Communication
DH is on the fires in CA right now, and we have 50/50 custody with the Skids. Our trade day is Wednesday. DH spent 3 weeks on the last fire, was home about 36 hours, and he just left for another fire. Looks like he will he gone at least 2 weeks on this one.
His ex refuses to speak to me. He and I have been together 5 years, and she's never uttered a single syllable in my direction. That makes times like this especially hard.
Since she hates me, it's weird she basically sticks to the regular custody schedule, whether DH is here or not. And because she won't talk to me, I have no idea what's going on. She'll come pick them up to take them to dinner or an event, then bring them back here and drop them off. Of course, I never know when this will happen. So I never know who, or even how many people, will be at my house at any given time. And while this is their home and they are always welcome here, I don't get why they come here when their dad is gone, since the whole point is for them to spend time with him.
DH makes it harder than it has to be, because she's so unpleasant, he keeps communication to a minimum. When I ask him if I'm having the Skids and when, he tells me he doesn't know, and to ask the kids what they're doing.
Me: Am I having the kids tonight?
DH: I don't know.
Me: Can you find out?
DH: What did the kids say?
Me: I haven't seen them, so I can't ask them.
DH: I haven't seen them either.
Me: Well can you call their mother?
Him: Do I have to?
Me: *sigh*
First, I don't think the kids should be in the middle of the communication of their parents. It's not fair to them, and it gives them an opportunity to manipulate things. Second, I think she keeps things as vague as possible, to screw with me. She has made multiple grand speeches to DH (and, I suspect, the kids) about how she's the mom, I'm not, and to her that means I get no say in anything kid-related. It also means she makes decisions that affect my house, in which I have no say. DH is no help. He's so non-confrontational by nature that he just goes along with whatever, as long as its not hurting the kids. I'm frustrated DH won't just bite the bullet and do what needs to be done. He's the one that had kids with her.
I just want to be able to make simple plans in my own house. I come home at night, not knowing until I get here, how many people I'm cooking for. What if I wanted takeout? And I know some of you will tell me to just operate as if I'm the only one here, but I can't do that to the Skids. I've been a Skid, so I know it's not easy for them either. They're frequently a pain in the butt, but they're still kids, and this isn't their fault. They're stuck in the middle WITH me. The only difference is, they have access to all the players.
It would be so much better if DH would step up and talk to his ex. Or if I had direct access, and she and I could work out Skid plans that affect my house, together. But he'd have to be willing to talk to her, or she'd have to be willing to talk to me.
- Irene H.'s blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
There is no way I'd have kept
There is no way I'd have kept SS 50% of the time while DH was not there. I'm sure BM loves it, she gets a break from them. And then on top of it, there's no defined schedule for when they will be there? Hell no.
Nope, wouldn't be doing this.
Nope, wouldn't be doing this. Kids can stay at BM's if DH is away.
Rather than ask "Am I having
Rather than ask "Am I having the kids tonight?" tell him "I'll be out tonight, you should let BM know if the kids are coming over you won't be around". Which means unless he's free to take care of HIS kids he'll have to bite the bullet and contact his ex to tell her he's unavailable. Busy risking life and limb saving the country and all that.
Pretend for a moment that he was a single divorced dad. What would he do? Leave the kids unattended for weeks? He'd have to step up and talk to his ex. Don't get sucked into that whole "you're my wife, you're supposed to support me, you knew what you signed up for" bullshit. You didn't marry him so he could get a buffer from dealing with his crazy ex and get convenient childcare.
Yes
GREAT point.
She won't speak a word to you
She won't speak a word to you but has no issues dropping skids off for you to babysit while your husband is away fighting fires??!!
DH needs to stand up to her and come up with a plan so BM and skids aren't coming and going as they please while he is away.
Don't let her control your home.
Seriously, both BM and DH
Seriously, both BM and DH have it made while OP picks up the slack.
I agree
I would not have SK if DH was not home. There not your kids, DH has no make it clear to BM that she has to keep the kids. Your DH has a choice of jobs. He took one that he's away for weeks. Not your problem about his kids.
I would just not be home.
I would just not be home. Doors locked, lights out. Make them scramble.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
And if they have keys? Change
And if they have keys? Change the locks!
First, MUCH respect for your
First, MUCH respect for your dh and much compassion for you as the wife of a firefighter.
You can tell your dh, if you are not here there is no visitation. Court order is for dad not you.
How old are the kids? I agree
How old are the kids? I agree that they shouldn't be in the middle of things between parents, but at a certain point they are old enough to communicate plans with you. Particularly if they have their own phones. In these circumstances I don't think it's out of line for your DH to tell them that they need to text you if they aren't going to be there on "his" time. Otherwise you can assume that they will be there as scheduled.
A lot of people will tell you not to have them stay with you when your DH isn't home. For probably 8 of the last 12 years my SDs have spent more time with just me than they have with their dad. Our relationship has seriously deteriorated recently, but I can tell you that I have no regrets about always making sure they feel welcome and that my home is their home too. It has given me so much peace of mind to know that I didn't do anything to make them feel like visitors or that they were unwelcome. I think that expecting your step kids to communicate with you is part of that whole "my home is your home" thing - it's no less than any adult responsible for a household would expect and you deserve that, at a minimum.
Really???
"Do I have to?"....ummmm, YES! You are their parent.
If it were me, I would send
If it were me, I would send the BM a message to let her know that they are welcome in your home, but you need an agreed upon schedule. Your DH is away and will not be home for weeks. This isn't about spending time with DH.. it is about disrupting your home and her getting a break. If she cannot have a conversation, then they would need to stay with her. What a buncha shite! The BM in my case spent years doing the "I am the mom" stuff. However, the first time my husband was away for work, she definitely wanted me to pick them up so she could have her weekend to cat around.
Sorry, her kids her problem.
Sorry, her kids her problem. She doesn't get to unload them onto an outsider that she doesn't even deign to address just because the poor dear wants a break. She's the mother, she keeps them.
Sorry, her kids her problem.
Sorry, her kids her problem. She doesn't get to unload them onto an outsider that she doesn't even deign to address just because the poor dear wants a break. She's the mother, she keeps them.