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I cant hear "poor SD" another time

Jcksjj's picture

ODS had his school play today and I wasnt able to go, so my mom went and recorded it for me. Afterwards, she called me to tell me how it went. After a little bit she asked if SD had her play today also. And then asked if DH went. And then a little later in the convo "oh well I sure hope BM went." And I kind of spazzed on her. I told her I just dont want to talk about SD, she causes me nothing but drama and stress and I just dont want to talk about her. My mom said she understood. Seriously, I'm so sick of hearing constantly "poor SD" in some form or another I'm literally holding myself back from screaming at this point. I mean, I just got done telling my mom that it sucks because I can't even go to ODS school events without having to deal with BM and SD and she responds with "oh well I sure hope BM went to hers." BM has never not went to any of her school events, so idk why anyone would worry about that, let alone my family. 

DHs family favors SD hard and is strangely obsessed with her, even for being grandparents. Half the convos ive ever had with MIL I have are her mining me for info about SD.  Then we have my family that overcompensates and tries to extra hard to be nice to SD and show that they arent discriminating so it almost ends up looking like favoritism there also (its not, but it can look like it). Then we have BM and SD who constantly cause drama and have a drive to be the center of attention that I've rarely ever seen in other people. Plus by total coincidence one of my BFFs is from the same small town as BM, so she has an "in" to my life there also. All of that combined makes it feel like my entire life is revolved around this spoiled brat kid who has hated me from day one and I have no bond with. I've disengaged and things at home and with DH have improved dramatically. But it makes it so much worse when I feel like I cant get away from it anywhere else either. Honestly, I dont think my own kids even get brought up as much by others as BM and SD.

Two things from this: first of all, I was surprised by how emotional (like teary) I got saying out loud I just dont want to talk about her. So obviously its bothering me more than I realize.

Second, I obviously need to be more upfront about my feelings. I've tried just giving a neutral response when SD is mentioned. To my mom in particular, I feel I've made my feelings pretty clear. But until I flat out said i don't want to talk about her it wasnt effective.


Jcksjj's picture

Same. I was already thinking that actually. She can be kind of flighty and idk, self centered might not exactly be the right word, but she kind of glosses over other peoples reactions to things and doesnt pick up on things sometimes. Maybe that's just part of the flightiness.

Petronella's picture

So you might have to remind her a few more times that SD is a sore subject with you and you do NOT care to talk about her. Keep setting that boundary. If she keeps "forgetting," then my next step would be ending a conversation with mom, once SD is brought up. 

ESMOD's picture

I think you need to talk to your mom again now that you have (I think) calmed down a bit.

I might apologize for jumping down her throat for bringing up SD.  You are sorry but she doesn't know the stress that the girl brings into your life and you would appreciate it if she wasn't a topic of conversation.. because to the extent you can, you try to give her as little head space as possible to reduce focus on something that is negative for you. So, mom.. going forward can we leave SD out of our conversations unless it is absolutely necessary? (like needing to know if she will be attending a family function etc..).

Jcksjj's picture

I already basically said all that to her immediately after the "I dont want to talk about her."

Petronella's picture

I don't think you owe your mom an apology. You were upset and showed you were upset. Unless you actually like swore at her or something, I think a mom can handle her daughter's expressing her feelings. If my daughter had a stepkid as disruptive and unpleasant as your SD, I would want to know about it so I could offer support and advice (if asked). And I'd make sure going forward to be sensitive to my daughter's feelings, and would talk about her own children, my actual grandchildren. Not bring up SD anymore. 

Jcksjj's picture

I should probably clarify, I'm a very quiet, mellow person by nature so what feels like spazzing to me probably comes across as "slightly emotional" to others lol. I definitely was not screaming or swearing or anything. Assertive would probably be the right word, because normally I'm too passive.

What you're describing I think is what I hope for anytime I vent about SD. This really goes farther back then this I think though, because that's kind of how it's always been is that my feelings are dismissed and I'm supposed to make things appear perfect instead. In this case, I think the narrative is supposed to be that I'm the super stepmom who swooped in and took over care of this poor little girl.

