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Advice on my feelings and how to cope

Jad.80's picture

Without going through the 6 years of  stress with my husbands ex and kids I am needing advice to help with my resentment.

I hate the way my husbands kids treat him. One minute all is ok but then they'll igniore him or talk through message to him like something they've stood in. This is how it's been for too long now.

It's very obvious he's now only seen when they want something.

He does see this too but as he says he's there Dad.

But now when he mentions seeing them I get cross cause I know it's a want not because they miss him and then it won't be long again before he's on the bottom of there shoe again.

Seeing someone you love get treated like that  is actually makeing me extremely cross and very resentful. I don't want them in my life and i don't want to join in on any get togethers, but I know if I dont I wont have my husband.

Please help.

Comments

tog redux's picture

I don't know how old your skids are, but my SS19 also treats DH like dirt.  He was totally alienated for over 3 years, and even though he's back now, he's still BM's little foot soldier.

While he's not rude to DH, per se, he cancels on him last minute, rarely initiates contact with him, withholds information about college grades (despite DH paying half), and is just generally a liar.

I currently do not have anything to do with him, I let DH know I do not want to, and he's OK with that. DH is doing what he can to keep a relationship with his son (without buying his love), but he's pretty close to giving up.

It's very sad to watch, but it's DH's call on how he deals with his son.  Just be supportive and set boundaries where needed.

Cover1W's picture

OSD, who is now aliented, treated DH horribly.  However, he started standing up for himself and calling her on her attitude and oh how she hated that.  So she left.  It's a long story...

YSD is starting to do similar things, but mostly the silent treatment. I simply told him that she doesn't get to do that and to not accept no answer for an answer.  But he has no idea how to handle it.  He's got some parenting info I hope he reads (but I doubt it).  Otherwise, I think she'll end up going the same way OSD did.

Passive/Disney parenting will not keep the kids.

Wilhelm's picture

My sDs are the same. Only make contact when they are after something.

I find it very hard to bite my tongue and not interfere. My DH is elderly and ill. I asked him if he wanted me to notify his skids but he declined. I let his brother know. 

It is very hard to butt out but perhaps it is for the best.

shamds's picture

I made it very clear this manipulative guilt tactic the skids use is something i will not expose our kids to. His kids with ex are so used to ignoring him for months then guilt manipulate him into pampering them and expect he drop everything for them.

Except this affects our family time too and they want exclusive access and play imaginary happy family excluding us and that hurts hubby but he doesn’t know how to cope and feels guilty telling them off.

hubby knows this behaviour isn’t ok and our kids will resent his kids with ex when they see their lazy entitled rude asses so i feel i have a right to speak up to hubby, its a slow long hard process to deal with.

once hubby gets over the guilt telling his kids off, he realises how liberating it is standing up for himself and not being treated like crap

at present i have refused to meet up or be present at inlaws events with skids being present or when they did imaginary happy time sitting there in silence so when hubby would try to coax me into these visits I sarcastically said “Right so you want me to waste 8 hours with 2 toddlers playing taxi picking up 2 adult skids,a 14 yr old and sit in awkward silence them barely talking to one another and expecting expensive take out then disappearing for a while to do shopping and expect you taxi them back home and you call that constructive family time and your kids with ex miss all of us and say it all the time?? Yeah well they really show it (my sarcastic tone)”

so last time hubby took them to the food court for their last lunch as imaginary happy family. These skids still think they have hubby by the balls and i’m just so busy at home but i seee right through the bullshit and every few months sd22 will tell daddy “send my regards to mummy (me) as she calls her bio mum something different in their language and hubby never passes it on to me because its so fake.

they don’t get to pick and choose when they want to be a family so if you treat your dad like shit and not as a father you remain in contact with, hubby shouldn’t be expected to drop everything for them, they’re at the bottom of the queue for priority of his time subject to our planned scheduled activities and that should and will not change till they behave better