That is awful and I am so sorry for your son.

I think he needs to go to the funeral, to get at least a little closure, and to say good-bye. I think it will be a huge regret (for both of you) if he doesn't go.

I am so sorry to hear. as Hereiam stated he will need to go to the funeral to say goodbye and receive closure. all you can do is be there for him during this time and help him through this. perhaps grief counselling is a good option.

May God heal both you and ODS10

Ugh. I'm so sorry, both for your son and for you. I'm sure you have a wealth of different emotions going on right now.

Just want to send support, and offer a bit of pragmatic info - your son is now eligible for Social Security Survivor Benefits. I don't have in-depth knowledge of how that is calculated, but in the early eighties my mother received almost $400 per month for me.

((Hugs))

If possible, please take him to the funeral. At ten he may resent not going. 

Even though your son has not seen him in years, he will grieve the loss of his dad. The hospice here does a grief group for children and the parent does not have to have been on hospice for children to attend. You might consider seeing if there is a similar program where you live.

And as exjuliemccoy said, check into Social Security survivor benefits for your son. If his dad worked the required quarters, your son is entitled to the benefits. Even if you are not sure that he worked enough, gather the required information and apply. The worst they can say is no, and they will never say yes unless you apply.

I can say I lost my father when I was 12 years old, my brother was 10, and my twin sisters were 8.  I also probably hadn't seen him since I was probably 8 when he passed away in a car accident.  He was abusive and an alcoholic and my mom would PAS us.  I had clear memories of him beating her and me.  I was six when he tied her to a pink chair with rope and savagely beat her and my mom left him for the last time.  My mom worked at Winn Dixie and if he found what town we were in, he would hide out in the parking lots of Winn Dixie and would find her when she would go to her car and wold beat her then we would move.  I went to 12 different schools until he died.  That said when he died, I felt terrible conflict.  Terrible conflict.  #1) I couldn't or didn't want to cry or show emotion to my mother about it because she did PAS us against him and any sign of love for him she didnt understand so we weren't allowed to openly grieve.  I remember just crying whenever I was in the shower.

2) We didn't go to the funeral.  It was open casket and the car had landed on him and she thought that would very traumatic for us.  So when I was 15 we did go visit his grave on a trip to see my grandmother,his mother.  That helped.  I felt I could say goodbye and get some closure.

3) we struggled financially and when he died we got social security money for him and that helped us.

My brother who was 10 at the time doesn't speak of our father EVER.  My sisters do.  

So I would just hug him a lot and give him permission to grieve and probably go to the funeral.  I kinda wish I had.   

I'm sorry to hear this. Regardless of their relationship, this will be a complicated emotional time for your son, who is still a little young to know how to manage complicated emotions. 

My friend's stepson (now son, since she adopted him) lost his mother around the same age due to a drug overdose. He had seen her sporadically for years due to her drug addiction. He already felt complicated emotions about her, which his father (my friend's DH) largely ignored. My friend successfully convinced her DH to put the kid in counseling. 

I am sorry to hear this, and yes, I would let him go to his Dad's funeral.  My ExH passed away in January of this year, and I went to the funeral myself,  to support my 2 daughters there.  Admittedly they are much older than your son, but same principle.  

Jcksjj, how about you?  What are you  feeling? When I heard my ex had died, I had such complicated feelings.  I hadn't seen or spoken with him in years but felt so confused.  He abused his body for years with drugs and alcohol and died of cirrhosis of the liver.  He was a deadbeat dad to my DS and DD.  I relived the regret I felt at the time of the split - the contrast between our early, fun years and the traumatic divorce.  I finally decided I was realizing that we would never resolve our differences, not that it would ever have happened anyway, but death makes us feel odd things.  I'm wishing the best for you and your son at this sad time.

Social Security death payments from his father.  You must apply for him.  At least $400 something a month depending on how much he was making    And Medicare medical insurance until 18 or finish high school 

from alcohol abuse.  He too did not pay CS nor hold down a job since we split (he went on welfare).  I did not PAS out Awesomeson despite the fact that he used to beat me.

