Unresolved feelings
I would just like to hear from some of you where your current relationship, or marriage, was conceived through an affair. I guess what I really need is to know what happened? Was it something that was gradual? Or was it a slow process? Do any of you really know or understand it?
There was a post on here that I read before the holidays that I never really got to (and now I can't find it) but it possed the question if we knew what we know now, would we marry our spouse? It got me thinking because I am having some very mixed emotions right now. I don't think I would. And I guess I need to talk about it. I'm having issues ladies! HELP!
I met my husband 5 years ago. We married 3 years later. He is a wonderful man who I deeply love and have a great connection with. However, I will admit that this relationship is quite different from the ones I've had in the past. It's not like fireworks, or passionate, if that makes sense. It's like putting on a pair of old fuzzy warm slippers. Slipping into a warm jacuzzi. It's just cozzy, nice and comfortable. My family absolutely loves him. I thought, finally a true comfortable relationship at last. Now, this is love.
During our engagement, I met a very close friend of mine through a new job, who happens to be male. My husband is not a jealous type either, and most of my friends are male. But I am close to this male friend on a total different level than my husband.
First off, when I came into the department, he was the only one that welcomed me in. He was also the only male, might I add, and I was the only one close to his age! So, there was an immediate attraction to me on his part, and alittle on mine, but I was upfront about my engagement with my husband. I never would have considered even dating a coworker. That's just asking for trouble, right?
However, as time would go on, we had alot in common, we had lunch with the crew- same coworkers all the time, had the same intellect & humor, and I even met his mother- who happens to work in the same location. I even became good friends with his mother, and we often have lunch together now.
Now, you have to understand that there are some older ladies that we used to refer to as our Mothers, because they were absolutely hilerious, great and well, acted like our mother in so many ways. They often would jab at him about dating, girls and such, and he would joke around about it too, tell us some tales of his dating woes. He just couldn't find the perfect girl. Then they want to hear about my wedding plans.
Well, one day, during a very humorous conversation with some great laughs, his mother mentioned to me about my friend and his romantic quandras. What she was telling me was that apparently, every gal he's ever been interested in, and/or dated has has some serious flaw. Something is so wrong, so now, naturally he was gun shy. Well, apparently, she let it slip when she was rattling off some of these ladies and the issue he had like one gal moved to New Zealand, another went to another state, another one didn't believe in God (He's very religious). She wasn't creative or smart enough. The list went and then there was me. What? I'm engaged.
However, I never said anything, but I too had the same thoughts but I was engaged to a wonderful man. And I just thought it's the gitters. I wasn't nervious about getting married, I was excited, and I was very very happy to be marrying my husband. Still am. But is it possible to have seperate emotions for different people?
You also have to understand that when we looked at each other, you can see the sparks are there, but I don't respond to it. And neither would he. But we know what each other is thinking. If I hadn't been engaged, I'm sure we would have dated. (I did leave the company after one year, and we still kept in touch, with all my Mom's there! lol)
So, I feel sort of confused over this. I love my husband and I would never consider an affair ever. I have too much morals for that. But at the same time, I feel sort of like maybe I am missing out on something. Is this normal? I don't know how to really handle this.
My friend went to Iraq for a year and had recently been deployed back just before the holidays. He came back to our area to visit friends and family as a surprise, and of course, surprised me! It stirred up a whole set of feelings for me, so I'm trying to sort it all out, I guess.
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Comments
My marriage ended partly because
Of a situation very similar to what you are describing. I "connected" with another man who we were friends with on a level totally opposite that of which I had with my husband at the time. It felt good to be noticed and wanted-something I rarely felt from my husband who seemed way to self obsorbed to me. My marriage was familiar and comfortable-but as you said lacked the sparks. Had there not been other issues in my marriage I'm certain some sparks could have been created.
The only thing I can tell you is if you are having these kinds of "feelings" for another person it may be a sign that there is somthing missing in your marriage. At least that was the case with me. MY X was very jealous/controlling/insecure and in my opinon didn't put much effort into our relationship. Relationships of any kind take work to some degree-they don't just happen.
Looking back( and not that I want to go back) I know that if I had examined myself more I would have realized that what I felt I was getting from this other man was exactly what my husband was not giving to me. Had I been honest with XH about how I felt I probably would not have had the "one night fling' that ended my relationship. That's not saying we would have stayed together-there were other issues in our relationship and I think we still would have went our seperate ways eventually--but without all the hurt I caused him by being with this other man.
IMO it is totally possible to have seperate emotions for two different people. If you look at in on the level of other relationships in your life. For example; You don't love your best friends in the same manner you love you Hubby or Kids- but as far as those emotions being between two different men-that can be very confusing and devastating if you intend to stay married.
