I caved and said something bad about BM
My DH and I are very vigilant no matter how bad things have gotten with BM, but I caved and abandoned the high road and made a comment to my SS about BM. I feel bad. He seemed fine and brushed it off, but I just worry down the road how it will effect my relationship with him.
We were at the pool DH, SS, SD and I. He has never been a confident swimmer but knows how. He is not the most adventerous kid either. SD is younger and not afraid of anything. SD was showing us how she could jump off the adult diving board. Pretty intimidating even for me, and I am a good swimmer. It's a bit high.
SS after some encouragement decided he would try it.I reassured him that I along with his dad would be close by if he felt nervous once he dove in.
He then turns to me and asks if I can take a pic or record it but "to make sure dad isn't in the frame". I said okay, but why? Then SS says so I can show my mom. I quizzed him more as if I didn't already know and said "why would it matter if dad is in the photo and he said she doesn't want to ever see him in any of my photos/videos, she gets mad if I show her one with him". This infuritated me to no end (not at SS obviously) and I just smiled and said "wow, she's crazy". I'm not proud but I'm real friggin tired of the PAS. I haven't told DH yet, but will. I'm not worried about him being upset with me, but I am worried how sad he will be that his kid has to deal with this level of stupid from BM. Court is a waste. We are done throwing money at that "solution" that she ignores and they continue to "let her win".
These people have been divorced for 10 years and separated a year before that. She's remarried. I just don't get it.
Sorry for long rant/vent.
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So sad!!!!!!!
Well, you cant unsay that.
FWIW, Ive said and done worse! LOL. Just let enough time go by and he will forget. Kids have short attention spans.
How very sad!!!!
Munchkin SD13 only takes photos with me at my request. I keep hoping shell ask me someday.
So have I!
So have I!
I have also slipped in the
I have also slipped in the past and said something way worse about BM to SD16. I felt bad about it. I haven't ever done it with SD13, even though it really doesn't matter. BM makes up things, saying DH and I text her things or call her names. We don't do either, but she has an active imagination. I would just tell DH it happened and move on.
As far as the picture thing, I am actually envious. I wish BM wasn't interested in pics of my DH. She tries to have SD13 send her pics of me, DH, and our DD. She also asks for pics of our house, dog and many other things. I wish our BM would take the stance of never wanting to see DH. Instead she is so obsessed with him that he had to get a restraining order against her.
Thank you for that
Thank you for that perspective and I'm really sorry the situation for you got to that level.
I do struggle with the idea of pics of our home or "candid" pics of us being transmitted to BM.
Its just crazy to me that a kid in the moment has to stop and think to exclude his dad from a pic.
Totally slipped and said
Totally slipped and said something mean about their Crazy BM too. I usually can bite my tongue, but it slipped out once. I can only do so much!
If I did that, DH would have
If I did that, DH would have gotten a manifesto from BM a hour later about how inappropriate it was for me to say that to SS. Be prepared.
Isnt it PAS
to mock the other parent?
Alienation is an ongoing
Alienation is an ongoing issue. One comment does not constitute alienation, even if it's inappropriate; HOWEVER, it is alienation to tell your child you never want to see pictures of him with his father, to the point where he actually has to make sure it never happens or his mother will get upset. So the alienator in this scenario is BM.
SM should not have said that, and she knows it. But one comment isn't alienation.
It happens. You cannot unsay
It happens. You cannot unsay it, but you can apologize for saying it. That teaches SS that when we make mistakes, we do our best to recognize the mistakes, make amends, and grow from them.
You're a class act lady.
You're a class act lady.
I would just let it go at
I would just let it go at this point...I mean.. rehashing it will just lead to potentially more issues with an explanation that may not come out right.
But.. TBH.. I don't blame him for wanting a picture with "just him". I mean.. you and your DH don't want pictures with her in them either I would imagine. He wasn't doing this to be mean.. but he knows his mom doesn't want pics of her EX.. he wants to show his mom a pic of HIMSELF.. and knows that if DAD is in it.. it will be less well recieved.
Just as I am sure that you guys would be unlikely to post a pic of him on the fridge with smilling BM in the background.
Sure.. you can hold the line that if she wants pics.. she can take them.. but this is the boy wanting to show off to his mom.
I would just move past what you said.. and resolve to bite your tongue a little harder lol.
I know you like to walk the
I know you like to walk the middle ground, but seriously? He has to be that careful to not get a picture of his father on his visitation or his mother gets upset?
That's alienation, plain and simple.
It's wrong for her to display
It's wrong for her to display those feelings for sure. But.. my SD's.. I don't remember them bringing or showing us pics with their mother in them.. maybe they just figured that we wouldn't want to see them. We certainly didn't tell them...
Whereas - he told her that he
Whereas - he told her that he can't have any pictures of his father, per BM's request/demand. A kid knowing his mother can't even tolerate a picture of his father is being alienated.
That's dramatic and that is
That's dramatic and that is not alienation. He didn't say that he wasn't allowed to have pictures of his father. He asked for a picture or video without his father in it so that he can show his mother. So what if she doesn't care to stare at her ex? Alienation of the child? No. Maybe just disgust towards her ex on her part.
Who cares?
"He said she doesn't want to
"He said she doesn't want to ever see him in any of my photos/videos, she gets mad if I show her one with him".
Read up on parental alienation, you obviously don't understand it. Letting your kids know you are disgusted by their other parent is alienation.
"Parental alienation describes a process through which a child becomes estranged from a parent as the result of the psychological manipulation of another parent. The child's estrangement may manifest itself as fear, disrespect or hostility toward the parent, and may extend to additional relatives or parties."
Her saying that she doesn't want to see pictures of him with his father would not cause fear, disrespect or hostility toward his father. That's dramatic.
That's not enough reading on
That's not enough reading on it. Do more. You still don't understand.
You don't think a mother refusing to allow her child to have her father in any pictures he shows her would eventually cause that child to be hostile and disrespectful to him? Oh mom is disgusted by dad, there must be something wrong with him. Over time, that plus all the other things she's doing (I bet this OP could list lots of other alienation tactics) leads to those reactions. It's not "dramatic" at all. This is alienating behavior.
Don't beat yourself up!
Is the BM's name "Girhippo" per chance?
The BM IS being alienating by saying this to her children. She is a total jealous juvenile with not a SPECK of adult maturity by saying such a thing IN FRONT OF HER OWN CHILDREN who in fact DO have a father. This bitch of a BM is openly pronouncing that 50% of her children (the dad genetics) are bad RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. She sounds like your classic HCGUBM.
The right thing for her to do is keep her fat trap shut only opening it to say "that's a nice photo of you" to her children. Too bad you didnt get that on tape for evidence of PAS.
In my case, skids were fairly vigilant not to telegraph overt stuff that the Gir 'n' Clan were doing, especially toward the final PASout, but they did let some stuff slip which just confirmed it all. Over a decade of radio silence speaks for itself.
Personally I have commented on the Girhippo's complete lack of parenting skills in front of the skids but only on rare occasions. Maybe twice in five years.
Exactly. I don't know how it
Exactly. I don't know how it's not glaringly obvious that one parent telling the child that they can't even bear the sight of the other parent is harmful to the child. "You can't have my approval if you love your dad," is the obvious message.
I have a friend whose ex had a 2-year affair and she could look at a picture of her son with his dad and say, "looks like you and dad had a great time! I'm glad," because she's a healthy person who can understand that no matter what her ex did to her, she CHOSE him to have a child with, and that child loves him.
Making one negative remark, followed by an apology, is not alienating behavior. You can be sure none of these GUBMs ever apologize for destroying their kids' relationship with the other parent.