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i'mthewoman's picture

i've only been married to dh for a year and half, and my marriage is already dissolving. Me and dh only fight about one thing ss14. This kid the most cunning, cold, hateful,  evil brat i've ever seen, but he's very smart about showing it. To everyone else he's this warm, caring, respectable kid, but to me, he's the complete opposite. bm is not in the picture, so dh has ss all the time. 

dh does parent ss, he's not a disney dad.  Ss follows the rules, has chores, does this homework. On paper ss is a great kid. He is a great kid to EVERYONE, just not me.

Before me and dh tied the knot, ss didn't show any respect to me what so ever. The only person he would/does listen to is dh. Dh told ss that i'm the adult and ss is the kid, and he has to repect me as such; if not there is going to be consequences. It was a pretty bad agrument between the two. Ss didn't care. He still hated me even though I didn't do anything whatsoever to him. They got into another argrument with dh saying that if he doesn't knock off with the attiude, he's going to be sent away. Ss looked heart broken. Even I felt bad for him. Ss didn't speak to dh for a full week. Ever since then ss was made it his mission to destory me. No one else believes me, since they only get to see the 'nice' side of him. 

He loves putting dh and I against eachother. Ss wants to be lawyer. Not only does he have the grades (honors student), but he's naturally very cunning, and manipulative- he would be great at it. When I bring it to dh's attention, he talks to ss, and ss ALWAYS manages to sweet talk himself out of it, or if we both talk to him, he somehow ALWAYS makes me looks like the bad guy. Dh sends ss off and it always result in an angrument. The worst part is that i've seen ss walk away turn around, wink and wave then contiune walking.

I've even put cameras around the house, hoping that I could show dh what ss ls like when he's not around. Ss acts all loving, then when dh looks at the footage, he gets angry at me saying that i'm picking on him for no reason. Have no idea that how ss found out, I didn't even tell dh until 2 days after (that was wrong I admit it). This one time ss "accidentally" broke my favorite plate, I did lash out (I aplogised after), but ss had already called dh. dh homes home, send ss outside and we fight. Dh actually yelled at me to leave ss alone. He also said that maybe he made a mistake getting married to me. That all i've done is bring noting but drama into his life and ss's. Then the next morning ss came up to me as I was walking to my car, and he says that he's always going to be 3 steps ahead  ; that this more than just a game of psycholoigcal warfare to him, it's about putting me in my place. He  said that he saw me smirking when dh threatned to send him elsewhere, and that I did this to myself. I swear I wasn't smriking, but to a vengeful, cunning preteen who has everyone wrapped around their fingers, there's noting I can say because i'm always going to look like the bad guy.

I'm going to wave the white flag. Congrats ss, you win. I lost.


MurphysLaw's picture

I wouldn’t take it personal.

But I would divorce your husband.

He’ll (DH) figure it out when the little freak chases off every single woman he ever dates in the future and he’s sitting all alone with his d!ck in his hand and JR is out enjoying his life, to be sure JR will NEVER forget that daddy ONCE said he would ship him off. 

oneoffour's picture

Because what defines you as a person isn't anyone else except yourself, Many women lose their dream man every day to another woman, to death, to him tiring of you, to manipulative children who make Daddy choose. So if you choose to walk away do so with your head held high. SS thinks he has a lifetime of come uppances in store for you. Not happening. SS thinks he has won. No he hasn't because DH will never find someone like you. He may bring along another woman and SS will fake it for a while. But she too will either tough it out or disengage or tell DH the same thing you have... his son is a POS. Actually telling his son he would ship him out in favour of you was a shitty move. It sounds like SS had deflected the anger he has for his father onto you.

If you choose to walk away tell DH the one thing you never understood is why his son hates you so much when you made his father so happy. Why his son isn't honest with his father and tell him he only wants his dad and no one else.

So you walk away and start a new life or you stay and disengage and let the crap roll off before it sticks because eventually this potential lawyer will slip up. After all, he is only 13. Question though ... mental illness in AWOL moms family tree?

StepUltimate's picture

My SS18 isn't viscious, but has the same sneaky, manipulative, "innocent little boy" game. It appears the kind, generous step-parents serve as the perfect target for the anger we didn't earn. 

steppingback's picture

You are ready to leave? Before you do try beating him at his own game. Act loving all the time. The more creepy he is in private tell him you understand he has some issues to work through but you think he is just a wonderful boy. Give him lots of sympathy. It must be so difficult to be you. Youare just gonna keep loving him because you know how difficult his life has been. Poor 14 year old monster. You sweet talk that boy until he gets a toothache from too much sweetness. But first put away anything that means anything to you. Pack it up and lock it up or get it out of the house. He will test your resolve.

Have lots loud sex with your husband. He needs to know he can't be one step ahead of you on that. 

He is 14. You can beat him at his own game. If there is any trouble it comes from him and him alone.

Leaving is a lot easier, but if you want to have some fun and teach the little monster a lesson give it a shot.


susanm's picture

Fighting something like this is next to impossible.  If your DH is not willing to even consider the possibiiity that his son has ill-intent toward you and your marriage then you are beating your head against a brick wall.  Do you believe that he knows it is happening and does not want to admit it or that he simply can not comprehend that his son would be so deliberately cruel?  Coming up to you and bluntly telling you of his plans speaks to a mindset that comes either from the confidence that he has always been able to pull the wool over his father's eyes or a grand sense of self that is rather creepy in someone his age.  You are in a big bind here if in order to show your husband exactly what is going on you have to provide him with clear physical proof without him even bothering to consider your words and even then it seems that he may not be willing to believe his eyes and ears when you present it. 

I hope that something miraculous happens and the boy overplays his hand to the point where the father has no choice but to acknowledge what is happening.  But if nothing else, on your way out the door your can make the prediction that this will continue to happen over and over until the boy chooses to find his own life.  He will look back later and know you were right.  That will be little comfort to you now and chances are that you will never know when he has his "ah-ha! moment."  But by then it will be too late and this will be a bad memory for you.  Only you will know how long you can play this out and when it is just not worth it.

Curious Georgetta's picture

and in son's mind likely turned this into a sick zero sum game where his survival in the household is threatened by your presence.

You guys might try family counselling to see if the issues are resolvable.  

Life is likely intolerable for all of you and that is no way to live.

Maxwell09's picture

Move out. You don't have to divorce him, just move out. I would sit down with your DH and tell him how much you love him and how much you care about his relationship with his son and how this would be the perfect solution for the three of you until SS goes to college. Put a positive spin on it. Tell him that based on the comments SS has said to you privately that he feels threatened by your value in regards to your DH and you would never, ever want that precious snowflake to feel anything less than the apple of dear ole dad's eye so moving out for some space can be a good trial period for all of you. Tell your DH you can still come over in the evening to see him and have dinner together and perhaps even a date night when Skid has a social calling to go to, emphasize how things will be basically the same but you will be giving them some time to bond during these crucial years. To SS it will seem as if he has won because you are moving out. Your DH will be hesistant or downright resistant thinking you are making moves to leave him but you can reassure your husband that's not the case and this is just temporary. This is how you remove yourself from the kid setting you up for the fights with your DH.

Be ready for the next round of games though. I am sure skid will start planting female undies and other stuff in the house to goad you into feeling replaced but don't go into that, just laugh and act like they are yours. Enageging with the kid is letting him win, giving up is letting the kid win, removing yourself from his grasp and continuing to live a happy life with his dad is you winning.