You are here

I need help

Ineedofhp's picture

I'm new to this site, and after a lot of anguish and no one to talk to, i can't take it alone anymore. 
DH and I have been together 5 years, SS and SD are 10 yr old twins. BM has openly said she wishes she never had to see DH again and wishes he didn't see his children. We have finally got to a point where we are allowed them every other weekend (sat and sun only, not fri night as is her "special" night with them) and half of all school holidays, but always 7 days 6 nights with us and 8 nights with her so she gets slightly more. 
During covid we have all been off work and they have been off school. All adults are working from home so we offered to help and have them more, we were allowed 2 extra days after our weekend, she has them the rest. They did all their school work with us both days and we're really good. Then suddenly she tells us they don't want to spend those days with us as it's too cooped up in our flat and she has a garden. We had been taking them for a walk every day to get our, and she never leaves the house with them only to supermarket where they drive. Then she has to go back to work so puts them back into school, we offered again to have them, they didn't want to go to school but she said no and they have been in school since.

They are really lazy with her, she has to bribe them to help with chores and they play computer games all day. We try and get them to help here, but now we are getting backlash as they don't want to. DH got angry last weekend and called them "lazy little sh*ts" they go home and tell BM they are too scared to come to ours anymore. DH tries to put it into context, and explain is also that he was telling them they had to turn TV off after all morning watching it. BM says not true and just believes children at face value.

Now they are here for the day, apparently really scared but they are acting normal, hugging us both loads, saying they are having a great day. After lunch they are in the bedroom with the door closed, I went in to tell them to put shoes on to go out and they hide something in the bag, I asked them what and they look all shifty at each other and say nothing. I brush it off and just say "come on let's go" but they dont want to leave the room. I have to really shoo them out, SD even goes back in to zip up the bag to hide inside. 

I'm worried they're hiding sweets or something (they are 10), so had a sneak look when they go outside and discover a mobile phone, presumably given by BM and told not to tell us they have it. I know I shouldn't look, but every other time they come her is left to me to u pack their bags so was very weird that they were so secretive. 

Now I don't know what to do, they have lied to my face, but I assume on instruction from BM. I have to just pretend everything is fine?

What else does BM get them to lie about??


TheEvilStepmomStrikesBack's picture

Your best bet it just to disengage. If they are doing all of this, it's probable not going to get better. Get cameras set up around the house in case she starts calling CPSand let their dad handle them. 

tog redux's picture

My guess is that it's a phone and they are communicating with BM. (Whoops, I said that before I read the part that you found a phone!) This is a standard parental alienation tactic - so she can control their minds while they are there with you. She will say she gave it to them "just in case" because they are so "terrified".

My SS used to tell BM he was terrified here as well, and then act happy when he was here. He eventually stopped speaking to DH entirely, for 3 years.

Your DH should feel free to take the phone while at his house so that BM can't alienate them on his time.

Ineedofhp's picture

We always let them call BM whenever they want to. It's just they usually don't want to when are here, or do call and have nothing to say to her so is a short conversation. 
Thing is I don't officially know they have the phone as hidden in their bag, I only saw it as thought they had something they shouldn't as they were acting shifty. I assume she doesn't want us to know they have it. We would make them keep it out in the open like our phones are out in the open. We always try and say that there are no secrets between each other.

tog redux's picture

Texting is different than calling, you are able to be more secretive. She likely wants to say things to them that she doesn't want you or DH to see.  You do officially know it, just say that you saw them put something away quickly and suggest DH search their bag. They are 10, they don't get to keep secrets like that.