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Move on or stay

jeanedz's picture

Been dating my boyfriend long distance since January of 2014. Lots of phone calls, skype and trips half in between or taking turns one flying to see the other.
I moved from Florida to Alaska in August so we could be closer.

My 4y/o son loves my BF and vice versa.

My issue is his kids. He has been divorced from the kids mom since the girl was 2 y/o and the boy 4 y/o.

Bf's son is 10y/o is diagnosed ADHD, BF refuses to give his son his meds when he comes for his visits every other weekend.
This makes the weekends miserable. Along with the issue that there is more than just ADHD wrong with his son. Nothing diagnosed but he has very odd behavior and behaves like he is Autistic. Having worked in Pediatrics in the medical field for over 20 yrs I have a very good idea when things aren't right. BF agrees that something is off about his sons behavior but says the ex refuses to take Son to Dr to get eval. I tell him to take his son to the Dr himself. He says he doesn't want his son on meds.

BF daughter is 8. She is in general very rude unless she wants something. She is very demanding, has no manners, tells her dad her mom tells her she doesn't have to listen to him. She thinks it's hysterical to fart loudly at the dinner table and announce "I farted" and laugh like she is 3 y/o. She expects presents every time she comes over and gets made if she doesn't get something.
Both refuse to eat the majority of the things we eat, none of their issues are allergy related, I refuse to cook them special meals, so my BF ends up making them their own meal.

Then there is the hygiene issue, both kids always come to the house reeking of BO, the 10 boy has to have his dad stand in the bath room while he showers to make sure he actually gets in the water and uses soap. We caught him turning on the water and dumping some on the body wash in the shower stream as he stood out of the reach of the water at the back of the shower. My BF has to smell his hair after each shower to make sure he has used shampoo. The boy will wear the same clothes this includes underwear everyday of his visit if his dad isn't paying attention.
The girl says, she doesn't have to wash her hair, that it's bad for it to wash it, she has hair almost to her waist. She is also bad about wearing dirty clothes all the time. My BF has to go in the bathroom and checking her hair after she gets out of the shower for the same reasons.
If we didn't insist that they take showers when they come over I'm not sure when these kids would get showers.
When we ask them when did you last wash your body and hair, they really have to sit and think about it, then the answer is usually 4 or 5 days ago. I demand that they shower before they climb into the nice clean linens on their beds.

This past weekend both his kids came into the house I share with their dad and I greeted them both and all I got was a yeah from the boy. The girl walked directly in my path and cut me off and never responded to my greeting.
She then went to her room without ever speaking to myself or my son who was so excited to see them both.
The boy stays in his room playing his handheld video game constantly unless forced to put it up, he is obsessed.
Besides the being rude there are other behavior issues, that I can't stand. I guess one of my biggest issues is I have noticed my 4 y/o is starting to copy their behavior because he sees them getting away with it. So it has gotten to the point that they are a negative influence on him.
I have taken to staying in my bedroom for the majority of the time they are at the house for the weekend, or I am taking my son to do things without them because I can't stand being around them. This past weekend my BF asked me if I was avoiding spending time with his kids, I told him yes.

When I talk to my BF about some disciple and setting some rules and boundaries he says that he only has a limited time with them and he won't ruin that time trying to fix what their mom has done to them. I have told my BF if he won't do something about their behavior I will have to find alternate living arrangements because I can not allow his kids to continue to affect my sons behavior in a negative way.

SO I guess my question is it best to move on or try and stick it out and try to help?
I have to admit that the thought of leaving him and his kids behind doesn't bother me one bit.

I am thinking it is best to remove these kids from my 4 y/o life.
Any opinions?


jeanedz's picture

I agree with you that I moved too quickly,
Things were going well of course that was without the kids being involved other than conversations about them to each other.
The trips back and forth were planned on off weekends.
Thank you for your honesty

Disneyfan's picture

So you uprooted your son and moved crossed country without knowing how this guy parented, if all the kids got along or if your son connected with your BF? :jawdrop:

jeanedz's picture

Yes and No, we had discussed disciple and expectations of behavior and many other facets of rearing children many times.
Of course what one says and what one does are def not always the same.
Having grown up together and gone to school together for many years (which I did forget to mention) and knowing his family and back ground I thought I knew more about him and how he would parent than I really did.
Which I am finding out,
Def seeing that I made mistakes in this thats for sure.
I felt so comfortable with making this decision because I had known him for years and we had reconnected and decided to try and date and we had clicked.

