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The aftermath from the restaurant..

islandgal2021's picture

On Sunday we were still reeling from the restaurant.  SO was very subdued and quiet.  I was still steaming but stayed calm – just trying to absorb everything that happened.  I also realised I’d lost my phone.  I had it with me at the restaurant and had used it to take a few photos of the floral arrangements at the restaurant.  I discovered it missing when we returned home.  Rang the restaurant but they didn’t have it.  I haven’t seen it since – so not sure what the hell happened to it.

SO decided he would have a talk with the twins.  That went down well – not.

They told him the reason they acted that way was because:
- I haven’t been talking to them the same way since SO and I got together
- He wasn’t treating them the same way
- They never saw him anymore – didn’t he even care?
- The dogs missed him
- they hated the way he acted now
- We displayed too much PDA in the restaurant
- When they were in my apartment, apparently, I tried to hug Bossy, who cannot stand to be touched, and I was too pushy - (fact: I never even approached her – she is colder than a witches tit, and I’d rather hug a polar bear than touch her).
- They believed that I owed them an apology – 1) due to me trying to hug Bossy, and 2) for being too familiar with them about their Dad (I had told them that he was a perfect fit for me, and they took this to mean that he was my sex-God).

They then demanded that he either split his time equally between them and I – or dedicate at least 2 days a week with just them.  SO actually thought this may be a good idea and suggested it to me.  I had instant flash-backs of how this went horribly in my last relationship however, THAT was due to a teenager.  These were two 35 year old – grown ass women.  WTF? I told him I would NOT be manipulated or dictated to on how my relationship with him would progress.  If he entertained this idea, then we would be having problems.  I didn’t need to be Nostradamus to see how that would turn out.

A few days later, he was going to come and join me for dinner at my apartment.  I get a phone call round 5.30pm from him saying he’s going to be having dinner with the twins, as Bossy had taken a meal over, cooked for them by BM.  That made me feel as uncomfortable as fuck. So, BM still cooked for them? Good grief. 

I told him to enjoy it and to stay there for the night – no need to come over if he wasn’t having dinner with me.  I hung up and just felt – weird.  The whole thing just made me uncomfortable.  He tried calling back but I ignored it and went downstairs to the restaurant to have dinner. Later, I went to bed.

The next day, he called me and asked me why I didn’t answer the phone.  I told him straight up that I was just uncomfortable with the whole situation and wanted to take time out to think about things.  He then told me that he’d been calling me from his car and was downstairs of my apartment.  He could’ve rung the damn intercom – but he didn’t think of that (was too stressed out). 

We talked and he ended up coming over the next day with the promise that he wouldn’t be doing that again – no dinners from BM and no more trying to schedule in time with the twins.  He realised that by giving them what they wanted, was not a good start to our relationship and became determined to support us from then on.  He also realised that he needed to start letting go too and let them start to find their own way towards being independent.

Next attempt by twins.. when we went away for a weekend..


shamds's picture

From 2 yrs ago when they were like 23 & 13.

non stop rants of bio mum and stepdad who had an affair whilst married to my husband and tried playing poor innocent victim. 

then came the pretending i and my 2 kids with hubby weren't there. Hubby wanted us present at weekend meets because we are his family too. 3 visits in of wasting my time to see 3 skids sit in silence unless it was bio mum this and stepdaddy that and i put my foot down never again

the next meet on a weekend he left 11am, didn't get home till 7pm. I had a 1 & 2.5 yr old kids to care for alone, hubby didn't think to buy a meal or check on us. He is busy at work all week leaving around 7 and home 10pm at earliest as an essential worker so i not only had the kids all week, had them all weekend too.

he didn't sleep in our bedroom that night. He slept in the spare bedroom downstairs and it dawned on him that whilst he played chauffeur for 3 skids (2 adults who are capable of making an effort for hubby but chose not to) he then sat through a lunch of them pretending we didn't exist and non stop bio mum this and stepdaddy that. 

it hurt my husband that we are a part of his family and skids don't get that and force there to be separation and as grown arse adults, they were trying to force themselves as a priority. Barely 2 months later ss21.5 demanded daddy take him and his sisters (sd's) on a  fancy holiday, me and our 2 kids expected to stay home. Here's the kicker, "it was our 3rd wedding anniversary weekend"

hubby told me to book tickets and hotel and sd's and ss would be coming. My answer was a firm "NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!"

