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Alienation...so now what?

Jcksjj's picture

So now that it's clear that SD is being completely alienated by both her mom and GBM and DHs family, what do we do? Force her to come here and deal with the ensuing drama every time? Let her go and wait until she's older and can make her own decisions without BM and SILs influence? There doesn't seem like a good answer.

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tog redux's picture

There is no good answer, only bad ones and worse ones. Your DH has to decide which one he can live with. 

Jcksjj's picture

Yeah I didn't figure there was gonna be any magic solution. But if they're making out doing 10 minutes of chores to be abuse, I can only imagine it's going to escalate. And we are NOT going to give her special treatment for choosing to come here less.

tog redux's picture

Right. And you don't want to spend thousands on a drawn out legal battle to get a CO that BM will violate anyway. 

Jcksjj's picture

Yeah thats true also...looks like it's just let it go and let her come to her own conclusions as an adult. Yesterday was one of the rare occasions I actually felt bad for her, being manipulated to that extent and told to be unhappy and then used as a pawn for that much drama.

tog redux's picture

Yep, if I were in your DH's shoes, I'd let her go, try my best to keep some sort of open line of communication, and hope for the best.

Jcksjj's picture

Yes, I agree. The environment is also extremely unhealthy for the rest of us here too and the other kids feel the stress even if they don't know whats going on. 

Idk, how he can keep an open line of communication as everything is monitored by BM. When she found out yesterday that DH said he needs the password to her tablet that SD brought here from BMs she freaked out and said she was going to buy her a cellphone. But of course that would be monitored by BM too.

tog redux's picture

Well, by that I just mean - he can text periodically and ask how she is, happy birthday, etc.  Stuff BM won't object to, but will be sending SD the message that her dad is still there and still cares about her. So that when she's older and starts to figure out what's going on, she knows dad is there and wants to hear from her.

 

Jcksjj's picture

We're considering seeing if she wants to meet up with DH for lunch sometimes instead of the overnight visits. Apparently SD has been making lies about here too and DHs family and BM are all choosing to believe her (right down to dumb things that we can easily prove wrong like that she didn't get any Christmas presents). So that combined with the fact that BM probably isn't going to allow any overnight visits after yesterday's crap - it seems like a public place meet up is the best option.

Jcksjj's picture

He thinks letting her go for now is the only viable option. But is struggling with guilt over it.

Jcksjj's picture

Well it goes all the way back to how she was conceived and feeling guilty that he got BM knocked up in the first place (drunk college party). And now it's completely irrational but the stuff his family and BM says gets in his head. 

SeeYouNever's picture

That's the strategy my husband is taking. It probably won't work because it just lets BM and SIL's influence become more ingrained. It gets worse every year and SD is becoming more like them. She's got her own phone but won't talk to him. I doubt anything will change once she's out on her own unless she tries to beg for money.

tog redux's picture

I didn't think my SS would come back from alienation, but he did. Most kids do, even if it's not until mid-late 20s.

SeeYouNever's picture

I fully expect SD to come back and want us to fund her wedding or kids at just the time we are going to start paying for our kids college. 

I know my DH wants her to come around but I sincerely hope she doesn't. I can stand seeing her 2 or 3 times a year around holidays but that's it. 

thinkthrice's picture

24, 22 and 18   PAS is holding...  These now adult skids are such a trainwreck, it would be disasterous if they were to land on my front doorstep again.