You are here

Help!!!! Need advise on Free-Loading Step Daughter.

jbbrown's picture

My stepdaughter is 22 years old. I'm getting to the place where I am so fed up. I want to say to my husband that big changes need to be made in this household or else. She's here because she was having trouble with financial aid and other expenses in her former college (in another state) so we told her it would be ok to move back to our state and move in with us in order to finish up (this may have been a big mistake). When she arrived, it was obvious she did not expect to do any or very little housework. Since she arrived in the summer, I demanded that she get a job instead of laying in bed all day. She's not a bad person but I've never seen this kind of laziness and selfishness. When she started school, we discovered that she had basically wasted her entire two previous years on courses that could not be transferred or courses she did not need. She waited until the first day of school (instead of taking care of it during the summer) to find out she needed quite a bit more cash for books, etc. I found out my husband took the money out of our savings without telling me. She has an older car (which we purchased with a big chunk of our savings). I knew she needed the transportation, so I didn't mind making the sacrifice (and a sacrifice it was). My husband, however, did not even require that she pay for the insurance. My main problem is that she rarely lifts a finger to do anything around the house. She does not cook and only does household chores maybe once a month (only when she feels like it). She and I had words about that when she first arrived but her dad (my husband) did not back me up on that. Therefore she feels she can do chores whenever she gets ready (which is next to never). She loves to eat but contributes nothing to the preparation of the food. I found out a few months ago that she decided to change her major which adds an additional 2 1/2 - 3 years to her she will be living here for much longer than I'd expected. I also just found out that she quit her part-time job (says she has to focus completely on school now). She does not have time to work, but certainly goes out with friends all weekend long sometimes. We told her that she is to come in the house no later than 2:30 AM, but she decided to not honor that request and comes in as late as 5:30 AM (which disturbs the houshold). The last straw was when I found out that she quit her job. Neither she nor my husband discussed this with me. They constantly make certain decisions without consulting me or getting my opinion on the matter. They conduct themselves the way they did before we were married (decisions among the two of them no need for outside opinions). Please keep in mind that I work outside the home and contribute a huge part of the finances. My company is doing major layoffs (hopefully I will not be affected). By quitting her job, all her expenses will be completely on us. My stepdaughter is repectful in addressing me (I would have it no other way) and courteous to the other members of the household (my mother, my 5 year old and 6 month old), but she and I rarely speak. We only say hi and bye. She has made it very clear that she is not interested in any kind of a relationship with me. I'm very resentful of her selfishness and laziness, so I really don't want to be bothered with her at all. When she is home, she stays in her room all day every day and only comes out to eat or go out with friends. So my kids don't even think of her as an active member of the family. She spends the nights with friends and does not bother to really tell us who she is going out with or where she is going. If God forbid something happens to her, we would have no clue as to where she has gone or who she is with. My mother has to beg her to wash up the dishes since she (my mother) does all the cooking (at least I get a break here). This is a situation where she has all the benefits of a nice home but contributes absolutely nothing to the home or the people living in it. I am constantly angry with her and I really hate that...I just feel we are all making such sacrifices and she is the only person not doing her fair share (nor does my husband require it). I leave the house at 7 AM and due to traffic, don't make it back home until 7:30ish. Soon as I get home, I take the kids and do homework for my 5 year old and feed my infant, while my husband watches TV (although he does clean the kitchen). He never asks her to wash dishes or do anything....he always says, well she's in school now. Tonight I had to come home from work, put the kids to bed and my husband wanted to go grocery shopping (which is a huge task). By this time it's 10 PM. I told him I was too exhausted. I suggested that he ask his daughter to help out and go shopping and of course that was out of the question. He even tells me what that I need to be doing more around the house but never gets to holding her responsible for anything. In January of 2009, I delivered a healthy baby girl but there were a few issues that kept us in the hospital for an additional 2 weeks. He still refused to ask her for help and she did not volunteer. She was of no help to us at all. By the way, her mother helps with nothing financial.

I'm sorry if this is quite lengthy. I'm just at my wits end and feel I can't deal with my husband's free-loading daughter for much longer. Any advise out there for me? Do you disagree with me on this one? This was unheard of when I was in school. I did chores and had a full-time job, paid for my own car and still managed to get a degree.


sparky's picture

This is a terrbile situation for you and since BF is not on board I am not sure what the solution is. The fact that he is sneaking around behind your back giving her your money tells me how profound the probelm is.
If the house is in your name you can always take out eviction papers.

Angel's picture

because my 27 year old daughter lives with us. Let me begin by saying the house we live in belongs to ME.
She has a BA already but was displaced by the financial crisis (she worked for Morgan Stanley). I advised her to return to school and become a nurse AND she is doing it.It is hard to get the classes because many people are doing the same thing.
She comes and goes as she pleases, she doesn't do much housework, and concentrates on school and it doesn't bother me at all. She is a good girl, respectful and she is MY DAUGHTER.
I don't have as much privacy as I'd like but I am willing to sacrifice as long as I see her studying hard. Both her biofather & I are providing for her. She does have a part time job that she does from home on the computer.

My point with all of this is that when you're the bioparent, and the kid is behaving, you don't mind helping them. If it were his child, living in MY HOME it probably would bother me a whole lot. Not fair? I don't know.
You have a lot of stress with the young children, so it makes it very difficult to put up with an adult in the home that doesn't contribute. I don't cook for anyone---so I don't have that stress either.

I understand your situation. I guess I posted this so you could understand the other side from a female perspective. Hope it helped a bit.