Special treatment for skids
For anyone who has some kids living in the home part time and some fulltime - have you had issues with special treatment for the part timers? How have you addressed it if you did? Anything that actually worked??
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I wouldn't say special
I wouldn't say special treatment for the PTers. They just have different rules than my FTer.
FTer is my DD13. Her rules are set up for her, and in some ways they're well more generous than those for the skids (who are PTers). But her rules fit her needs and will make sure that she learns what I/we think she needs to learn to be an adult and are built on her strengths and weaknesses. She's a critical thinker, the first to challenge rules that don't make sense, etc.
Skid rules are MUCH less nuanced because they can't handle it. SS9 needs very black and white rules, or he can't function. SD14 lacks critical thinking skills, so hers are pretty rigid, too.
We've always been really open about the fact that there are differences and we actively talk about equity (each getting what they need) vs. equality (each getting the same). None of the kids are complaining about their treatment with us. And we're guided by the idea that we have nothing to hide, we we're pretty transparent about things with the kids.
That all sounds reasonable to
That all sounds reasonable to me and probably the same as in a nuclear family. My issue is more that with DS DH defaults to being way more nitpicky and automatically assumes hes misbehaving whereas with SD his default reaction is assuming she has a good reason for things and gives her much more leeway. I can tell which one he is talking to just by hearing his side of a convo without knowing which kid it is. For instance, SD came down an hour after bedtime wanting water and I knew it was her because he said okay and let her get a drink whereas with DS he would have yelled at him no go to bed.
Do you think he has higher
Do you think he has higher expectations for DS vs SD? I kow we were probably harder on my younger SD.. because she had more potential.
Also, it might be more of a gender difference too.. DH is harder on a boy vs a girl.
I kind of think it's the
I kind of think it's the opposite. He just assumes that SD is doing things right and DS is doing things wrong. So he yells at DS sometimes before he even does things. Also he feels really really guilty when he does get fed up with SD and tries to make up for it way too hard which doesnt happen with DS. With SD he always tries to come up with excuses when she misbehaves also. I can see the gender thing being part of it. MIL is way softer on SIL then DH and babies the heck out of her even though shes the older sibling.
It sounds like he definitely
It sounds like he definitely could have picked up on the vibe that girls needed to be softer.
Ironically he constantly
Ironically he constantly criticizes his own parents for doing that with his sister.
My SD has no chores. She
My SD has no chores. She gets a free pass on bad behavior. DH makes excuses for any shortcomings. I could go on and on. I tell my kids that I am not her mother, if they have a problem with fairness talk to their dad.
Though, I honestly think my kids have it better. I am way more involved with them than BM and DH are with SD put together. I think doing chores and taking care of your living area makes you a happier person, and because their bad behavior is called out, they’re just generally nicer kids to be around.
Ok, I don't have any kids,
Ok, I don't have any kids, but here's what I see. Special treatment of skids, 50% custody:
* OSD can decide to leave DH's home any time and never speak to him with no ramifications (to date...hopefully that will change in the near future).
* No Chores because that would be "expectations."
* Constantly need adult to arrange friend meet-ups because they don't know how to arrange this with their friends at school or call their friends on the weekend (my sister and I were always arranging these things, then we'd ask our parents who would then confirm/deny the plans but they didn't do the arranging after we were in middle school/Jr. High). I already told DH I'm not helping with this any more as YSD is perfectly capable of doing this.
* No ramificaitons for bad behavior or talking back. They just get upset and go to their room.
* No parental control over thier bedrooms (not so much an issue with YSD, she's a bit of a hoarder but it's clean OSD was filthy). "It's their space, I don't want to disrupt that...etc., etc., etc."
* No understanding of how to do basic cleaning jobs. Because DH uses thier shared space as well, so it's not fair for them to also clean it.
* Not making them go with us on basic household errands like grocery store or other places. "They will be bored" rather than teaching them that it's a part of freaking LIFE.
...I could go on...
I realized you added how did I handle it? I've tried everything: talking with DH, examples, hard lines, anger, frustration, clean sweeps, nothing helps but me disengaging and handling what I want to handle (and what I will not leave behind, like moldly food in bedrooms) and only that. Let DH do it.
My DH was raised by a father
My DH was raised by a father that held him to a much stricter standard than his younger sisters. FIL's enmeshment with his adored daughters damaged all of his kids. My DH has had esteem issues his whole life, as well as anger and a preference for negative attention.
You have a duty to your child to raise him well so he will go on to realize his potential and be a good citizen. Growing up in an environment where he is picked on by a same sex adult is going to damage his self worth, so you need to take steps to fix this ASAP.
Seek out marriage counseling to see if you and your H can get on the same page. House rules need to apply to all kids in the home. And develop an exit strategy, so you can get you and yours away if the dynamic is unhealthy.
That's actually exactly what
That's actually exactly what I told my DH last night is that not only is that dynamic furthering SDs entitlement, but its causing my son self esteem issues because one child is being treated as inheritantly better than the other regardless of what's actually going on behavior wise. Dh basically said he wasnt trying to do that and doesnt realize he is doing it or know why. Which maybe true or may be a cop out, idk. He really is absolutely terrible at reading people and situations but at the same time I think if he actually put the effort in he could come up with at least some insight into what's going on in his head when he does it. That's basically why I'm looking to see if anyone here had a DH that actually worked through it.
He can't work through it
He can't work through it alone. He needs help. Could be a support group for stepparents (for you both) and/or counseling, but he lacks the tools and understanding to do it on his own.
Child of divorce are held to
Child of divorce are held to a lower standard than his son who lives with him full time. Just a guess.