Where do I begin...The ex knew me while they were still married. I didn't realize the error in my ways till it was too late. What's done and said cannot be undone. They were officially divorced last year in November after being separated for almost two years. She moved the kids three hours away from us (legally!) and we drove twelve hours every other weekend and sometimes every weekend (I think it's important to get one on one time with them since they seem to fight for attention when they're all together). Then their father and I relocated to the same city as the kids. It was great till she wanted to move to Texas. Then all hell broke lose. Against my better judgement and our own selfish desires to stay in Florida, their father let his ex take the kids to Texas. We lived in Florida for three months without them which was horrible and then HE decided to make the move and I felt compelled by God to stay in Florida for another three months. I have yet to feel like it was a good choice to move here to Texas to be with him and his three kids with the ex always close by...it's tougher because the kids go back and forth to their dad and mom every other day...and there have been lots of last minute changes (which irk me to no end!) The kids need consistency..they need structure..and they're being passed between two very different household environments. Sometimes, more often lately, I have had a difficult time coping with all the chaos when it comes to the kids going back and forth. I can only imagine how they feel about it. And my hub and I have decided to live separately before we're married after living together for nearly three years..which adds more to the chaos! (unfortunately living separately threw quite a wrench into our relational abilities). My guy and I have been through a lot together..the divorce...moving...the ex hating my guts and puting the kids in an awkward situation on what's appropriate for them to feel towards me. Thank the Lord that through my efforts, I have been able to connect with the oldest of the three who can be quite the momma's girl (which is fine as long as she's nice and respectful- which hasn't always been the case). Things just turned around recently when I started taking more of an active approach to going over her homework with her...it's been glorious how receptive she is to this small act of involvement...I now find her volunteering that we go over her homework together and last night she gave me one of her best hugs yet! I find that my feminine side has some major benefits to building a stronger, more reliable relationship with my step children. I find that my fella's approach to her & her sister's sensitivity, sometimes melt downs, has been way too harsh to ever establish a closeness between him and his older daughters. I real feel very strongly about that he needs to be the number one man in their lives especially with boys finding the oldest girl especially attractive at school; I real feel the closeness between them is essential. But I can't make him do anything...all I can do is share my thoughts and observations and hope that it sinks in. What if it doesn't though? What if the relationship with them is never established as him being the number one man in her life (even after sooo many cautions on what is possible with a girl's heart left vulnerable!) and she is left unprepared on how to respond respectfully to the ways of young horny boys that she confuses with real feelings that are left unmet by her dad? I want to stay positive but I am still fight the fearful feelings about her not being my own and him being previously married to a woman who abused him and neglected him and mistreated his good heart and there being nothing I can do for his oldest daughter if she decides to go down a troubled path because she is not my own child? I understand that I have a special opportunity to become her friend...and that I can positively influence her towards a healthy, grounded, confident direction...I still think she needs parents who are equally involved and interested in her life more than they are concerned with their own selfish needs. Prevention is my goal...preparation and filling the voids of her needy heart..as well as her younger sister's heart and their brother's tender heart. The parents are definitely outnumbered...except there's me...and I find myself handling the kids a lot whenever my fella and I are all together. Sometimes I feel like it's just me who's truly taken an interest in these young people who are so vulnerable to the world...out of three adults!! They're great kids. The ex has got to be doing some things right and yet I feel like the kids are still being neglected...decisions to go out for dinner over at their moms house all the time seems irresponsible with money; money that could be going towards activities they could be involved in outside of school. Oh and finances have been very interesting lately with me not having a job...oh my. I'm very frugal with my spending...only on necessities..and cigarettes..which are horrible and I hate that I smoke...so does their dad...I hate the example I'm setting for the kids. I feel so weak!! And overwhelmed!! It feels impossible to quit smoking at this time. I want both of us to quit the nasty habit. I'd love to make peace with their mom! I'd love to seek counseling for our family and assist with healing the brokenness of my man's heart..as well as be better parents for "our" kids. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with all the drama when I'm twenty six and would love a family of my own. I'm not in a good place to make any more big changes in my life right now. Till then, I am open to words of advice, wisdom, encouragement and whatever else anyone who's reading this is willing to share. Thanks for hearing my heart.
Be well.
Sincerely,
Ash