I Told SO I Am Not Interested In Meeting His Adult Kids Right Now
So this weekend my SO mentioned something about wishing SD's would just meet me and get it over with but I was silent. I told him that I needed to be honest with him about that. I said if SD's wanted to meet me in the near future...I am no longer open to it. I told him that I had given this a lot of thought and after almsot 2 years of their non-acknowledgement and immature/disrespectful behavior I wasn't sure it was best for ME anymore. He was quiet and then he said well that just keeps me in the middle of both of these worlds. To which I responded, "You are the one who put yourself there I hate to say that to you but you did."
It's almost as if he's tried to keep us all apart for all this time to avoid conflict but is that what's best for all of us? Now granted they have not said they want to meet me but he's also not asking either. He is the one who makes decisions about when a 20 and 23 year old are READY to move on and meet his girlfriend. It should have been up to them but he hides things to protect them and he does the same thing to me. He doesn't talk about me to them and I am not exposed to them either so what we all do is sit around and judge each other to the point where none of us have interest and it's really unhealthy. To give a better understanding of why I have made this decision I am listing below the reasons why I have chosen this:
1. I wanted to meet them for a long time but they decided 2 years ago that they were "not ready" and they have yet to budge on that. I used to get really sad about it but eventually I gave up and got used to the idea that I might never meet them.
2. I disengaged and figured it was better for me not to worry about these people since they are not a part of my life and since I did that SO and I have had harmony in our relationship and it's an issue we no longer discuss.
3. They attempted to ruin our relationship and break us up, they said terrible mean things about me with no remorse. As a result, I don't think great things about them and wonder if they are really decent afterall. Why do I even want to meet people like that?
4. They have refused to meet me all this time so why should I JUMP at the chance to meet them because they feel like it now? This is MY decision now...they lost their chance after 2 years of torture. I don't want them getting the idea that they hold all the power in whether we meet or not and WHEN.
5. I'm afraid I will get my heart broken by them. I have heard enough stories on here at this point and my thought is that my SO and I have our own life together so there's not much incentive for me to want to meet them - what could I gain from this?
6. I should wait until I no longer have these negative feelings about them, it wouldn't be fair for me to meet them since I don't have an open mind right now. Not fair to me or them.
When I told my SO I wasn't ready he said, "So what do I say to them, sorry kids she's not ready." I said actually YES that is exactly what you say. Then he could also tell them that he took it upon himself to enlighten me about all the negative things they said about me in the past and now I'm apprehensive to meet people who could be rude or make me uncomfortable. He might tell them that I used to be excited about the idea of meeting them and perhaps having some sort of relationship but that they hurt my feelings with their negativity and I have moved on. It's going to be his responsibility to tell them whatever he wants, he put himself in the middle and this is what he created. I wish it wasn't that way but it's not my fault, what he did with them or what he said was never my choice. In fact I asked him from the beginning to stop trying to save them that they are adults and they need to make their own decisions. He didn't do them any favors by protecting them. He didn't listen to me and now he's bumming out because I changed my mind.
So that's how I feel, I kind think I have just put the ball back in my court. I would rather be in control of the situation instead of worrying WHEN they feel "ready" to meet me. It will be interesting in a few months when we're getting engaged and they are curious. I will surely enjoy my engagement for a LONG TIME before I consider meeting them. I will leave them no chance to ruin this for me...it's a special time and I am not prepared for them to upset me during that time. They've upset me enough in the past.
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Comments
Good for you! I think this is
Good for you! I think this is completely reasonable. I really like this statement "but that they hurt my feelings with their negativity and I have moved on"
You have nothing to be or feel responsible for here. He can just continue to deal with it.
Thank you Snikers He did say
Thank you Snikers
He did say that he understands and I know he does and will NOT push me which I love about him. He has tried to "sell" them to me in a way before. Like making excuses for their immature behavior but telling me how they are good people and SD23 is really sensitive blah blah blah but...I have yet to have a good feeling about either one of them. They have no respect for their father and if they did they would want to know who this person is that he sleeps next to every single night and spends most of his time with. If it were me I would at least be curious and asking questions but so far only SD20 has asked a couple of silly questions and that's it. He is also very aware that while he didn't try to create a rift on purpose he kind of caused this. He kept me a secret or at least to the point where he downplayed how important I was to him (at first) then out of nowhere started telling them how serious he was about me so they were confused. Now here we are and they continue to put it off...I think it's their problem and not mine.
Yes that is a good
Yes that is a good call..."resentment" means that you hold a grudge but that also leaves the possibility that something can be mended and you are long past wanting that. I don't blame you. It's where you arrive after you are just sick of people being mean to you for no reason. I feel that it's kind of where I am and if not now I WILL be there with his kids in the future. I can't see them wanting to spend time with me but if they want to come over to my house they need to be nice otherwise SO can just continue to meet them at restaurants etc like he's been doing the whole time.
