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Nailed it with OSS15

Iamwoman's picture

So last autumn, I deduced that OSS15 has been passive aggressively waiting around for me to attempt an in-depth conversation with him about ANYTHING so that he could turn it around on, play victim, and gaslight me.

Months went by where OSS15 would "lurk" around DH anytime I was also around, and where he would look at me like I'm nuts whenever I said the most simple of things, like "dinner is ready."

I was starting to suspect that maybe I had unfairly misjudged him or made unfairly negative speculations about him. In other words, I began to doubt my instincts.

OSS15 lurked and zombied around like this for a little under a year... not really do anything "bad," but certainly not doing anything admirable or extraordinary, and making both DH and I extremely uncomfortable around him in one of those vague ways we "just couldn't put our finger on."

Well, fast forward to this Father's Day.

I called my father for a light-hearted, pleasant, Father's Day conversation. My always-caring dad inquired about us.

DH was upset, because the Maggot had told the boys that it was DH's role to "take his kids to breakfast on Father's Day." 
So I guess some people operate like this, but in my family, it's up to the children to make cards, make a meal for parents, or whatever else they want to do to show appreciation for the father on Father's Day, and same for mother on Mother's Day. The father and mother get to relax and are not obligated to be servants to, or otherwise turn the holiday into "Children's Day."

So I relayed this drama to my father. He is my dad, and he is on my side, and there for me. My perogative to discuss my environment with him.

I also told my dad that YSS11 and OSS15 each gave DH a Father's Day card. This is monumental in our home, because neither boy has EVER even SAID "Happy Father's Day" let alone SHOW their love/appreciation for their dad.

So I told my dad that it was heartwarming (I didn't mention that the Maggot forced them to give DH those cards since she just served DH with paperwork and is taking him back to court with ANOTHER petition to move). I was very positive about skids.

But... OSS15 was eavesdropping on my conversation!!

Not only was he eavesdropping, but in his own mind, he decided that I was telling my dad "OSS15 didn't do enough for DH for Father's Day today."

So OSS15 makes a big show of running outside and sitting in the driveway to cry and sob.

DH goes out to see why he is crying, and OSS15 tells him that I said he "didn't do enough for Father's Day."

omfg.

DH had a good talk with OSS15 about how eavesdropping is wrong, about seeking clarification instead of assuming things, and went even further to discuss how OSS15 never talks about his life with him or us, and that these emotional outbursts are always shocking for us because we never know what kind of day/weekend it's going to be, but that we are exhausted by it all and have been for years now.

Now... I don't like seeing kids cry. I am a softie for a crying kid. So I also told OSS15 that I'm sorry his feelings were hurt, but that I never said what he thought I said, and that if he is going to eavesdrop, he should at least get the whole story before he takes it personally and assumes that I am a bad person who is out to hurt him.

...but then the rest of the day I was in a whirlwind of emotions, and basically zombied out for the day. I couldn't stand the fact that I have sympathy to this boy who has negatively impacted my own daughters childhood, and probably owes DD17, me, and DH more apologies than anyone else I know, other than Maggot.

I just should have left for the day, but I never even got the chance before the drama hit, because I had JUST finished my morning yoga and was enjoying my coffee, and it was 7freaking30 in the morning... mmmk...

so after all that crap, and also since my state is seeing the highest daily rate of COVID cases ever, I didn't/couldn't even bring myself to go anywhere.

I spent the day feeling like I was hit by a tractor trailer...

and DH spent the day pissed that OSS15 made Father's Day all about himself... ugh.

TOTALLY NAILED IT though with my instinct that OSS15 has been WAITING for ANY chance to play victim and try to gaslight me!

Never again will I doubt my instincts or question my feelings about a person.

 

Comments

UpgradeWife's picture

A 15 year old boy sobbing like a 4 year old on the driveway?! He should have been punished by your H for spying. Definitely not coddled!

My son is a lot younger and doesn't act like your SS. 

Iamwoman's picture

I agree. It is disgusting, manipulative behavior.