NOw on another note let me say that- there is something I noticed immediately upon meeting "A" my current partener who I plan to spend the rest of my life with-When you are with the right person you know it. At least I did. When I started dateing "A" I had complete--lets call it peace- immediately. I knew he was right for me and my kids and I still feel that way at this moment. There is no doubt in my mind that everything in my past and his brought us to where we are at this present moment in our life. Now I was a single mom for several years and dated a few different men over that period and never had the peace in my life and heart that I have with "A". When dating those other guys I was always "looking" to some degree for something/someone that was missing. "A' filled every void in my life so completely that I have never once thought or felt that I was missing anything in any area of my life with him.
I would say to you if you intend to stay with hubby--come to terms with your feelings about this other man. Get to the bottom of it. It sounds like you are truly happy with hubby for the most part and having these feelings for someone else can only create problems if you don't deal with them. If need be maybe it's time to say to your "friend" how you feel and end the connection with him. I say that because it seems like from what you said when he was gone you were not struggleing with it nearly as much-until he returned from Iraq.
I hope I didn't offend you in anyway with this. THese are just my thoughts and feelings but only you can know what is right for you and the best way to handle the situation.
PS. "A" is not the man I had the fling with. I was single for four years after my divorce before I met "A". The guy I had the fling with didn't want anything to do with me after and that was fine because I realized there wasn't really a "connection" with him anyway. It was infactuation not love. Just wanted to clear that up.
PPS. Something else my mother told me after my affair that has stuck with me and made total sense. "Affairs do not began in the bedroom- they begin in your mind." She was completely right and I know if I had ended the "Affair" in my mind it never would have made it past that point.
Alisha
RE:
My current boyfriend and I had a period of time where our relationship was very gray and fuzzy. He is a small business owner, and got way too absorbed in his work and our relationship started to suffer. He wouldn't come home at nights. He slept at his store. He wouldn't take my phone calls. When he did, he was cold and distant. During that time, I got very close with a good friend of mine and started dating him. He didn't have a job and sat around the house hanging out with our friends all day. He was up with me and saw me out the door in the morning, and was ecstatic when I walked in the door from work. We sat around and cuddled all the time. It was exactly what I needed that I wasn't getting from my BF.
My BF came around and realized that our relationship had basically ended due to the work issues, and I realized that my relationship with my friend was centered around the things that I wasn't getting from my BF.
I have noticed that when things start to get a little tense or distant between me and my BF, I tend to think about my friend more. I start to miss him and wonder if he's missing me. Would we have worked out if we stayed together? No, not at all. Do I miss him as a person, or what he provided me that my BF wasn't at the time? Thaaaat's it.
Just try to do some deep thinking and see if there might be something that you think you could get out of a relationship with this other man which you're not getting from your husband. It might be best to address these feelings first and foremost with your husband, but also with your friend. Good luck, and please keep us updated.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Yes, all this is true.
I see what you both are saying, I do. I wonder that myself. The thing is that I am perfectly content to remain with my husband. I am happy with him, more so than I have ever been with anyone else, that's for sure. But all my other relationships were purely attractions, which ultimately ended in disasters. I know that. For one thing, there is no physical contact what-so-ever with my friend, it's like an intellectural level, not that he isn't attractive, he is. As for the most part, both of us are very content to remain friends. So, I don't worry about the actual physical part of an affair. I know that won't happen.
But it's true, there is something there that my friend may be providing me that my husband isn't. They are very different from each other. The thing is that I have tried to bring this up- tackfully- to my husband so that he may understand what I am lacking, but that just turns into misunderstanding or his feelings getting hurt, or a bent ego. I just now leave it alone. It seems more trouble than too just move on. But that doens't solve any unresolving issues for me, does it?
My friend does understand to an extint how I feel, for I think that he too feels somewhat the same way as I do, so it just feels- compounded. I think though, through this last visit, that he understands that I am married, commented to be with my husband, and he respects that, so I have a feeling that things will cease. I figured to come here to get some others perspective and advice, sort out my own feelings, so I think that was good to hear what you all had to say.
I do feel somewhat neglected in our marriage, but I don't know how to address this to my husband without him taking it personally or just shutting down about it, you know. I have tried to bring things up to him, my feelings, tried different approaches, but ultimately, it just turns into him feeling insecure and worthless. This is his 2nd marriage, and he feels like a total failure in his 1st, so I just can't seem to get him to understand that I am different with different needs. When we were dating, things were fine, he was very romantic, understanding, and even went out of his way for me. Now we are married, and it seems to be lacking something. So, you're all right about that.