i told hubby that he would be getting a divorce if he thought it even remotely acceptable that for our anniversary weekend, that he was bringing 3 feral disrespectful skids along to ignore me snd our 2 young kids, rant on about bio mum and stepdad when hubby had been so busy with work and said we wouldn't be able to celebrate our anniversary but could for my birthday the following month. Suddenly disrespectful ss demands a holiday & instantly hubby is available. Where are your priorities??

that was an extremely difficult period in our marriage and i truly wanted out. I have never wanted to be at any event or place skids will be at. I have refused to be with sd's since late 2018. 

oh they sure played the you abandoned us to marry your wife and have 2 kids with her. They abandoned him and cut off contact for 5 yrs!! Their temporary crumbs of affection are dependent in him taking them to fancy restaurants and so they can brag to inlaws how upperclass they are being related to white people (my kids) when they have no relationship. My kids don't even know who skids are (half siblings) and do not acknowledge or recognise them as a brother or sisters.

our kids have an unconditional relationship with their dad that skids do not. The love my husband has for our 2 kids surpasses those of skids because of all the issues and disrespect they bring. 

i pre-empted the sd miniwives and countered their manouevres. They can't do anything anymore. I don't torture myself with their presence

islandgal2021's picture

It's just unrelenting isn't it? I don't get why the hell they just don't grow the hell up and get off Dad's tit for Gods sake! Wish they'd just bloody move on already! You keep on pre-empting their shit - it'll drive them bonkers.  Twins (I absolutely REFUSE to refer to them as SDs) are losing it because I'm not playing their game. 

It does depend a lot on their Dad's though - he has to be the one to show them that it's not just all about them anymore.

shamds's picture

They try to be alpha female and there can only be 1. When i would go on these meets and hubby pushed our kids in the stroller, both sd's were side by side with daddy and i was expected to walk well behind. Hell no!! I usually had some of the kids stuff as we left the restaurant and would tell hubby to wait so i could put it in stroller basket and then walk next to my husband, those 2 sd's followed behind

1 time for lunch they were dressed like going to a formal dinner so over the top for a food court cafe for lunch when we were all dressed casual. Eldest sd jokes "me and my sister are overly dressed hahaha" that was met by no reactions or responses from me or my husband. 

family weddings and engagements that sd's went to, they were sitting next to hubby at all time and if inlaws tried to start a conversation it was just giggles and yes no answers. My sils asked me in private what is wrong with them? Why bother coming if you won't participate as a family. Then being glued the whole time to hubby? Seriously my toddlers had way more independence.

they suspected the crap going on and jaws were dropped when i told them what I experienced. I made it very clear any fanily events they were gonna be at i and my 2 kids would remain home. 

late 2018, my husbands nephew got engaged, we actually have a bedroom at hubbys childhood home. It never existed before when hubby was married to exwife as was an usused part of home his sisters converted to a bedroom and added a wall so we had privacy, after the engagement we stayed overnight.

the next morning at 7am whilst my 2 little kids were sleeping, me and hubby inside, there was batshit banging on our door followed by "daddy daddy daddy" whilst my husband was having sex with me (he had his you know what inside of me), my husband got up, got dressed to open the door. The non emergent emergency? Sd23 wanted a bag of sugar she got the day before for her aunt who wasn't even gonna use it or need it. Something sd could have waited 30mins for hubby to leave the room.

my husband stupidly walked her to the car to get it and comes into our room to say "I don't think we're getting any sex this weekend" and i responded with "well not with your daughters here"

he and his miniwives killed any mood of intimacy for a while and i made it very clear to my husband this shitshow would not happen again and sd23 was lucky it wasn't me opening that door because she would be in tears. My kids were waking up from her rude banging and she knew full well we had a 1 & 2.5 yr old inside. Closed doors means do not interrupt unless urgent like house being broken into or on fire etc.

