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Supporting spouse during PAS

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Mon, 08/16/2021 - 8:34pm

Any tips for supporting DH through the PAS of SD? Despite having kids, I really can't imagine ever being in his position. Also, I suspect that SDs behavior is going to continue going downhill quickly, so I'm sure he'll end up dealing with SD being a loser like BM as she gets older also.

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Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Mon, 08/16/2021 - 9:24pm

I just listen. I try not to give advice even if asked because it always blows back on me.

I don't try to fix it or provide direct help.

But I don't take frustration directed at me or anger at me because I can't do anything.

The last thing I did was tell him I couldn't help, I don't know what he wants from me if listening isn't enough and provided him a therapist's name who has experience with PAS.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Tue, 08/17/2021 - 5:37am

Advice for him: It is ok to let go. As much as it hurts, it is ok.

Advice for you: Back away from the drama. I am a fixer. It is what I do and who I am. PAS can't be fixed unless the alienating parent is out of the picture. FULLY. It has taken me a LONG time to figure that out and I am still struggling with the bias of family court, how much the system fails families and that even an older teen can't see it. 

Just be there to be a sounding board for him and let him know that you love him and support him.

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Tue, 08/17/2021 - 12:10pm

Yes, I'm a fixer too. And the opposite of DH as far as I want to dive in head first to tackle problems. 

ExhaustedByItAll's picture

Submitted by ExhaustedByItAll on Tue, 08/17/2021 - 5:49am

Just do a google search for parental alienation and grief, there are a lot of articles that can help figure out where he is at and where he may be heading emotionally. 

Real time, just listen, try not to say anything bad about SD (even if he does, don't chime in, he'll probably get defensive), but make sure he knows your boundaries and he doesn't take his grief out on you. Try to have other things to talk about and for him to focus on, that helped a lot during the worst of it for us. It cannot become the end all be all, all that he thinks and talks about. If it starts going that way, an experienced counselor is about all that can help.

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Tue, 08/17/2021 - 12:13pm

I'm failing at not saying anything bad about SD tbh. I went off about her pretty hard after reading the message from BM with SDs complaints about our house 

ExhaustedByItAll's picture

Submitted by ExhaustedByItAll on Tue, 08/17/2021 - 8:52pm

It's really hard at times, and no matter how badly she treats him and you, he still loves her and probably has hope that his daughter will be his daughter again someday. It's really hard to hear nothing but negative comments about someone you love, even if they are being a complete and utter nasty twat (and that's putting it mildly).

Try to focus on her behavior and not label her but label the behavior. Recent one here: "SStween will not pick up his food and garbage after himself, he will not listen to me and is being rude. I need you to address this, I will not clean it up and I will not take him anywhere or do anything with him until he apologizes and starts picking up." Instead of, "SStween is a messy, lazy, entitled brat who treats me like his servant." I know that's minor compared to what you're dealing with, but focusing on the behaviors seems to get through better to DH though because it doesn't come across as a battle where I'm attacking SS.

Thats's just in talking to him and being supportive of what he's going through, vent away on here and call her whatever you want!! My SS is an entitled, lazy, dickhead, my DH knows this, he's said it himself, he just doesn't want to hear it all the time!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Tue, 08/17/2021 - 2:25pm

BioHo successfully PAS'd (and step-PAS'd) the SDs for a time - 'Ho never could get the SSs on her side. Admittedly, I was pretty darn upset for both of us, but did my best to keep my feelings out of it and simply be a sympathetic sounding board. 

As mentioned above, Listen and don't say anything bad. The only advice I gave to my DH was "don't chase them and keep being you". DH's relationship with the SSs was wonderful. In fact, it was the SSs who actually stood up for DH and me when the SDs were slinging accusations and repeating BioHo's lies. The SSs maintained that neither of us had ever said one bad thing about 'Ho AND that things 'Ho told the SDs were complete lies. It was a big turning point. 

Jcksjj, you say you're failing at not saying anything bad. Make the effort to stop doing that Today. I know it's not easy, but taking the high road now means things won't bite you in the butt later. {{hugs}}