ordaine that. God first, spouse next, then family. No matter if it is a blended family or total biological family together."

THANK YOU! Child is NOT equal to wife, EVER. When these kids go through life acting like they're equal to the ones who are over them on the pyramid, their children won't be respecting THEM either. What goes around, will come back around with a vengeance!

MAC's picture

I am reading these post and can relate to many. My husband left his wife when his daughter was 4 months old and she was always easy to deal with until she turned to a teenager. We gave her a cell phone for her birthday this year and she uses it to text her mother when she is with us telling her how miserable she is and text us when with her mother begging for us to come and get her. Last night she has now decided she can not sleep alone because she is scared and made a big scene between me and my husband who in all his glory told her she could sleep with me. I do not find this appropriate and told him so in which he proceed to throw a fit a blow an air mattress up so she could sleep in my son's (18 years old) room. I am sure she will go home and play up to her mother how mean I am. No one seems to think this behavior is wrong. I had step parents grow up and my parents did not tolerate us playing games. Help. I am at my wits end with this girl.

TR759's picture

My wife and I have been married for 11 years. I have raised her daughter as my own since she was 4. Certainly her mother and I have gone through a great many trials, but have weathered the storm (of marriage) as I read many of you have (as we all do). My SD claims she hates me (what else is new), claims I am the cause of everything wrong with her, etc., etc. Her mother and I went through 2 seperations in the last 2 years, but in all of our marriage, this SD has been an issue. We've recently reconciled after 10 months of seperation and the SD is calling the shots (again). Her mother is worried she'll move out (as she has threatened) if I move back in. Her mother submits to her daughter as a child does to a mother. When the 3 of us are together, I am invisible. I was invited to dinner with them the other night, but may as well not even been there. I love my wife and she loves me. But when SD gets involved (as she always has been) things go awry. I've come home late from work to find SD in my bed! And when I took issue with this, it was my fault! When I found the SD's MySpace page (a 12 year old claiming she was 18) and thought the picture and post was innapropriate, I was the pervert! (She posed as if to kiss another girl). None of the good I have tried to do with this SD has accomplished what I had hoped. And of course her own father is not in the picture, and has not been for over 9 years. I feel like I'm getting the brunt of her hatred (rejection issues) for him. About a year ago, she told me that I wasn't her father. I agreed with her and asked her where her father was?!?! (I think he was in jail). Of course she ran off crying and I got the "I'm going to kill you later" look from her mother. But a person can only take so much abuse. It has felt like living in a blender, not knowing when SD will push the switch, causing me to have issues with her mother once again. I really want this relationship to work but don't know how to get my wife to put her foot down and get this SD to put up (move) or shut up (stop interferring with our marriage). And while I believe if she was gone this would solve my problem, it would only create one for my wife. I hate this situation. It's beyond my control. And though I've suggested on numerous occassions that we all seek counseling, my requests go out the door (as I may be required to do next). Like I said earlier, we've recently reconciled, about a month, and now the SD thinks we're taking it "too fast" and though I've been home, the SD thinks perhaps a "50/50" living arrangement would be best. This means I may get to stay there every other night, or on weekends, or ??? This is my wife!!! This is my life!!! How can this little $%*#@! continue to interfere with it? Why does her mother allow this? I also have 2 sons from a previous marriage, and while they do not live with me, you can guarantee if I was ever faced with a decision of wife or them, wife would win hands down! It's just wrong.

