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"I dont remember that"

Jcksjj's picture

This was probably like a month ago, but a comment I just read reminded me of it. DH and I were talking and it got brought up why I hate/am uncomfortable going places in public with SD - especially restaurants where there's nothing to do but sit there. The last time I went out to eat with SD was her bday last summer. There was quite a few annoying things that I blogged about regarding, but one was how weird/inappropriately suggestive SD was acting toward DH to try to keep the attention on her. Acting just like BM does with her guy "friends" basically. Reaching across the table to slowly stroke his forearms while staring into his eyes, etc. Interrupting anytime anyone was talking to say coyly say "i love you daddy." DH was clearly freaked out and told her to stop. 

So when this got brought up, DH had no memory of it. I asked him how he could possibly not remember that. He said he didnt know and he tended to block out when his mom does weird (narcissistic) things too. I know denial is a real thing, but idk if I buy that he really doesn't remember things or is just BSing because he doesn't want to acknowledge them or admit it happened and have to deal with it.


susanm's picture

Revisionist history.  I completely understand when people don't want to talk about something uncomfortable or painful.  But at least have the b@lls to say "I really don't want to talk about it."  Not "I don't remember."  Unless you have been hit on the head with something heavy, you remember weird, uncomfortable, and painful things.

Jcksjj's picture

Yeah, he legitimately does have a bad memory, but I have trouble buying that he can't remember some of these things. He knows I'm not a doormat like him and doesnt want to have to stand up to MIL or accept that I'm right about SD.

ITB2012's picture

My DH has said the same thing and yet has perfect recall of the same event later. He does this with hearing me, too. If I talk his first word is "what?" regardless of whether he heard me. I just reply "yup." I hate it. Yet, I've experimented and if I mutter under my breath incredibly quietly, magically he hears me.

My therapist said that a lack of memory/remembering sometimes indicates a traumatic childhood where forgetting was key to handling things.

Jcksjj's picture

I do think there probably is at least a touch of denial as a coping skill because his family is incredibly toxic...but I kind of feel like it's more pretending it didnt happen then actually blocking out the memory. I mean, I'm not in his head so idk for sure 

Iamwoman's picture

I have trauma induced memory loss for certain events/times of my life.

However, this doesn't sound like a traumatic event, so... it sounds like he is minimizing your concerns.

Jcksjj's picture

Right...I could maybe see it as a coping skill that was developed as his family of origin is nuts - like putting it out of his mind, but not actually not remembering.

Evil3's picture

During a couple of calm discussions with DH over the years pertaining to DH's "blindness" and denial, he confessed to me that he pretends to not see or hear something so that he doesn't have to address it. He said it's usually because he doesn't know how to handle it or that he does know what he should do, but feels he can't or else. He has made comments that indicate that he had in deed seen and heard SD's manipulations over the years but feared losing her forever, so he pulled his passive-aggressive, conflict-avoidant shit and pretended to not see it at all.

Also, I'm a huge fan of Dr. Ramani Durvasula. She has tons of youtube videos on narcissism and has one that talks about why narcs get away with the things that they do. People "go blind" to narcs and their antics because it's the path of least resistance.

Anyway, back to my DH. According to him, the blindness and denial are lies. Our DHs do see what goes on but don't want to deal with it so they put on the act.

StepUltimate's picture

Dr. Carter has excellent youtube vids on his Surviving Narcisissism YouTube channel. Both are so helpful!

shamds's picture

conveniently forgets his kids despise us for existing snd caring about hubby, conveniently forgets they disrespect him continually or continually ignore him

SubstituteMommy's picture

This made me laugh because my SO has pulled this kind of thing with SD9. He conveniently doesn't remember things or he downplays them. It's pathetic.