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Step-Daughter Problems

james7's picture

Good Morning Everyone!

Firstly, thank you for reading my post and in advance, for any much appreciated advice you could give me!

Its almost exactly a year ago since i posted on this site, in truth, i may as well "copy-paste" my previous message as things are still the same, if not worse.

I will "start from the start" and try to be as brief as possible!!

Im 36 years old, from London, England and have been living in Mexico for 4 years. My wife, who is Mexican and i have been married for 3. My wife has a 17 year old daughter.

In hind-sight, i didnt take into consideration the cultural differences between us and our countries. My wife comes from a very poor background, has never had 2 pennies to rub together and has clearly not recieved a proper up-bringing educationally with regards to manners and morals.

This is part one of two which i just cant understand: I have come into their lives, changed everything for them (i have a very good career in high-level operations) and now we live in a fantastic house, drive great cars, i buy her lovely things (i love spoiling people) she has her own collection of gucci hand-bags, lots of vacations etc etc Also, i believe im a good husband, i buy her flowers every Friday, take her out to dinner every Thursday and Saturday and whatever i can do to make her feel special and loved, i will (or at least used to) Now, ofcourse im not portraying myself to be the perfect husband or person as it obviously doesnt exist, im impatient, stubborn and im sure many other things!! but i really try my best in everything i do.

On my wifes part, she does appreciate, says "thank-you" etc etc and well, thats about it.

The tough part: i have an 18 year old step-daughter.

In the 4 years we have been married, i have made every effort to make her feel comfortable and create a family. I have brought her great gifts, lap-tops etc and pay for her to go to the best school in the City. Vacations, alone with her mother, you name it. The absolute most i have ever got is a "half-hearted" thank-you which clearly, her mother had reminded her to say.

A typical conversation with her is: (me) "hey, how are you?" (her) "fine" (me) "how was your day?" (her) "good" (me) "what did you do?" (her) "nothing"

By which time i really lose a little interest and dont pursue the conversation! not once has she asked me how my day was etc. When i get home from work, she goes to her room. She stays in bed until 2pm on Saturdays and Sundays. There is an un-comfortable atmosphere in the house when we are both there as once i have asked my basic questions, she asks her mother to take her out.... never, ever invites me.

So basically, i feel completely and utterly used by them and like a sponsor to their lives.

Conclusion: help!!!!!!!!

from my point of view, i work extremely hard to provide for them, give them the very best in everything possible and on the part of the step-daughter, get absolutely zero back.... if its my birthday or Christmas or whatever, absolutely nothing.....

am i right to feel used, un-respected and a fool???????????????????????

Ok...enough!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to read me message and any help or advice you can give would be absolutely appreciated!

Kind Regards, James

Comments

Asher10's picture

The first thing that popped into my head is you're trying too hard to buy their love.It may make them uncomfortable to have you betowing such a lavish lifestyle on them.They may feel cornered as though there's a catch to all this.Of course they enjoy the lifestyle who wouldn't?but perhaps it's not what they need to feel loved and it serves more to make them spoiled and uncomfortable than it does to make them feel loved and needed.
The habits of your 18yr old sd seem to be the norm for many teens these days.it's not right and if you can't fix it without tearing apart your marriage take hope that when she is mature it will get better.
It sounds like you and your wife are extreme opposites without much in common.The way you speak of her lack of morals and educational experience and manners tells me you look down on her in many ways.I'm sure both her and her daughter feel this vibe from you and react accordingly.

Shannon61's picture

It's time to stop treating the SD like a princess or she'll never leave home. Why should she? She's living a pretty good life. You're making it much to easy for her to stay. Also, I agree regarding letting her set the tone for the relationship. This way you know what to expect, and it won't be a one way street with you doing all the trying.

My SD was the same way - would barely speak, walked around w/a chip on her shoulder, and did many crummy things to me. So now I speak, and go about my business. I'm not trying to be her buddy, really don't care how her day went, and don't ask about a lot of other who shot John BS questions. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have any children.

Finally, set goals for SD to start planning her life so she can move out and become self reliant. . . . . so you don't end up like me . .with SD still living at home . . at 27!