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Cleaning out SDs room feels great

Jcksjj's picture

SD and BM both hang on to everything. Every wrapper, every box, every junky little toy. I can't stand clutter. 

SDs room is eventually going to be DS2s room, since SD no longer wants to live with us and currently my youngest 2 kids share a room. So in preparation for that, and because there's no reason to have a bunch of crap piled up in my house for a kid that doesn't want to be here or appreciate any of the money that's been spent on her, all the garbage has been thrown out. Her stuff that she actually needs/mementos put neatly in containers. So therapeutic. Although I think it did bring up a little renewed resentment to see all the things we've given her or done for her that she turned her nose up at because none of it was good enough. 

I think DH also feels a small sense of guilt that she won't have a bedroom anymore, but it's not like we kicked her out - she's choosing not to be here (and enabled by BM). Why keep a room empty for her to be here at most 2 days a month?


JRI's picture

As long as you are storing the momentos, I dont see a problem.  Its just household logistics.  I can understand your DH feeling wistful, though. What's the alternative?  Keeping a shrine while the 2 others are crowded?  Sigh...steplife...

Jcksjj's picture

I'm sure its expected that our entire house be a shrine to her. At least by BM and MIL. BM will probably have another meltdown when she hears SDs room is now another kids room. Oh well.

Stepdrama2020's picture

MIL can go suck lemons.

I guess grandkids are not all created equal. F that

Stepdrama2020's picture

I feel ya girl. My ex SD hadnt lived with us for two years, yet she expected and big daddy felt the need to keep a shrine for her. So much junk! She also was telling daddio how she wanted the house redecorated, a house she never came to.

Let DH feel the guilt, his issue not yours. Have fun and go ahead and redecorate that room for your bio. 

Fun shit the step life . If somehow it involves a skidmark there is guilt, anxiety, or problems.

Jcksjj's picture

Yeah I still haven't quite figured out the guilt thing. I even feel guilty sometimes for silly reasons and I can't stand her. Or maybe the guilt is because I can't stand her so I'm actually happy to do things without her, give her room away etc, even when it's reasonable.

Oldrosie's picture

Sounds like you're living the dream. Totally makes sense to have your other kids in a separate rooms! Congrats on the new freedom ❤️

ndc's picture

I look forward to the day when your little one gets his new room.  I think it's ridiculous to reserve a room for a kid who doesn't come over much when there are full time children sharing.  I like my skids, and they're with us half the time, but I was very clear with DH when our bio was born that there were two options for the skids - they could share a room or the older one could have our basement bedroom - because by the time she was a year old DD was going to have a room.  And she does.

Keep us posted on how BM and MIL react when they realize their precious doesn't have a room in the house she doesn't want to visit.

Jcksjj's picture

Oh I'm sure I will be posting when MIL finds out she doesn't have a room. At the moment MIL isn't speaking to DH because he didn't go to her birthday. Or maybe it's because he didn't beg BM to have SD so she could go, idk. But she's going to have a nuclear meltdown. When we moved into our house less than 2 years ago MIL peered into the boys' rooms (my 2 youngest and then ODS) and kind of stuck her nose up and tried to act disinterested. Then she went into SDs room and started excitedly arranging things and talking about decor.

Cover1W's picture

I hope your DH helped you clean that room.

I made sure DH was ready to do OSDs room clean out before we started - he called the day we did it and he actually did most of the work. And he saw the trash and what she left and took and how awfully dirty her room was - the level of filth and things we had to throw away. He decided what to keep/what not to. We STILL  have a box of her things in storage (after 4 years).  I did end up going through the last of the clothing bag to donate, give to YSD or toss a month ago.

Jcksjj's picture

He helped with some. I did most of it myself tbh because I wanted it done my way. And did make SD do some last time she was here

WwCorgi7's picture

I feel ya! My SD had a room when she only came maybe 4 days a month it seemed like such a waste. We had no space and I put my desk in and SD flipped demanding it out. We seriously had a room no one hardly used for about 6 years. When she graduated BM's Parental Alienation 101 course she said she never wanted to see us again. 

I took down everything in her room late last year and it was amazing. It felt like a fresh start. I just started putting my daughter's stuff in there and it is a completely different space. When my daughter turns one she is moving in there and if SD wants to poke her head back in after everything she has done well she can sleep on the couch. We are moving in the near future and all her stuff will be in the yard sale if she is still out of the picture. 

You did feel some guilt so you might be a better person than me. I never felt any guilt and I actually felt great while doing it. 

CLove's picture

Keeps asking to move back in.
Thats a heck no!

I recall distinctly how dirty and trashed the room was. I can still smell the funk that was a mix of HER dirty self, old makeup, food left to mold, her dirty clothes and just the grossness.

It is now a sanctuary, a little overfilled right now. I keep the door off and the sunsets are nice viewing. All the time she lived there before the door was always shut, and I never knew that her room got the VERY best light!!!!

NOW...not ever going to live with her again, and I have absolutely no guilt. But there was some friction in the beginning. She left her room trash filled and to the brim with clothes and trash. And got mad that I cleaned it out (thats MY stuff!)

I still have a few bins of her stuff like journals and a few trophies that I am thinking of sending over for her.

Jcksjj's picture

Ha yeah, if BM tries to send her back because she messed her up too much and can't handle her....

JRI's picture

We have 5 kids, 2 bios and 3 SKs.  In addition to their normal teenage departures, 4 of them have moved back in temporarily as adults, then moved out.  With one exception, I can say their rooms ALWAYS stink and are ALWAYS gross when they move out.  The exception is my bio son whose wife cleans from top to bottom and leaves things in better condition thsn when they arrived.  They stay here when they visit annually, it's more fun than at her religious, conservative mother's house so she wants to keep things cool.  Lol.

simifan's picture

My sister was given my room when I went to college. Dad turned her room into an office.  When summer break came, I could share or move into the basement - which i did.

SeeYouNever's picture

I'm about to have my 2nd baby and just did the same thing! It was so nice to get rid of SDs used toothbrushs and outgrown clothes and take back the space. 

My husband kept trying to get me to agree to put both our BDs in the same room. SD stays over a quarter, there was no freaking way I was going to have my kids share a room while hers was there empty. The thing is he never outright said he wanted to keep the room for SD, he just kept making up excuses not to convert it to the baby's room. I know he feels guilty but he never could come out and say anything.

One of the first things my in laws asked when finding out I was pregnant again was about the rooms. And when I told them the baby would get the "spare room" they always made a face. Even they tried to talk me into making my girls share because my two SILs shared. So? Just because my MIL kept my DHs room as an empty shrine for 15 years after he moved out doesn't mean normal people do that. 


Jcksjj's picture

I love when people feel the need to give their unwanted opinions on things that don't affect them.