since then, hubby knows not to push me. He loves our intimacy too much and knows his kids ruin it. Any holidays me hubby and our 2 kids take usually have sd's messaging hubby with some bs non emergent emergency. One time it was a cousin of sd had applied for a job at hubbys work, sucked at the interview and wasn't shortlisted. Wanted hubby to get her to jump the queue and get a job as a bankteller. This cousin looked 10 yrs old. Hubby said if she failed it was out of his hands because she wasn't good enough. When hubby arrived back to his country he didn't bother following up. Why should he do favours for such an abusive dysfunctional family that has had nothing to do with him in decades??

islandgal2021's picture

WTF! I would've reigned holy hell down on my SO if he left me to tend to his skids during intimacy! Friggin' hell! He would not be touching me for a long time after that - and I'd make sure I'd torture him by wearing sexy lingerie while I cooked etc.. so happy for you that he's woken up and is standing up for you guys!

shamds's picture

Sd's to behave this way, he could go to them for sex because they were acting like his wives. That grossed him out and he could see it from my view. December 2019 eldest sd who was about to turn 24 decided she had time to meet daddy after almost 2 yrs working just down the road from daddy. She found out daddy had withdrawn a large amount of savings to buy a home in my country of birth. 

hubby told skids he'd bought a home o/seas, (its solely in my name so skids and exwife cannot touch it!!) Hubby told her that she had no business to answer me back when it came to the parenting of my kids with hubby. I'm the stay at home housewife and the resident expert, sd's answering back and doing inappropriate things is concerning to my husband. He put eldest sd in her place by telling her off that i am his wife and he will support me 100% in my decisions regarding the kids because i know more what is appropriate or works.

he also told her how inappropriate and disrespectful it was for her to non stop with her sister rant on about their mum and stepdad when no one asked anything about them. Hubby made it very clear that i am his wife and his only concern, not the exwife or stepdad. 

bio mum has been married to stepdad for 12 yrs now, she is stepdads problem. Hubby told his eldest sd that any concern or responsibility towards bio mum ended with the divorce and he has never thought or cared about her since then and doesn't need to since he has a wife and 2 young kids. How great must that have been for eldest sd to report back to bio mum that  hubby made it very clear he found it wholly inappropriate that bio mum or stepdad are non stop inserted into any conversations to try make them relevant when they are not part of our family unit or relevant to any conversations we have and it needs to stop.

what is disturbing is sd's know their mum cheated on their dad with affair hubby #2 and have no shame talking about him like he's the best dad even when he and exwife kicked them out of home at the first opportunity they could. Sd's are living in a home my husband bought for them rent free. Its beyond fuc*ed up!! Its resentment hubby has that I don't think will ever go away

Kes's picture

I hadn't read your previous post about the restaurant meal - so went back to do so - and one thing struck me above all else - reading your new post.  After the incident with the restaurant meal your SO was irate about how his daughters behaved etc, but then goes to see them and eat with them soon after and is all over them again.  He actually thought it was a "good idea" to dedicate 2 days a week to two adult women with their own lives?  I'm sorry but this is completely barmy. They need to grow up and he needs to, too.  I would keep your relationship with him low key until and unless you start to see some solid evidence of this. 

islandgal2021's picture

Oh absolutely! I felt the same way too - kind of betrayed y'know? It was as though he understood what they did - but forgave their awful behaviour by rewarding them with more time.  That's why it made me feel weird - I knew it was wrong and yet, I couldn't quite put my finger on it until later.  That 'good idea' backfired on him big time when I told him to stay with them that night.

He's so used to being manipulated by them, he doesn't see it - until I came along. It's such a process because they're so ingrained with eachother - it's like ripping off a gigantic big duct-tape - not a bandaid.  I did start to keep my distance after that - trying to protect myself in case he just gave in to them, which so far, thankfully, he hasn't and is starting to protect us more.

They also don't have their own lives - it revolves around SO and BM.  Hoping like hell they start to be more independent and do things on their own - even if they have to have it drummed into their heads and beaten around their ears - it's either that, or just move back in with BM and live with her forever.

thinkthrice's picture

I have two grown bios and they would NEVER, EVER want "just thinkthrice time 2 days a week." Nauseating.  Of course H had been pandering all these years so a precedent had been set. 

islandgal2021's picture

I reckon! I asked my grown Son's if they would even think about doing this - oh, they laughed and laughed and said "no bloody way! we have our own brood to take care of!"

