I feel like a prisoner in my own home
First of all....I am so happy I found this blog. I feel it's the only thing that has gotten me through the last few months. Here's my story: BF and I have been together since 2011. In 2014, I moved away for work reasons, but we kept our relationship long distance. From 2011 to 2014 everything was perfect. His son did not live with him and we only picked him up on weekends for a few hours. Once I moved away in 2014, his son started having problems at school. At some point, BF decided to have the son go live with him. So by this point, the kid is going to college and they're like roommates I guess. In 2019, BF and I start talking about me moving back home to be together. Mind you, I was absolutely LOVING my life, my job, etc. My own son is already in his 20's and in college, so I have a pretty independent happy life. But, I did miss my BF, so I decided to take a job I don't like to move back where my BF lives. Obviously, by this time COVID hits and the new job, the move back, EVERYTHING was just extremely stressful and complicated. I rented a nice 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom home by the beach, and the BF and his 20-year old son moved in with me. Now, I don't know if it's a combination of things, but as soon as that happened, together with the fact that I'm working from home, I have a job I hate, COVID sucks, and I have no friends, I get extremely depressed and - most of all - extremely angry. My adult SS does NOTHING all day, and I can't even stand the sight of him. Everything he does annoys me. He knows, so he keeps mostly to his room. When he tries to do something (like the dishes) it just annoys me even more for some reason. I can't seem to shake off this feeling that's he's invading my space and intruding in my life. BF gets really defensive whenever I mention this, and our relationship is suffering. I told him I am looking for another job to move out of the city again, which will probably mean the end of the relationship. I truly love my BF, but I am not willing to live with my adult SS anymore. I'm exhausted, confused, angry, and depressed. I'm almost 54 (BF is 49) and the thought of starting yet another job and moving again makes me so mad. Besides, I like where I live right now and I feel that maybe THEY should be the ones moving out. What do you all think? Am I being completely unreasonable?
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Comments
Give your BF an ultimatum: a
Give your BF an ultimatum: a plan for his son to move out or they both do.
Thanks!!! I've been thinking
Thanks!!! I've been thinking about doing this, but hearing it from someone else is confirmation that I should do it.
Agree
I think asking BF to get his son out (or for them to both move out) as soon as possible is totally appropriate given that you said, "I rented a nice 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom home by the beach, and the BF and his 20-year old son moved in with me." In other words, the lease is in your name? Also, you sounded much happier wherever you were living before, so I vote for figuring out where YOU will be the happiest and move in that direction (negotiate out of your lease and find a job and a place where you want to live).... much better than with living with a 20-year old roommate who drives you crazy!
Two things
Having grown children then getting involved with someone who has younger children is the pitts (although 20 isn't exactly young)
Having a younger man isn't all that it is cracked up to be; its flattering for about 15 minutes. In my case, SO is eight yrs younger than me which is somewhat frightening (he may outlive me although i have better genetics)
I would never do it over again. Parents and children who are "buddy buddy" are not my cup of tea.
Yes, they should be the ones
Yes, they should be the ones moving out.
Tell your SO what you told us.
Tell your SO what you told us. For the sake of the relationship, SS needs to move out. Given COVID, and the fact SS does not have a job, it make take a few months for him to move out. See if your SO will come up with a timetable that will work for you. If he does, and SS will do it, you might be able to save the relationship. If SO does not agree, tell them both to move out.
His 20 yo should have grabbed
His 20 yo should have grabbed the opportunity to strike out on his own, not just to follow daddy. Who decided he'd move in in the first place?
Considering you moved in
Considering you allowed the kid to move into your home, I would approach it with SO as - you were thinking you would be okay with it, but are now realizing that you are not, and you can't continue to live in the home with him. I'd give him a reasonable amount of time to get a job and move out (unless he can move tomorrow with his mother or something), and if SO isn't on board, then you go (or they go, whatever works best for you). You will soon find out if he values enabling his adult son more than he values your relationship - but it's also important that you own that you chose to let him move there in the first place.
I would say a few months is
I would say a few months is reasonable. At 20, even with a job, many aren't totally self-supporting. Hopefully thjs man and his son are contributing to OP's bills. Even if they are, they are saving money living with her vs having their own place(s). Some of that savings can go toward helping SS until he acquires a skill ir job which allows him to be self-supporting. And there really has to be a plan for that. College, trade school, an entry level job with room for advancement, a business....something.
Agreed - but roommates are
Agreed - but roommates are still a thing, and if he works full-time and his father/mother help a bit, he should be able to afford an apartment with 2-3 other people (depending where OP lives - here it's completely doable).
Sounds to me like right now, he's just doing nothing at all.
Even if BF has to give SS
Some money each month to live on his own for a few month it would be worth it.
A lot of people are
A lot of people are struggling right now and certainly you have extra stressors to deal with.
I mean, it's not ALL the SS's fault.... him living there is just one of many things that are causing you extra stress.
You don't like your job. You are stuck at home in a place you didn't really want to be anyway.. except for the fact that there was this guy you were dating there. Covid is making everyone extra claustrophobic because people can't get out of the house and move about freely. Oh.. and the cherry on top is that your BF came with with a side order of his son still living at home.. and now that home is your home.
I will be honest here.. it sounds that for many reasons, your relationship with this guy is going to meet it's end. Even if his son moves out.. you still are stuck in a place doing a job that you don't like... and add to that now there will likely be some underlying resentment on your BF's part because you insisted that his son move out. That doesn't sound like a recipe for a happy life really.
If this were truly only about having to share your home with this young adult... I would say.. press on.. work with your BF on a plan for the kid to move.. but it's not.. you have other real issues you are dealing with here....unless you see your BF willing to uproot his life to follow you.. maybe it's better to agree that it just isn't meant to be?
It's sounds like on top of
It's sounds like on top of feeling regret for leaving your last job and being secluded is starting to become an issue. I think instead of focusing on SS, you should evaluate why you are not happy or feeling fulfilled and try to make changes to address that. Leaving your job and the life you had for this guy sounds like it wasn't what you expected it to be.
Thank you!!!!!
Thank you ALL for the great advice. Sorry I've been MIA, but my work is covid-related and I've been working 24/7. Yes, I need to take some responsibility for this mess. And I agree, I don't need to stay in this relationship. I'm a self-sufficient professional and I certainly don't need this headache.
THANKS for letting me vent and for sharing your thoughts <3