Petronella's picture

That's exactly how I read your OP - you didn't go crazy, you didn't spaz out. You were assertive and clear. Which, to some people, is shocking behavior, especially from a woman. Keep being assertive, it's the ONLY way!

Jcksjj's picture

"Especially from a woman"

Good point. It also makes me wonder if maybe my mom feels pressure to act like the perfect loving step gma also...hmm. although I dont know why she would need to pretend that with me given she knows my feelings. 

Petronella's picture

 maybe my mom feels pressure to act like the perfect loving step gma also.

I think this is very possible! Older women are certainly vulnerable to the same social pressures as younger women, possibly even more so! Thanks for this empathetic insight.

ESMOD's picture

That's great.  Hopefully you won't have to remind her too many times!  I know sometimes it is tough to make people understand that you just dont' have the mental juice for certain subjects.

Willow2010's picture

Your mom did you a favor by going to record something for you.  Then mentions SD in casual conversation and you jump down her throat.  Yea...I would apologize asap and try to not let things like this bother you.  I know this is soooo much easier said than done, but you may want to give it a try just so YOU are not so wound up all the time.  

SM12's picture

My mom didn’t pull the Poor SD card but insisted on telling me details about my XH and former SD that I had no interest in knowing.   She was friends with them both in social media which infuriated me. My XH was abusive and horrible and my parents hated him but played nice for my sake.  XH turned my former SD against me (who I raised) and caused me to lose a relationship with my grandchild (former SD’s child). He also tried to turn my BS against me.  He is evil.  And my Heart was crushed over Formee SD and grandchild.   I felt it was a betrayal for her to remain friends with them in social media.   After my father passed my Mom became bored or lonely or something.  She started stalking them on social media and telling me constantly what they posted or what was going on in their lives despite me telling her EVERYTIME that I didn’t want to know or hear it.   

She continued this behavior until we were at a family gathering and she mentioned CH and former SD again.  In front of everyone I told her how disloyal I felt she was being and I refuse to listen to another word.   I could tell my other relatives totally understood what I was saying and mom eventually took my XH off social media.  She kept Formee SD (which bugs me) but never tells me anything about her.  

Some people have no clue how it turns your gut to be reminded of someone you want to forget or ignore on a regular basis.   Especially from someone you expect to always be on your side.

Hang in there, stand strong and be firm with what you will and won’t deal with.

Jcksjj's picture

Ugh yeah, I would not want to hear about that either. Kind of weird that she started doing it randomly? We actually have the same issue with DHs family adding his ex, I guess FIL says its "to spy." We dont need them to spy on BM, we don't want to hear about her unless it's a serious situation, and we dont want her seeing anything regarding us that DHs family might post on there, especially regarding our other kids. Idk why they insist on it.


advice.only2's picture

I had these same issues with my family, it's hard to explain to an outsider the toll living in a toxic environment with a skid takes on you.

Nobody believed me how bad it really was, until Spawn started showing her true colors on social media, then people started to see what I was dealing with in my home daily. Even then I still got the whole "But poor Spawn she's really messed up, I mean her mom is a drug addict and her parent's are divorced!" and my response was and is "Yes she had some bad stuff happen, but DH and I took her in, raised her, got her involved in church, got her counseling, got her in other positive outside activities and she still wanted the drama of her Meth Mouth mother. We put her first to the detriminte of our own marriage and other children, in the hopes that she would see some sort of proverbial light and not see us as these wicked horrid people! But the draw of a raging narcassistic emotionally abusive drug addict mother was stronger than all of that."

The next time your mother starts asking skid questions my fall back is always "I'm not sure you would need to ask DH" then change the subject.

