High conflict people acting "nice"
How do you usually feel/respond when someone who is difficult/high conflict/narcissistic etc is being nice? For example MIL is a very difficult person to be around and I really just want to remain low contact with her (see previous blogs for examples) but then she will go out of her way to do something helpful/nice. I dont think this really makes up for the bad things and want to remain low contact still. DH gets hopeful that everyone is going to get along now. Just curious how others would react/respond.
- Jcksjj's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Remember that your MIL trained your DH
So of course he's going to hope that everything will go back to normal. That's what he's been trained to expect. It's not a reasonable expectation, but that's where he comes from.
Doing something nice and helpful is lovely, but unless you have legitimate trust that she has changed, you should maintain your low contact construct, or you risk re-entering her cycle of conflict/abuse.
This is totally my MIL. She
This is totally my MIL. She acts like the sweetest person ever, and that’s what you think when you first meet her. Then the passive aggressive comments started, the blatant favoritism of SD in front of my kids, and her rage if DH doesn’t agree with her opinions. She can still be nice, so we’re definitely low contact. We visit with her once a year, call once a month, and I make sure she receives gifts (birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day) as a TY for DH. She does something nice, and I say thank you and I may feel indebted to her (I try not to), but I don’t act on it.
Mine actually was not nice
Mine actually was not nice when I first met her, but she is intermittently. Alot of the times it's over the top fake nice that I find offputting. She has been trying moreso after asking DH basically who was more dominant in his life - me or her and he said me. I cant remember exactly how it was worded but that was the basic point was who has more control here. So yeah I dont trust any of the niceness and just want to say thank you and then continue low contact. I do also feel indebted when she does something nice even though I think that's probably the point of her doing "nice" things. Especially when she does it for me and still treats my kids poorly. Makes me think she must not love her kids as much as she claims if she doesnt get that being nicer to me and not them isnt going to work well.
Common for abusive
Common for abusive personalities. They think all relationships are on their terms. They're a jerk when they feel like it, and they are nice when they feel like it. They expect everyone else to fall in line when they decide.
High conflict people are only
High conflict people are only nice when it suits them and when they want something.
Yeah...its hard for DH to get
Yeah...its hard for DH to get this part since it isnt always obvious what they want or what the goal is.
You can accept and be
You can accept and be appreciative when someone does something nice for you. That doesn't mean you have to forget every wrong thing they have done in the past.
So.. she does something nice.. "thanks.. that was thoughtful MIL".
Go forward with your neutral demeanor with her. You don't have to make her your BFF.. you can be cordially polite.. even with high conflict people. But I would still be guarded about what I shared with her.. and probably wouldn't initiate ladies lunches with her. but you can certainly, say "Hi MIL, nice to see you" when she stops by... or ask her about her dog.. stuff like that.
Just because someone is high conflict doesn't mean you necessarily have to be offensively an Ahole to them.
I get suspicious
I get very suspicious. I don’t trust manipulative people and I rarely forget past manipulations. Once my trust is lost, it’s really difficult to get it back.
My MIL is a lot like your MIL
My MIL is a lot like your MIL, OP.
Like clockwork, my MIL goes out of her way to lovebomb me and it always coincides with an agenda.
On top of that, my MIL uses this behavior in hopes of erasing any bad behavior on her part. And if I don’t reciprocate, past a very sincere and appreciative “thank you” towards her - she gets REAL bent.
I think the moral of the story here is that this is just some people’s MO. It’s what has always worked for them in life to get what they want and to get others to bend to their will.
I admit, it took me awhile to catch on to what was going on, as I’ve never been on the receiving end of said behavior, but once you see it, you cannot unsee it.
My ODS father was the first
My ODS father was the first person I had to deal with that type of narcissistic behavior- if theres anything good that came out of that relationship (besides my son of course) it's that I got much better at reading people and seeing that not everyone means well. You're totally right, once you see it you cant unsee it.