Disneyfan's picture

I agree with Stacey. As I read this, I kept thinking forget about his kids, what about your kid??? I was also wondering about yoursson's relationship with his dad and. His family.

jeanedz's picture

My son has limited access to his dad at this time due to safety issues.
The ex left our then 3 y/o alone in his apartment to go get booze.
I had gone to pick our son up from his visitation with dad and found the apartment door unlocked and my son sitting on the couch watching Lego movie all alone. When dad returned he was so drunk he was swaying as he stood.
I had waited for him to return so that he knew I had our son.
Contact and visitation is open with his Grandparents on dads side of family.
We make trips to visit them or they come here.

jeanedz's picture

Excellant advice and I will share it with my BF.
He chooses to never make them do anything because he doesn't want to ruin his time with them.
Yet, he is great with enforcing bedtime and all the rules I have my son follow's so he knows it works and that kids do great with structure.

BethAnne's picture

If your BF doesn't want to try to change then it will likely only get worse. If he tried and really started disciplining it could make a big difference in the kids behavior but it has to be done wholeheartedly, consistently and soon. To me, it doesn't sound like he would do that.

Shaman29's picture

"He says that he only has a limited time with them and he won't ruin that time trying to fix what their mom has done to them."

If I had a freaking nickel every time I've heard that piss-poor excuse, I'd be a rich freaking woman. And I've only been a SM since 2007.

You're 100% correct regarding how important it is for him to teach them manners and appropriate life behaviors in the short time they're with him. It doesn't have to be negative lessons, although, because he waited so long it will be negative lessons at the beginning. He is doing his kids a huge disservice by not teaching them important life tools.

"I have told my BF if he won't do something about their behavior I will have to find alternate living arrangements because I can not allow his kids to continue to affect my sons behavior in a negative way."

You've drawn your line in the sand here. You already know the answer to your question.

My question is, are you prepared to follow through on your word? Are you ready to move out and move on with your life if he fails to step up as a parent?

I believe you are because you're worried about what your own kid is soaking up, and you want him to learn about boundaries and respect for others. And when to walk away when someone refuses to respect those boundaries.

A move from FL to AK is a huge culture shock and I wish you all the very best.

jeanedz's picture

That is an interesting view, and if he was happy I would have to agree.
I tend to think he is not happy with their behavior because he complains about when they are and aren't with us.
Either that or he is just complaining to complain.
I do not think teaching a child to say please and Thank you should be a huge task or an unrealistic expectation.
Simple manners should not be a battle ground.

Disneyfan's picture

Saying the right things in order to keep the nanny you have the luxury of sleeping with from leaving, doesn't mean you have an issue with the way your kids behave.

furkidsforme's picture

I think he moved you in because you are a Nanny he can fuck. Of course he knows there is a problem. of course he doesn't want to be the bad guy. Didn't you get the memo that was YOUR job? Go on, replacement Mommy, go parent those kids!!!! (read with intended sarcasm)

blindsided idiot's picture

I used to come here for support, I come on last night and find this looking through to see if I could find some help, I'll be damned, it's me, I'm the Disney dad that you're talking about.
I see things a lot differently, to start with, YOU'RE MARRIED. I offered a place for you to stay so you could get on your feet after such a move. And as far as the nanny I can fuck, those roles are completely reversed. I do 90% of the cooking and cleaning. Neither you nor your son has had a damn thing to worry about since you've been here.
You're right on one count though, what one says and what one does are two completely different things. Damn this hurts.

blindsided idiot's picture

You are absolutely correct, however, I am not doing anything out of guilt. I am dealing with a case of PAS as it is.
I also know that one can't expect to walk right in and start barking orders before you even know the kids.
What I want to knowis, what exactly is one to do when their absolute dead level best is never quite enough?

blindsided idiot's picture

Believe me, I didn't "move her in" she does what she wants, when she wants, and how she wants.