I went to the funeral with Awesomeson and also DD, Awesomeson's older half sister, went to support him.

He was 12 yrs older than me.  I was able to get SS survivor's benefits for about a year until Awesomeson turned 18.

Very sorry for your son's loss.

I would definitely have him go the funeral.  Does he have any connection with his family on his father's side? He might be able to establish one, which would be nice for him going forward.

I'd also consider therapy for him, he's had it hard with a father who had an addiction and now died. It puts him at high risk of addictive behaviors himself.

Sorry.  Drug addiction is such a tragedy for loved ones.

Take care of your self.

I think it would be a good idea for your son to go to the funeral to get closure but only if his dad's family are half way sane.  It will do him no good if they use the funeral to exhibit disfunctional behaviour.  I'm thinking excessive drinking, family feuds, etc.  If you think it will be a s***show, don't let him attend.  Instead have your own small service to mark his dad's passing.  Maybe something like having your son releasing a ballon with a message and then everyone saying a few words and a prayer or a meaningful poem if not religious.  

That's awful. I am so sorry for your son's loss and agree that he should attend the funeral. While you son has not seen his father in so many years, this could give him a sense of closure. Please get him counseling.

How are YOU doing, Jcksjj? You might also benefit from some counseling. I have no idea how you're feeling and can only imagine how *I* would feel - anger that he ignored his child and chose drugs, which surely contributed to his death.

Prayers and {{{hugs}}}. 

I would show compassion and be truthful with your boy..

 This is hard and I am so sorry.

Oh no, Oh no. That's horrible. My kids were 18 and 20 when their dad passed away. He always had substance abuse problems and killed himself at age 47. The kids were not completely estranged from him but he was distant from them. He also had an older daughter who he had been estranged from him 18ish years and she traveled 20+ hours to come to his funeral and see her brothers who she hadn't seen since they were babies. She came against her mother's wishes and it was her mother who insisted he have nothing to do with her and she made it impossible for him to fight. His daughter came to me as I knew her a child so she felt comfortable with me and said I always thought I'd be able to have a relationship with him but I guess now it is too late...poor thing. Anyway the funeral would be a good idea for your son. My ex tried to talk with his daughter over the years and was shut down repeatedly either by BM or his daughter herself. She regretted it but was glad to say goodbye at his funeral and see his children, her brothers. We still keep in touch with her. She is my favorite SD even though BM was CRAZY CRAZY.

Please give you son the opportunity to mourn. I'm going to PM you my email address if you would like to chat. It was a horrid experience and I was soooooo angry with him for hurting my kids that I did not mourn him, I was too angry, then about 2 months later I started to mourn his loss and I used to run in Chicago in January, miles and miles and miles in 10-20 degree weather and cry frozen tears. What I didn't realize was that I was hurting so much, I used the physical pain of running in the snow etc to mask the emotional pain, so watch yourself too Jck

I'm back with a couple more things to consider:

1) Talk to the funeral director. They've seen it all. If you explain your position - that you don't want to cause problems but are concerned about your son who has never been to a funeral before - they may be able to help and act as an intermediary with whoever is paying for the service. Perhaps your son might be allowed a s private visitation, which would be easier on him? It's worth exploring, especially when you consider COVID.

2) Find out what kind of service is planned, so you can prepare/protect your son. Open casket isn't for everyone, especially children, and there may be a separate seating area for "family". Lots of little things that are best weighed BEFORE you get there.

 My dad died when I was twelve. Not only did he not have much family, but he and my mother had divorced only six months prior so it was an awkward situation and blunders were made. The biggest was a miscommunication that resulted in the casket being open when it was supposed to be closed. Seeing my dad like that was shocking and upsetting. The second misunderstanding led to my mother thinking she was not allowed to sit in the family area with me; I ended up sort of next to a distant male relative who was no support to me.

Again, I'm so, so sorry you and your son have to go through this.You are both in my thoughts.

I dont know if rules have been relaxed here but earlier, no more than 10 people were being allowed in the funeral parlor buildings and that included employees!  I even heard of one case whete the family was not allowed out of cars at the cemetery.  Had to watch the burial from cars.