Well. After going back and forth like a yoyo in my relationship, I have decided to finally just end it. I feel relieved, sad and a little anxious – but also happy. I’ve realised that SO just isn’t the man for me. It took 5 years for me to finally get it.
The dramas that we went through during the first couple of years, was something I thought I could handle, as long as we had eachothers back. After counselling and believing that we were on the same page, I hoped that he would learn to cherish me the way I did him.
I didn’t count on the gaslighting (learnt that term here) and the manipulations. I didn’t count on the passive aggressiveness that he became so good at, that I thought I was losing my mind at one stage. He became so damn good at pushing my buttons until he got the reaction he wanted. Me absolutely furious and going off at him. He would then stare at me with wide eyes asking what on earth was WRONG with me.
This man has been damaged by his ex. He has told me that he doesn’t trust me with our future and will never trust me with finances. Even though I have never given him reason not to. This is all due to his ex who took him for everything and left him with an enormous debt. Therefore, in his eye, all women are tainted and never to be trusted. My love for him will never be enough for him to have faith in me.
I learnt that he has his priorities and responsibilities backwards and have now accepted this. His #1 priority will always be his kids, then his mother, then .. maybe..me. I can’t remember the last time he took me out on a date or was even romantic with me. He treated me like the child and his Son like his partner. This was clear when I asked him what we were doing this Valentines Day and his answer was “do I have SS14?”.
Last Valentines Day we spent together was in 2015 when I shouted him to a comedy show with dinner. It was his turn in 2016 but I lost my niece on Valentines Day and had to fly to her funeral overseas. I got stuck in a cat-5 cyclone and my return trip home was delayed by 3 days. I caught a cab home from the airport. I rang the doorbell and he opened the door and called out “Moms home” to my Son, without giving me a welcome hug home, until I went up to him. That still hurts me today.
The constant bickering and nit picking. The smart ass comments and hurtful barbs. The fact that I was beginning to feel that I couldn’t do anything right.
I realised I had enough. I am an independent woman who have never needed to be supported by anyone. Why was I putting up with this? What was I worried about? I would rather live my life single and happy, then be in a relationship where I was constantly tense and stressed out. I am 52 – not 92 and am STRONG. Why the hell am I still putting up with all this crap?
I'm going to be starting from scratch and it's a scary feeling but I will make it work. I have a full-time job and will sleep on a mattress on the floor until I can furnish our home - but rather that than live like this.
So, I’m not going to anymore. I’m going to move out and start a new adventure. I’m going to re-discover myself and explore different things that I’ve never thought about doing before.
I choose FREEDOM!