DPW's picture

He ate BM's cooked dinner with the twins AFTER the restaurant incident? Is he dense? I'd keep him at arms length until I seriously saw improvements on his end by his own willingness. 

islandgal2021's picture

Oh yes! I wanted to vomit when he told me that.  when it comes to the twins - the man loses his mind - but he's learning... and he has stopped that nonsense - otherwise I would've cut it with him immediately.  No way am I putting up with that crap.  Hell, my ex used to beg our Son's to sneak him some of my home-cooked meals when they went to see him on the weekend.  They told him "yeh sure - and have Mum kick our asses to the ocean - sorry, Dad, no can do -we can get you her recipe though".. lol! 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Islandgal Bossy and whiney are actually comical, as annoying as it is. I cannot dang imagine my daddio devoting two days a week to me as a grown ass woman. Hope your DH keeps stepping up to the plate. You do know at the very least you can have fun with this. PDA has become your specialty. Calling for group hugs is your logo  Wink

Eating BM's dinner, fluck that . It would be a long time before I cooked for him again.

islandgal2021's picture

They sure can be - my sister loves it when I tell her the stories - she gets shocked and then just cracks up at their obvious antics. She also loves how I block their! SO has gone full speed ahead with supporting me and is also starting to refuse them when they start their ridiculous requests and has put his foot down.  

I also told him he wouldn't be touching my home-cooked meals if he's happy to eat BM's - and that he could bloody well continue staying in that toxic triangle of theirs and I'll be out.  That freaked him out and he told Bossy that he won't be joining them for BM's meals anymore.  Bossy, no doubt, would have been furious at this - but oh well, maybe she could learn to cook herself.

Findthemiddle's picture

That is a really weird dynamic. Your boyfriend essentially is allowing a situation where you and the sds are fighting an open turf war over him.   It's kind of gross.  I don't know if it would be worth it to pursue such a situation- life's short- there are people out there who are normal.   Why bother with these nuts?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I agree. It's kind of "ew." Is he really worth fighting 2 35-year-old twins over? Ask him to picture himself at 35. Where was he living, what was he doing? Then ask him to picture himself asking his Mommy or Daddy to devote a full 2 days a week to only seeing him. Maybe he will realize how screwed up things are? 

islandgal2021's picture

I absolutely struggled with this at the beginning.  That was what we had spoken about as well.  Told him that I didn't want a relationship like this.  If we were going to work - they needed to be kept out and far away from me.  It's taken a few months, but I have only seen them a few times since then - I don't interact with them unless I absolutely have to.

He also realises that he wasn't helping them by keeping them close - he's grown a lot stronger and is more vocal in keeping them away now.  They don't like it and continue fighting - but he sticks to his guns and doesn't budge now.

My 3 Son's have also been a big help - he see's how they accept us and support us as opposed to his terror-2 and he's trying to get them to do the same.  He's feddup to his teeth with them and knows they will use emotional blackmail now - the "we won't see you anymore" has begun and his response so far has been "fine - do what you have to do - just get on with your lives".  

hereiam's picture

He also realised that he needed to start letting go too and let them start to find their own way towards being independent.

Hahahahaha! He's just realizing this, now? They are 35 years old.

They then demanded that he either split his time equally between them and I – or dedicate at least 2 days a week with just them. SO actually thought this may be a good idea and suggested it to me.

The fact that he was even thinking of giving in to their demands, that he even brought it up to you (and thought it was a good idea), is not a good sign.

Sorry, I just feel that at this stage of your life, having to play defense against these grown ass women is a bit much. If I ever have to date again (God forbid), whoever I date better already have his shit together (and his adult kids in line), he's had plenty of time.

islandgal2021's picture

Oh man - you and me both! It was just so damn mind-boggling to me! When I ask him what the fuck he was thinking? He said it was because of when they had cancer at 20.  The coddling and spoiling started then - however, they recovered and the pattern was set.  He didn't even see it until we started dating.  He still struggled in the early months with me because they threw the guilt-tactics at him and made  him feel awful.  I asked him if he really wanted to have his own life - or did he just want to coddle them until he carked it?  He see's now and he's getting stronger.  If I felt he wasn't - I have no qualms in leaving - I can do that.

caninelover's picture

These two...I love how they make their crappy behavior your fault.  Just like Bratty.