livingonaslipperyslope's picture

I have lived with this for 2 years as well. I am basically treated the same as you. The only time she is nice to me is when she wants something or her dad is in the room. She is an expert at manipulating her dad, but not me. I take solace in the fact that I am on to her games and don't play by her rules. Her biggest game seems to be trying to come between her dad and I. She keeps hoping I will lose my cool and go off, but I react calmly and with a logical head when talking to her dad about her. I try to stay as neutral as I can. This way he doesn't see me as complaining about her all the time. For her 23rd birthday she and her BM cooked up a birthday dinner for her at a local, expensive restraunt and did not invite me, but dad was expected to pay the tab. My F told her if I wasn't invited he wasn't going. When she talks to him and makes plans for just him, he corrects her and says us (as in he and I). This has helped her to understand that I am his partner and I matter. This came about after the b-day dinner when I wasn't included. I told him that if I was his partner then he needed to stand up for me, that she needed to see us as a united front. He has made an effort in that area and it is encoraging... Nothing is perfect and there are days when she pushes my buttons and I want to strangle her, but I try to stay 1 step ahead of her in her little game. As far as her silent treatment of me, I just talk to her as I would anyone else, I refuse to allow her behavior to change me. She might talk back to me or she might ignore me, but at least I have the satisfaction of knowing that I have done the polite thing. And I know it annoys her...:)

Feel your pain's picture

WOW-- I am there now and have been for 9 years-- I am 30 my stepdaughter is 17-- will be 18 in a few months and i can't wait!!!!!!! I have been with her father for almost 9 years now and she has lived with us the entire time. She has smoked, screwed anyone and stole anything that wasn't nailed down-- last year she decided to "divide and conquer" she went and told my husbands family that I hated them, thought they were trash ect...- his sisters believed her and we have not had a relationship since. Anyways-- her mother abandoned her and she has been able to use this to her advantage-- she plays the "poor pitiful me" role to a tee-- and she really does it well. I am sooooo fed up. I am ready to punch her in the face. After she went and told his family all of her lies, I washed my hands of her. I stopped all contact with her, I stopped doing her laundry, I no longer gave her rides anywhere, no longer took calls from the high school or the police when she got in trouble( which was very often), told her to talk to her dad any time she came to me about ANYTHING. I basically made her dad start raising his brat!! Well after about 6 months of this he decided he couldn't handle her and he put her in a home for kids who can't mind. Of course to his family--this was all my fault-- she nor her father had any role in it at all (even though I stopped having anything to do with her 6 months previously). She was in this home a total of 8 months and she ran away because "she couldn't deal with their rules"-- in other words she couldn't manipulate them into letting her do what ever she wanted!!! Well since she wasn't 18 yet my husband had to go get her and she is now back in our home. she has been here all of 3 weeks and I have honestly lost count of how many lies we have caught her in. We have tryed to work with her by letting her use one of our cars to get back and forth to work--- She has put 2000 miles on it in 2 weeks and has the nerve to look us in the eye and say the only place she has went is to work and back. We are getting used to the max by this manipulative little bitch!!! As I said earlier she will be 18 in under 2 months and I can't wait!! Oh and by the way just last night she cussed one of aunts like a dog because she would not let her use her car. This was one of the same aunts that believed her lies about me last year--- I am glad that they are finally getting to know their niece for the manipulating c**t that she is!!!!!! To all of the step mothers out there--I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!

no name's picture

I'm glad I found this site. My husband of three years has a 8 yr old son from a previous relationship. She and my husband
began a relationship after her divorce, however once she became pregnant, she ended up going back with her first husband! Needless to say testing was done and the child belonged to my husband. Over the years, this child has considered his stepdad as his "real" Dad. My husband gets to see his son
on holidays and 1-2 weeks during the summer.
When he is in our home, he treats my husband more like an uncle then his real dad
This child does not follow rules well and seems to want to visit just because he knows gifts or summer camp will be involved.
His mom claims that she has tried to explain to the child who his real Dad is but it seems like she or her husband have not made a true effort. My husband is a hard working decent man who takes care of his support payments and provides everything else this child needs but yet is getting delected to role of an "uncle" I do not have a close bond with this child but I try when he is with us to be a good stepmom. It is difficult given his behavior and the fact the he is not as close to my husband as he should be. Sometimes I feel that BM and her husband have been very opportunistic about the whole situation. My husband will need to go to court in order to get a firm visitation plan in place as one was never establised. In the meantime, I'm left wondering about how this whole situation will work out over the years. I would like for my stepson's behavior to improve and for him, my husband and I to have a closer
relationship. Any thoughts would be welcome.

