"I don't want to be wrong." - DH
Every couple of days, for as long as we've been married, there's usually something that DH or I am unsure about. Trivial things, like if my BS is going to eat one or two dinners (he is in sports and is constantly hungry), or which pet barfed. I usually say I'll bet DH and the bet is always small like a single dime or loser has to do a pet chore. And it's 50/50 whether I say what it is that I bet or I ask him what his guess so I take the opposite/other. So it's not like I know and I'm setting him up.
Last night I said to DH that I've been doing this for years, asking him to bet against a small thing but he's never done it...why? (I was wondering if I was getting annoying or if he had some bad family or friend history with betting, and just curious.) So, why not take the bet?
"I don't want to be wrong."
I had an ah-ha moment then. This is a core reason for many, many things in our marriage and parenting. He doesn't want to be wrong. If I apply that as the root cause of why things went the way they did, or why he argued with me when the evidence was right there in his face, or why he said something the way he did, so many, many things in our marriage and parenting are explained. People don't want to be wrong but this seems to be amplified more than is usual.
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This is my DH! OMG. Didn't
This is my DH! OMG. Didn't realise this was a thing!
If you even go anywhere near the vicinity of suggesting that something he does isn't 100% perfect... he loses it. The wall of pissy defensiveness goes up and his mouth fires away all these ridiculous excuses. OR I get stonewalled. Radio silence and subject is changed.
The MOST infuriating thing ever. I have told him so many times that communication is so important. If I can't talk to you then who am I supposed to talk to? I understand that it's linked to his past, how he was raised and all of the hurt and trauma he has been through but dang!
So frustrating!!
Yup, happens here, too
If I am not 100% complimentary about a specific thing then I have 200% told him that everything about him is bad.
Oh this rang so many bells
Oh this rang so many bells with me- I have expereinced this all my life from some people who just can't bear to be wrong or make mistakes.
I was in a meeting recently where a man told me outright that he never makes mistakes (I had just pointed out a few of them!). Astonished at his arrogance I told him that his biggest mistake was to say he never made mistakes!
At least your DH had insight into this truth about himself, something TheX would not have admitted to.
We all make mistakes, but not everyone learns from them, and that is the real mistake!
TheX had never learned from his past mistakes and so continued to repeat them- and I had my first insight into his intense dislike of being wrong when we were involved in a slight motoring altercation- TheX had gotten into the wrong lane and did not signal, causing another driver to have to stop.
Yes, the driver saw it as an excuse to have a go- but TheX was wrong and should have just apologised. Instead this fracas ensued in which TheX showed himself to be petulant and immature- and I had never seen this side to him. He just couldn't admit he'd made a mistake and it was on my mind for weeks afterwards.
Fast forward to the break-up of our relationship and the counselling sessions- TheX revealed to the counsellor that he was leaving me because I always had to be right! What???? I saw this as a slight on my character and that I hadn't always admitted my mistakes but no, I am often the first peron to say- 'so, I got that wrong, I'll try not to do it again.'
In the end I realised he just couldn't deal with his own mistakes, his flawed manhood. One of those mistakes was me- I did the right thing and left!!!
I'm not so sure it's insight
He doesn't analyze stuff that deeply. I think he was responding only to the betting question and not as insight to his persona.
There are two different
There are two different issues here to me: betting and not wanting to be wrong.
Not wanting to be wrong, doesn't mean you aren't wrong. It is not the same thing. You can not want it, but you still remain in the wrong... I don't know why your DH is afraid of being wrong. When you are, it is a learning and growth opportunity if one sees it as such. Why does he have this fear? No one is all knowing. Fear of being wrong can also mean inaction - so nothing happens because he gets stuck... Educated guess based on the best available facts is still not certainty, but it is a basis for a judgment call. Not wanting to be wrong indicates a lack of insight and unwillingness to learn (especially from mistakes) to me.
Betting? I am less concerned over this and would probably side with your DH on this. I do not bet on trivial things and I rarely bet. If I do bet, it is with the confidence that I will win... Otherwise, no thanks. Chance and thing I have no control over are not things I bet on. Doesn't interest me and I can not see the point of it.
HOWEVER, I will bet you, ITB2012, you have a greater appetite for risk, are able to make better future judgments than DH, are more adaptable and able to "roll with the punches" than your DH...
It is just a personally difference here.
I agree
The silly betting thing was just the situation that resulted in the answer. And I am not a gambler and I don't think anyone would say I'm a betting person. Which is why I thought initially that perhaps he didn't do the little bets because he, like you, saw no point in them.
This is one of the red flags
This is one of the red flags of narcissism. They are never wrong. It is always someone else's fault, you heard them wrong, they never said/did that, on and on!