I have been married to my DH for 20 years and we have been together for 22 years. My SDs have been in my life for all that time and over the years we have weathered very mean problems and very many storms. Their BM was a bit of a fruitcake and many times we had to "rescue" them from various incidents; there always seemed to be some "other man" in their lives... the BM was the one who ended the marriage by having an affair (one of many) and I met and started dating their father after they had been divorced for almost two years. In the early days it seemed fine but the BM often seemed to cause problems with visitations etc, we had the girls every Wednesday evening and every second weekend without fail. We never left them with sitters and always gave them lots of time and attention. I was only 32 years old my two sons went to live with their father in Canada, a mutually acceptable arrangement by us all, it was very sad time for me but I coped with it the best way I could. The girls as they got older seemed to grow more resentful of me. DH and I discovered by the time they were teens that the mother had been leaving them alone at nights when they were very young, they were afraid of her and her temper although we don't know if there was ever anything more than verbal abuse! We bought them a flat as they did not want to leave their home town and the oldest girl was getting ready for university in any case and they wanted to stay where their friends were. Not what we really wanted but they did not want to come live with us. Over the years we have been accused of so much, not caring, not doing enough, not supporting them, not being there for them! Everything that I am sure you all have heard many many times! I especially have been accused of so much but as they were children, teens and then young adults we always hoped that it would ease off as they became older and eventually married and had families of their own! It seems to us that it has only gotten worse as they have gotten older. When the older SD was arranging her wedding, it was me who did all the arrangements, dress, catering, the whole thing... always there at the end of the phone.. daddy there with the cheque book. Second daughter it was the same. Grandchildren came along and again we were there with the financial help where necessary. These two girls had deposits for homes given to them to get them on the property ladder and now live in lovely 3 and 4 bedroom homes in a large part due to the fact that we helped them in the early days. When eldest SD wanted to go back to work, I offered to watch her son which I did for a year and then there was another huge argument and that was it I wanted to just take a step back and just get off this horrible rollercoaster of being the constant punch bag every time they wanted to take a meltdown and blame me for everything... the oldest SD blames me for absolutely everything. I have to Bio grandchildren who live in Canada and so far as she is concerend I have only an interest in them and not interested in her two sons... it is my fault for absolutely everything that happened to them when they were children! They continually say that they had the worse childhood ever! And of course what we now get is that they will never treat their children the way we treated them! Apparently I made them so unwelcome when they came to our home, I never did anything to them but just made them feel unwelcome! I have done the usual stuff, made big family dinners, welcomed their boyfriends and then husbands into the family, gone out of my way to show them that I cared for and loved them! We have had so many big blow ups over the years that I am now so sick of it! After the big blow up last summer I said to my DH that I was done and that I just wanted to stay out of her life (eldest SD) as it was too hurtful to be in her life! DH also gets accused of much of the same things and they have had major arguments and fights too but he gives in to her and because of the children he says he cannot stay away as he wants to be in his grandsons lives! Anyway by September she said that she did not want this and would I consider trying to patch things up... I said that I would (she was just about to give birth to the second baby at that point) so I have been trying to re-build the relationship knowing all along that really for the most part that she has been paying lip service to me and just not being totaly honest but then neither have I, as I have really been doing all of this to try and keep my DH happy so he can have a relationship with his grandsons! Anyway five weeks ago it all blew up again, a silly phone call and she hung up on me and again I am accused of all sorts of things relating to the past! I cannot win in this situation and I have decided I need to stay away. But I do not get to see my lovely step-grandsons because of this and my husband feels he must continue having a relationship with her in order to see his grandsons. How do I deal with this. I feel that my husband is just forgiving her constantly for the hurt that she has caused me and I feel betrayed! I am an absolute mess. I love my husband and we have always had a wonderful relationship and I don't want this to come between us, but it is! I am on the verge of walking away as we are both hurting so much! BTW my two sons have never been a problem in our marriage, and both of my boys love their SD very much and have a great deal of respect for him. We have a very good relationship and I travel to Canada to see my family there 3 or 4 times a year and I get along very well with my sons' partners!

Please please if someone has some advice I would love to hear it. I have made an arrangement to go see a psychological therapist next week as I need someone to help me deal with this finally and to put it to rest! I want to walk away but the fact that my DH continues to have a relationship with this horrid young woman is killing me!