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jayfergie's picture

Hello! I am new to this site and looking for some advice here.

I recently got married in May both me and my husband where married before, i was divcored for 12 years and my husband been divorced for 10 years. I have three grown kids, just became a grandma on 7-23-18, my husband has a 13 year old daughter. We have been doing good as a blended family then all of sudden this week she came back to our house since we have her most of the time, ever since she returned to our house she has been distant to mem, rude and says she does not trust me will not say anything to me or her father of why she does not trust me anymore. I am at my wits end because every since me and her dad started to date i have been there for her for everything listening to her about normal kid problems, friends, issues with her mother. I feel like a outsider in our family and relationship i told my step daughter that me and her dad made a comminnet to each other in our wedding vows and that i am not going anywhere i just dont want to feel like a outsider and having to step on egg shells when she is at our house, being inside and being in the family circle. i know teeanagers can be very moody etc raised three kids on my own with no help from my exhusband. any advice will be accepted on this matter.






Siemprematahari's picture

Have you spoken to your H about what's going on with SD? Has he addressed her? You can't accept "she doesn't want to say anything" as an answer when it comes to SD. If she doesn't trust you she has to state why. She has to learn how to communicate. She could be going through some things and needs to speak to someone but taking no for an answer and not addressing it is a sure way for more drama.

Tell your H to handle this and if he doesn't I'd ignore her altogether. This shouldn't solely fall on your lap. H has to take a stance and find out what's going on with his D and why she's treating you this way.

jayfergie's picture

yes i talked to my H about this and he did ask her also about it. we had a family discussion last night about this and she said " i dont know" last night and H said that is not a good answer and asked why she does not trust me. i have been a mother to her did everything for her, take her shopping, to her friends house, etc. I agree she is just having some drama issues, i told her i am not going anywhere in this marriage that i am commineted to my H. we said we need to do a family talk each week about things.I try to look back and see if i acted this way to my mom or if my twin daughters acted this way to me after me and there father divorced.

i am glad i found this blog because i dont have any other resource for help since all our friends are still w same spouse and dont have step kids issues


hereiam's picture

Hmm, I wonder if BM was getting in her ear. Your husband needs to address this with your SD.

Don't walk on eggshells in your own home, she is the one with the attitude, it should be uncomfortable for HER, if she wants to act like that.

She is making herself the outsider, don't let her put those feelings of being the outsider on you. Don't give her that power.

Yes, teenagers are a moody bunch but saying that she now doesn't trust you, sounds like something else. My bet, is BM.

I always thought that my SD liked me (at least, a little). I have been in her life since she was 5, then, when she was a teenager, I found out what she really thought of me, due to lies her BM had told her.

Areyou's picture

When you said 13 year old SD I knew exactly what you would say next. This type of behavior is so typical. Here’s what I did.

1. Tell DH every time she’s rude to you

2. Ignore her completely. Don’t make eye contact, don’t converse with her, don’t ask her to do anything for you, don’t buy her anything, don’t cook for her, don’t discipline her, don’t do any favors for her. 

She will learn that behaviors have consequences especially when that person has no obligation to you.

You free yourself and you get to focus all your energy and resources on what matters to you like your own children and your DH.

ESMOD's picture

Teen drama is hard... girl teen drama..ughhh.

There are a couple of likely roots of the issue here.

1.  your DH's EX has been making comments about you.  Probably due to jealousy because I'm sure that your SD would say things like "SM and I did X or Y.. "  Any show of allegience or even liking you can turn a BM's green dragon envy on in a hurry.

2.  She has friends who also have SM's with poor relationships so they are giving her horror stories.  "just wait.. you know it's coming girl.. my SM was fine until X".

In the first situation.. I think it's going to be more effective if you don't try to have "team" meetings with her.. one on one.  Let her say what she wants without worry the other parental is going to hear it.  She may open up more.

I might try approaching her again and saying that if you have done something that makes her thing you can't be trusted.. you wish she would tell you what it was because you really didn't have any intention of doing that.  Make clear that you aren't trying to be her mom... because she already has one.  But, you care about her because she is part of your husband's life and you hope you can have a decent relationship because you are both in it for the long haul.

Finally, if it is her mom that is making the comments... she may be reluctant to betray mom by being honest about it.  I would continue to try to be as civil and non-reactionary as possible.  Don't go out of your way to probe her with questions about her day etc... and see if giving her some space helps too.


beebeel's picture

At least you haven't been trying with her for very long. I helped raise my SD since she was 4, but none of my efforts, time or money meant squat once she turned 13. 

Cover1W's picture

Personally, I wouldn't try dragging any information out of her.  If your DH wants to try that's up to him.  Meanwhile, you've asked, she's reticent and there's nothing you can do.  I would disengage from conversation with her, unless she wants to talk and is polite and reasonable.  If she continues to ignore you or be rude, then she gets no favors.  Since your DH seems to be on the same page with you, I would in this circumstance, let him know what you are doing in the kindest way possible.  Her actions and the way she treats others have real-world ramifications.

Harry's picture

if she continues to be rude and ignores you.  You have to disengage !  Meaning, ignore her,  No taking her any place. No money spent on her. No special food, No new clothes. Basically she is like a fly on the wall.  She had a BM and BF. Let them handle her now and latter. When things like cars come up. College, wedding all those expensive things. 

CLove's picture

I would basically disengage until SD matures a little more. So much drama! Oh! I dont trust SM anymore! Oh I cannot say why! Dont you want to know WHY? Oh the mystery!

Meh. Just move on doing your own thing. Put this mental energy towards yourself and your DH.

I have a HC BM High conflict Bio mother, and her kids are of course going to her, telling her stuff, and then I get in trouble. Recently, Munchkin SD12, who is going through puberty, has been having what I call "meltdowns", whereby I mention something, something maybe she doesnt like, and she will start crying, then I scramble to make sure she is ok, and happy, jumping through all sorts of hoops. its not worth it and I am starting to get resentful.

ANd she hasnt reached 13 yet. I know its going to get worse before it gets better! Hang tough sister!

Cover1W's picture

OMG - the mood swings.  SD12 was getting them this winter; DH would say something to her and she'd burst into tears and run from the room.  I had her almost doing this once earlier this summer when I was showing her how to do something.  I saw it coming and calmed her down first.  LOL - she's the most mild mannered kid too.  I told DH to just let her go and work it out...she eventually does and comes back normal again.  I remember doing that too, so it's understandable.

marblefawn's picture

Before we married, my adult SD told my husband she didn't trust me.

This is a convenient thing to say because it casts doubt on you without any evidence of anything. She has you doubting yourself and questioning your actions. Don't feel bad. It worked on me too...for a little while.

I love that you've agreed to have weekly family discussions. I love that your husband asked her why she doesn't trust you. Mine wasn't so kind to me and to this day, I'd love to have heard my SD's response if he had thought enough of me to ask her.

It sounds as if you're on the right track to proactively addressing this. Don't doubt yourself.