lindy's picture

I am not married yet, so I want to know if it ever ends. My 15 year old SD to be is so spoiled. No boundaries, no responsibilities. Her father even takes her food to her room EVERY meal! She can't leave the computer long enough to come downstairs to eat. She isn't any trouble to me because she never leaves her room now, but I try to tell him he is not preparing her for life. He does everything for her. Besides that she is very selfish (and why wouldn't she be?) For the past four years I have tried to get her to go with me to get her Dad a birthday present and she refuses. She refuses to even make him a card on the computer or even tell him Happy Birthday or Happy Fathers day. She has been in trouble for getting involved with older guys online. the last one was 24 and the parents stopped it, but it had been going on for six months because they do not monitor her computer. She would talk on the phone til 3 or 4 in the morning and I would ask "don't you think you should know who she is talking to?" They say they want her to feel they trust her. Even when she got caught they told her they did not blame her even though SHE told the guy she was 19. I don't get it. I know my fiance loves his daughter, but he is a terrible parent. I am worried about my relationship because I can't seem to let it go and I can't see myself living there full time with them. Does it change as they grow older? Does it get worse or better?
he says I should be glad she isn't drinking or doing drugs.

VGER's picture

Well, I have a 17 year old step child that is failing highschool. A husband (their father) who still caters to the kids every whim. I'm just tired of hearing how my child isn't doing enough and needs to be more responsible.
My son needs to get off his butt and get a job or get back in school (college) or both, that's true. But at least he graduated highschool on time. He went to college for a year and decided that he didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't want me to spend money for schooling when he wasn't really sure it was what he wanted or was commited to doing. I thought that was a good, responsible thing for him to tell me. Although I am annoyed that he doesn't seem in a huge hurry to get a job.
Mean while, my step son is failing highschool. And all his father talks about is getting him into driving school. ?????? REALLY???? WTF.
Today I was working in the house an out side the house, my son went to visit his father out of state, so it's just the step children at home right now. Anyway, there they are, laying around in the family room watching movies and tv shows all day. I just told my husband that it bothers me to see them just laying around not helping out at all, and that the least his daughter could do is wash the dishes or something. I may have gone too far by saying he treats her like a queen, she doesn't do anything productive around the house at all. (But truthfully, she doesn't! She sits and read, watches NetFlix, and surfs the internet).
So then my husband tells me "You're just jelous of her."
Well, that's it. I was really hurt and actually angry about that comment. All I was saying is that his kids should do more around the house. They do hardly anything, and when they do actually get off their butts to do something it's just because their father asks them to, like "Would you be able to take the garbage out some time today please?" OMG. And then he'll tell me, "Do you know, so-n-so took the garbage out today?" And I'll be like ... BFD!!! Should we get him a medal or something????? How often do I take out the trash? I clean the yard of dog poop, which his son is actually supposed to do, and I don't get any kind of recognition... nobody thanks me for doing anything... OMG. Anyway, it just seems like he bends over backwards and forwards for his two kids (17 and 20). I mean really, I'm out weeding in the veggie garden, they are in laying around... and my husband goes out to wash his Jeep. But when his daughter wants to hang something on her wall in her bedroom, he rushes to help her do it. If his son wants to put his skatboards on his wall in his room, my husband rushed to help him do that as well.
But when I'm out working in the yard, does he help me? No. He doesn't. I moved all these boxes and equipment for my hobbies up from the dining room to the bonus room, and did he help me with that? No, because he was helping his 20 year old daughter hang a clock up on her wall in her bedroom. WTF.

I'm an idiot.
Oh, I did a little research today. It only costs $ 126.00 to file for un-contested divorce in my state. Smile