No wonder these two are single.  What BF would want to go on a date to Daddy's house to eat BM's dinner?

islandgal2021's picture

Honestly! Bossy's had 1 relationship - and now apparently, she doesn't like to be touched.  There was one time when my eldest Son was over at their place having a beer with SO.  Bossy reckons he tried to pick her up because he slapped her thigh while he was laughing at some joke they had shared. Eldest BS has known her for 4 years and has lived with his fiancee and 2 kids for 5 years.  He has never showed any interest in Bossy. 

When SO told me about this, I laughed my ass off and told him BS wouldn't touch her aloof ass with a 10 foot pole.  BS was shocked, when he found out - then also laughed and said she wasn't his type.  He likes petite girls, and Bossy is an amazon - about 5'8" and a size 16/18. 

Whiny is - well, whiny - she whinges about everything and anything and is very high maintenance, so she'd need a sugar daddy to take care of her needs.

ESMOD's picture

I don't see a huge issue with him spending some time occasionally with his daughters.. but 2 days a week to carve out for two adults? that seems pretty excessive.. Maybe a meal a week.. like a lunch out or something.

That BM cooked the dinner? that is definitely weird... and I would also be a bit put off by him wanting to come over to your place after his "dinner date" with his daughters..  I mean.. fine, you want to have plans that night with your adult kids.. that's great.. I will plan to do something else.. don't expect I am just sitting at home twiddling my thumbs waiting for you.

islandgal2021's picture

Oh I don't care if he spends time with them - just not because they demand it and not at the expense of our relatioinship.  They really don't care about that - they just want things back to normal for them. Which is, having SO as their ATM/slave doing their every bidding.

As for BM cooking dinner - yep - I definitely found that weird.  Wouldn't bother me if she did it for her daughters (who really should be cooking for themselves, anyway) but weird for SO to partake, for sure. 

No way was I going to be sitting at home like some love-sick teenager waiting for him to come to me after breaking our dinner date - stuff that.

Survivingstephell's picture

Thanks for taking the time and giving us all another story to follow.  I would have serious ptsd if I did mine.  Once was enough.  It is good for the newbies to read , see how it starts, how men fall for it all and the destruction that follows when allowed to flourish. This is not normal behavior.  Divorce is not an excuse for dysfunction but the result.  

islandgal2021's picture

You're very welcome - it's therapeutic for me also. I kept a journal mainly because of my last relationship failing due to mini-wife, psychotic BM and a possessive MIL.  I've been gas-lit and made to feel like some paranoid twit - so no way am I ever letting that happen to me again.  Hopefully my story will also help newbies who are beginning relationships with adult daughters - they'll need the tools to combat the mini-wife/wives.

Winterglow's picture

I am astounded that a pair of grown women think they can negotiate custody of their father ... because that's what it boils down to, they want the bigger chunk of "visitation". 

islandgal2021's picture

You and me both Winterglow - I thought I was in some kind of twilight zone because they're grown adults.  Goes to show the level of dysfunction a toxic relationship can 'cause - and boy, it was dysfunctional.  Throw in an irresponsible, selfish, egotistical, utterly useless BM and you have it all.

islandgal2021's picture

Absolutely 100% It's all about them - always.  They want to control SO and are furious that his wallet is firmly shut to them now and he no longer plays the "spend time with us" game with them.

Kaylee's picture

My ex's daughter was similar to these twins... demanding that Daddy spend more time at home with her.

It's pathetic. Get a life of your own! 

If I would ring, she would sigh, crash doors, come in and out of the room and say to him "how long are you going to be on the phone for?" etc. 

Also, she would get shitty if I came over and she hadn't been told beforehand about it. WTF? Whose house is it, and who pays all the god-damned bills?? 

I said to him, get tough with her!!! Tell her it's a privilege that she lives here, not a right. And you are under no obligation to inform her about your private life or ask her "permission" to invite someone over.


islandgal2021's picture

It's just beyond pathetic.  These disney Dads are doing their daughters NO favours by continuing to coddle them.  Imagine when they have boyfriends - if they don't get treated the way their daddy treats them, no relationship of theres is going to last.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Dinner ala BM? 

Visitation schedule with 35 year olds.

My left eye is twitching... *shok*