I said something about them being immature and he said, "Do you really think they are just immature or can you understand why they have had a hard time?" I said look...you know as well as I do that I felt sorry for them in the beginning and understood that it would take some time to heal and I was more than willing to give them any time they need. It's the idea that after 2 years they seem to still be in denial of you being with someone else and they adamantly REFUSE to acknowledge how important I am to you. To me that's immaturity and I told him this. He doesn't see where I'm coming from on this but I don't really care. To me it doesn't matter how he sees it because "I" will be looking out for myself if he's unable to look out for me. I am protecting myself by not agreeing to meet them. I would be open to meeting them someday on MY terms as I have told him but there's no chance in hell I'm dropping everything to meet them when they ask, whenever that may be. I couldn't believe how surprised he was either. He was so shocked that he would actually have to tell his babies that I was not interested in meeting them. He thinks it will cause a lot of crap and they will get pissed but what I'm saying is, can't you just ask them to "understand" my issue? I have been forced to "just deal" with things or accept them as they are but they are not expected to do the same? I don't think so...either we're all on the same page here or I'm in my own special corner with SO and they are the outsiders which is the place they have earned for themselves at this point. No one is bailing them out of anything at this point. They decided who I was before meeting me so this is a rude awakening for them. Go ahead SD's judge me...I'll be over here having sex with your dad for the rest of his life while you see him twice a month at a restaurant.
Hs, I think I will print this
Hs, I think I will print this out and read it to my SO. I LOVE how you worded this and you are absolutely correct, he does need to be completely honest with them and take a little bit of the blame. He knows that he was the creator of this situation and while he's not happy about that...it's time for some damage maintenance. He allowed them to say hurtful things and while he does not tolerate that now, it never should have happened in the first place and now he's paying for it. I feel bad because I know he has some regret for how things have turned out and he could not have known how difficult things would be for his family either. Neither of us knew what we were doing and everyone has been hurt in some way but we are past that now and you're right...it's time for everyone to move on.
Thank you hs...you've given me some things to think about...I always enjoy your perspective!!
Oh I know SA I read that...I
Oh I know SA I read that...I am still sitting here like this :jawdrop:
It's almost scary to me that she came up with all of this and actually BELIEVES she's helping her dad and the whole situation for her and her siblings. It's really sick behavior and it give me a bit of a stomach ache to be honest with you. I'm really sorry you're dealing with that but I do admire your strength. You keep being tossed into these situations. I will be interested to hear what DH has to say in response to this.
"They make hate soup"
"They make hate soup" Hahahahahahahahahaha omg I cannot stop laughing I'm sorry. I know it's not meant to be funny but the visual is priceless!
You're right as always SA. To answer your question no he has not suggested it to them and I know he feels like they will "come around." Give me a break it's been almost 2 years, they are NOT coming around! I agree with many of the posts I have seen here as well...he should tell them this is what's going on, I'm in love with her we intend to get married and I want/need for you to meet her because she is going to be around for a long time. He hasn't wanted to push them which at first I understood but now their protest is such old news. There is a grace period for everything and in my opinion they have long surpassed it. But again he allows it. I have met the rest of the family and enjoyed them at least when I met them so for now they are the odd ones out and evidently it's ok with them. SD20 however was asking a bunch of questions about me (before she went to CA indefinitely) and my SO says she's curious and interested in me but I believe it's only to a point. She told him that if we are still together in a year she would "think about" meeting me. Ok, that's fine I mean we will be planning our wedding so it would be a good idea SD but the longer they wait the less likely I am to want to meet them or to allow them in my home whether I'm there or not. Part of the issue is that SO has not been forthcoming with information about me/us and what our plans are. If he plans to marry me then he needs to tell them it's a lot more serious than they think. They still call me his "roommate" and my thought is that he needs to correct them when they say that and make sure they understand that "girlfriend" isn't even a serious enough term for us. They see us as people who are dating and it's obviously more than that. They could possibly know but be in denial, I'm not really sure about that part.
He did tell me last night though that no matter what he was going to be with me and be excited to be engaged/married and that NO ONE in his life would take that away from him/us. When I raised my eyebrows and asked about SD's having an affect he said, "NO ONE, end of story, and those who have problems with it are either going to get over it or not be in my life." So I feel pretty good about that at least.
as long as your so can keep
as long as your so can keep THEM from coming between what you and he has.....this plan should work, but keep your guards up....they may find a way to come between you, they are his kids and he will always go between battle fields until someone gives...hopfully he choses the RIGHT battlefield
You are right somerg...he
You are right somerg...he does need to choose wisely because taking their side and leaving me behind will find him alone. I know for sure that if I am to be his wife and he is not defending me or protecting me I have no business being with him. If he chooses to baby these adults and leave me hanging out there by myself it's time for me to leave. I have thought about this and as sad as I would be it's so true...I don't belong in that situation and I would ultimately have to leave. However, he has told me that there's no way he's living without me and that no matter what we're going to be together. He has been a lot stronger with regard to SD's especially the last several months. He's seen a lot less of them and does not run to them and answer their every beck and call every time they want a last minute daddy visit. He clears his plans with me before he does anything and if we have plans he doesn't go so it's been A LOT better these days. It's give and take...I know he wants to see them so I don't stop him but I will if it interferes with my plans with him. It used to be that he would just go to them and leave me alone but after awhile I was not going to tolerate that and I told him that the next time he did that our relaitonship would be in dead serious trouble and it was time for him to put his foot down with them. So the next few times SD's called he would say...Sorry it will have to be another time, I already have plans. Now they plan way more in advance asking him sometimes a week in advance and that's much better for me.