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Would you bother telling BM

ICanMakeIt's picture

If it came to your attention that something negative your SK said about their BM's husband to you and your DH was blamed on you, would you bother telling BM?

There is minimal email contact with DH and BM and she's super high conflict. I have zero contact with her.

This weekend SS mentions that SD told BM I called their Step dad a name....SD is actually the one that called him this name.This was a while back.

SD also blamed me for how she dressed when she infact was the one that chose her clothing on a return trip. 

I'm annoyed SS didn't defend me either time, knowing the truth, but I also understand kid deflecting the blame to someone mom already hates. 



Iamwoman's picture

I would tell DH, simply because as spouses, my DH and I share all info.

I understand that some marriages work without this though, so that part is up to you.

What I will say though, is that IF you tell DH this info, be sure to tell him to NOT confront SD about it.

1. It's all hearsay

2. Kids DO throw people under the bus to avoid punishiamd perhaps SD felt BM was going to punish her for the words and the outfit?

3. Other than BM hating you (what else is new, right), you are not affected by this at all

4. SS could actually be making the whole thing up in order to create friction for some reason

ladybug3's picture

In my situation I would let it go. BM already hates me as much as she possibly can. SS knows she hates me. So imo there would be no point in trying to set the record straight or save my reputation. I would say something to DH but there would be no point in talking to BM.

Maxwell09's picture

Will it make a difference? I say this because while it is completely human to feel the need to be heard when we are wrongly accused, it is also common in these situations for the kids to fuel a bio vs step fued to save themselves from getting in trouble (like the clothes situation) Ask yourself: will it change anything if you/your DH told BM you did not say that, it was SD or will BM even believe you. We have had these situations time and again even to the point of making SS admit the truth with all of us standing in front of BM so she could hear it from his own mouth and it doesn't make a difference. She knows he lies to her and tells her what she wants to hear but will always choose to believe anything negative he says about us or our household because it fits her narrative. If your Skid's BM is like this then just let your DH know about it, write it down to talk to SD about it later and let the rest go. 

tog redux's picture

What would be the point? I doubt BM would believe you, and it would just reinforce that you care about what she thinks.


Ursula's picture

I wouldn't say a word.  She's high conflict so she likely won't believe you.  And it's best to  minimize conflict with high conflict people, not instigate it.

Thumper's picture

My dh and I talk amongst ourselves..........THAT'sS IT.

Now, if a skid reports abuse of self or others (drugs, alcohol abuse included)  or intent of  physical harm to themselves OR someone else..YOU bet ya she would know...BUT BUT BUT after proper authorities were notfitied first , Child Psychologist or police, possible both. THEN bm would be called. NOT before authorities...she might try to stop notification. "FAMILY IS FAMILY", blood is thicker than water...YOU cant call the police DH garbage.


halo1998's picture

but as far as saying anything to ...  It won't change a damn thing..chances are SD gets rewarded for throwing you and DH under the bus BM isn't about to do anything about it. the t-shirt.

ICanMakeIt's picture

DH knows, he was sitting there when the information came out. You guys are right, she does already hate me as much as possible, just would be nice if she knew her PAS tactics have the kids lying to her. They fear vs. respect her. I want her to know that so badly, but she won't hear that from me I'm sure its a moot point. Thanks for the clarity. 

thiscantbenormal's picture

Its all part of telling BM what she wants to hear.  They lie to her to stay on her good side and there is probably some comradery in gossiping/making sh*t up about the same person. 

My skids may be loyal to their POS mother and think the sun rises and sets out of her butt but they clearly do not respect her as an authority figure.

EveryoneLies's picture

I won't say a thing. I truly do not care what BM thinks about me. She will never be appreciative of all the things I've ever done for her offsrping anyway. On top of that I'm everything she wishes to be lol. 

So no, I won't call her or even bother to talk to her unless I must in some specific circumstances.

justmakingthebest's picture

Your DH could always throw out that he is starting to notice that SD is manipulating situations and trying to pit the two households against each other. 

He could see how she responds- she may say that she is starting to notice the same. 

It might open up dialog that (IMHO) is really important when it comes to raising teens. They need to know that even if your parents are divorced, they are united in raising you and won't let you get away with this crap. 

**Of course you have to be dealing with a rational person**