You are here

One of my good friends is now a BM

Jcksjj's picture

To complicate things she's also my brother's ex/nephews mom.

Shes in the wanting to have her cake and eat it too stage. She's dating someone else, but still wants to be fully a part of our family and is constantly inviting my brother to do things with her. 

My brother was briefly dating someone else. That GF saw my brother and his ex at the park together with my nephew and his ex didn't understand why the new girlfriend was upset and thinks it's just part of coparenting. This is basically what BM in my situation was doing (although DH always declined) and now I can see that my brothers ex probably doesn't want to let him move on even though she did. And I think thats what BM was doing too.

Her boyfriend is perfectly fine with the situation- most likely because he's on the autism spectrum and probably somewhat oblivious. 

I feel like it's going to be a difficult situation to watch and keep quiet about.


hereiam's picture

If my DH had ever gone to the park with BM, there surely would have some sort of fatal merry-go-round accident. He has never been able to be in the same vicinity as her, she sucks the oxygen right out of the air.

Co-parenting is one thing, playing happy family at the park is another. Your brother needs to draw the line.

Jcksjj's picture

Yes, I think I need to let him know that things like that aren't a necessary part of coparenting. He doesn't seem especially thrilled to hang out with her.

ESMOD's picture

He needs to have some sisterly advice for sure.  If he is going to be separated from the mother of his children he needs to figure out how he is going to be a parent independent of his relationship with the mother.  Co-parenting is coming together to discuss a serious illness.. a serious behavioral issue.. etc.. it's not hanging out with each other.  Though it may encompass being civil when meeting for exchanges or at joint public activities like a child's sporting event.  Co-parenting basically makes sure that the other parent is aware of issues that are important that are impacting the child.  It might even be something like your brother's EX gives him a heads up if she breaks up with a BF that the child liked etc..

But, first and foremost.. he needs a CO.  He needs to have his time and obligations clearly laid out and agreed upon with his EX.  Then, he needs to manage his time with his child.. arrange for childcare when needed.  Ensure that the child is properly cared for on his watch etc...  

Then he needs to understand that joint socializing with his EX is just confusing for the kids.. and can be very intimidating and uncomfortable for new partners.   They don't need to do joint holidays.. or birthdays etc.. each parent celebrates those milestones on their own time in their own way.  Ultimately there will be a few occasions that may require more coordination.. but pretty much the child's wedding would be about the only social exercise where they both would be at a private event.. graduations etc..?  they go on their own.. no obligation to sit together etc...

Brother needs to know that he shouldn't attempt to control what his EX does on her time and she should not be controlling his household either.  She doesn't get a say in who he dates.. or what he wants to cook for dinner (barring allergy issues).  

But he needs to have that established custody time to be a father for his kids... and he needs to learn to do that without his Ex's interference.. and he doesn't need to find another mother for his kids either.. he needs to be a parent to his kids. .. himself.. and not try to be the better parent.. just be a good parent.

SeeYouNever's picture

Pop some popcorn for this one. 

My DH has often said that if we ever split up he will stay single. Incidentally he told me he said the same thing when he split with BM. Maybe that was why BM was so mad we got together? She thought he would stay single and at her bidding while she moved on? She never wanted to do things like the park, she just wanted both a new husband and an ex husband to pay for everything for her.

I fully expect that my DH would get a GF much sooner than I'd get a BF if we split. I don't think I'd want to know anything about what he's doing. I think I'd even tell our kids, have fun with your dad but you don't need to tell me anything about it.