Jcksjj's picture

I feel like people tend to actually have more sympathy for the person acting awful then the innocent people affected by it and it drives me nuts. Like when SD was bullying ODS alot people focused way more on SD and why she was doing it and how sad she must be inside to act like that then on my son who was actually getting bullied. And then theres even more reason for the poor behavior to continue. But like you said, other people have things happen to and they don't all act terrible because of it. Maybe they were terrible to start with and just happened to have had some bad things happen because nearly everyone does. 

CLove's picture

I get it.

My mother as well coos "poor Feral Forger", at least she did at first. NOW, its tsk tsk.

Ive had to tell her "are you okay with this no longer a child treating us like this?"

She said "well any normal person would not be ok with this, so no".

She doent ask, and Ill let her know what going on and then not talk about it any more.

Why do you think everyone is obessed with SD and BM? Are they kardashians?

Petronella's picture

"Why do you think everyone is obessed with SD and BM?"

People love drama. They love juicy gossip. They love hearing about the toxic people. Nice normal stories like the OP's kids and their school achievements, pale in comparison. Times in my life that I've had something going on that was a bit unusual or toxic, I could see people's eyes LIGHT UP like firecrackers as they asked me what was going on in that area. It was gross.

Jcksjj's picture

This is true. I also feel like with SD theres kind of a savior complex going on and everyone thinks they're going to be the one to save poor SD. Especially MIL and SIL. 

Jcksjj's picture

Lol. Well BM has sure attempted to become social media famous; but it never worked. My friend that knows her from the small town they're from (and by small I mean like 250 people). From the sounds of it she thinks she is the celebrity of that town and that everyone there thought she was soooo beautiful and kind of infamous. Upon gathering more details, she was the town s*** as was GBM before her. 

I think it's mainly that they both have narcissistic behaviors designed with the sole purpose of keeping themselves the center of attention and it works. BM knows exactly what to say and do to get a reaction or attention from anyone and keep people interested in her and SD has learned from the best. Neither of them are especially intelligent, but I would say they almost have a talent in a way in that area. 

Interestingly, i knew my friend before DH. And when friend and DH realized that they knew eachother through BM, she told me "why does this girl that I want nothing to do (she hates BM) with keep popping back up in my life." Also, DH told me when he first broke up with BM (before finding out she was pregnant) that he felt like it was impossible to get her out of his life/get away from her. And I feel exactly like what they both described now. So I guess its something with their personality.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

I hate the poor SD card. Trust me, I know how annoying it is. I'm glad that you said something to your mom... it's important to be honest about how you feel.

Petronella's picture

I mean isn't OP's oldest son, a poor widdle COD himself? How come no one is going "poor OSD" all the time?

Jcksjj's picture

Yeah that's another thing I dont get at all. ODS dad actually stopped seeing him at all, so why isnt there all this sympathy for him? No one ever mentions his dad at all really. Which is fine with me, but it doesnt really make sense? 

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

No, it doesn't make sense. Your SD is attention-seeking like mine though... they soak up all of the attention and they learn how to use the "poor SD" crap to get their way. They enjoy having pity for simply breathing. Your son is probably better than that non-sense. You should take it as a compliment. Wink

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Right!? That's so true!

...but he most likely wouldn't eat up the attention, so "poor ODS" probably wouldn't last the way that "poor SD" has.

Ispofacto's picture

Mom: "Pooooooor SD"

Jckjjs:  ODS is sooooo sadddd his dad never sees him...blah blah blah . (as long as ODS is out of earshot)

Jcksjj's picture

This is actually a great idea next time MIL is getting all teary about poor SD. "Oh yes, its I understand, its so rough for SD to only have 6 presents to open at BMs house, ODS hasnt received anything from his dads family in 7 years.

Ispofacto's picture

"Oh yes, its I understand, its so rough for SD to only have 6 presents to open at BMs house"

That's too nice.  Exclude SD.  Hijack the conversation and make it about DS every time.  MIL won't want to talk to you anymore.

"I caught DS staring at the wall the other day.  I just know he was thinking about XH.  Oh, poor poor DS, sniff sniff."