DH didn't coddle him though. The explanations were delivered in a matter of fact, rough tone. If anything, I coddled him too much, which is why I spent the rest of the day disgusted with how I handled it.

DH let OSS15 know that we are sick of the drama and sick of the Maggot's non-stop crap.

Punishing him would do no good, because then he would REALLY play victim and cause MORE drama.
Skids are HEAVILY alienated against DH and I. One of the worst cases of alienation here. I just don't mention it in detail much because the first few years were traumatic for us.

He did just spend the rest of the day in his room on his phone though... same as YSS11.

So whatever. Happy effing Father's Day right?

tog redux's picture

I don't know which is worse, the absence of Father's Day well-wishes from skids, or the fake ones that are orchestrated by BM because there is a court case pending. Both suck, but at least the first one is an honest representation of their feelings.

Iamwoman's picture

Agreed. It kind of makes me a bit nauseous seeing the cards on display in the kitchen, knowing they were forced, and remembering the surrounding drama yesterday.

Skids just simply CANNOT allow DH or I to have a good day.

After drop off last night, and DH got back home, it was back to heaven for us. Such a stark, horrible hell/heaven type contrast as to when skids are here vs not.

Kes's picture

Ugh, just ugh, I wouldn't have any sympathy at all for this obnoxious, manipulative crybaby.   I remember once when SD25 was about the same age, she eaves-dropped by sitting on our cellar stairs and listening to a conversation I was having with DH.  Bearing in mind our cellar was (we've now moved) cold and damp with stone steps and had a door to it which was closed!  She heard me speaking to DH about her in a critical fashion, as we'd just been the recipient of some of the usual type of behaviour from her - ie stroppy and entitled. She rang NPD BM to complain of me, and the latter wanted me to apologise to SD25.  Apologise for speaking the truth?  that would be a no, then.  

tog redux's picture

This happened to us, too, when SS was 14 or so. He was listening at our bedroom door when I said something along the lines of "if he wants his Mommy, he should just go be with Mommy," and that was, of course, thrown around in court, etc. He was being an alienated jerk and texting BM all weekend about how awful our house was. But of course, he was the victim there.

Iamwoman's picture

Thanks you two.

It makes me feel better that I'm in good company as far as these horrible skids pushing us over the edge and then daring to play victim.

They are abusers-in-training.

beebeel's picture

As I come closer and closer to 40, I'm finding it easier and easier to trust my gut. I'm usually right after all lol.

Iamwoman's picture

Yes! And I'm a big proponent of urging women to trust their instincts, and I failed myself!

Never again. 41 here. <3

EveryoneLies's picture

Ew..15 yo crying and sobbing for things like this just make me want to puke.

I don't care if I sound heartless. I'm not really a cryer and I never understand the "pity me I'm such a victim" mindset.

halo1998's picture

freaking time.  Like sit outside our door and listen.  One time I put my finger up to shush DH..and loudly said...

OMG DH we won the lottery.....we won the lottery.  Then I yanked open our door and SS fell into our room...and yelled WE ARE RICH.

I turned around and 

said NO you little sneak...WE are not rich...only DH and I.  DH got him by the ear and told him NEVER EVER eavesdrop like that.  Its rude and a despicable habit.

SS then went home and told Beaver we won the lottery.  We got an email from her wanting her share of the lottery.  

DH responded back, we didn't win the lottery and SS just got a lesson on eavesdropping at our bedroom door.

If DH had found SS 15 crying in the driveway, he would have told him quit his mantrum and get inside.  Otherwise, he can stay out there and have the neighbors laugh at him.

EveryoneLies's picture

LOL This is great!

My SS likes to eavesdrop on the stairs. He's clumsy so I almost always know he's there. Sometimes I think he just want to "Feel included" because he really has ZERO friends (being on the spectrum doesn't make it easy to make friends, on top of that he's really not the most pleasant person to be around). That and DH and my conversations are usually interesting (to him). 

It's so freaking annoying.

Evil3's picture

OMG! I'm in hysterics!

That's hilarious.

I wish I could think on my feet like you do.