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What do we tell the other kids

Jcksjj's picture

So my biggest questions right now regarding the whole situation with SD and PAS are:

1. How will this end up playing out in the long run?

2. What do we tell the younger kids?

Obviously no one really knows the answer to number 1. But as far as question 2, I can't really find any info about PAS regarding siblings. I'm sure DS3.5 will be asking soon as he already asks where she is once in awhile (even though SD doesn't even respond to him when he says hi).

Comments

CallMeCrazy's picture

You just tell them that she is at her mother's house and you're not sure when she'll visit again. No need to play into the drama about PAS and how it's all SD and BM's fault, etc, to children. Your role is to protect them from the awfulness of this world, not drag them into it.

shellpell's picture

If you're lucky, the younger kids will barely remember her. I agree with PP, just say she's at her mom's house. Eventually they'll stop asking and forget.

Jcksjj's picture

Yeah thats what I told DS3. I just figured at some point he would also ask why she doesn't come over. I guess we'll see.

justmakingthebest's picture

There will come a day tthat DS3 does ask 'Why doesn't SS come here?" - that is going to be the hard one. We had to have those talks with my kids over the years regarding SSstb17. 

My kids didn't understand why someone who seemed to like them when he was here would just ghost them and hurt DH so badly. We did tell them the truth about it, but DD was probably around 10-11 then. We just told them (and SS21- then 18) that BM2 wants to hurt DH so badly that she has turned SS into a tool to do that. It is sad but it isn't his fault. 

As the years have gone on and they are all older, they know that it is his fault at this point too, there is just nothing to be done about it. 

SeeYouNever's picture

I am so worried about this. My kids are a baby and toddler and SD is a teen. She is so into them when she's here but wants nothing to do with them or us when she isn't. 

I would rather SD not come at all than to show up and shower my kids with fake performative love them ghost for a few months. For SD it's all about the act for DH.

CastleJJ's picture

Try looking up: "How to talk to young kids about family estrangement" since that is the broader umbrella topic here. When you research PAS, it only talks about the child being alienated and the parents' roles as alienator and alienated; it never really explains the ripple effect or how to explain it to others. 

Dogmom1321's picture

My SD11 also wants nothing to do with our son (6 months old). She sounds similar. Doesn't acknowledge him etc. I'm sure when DS is older he will have questions. I'm hoping to keep it as brief as possible. I feel like the response "She has a different Mom" could cover MANY of the questions they would ask. 

shellpell's picture

Yes, having a different mom is a big deal. It's something that a lot of people (on here too) seem to disregard as important and act as if they are regular sibilings from an intact family. But is it very important that I am mother to my two and skid has his own mother. Half-siblings through the father are generally not as close as ones through the mother, as they are usually living with the mother most of the time too.

Jcksjj's picture

Strongly agree. SD does not see them as her brothers because it's not her moms kids. They won't have many of the shared experiences siblings have also. ODS on the other hand, sees them as his brothers because he lives with them fulltime. I'm sure it won't be the same relationship as the younger two, but moreso because of the age gap.

Harry's picture

You are DS mother not SS mother. You must raise and have DS welfare as the most important things or you.  If SS doesn't want to come over not your problem.   DS will see him as a older cousin not a brother.  
It's up to DH to make sure SS saids hello good by and be a " person" if SS can not be a " person"  then he not allowed in your home.  DH can see him outside the home because he  will not parent SS. 
Don't make excuses for SS. He at BM home.  Too bad that he missing our fun day at the zoo 

Mamabearof3's picture

My 5 and 7 year old are being raised Christian so we just use SD situation as an example of why to wait for marriage and be selective in a partner. We tell them DH and SD mom don't get along or agree on how to raise children. And we pray for SD and her moms family together as well sometimes. 

Mamabearof3's picture

I will say they do know and remember spending time with SD though. And our oldest complained a lot about SD whose much older than him having less responsibility or expectations regarding behavior etc. Not having her over has gotten rid of that issue anyways. 

Jcksjj's picture

Not religious myself, but strongly strongly agree on teaching the kids to be selective about who their partners are. People do dumb things and make mistakes, but picking the wrong person to have kids with is one of those mistakes that has potentially life changing effects and there's no going back.

I wish I would've had that explained to me more instead of just that God and society don't like it.

Ispofacto's picture

Little kids assume that families have the same mommy and daddy.  So they need to know that you are not SD's mommy.  Just tell them SD lives with her mommy.  When they get older, you can tell them that SD's mommy doesn't let her come over.

I babysit my GD sometimes.  My neighbor's little girl kept asking to play with my her.  I finally had to explain to her that GD doesn't live here.  She seemed confused at first.  I explained that I'm GD's Grandma, and she visits here sometimes.

 

Felicity0224's picture

I've sort of trickle-truthed about the whole situation with my DD. In pre-school years we would just say that "sisters have another mommy and sometimes they need to be with her." During really contentious times with my SDs when they refused to come over we would tell DD that they schoolwork that needed to be done at their mom's.

By the time she was 5 she was asking to go to BM's house  to see SDs (she called it "sisters other house") with enough regularity that I finally told her "BM is not my friend and you cannot go to the home of someone who I'm not friends with." That satisfied her for a while, and then she wanted to know why we weren't friends and I said as little as possible for as longs as I could get away with it.

She's almost 8 now and about a month ago I flat-out said, "BM has been very unkind to your dad and me and she sometimes gets jealous and has tried to make your sisters feel bad about spending time with any of us. Your sisters love their mom very much, as they should, so it would be best if you didn't discuss this with them. I'm sure it would hurt your feelings if someone told you that I was unkind, right?"

She was pretty happy with this, though she really couldn't understand why a mom would try to make her kids feel bad. On that I just told her that some people are hurt inside and that causes them to try to hurt others and it's okay to acknowledge that but you still have to keep distance between yourself and people like that. 

The_Upgrade's picture

If she's 8 years old then I'm sure by now she'll have met some unpleasant kids at school. What is the reason why these kids choose to act unpleasant? Sometimes we have an answer, sometimes we don't. Just tell her to imagine BM is one of these kids grown up.

advice.only2's picture

We had Spawn full time so when she moved out her senior year my BD was still pretty young at the time, she asked when Spawn was coming back and I was honest.  I told her that Spawn had decided to go live with her grandmother and that for now she wouldn't be coming over to visit.  BD was devestated at first and I allowed her the time to cry and be upset, after a few weeks BD began telling us the mean things Spawn would do to her when we weren't around, and even now at 15 BD wants nothing to do with Spawn.  It's sad for sure, but when you are a sh@tty person and treat your loved ones like sh@t what can you expect.

Thumper's picture

Some parents never recover their adult kids. That is a reality of "Parental Alienation".

What do you tell the other kids....?

The truth. What ever the factual truth is.

Leave out adult emotions.

JMO

**focus on you're bio kids, they deserve it**