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He really does just want to fight

ITB2012's picture

DH is upset with me because I didn't respond to his text messages. He was gone on a business trip and sent me five messages, each one was just a piece of information (like "the plane is almost empty"). I did read them, I didn't think they needed a response. It has been a super busy week. I was getting so ahead and behind myself that I walked away with someone else's grocery cart and didn't realize it until I was six aisles away.  Okay. I apologized. He said it again. I apologized again. I didn't get upset nor did I fall all over myself to effusively apologize. I gave a short but real apology.

He kept going and made some statements about why I didn't respond that assumed thoughts, feelings, and words from me. I swallowed after he said those things and he jumped on that as evidence I thought/felt/would say those things. I stated that I was stopping myself from engaging with him when he puts thoughts in my head, feelings in my heart, and words in my mouth.

Then he started in on an old topic. I calmly said that that's not the topic at hand (and it had zero to do with the present one, it was out of nowhere) and I'm not going to discuss it.

This is exhausting.

P.S. A few other interesting tidbits. In a previous conversation/goad-session to get me to fight that I got sucked into he went a new way with blaming me for the kids ending up at BMs HS, and in his rant he said that everyone was a woman so what chance did he have. This is another one in a long series of vaguely sexist comments he's made over the years. Also, in that blame-game this was a new way that I had screwed it up for him, it could be true, but it doesn't jive with things he said before. And finally he said he is going to see a therapist to talk about the content of the letter he was going to deliver to my therapist.

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hereiam's picture

And finally he said he is going to see a therapist to talk about the content of the letter he was going to deliver to my therapist.

More power to him. He needs therapy, alright.

Steptotheright's picture

Don't you love it when they bring up past events where you have said you were sorry, and they repeatedly bludgeon you over the head with it and put it around your neck like a millstone while you're in a deep-sea? These types of people never forgive.

Gimlet's picture

Agreed.  It's unfair and unproductive and usually a way to deflect from their own issues.  

futurobrillante99's picture

This is pure manipulation and projection. Yes. He wants to fight. He wants to dump all of his stuff in your lap and make you the scapegoat. My XH2 was like this.

So, I'm seeing/talking to the widower BF again because he's in therapy and that was my requirement of him before I would do so.

He has told me time and again how myopic he is. That's likely true. But I have noticed that there are time when he is with family or on a hike with his meetup group a couple hours away where he goes on a communication blackout from the time he leaves his house until he's back in his house.

However, if I take a while to respond (we've gone as long as about 24 hours on some occasions without either one of us responding to the other's text), he thinks I'm mad at him. Sometimes I am, but sometimes I'm just doing my thing and there's no need to respond.

One day a couple weeks ago, I had an important meeting on a topic that had been bothering me for a couple months. I texted him that I was headed in and to send good thoughts. That text went ignored for 6 hours. I called him at 5pm and he was instantly testy.  I asked if every was okay and he got defensive saying that he's sorry he didn't respond IMMEDIATELY and he doesn't keep his phone with him CONSTANTLY. Turns out he was having lunch with his daughter - a time when he ignores the rest of the world. Because of his snarky tone, I made the decision to give up texting....and I have stuck with it for 2 weeks. It's made my life infinitely better, but he didn't like the idea of email or having to CALL me (perish the thought). I like that email is NOT immediate whereas a text is almost immediate. An email can sit for hours and people get less rankled than if you ignore a text for hours.

Sooooo, I've started adopting his practices. From now on, I will NOT have my phone on me constantly and when I am away at events, activities and with my friends or family, I will also adopt his communication blackout policy.

This means that when I am away this weekend, I will turn off my phone when I arrive and not turn it back on until I check out of my weekend retreat. Next weekend when I'm away with friends for a festival, I will not communicate with him until I'm back in my house on Sunday and settled in. When I am having dinner with friends - no communication.

He's not like your husband, but he can be pretty lazy and kinda selfish. He doesn't want to have to work to hard to communication and tends to get myopic. Well, I can be myopic, too, and I can predict with a fair degree of certainty that he is not going to like it very much. It's so much easier when I'm available all the time. LOL

futurobrillante99's picture

Define "take him back". Girl, relax. You have no idea how casual this is. I haven't "taken him back" because, honestly take him back where? I don't live with him and we're not married. We're just talking and going to some events together while he sorts out his crap with the therapist.

If we see each other for a meal once a week over the next 4-6 weeks, it'll be a miracle. I won't waste your time showing you my calendar, but I'm busy with my friends, hobbies and meetup group. You'd laugh your ass off if you had the details.

I'm highly non-commital until we get past the 5th anniversary of his late wife's passing. I want to see how he copes.

I'm now seeing a therapist, too, and during the time I'm not seeing much of the widower, we're working through whether his behavior is indicative of character flaws or bad habits and unfinished grieving.

I have a very good therapist and I'm taking things day by day. Wink

futurobrillante99's picture

Who's playing games? I'm busy AF and he's been going to a grief therapist for over a month and has owned some of his crap while making changes. I'm not convinced, but he's fun to hang out with, on occasion. It's all very super casual and not as serious as things were before the holidays.

I'm working with a therapist on my crap and trying to figure out what's best for me while observing his actions. We are very low contact and only see each other once a week. With my schedule, it will be like that for a while.

And there is one thing I really like about knowing him, aside from being fun to hang around with. Why shouldn't I partake?

Gimlet's picture

I'm not trying to give you shit for the sake of it.  It read like you adopted his practice because of how he was treating you, which felt a bit like having to play games with him.  If not, then cool.  I updated when you replied to lieutenant with additional information, hope it goes well. 

Have a good weekend! 

futurobrillante99's picture

Oh darling, it's okay. I'm feisty but I'm not mad. LOL

I am adopting his practices for balance. I'm actually making quite a few changes to my use of blue screens and electronics. I'm trying to put them away and not look at them MORE.

I think it helps me to be more present. He's already doing some of these things but I think he will not like it when I am doing them, too. I think he prefers me to be more available.

ITB2012's picture

My DH does this, too. Down to the same offended attitude. I did not mention that it's okay for him to ignore my texts, calls, emails, etc. but it's not okay for me to do it.

The things he expects of others should not be expected of him.

Livingoutloud's picture

He and the whole relationship sound very unhealthy but if it's just for fun (or other enjoyable things) I see no harm in it. I once had a very unhealthy brief relationship with a no good guy but sex was so great that I didn't even care. As long as you are getting something out of it, there is no harm. Jusf don't get hurt and don't let him dictate how this relationship is going, other than that have fun.