Backstory:
My mom is 55 and has a terminal illness that is now causing her to have mental issues. She has been arrested twice due to these problems and evicted from her apartment. I was a PCA for my younger brother for over 9 years due to his illness as well(also terminal). Since my mom was sick, she took advantage of this; As my parents spiraled downhill towards eventual divorce I became the household care-giver: grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, conferences, school events, etc. They needed the help, I couldn't lose income helping them and continue to live myself, so even though it sucked I got two other jobs to make ends meet while continuing to care for them. As my brother got older, his hourly care started to decrease. My job was to teach him to be more independent for adulthood. My mother wouldn't allow this to happen and used me as a crutch for him. Eventually the services were taken away since he became a "legal adult" and everything became a disaster.
After the divorce and my job ending; my brother started getting in trouble with the law, was arrested once, and after being released went to live with my grandparents because my mom couldn't "handle" him anymore. My mom stayed at her income based apartment by herself and essentially lost her mind in less then two years. She stopped taking her medication and was arrested twice for trespassing in apartments that weren't hers. During this time our family tried to talk to my grandmother into allowing us to place my mom in either a memory care facility or in a hospital to get her mental help. Nobody likes the idea of this, but she is becoming more violent and refusing to take her medication. After dealing with phone calls from the property saying my mom is out of control, they evicted her and she ended up staying at my grandma's also. Before you ask, yes I know Dh and I just purchased a house. We also work ridiculous hours and have no spare bedroom as ss room isn't very big and we have a schedule with him. My mom is not able to be alone unsupervised; she doesn't sleep, she wanders, starts conflict with strangers, and given the area we live she will either get herself arrested, shot, or worse if she wanders by herself. When we just moved in she yelled at one of our neighbors for saying "hi" to us at our housewarming. That took a lot of explaining and apologies.
Since she has been living at my grandparents things have been hard. They are in their 80's, retired. My brother tries to get jobs but can never seem to get enough hours. Thanks to his DUI and driving without a license he relies on rides to work. He is 22 y/o now, and thanks to being stupid at 17 he will forever be paying for it. My grandma is slowly realizing that she is not capable of giving my mom the care she needs, but absolutely refuses to have her placed in a group home or memory care facility. This leads to her calling other family members and complaining, then they in turn call me and scream at me to "do something about my mother". I get these calls about every other day. I don't know what to do. I have tried looking up care facilities in my state but my mom has no income. She has state healthcare and food-stamps. The little bit of money she could get approved for to use for housing is the worse type of section 8 housing imaginable and has no mental health care. In other words, we could find her another apartment but in all likelihood she would get evicted again in a very short time. I would let my brother move in with us temporarily to get back on his feet and give my grandparents a break but my grandmother is acting like they (brother+mom) are a package-deal. Now my brother might be moving in with our father but that hasn't been fully discussed and is not set in stone. Which still leaves me with finding my mother somewhere to live.
This Month:
The first of the month I was informed that for obvious reasons my grandparents aren't hosting Thanksgiving this year. Instead it is happening at my cousins house over two hours away. We already informed my family that we are going to DH side this year. He lost his grandfather just last month and his mother was asking if we could join them this time at her studio apartment just the four of us. Since DH has gamely gone to my family gatherings for the last 7 years due to lack of planned gatherings on his side of the family, it was a refreshing change to be invited to something planned by his side this year. We agreed and I informed my family of our decision early November. Also given our current financial situation we don't exactly have the extra gas money to be driving over 2 hours away either.
Just last weekend I received a text message from my cousin who is hosting Thanksgiving stating "Work it out honey, you get your mom and brother for Thanksgiving..maybe one of your brother's friends will drive them to your house? _____ is bringing grandma and grandpa here."
So she's telling me that someone else in our family that is going to thanksgiving is picking up my grandparents but refusing to bring my mom and brother too? I called to get the details and was pretty much told that one relative is spending the night at a hotel nearby with his wife and kids and not going home, and another relative (couple) is bringing their "trained guard dog" and since he is still in one of the stages of his training nobody can ride in the back with him..(don't ask. This family member has obscene amounts of money and say its cheaper to have a guard dog vs hiring security). The final family member duo that is going wasn't going to go originally due to the distance but was forced by his MIL/my aunt. My cousin is acting like the entire thing was "no big deal" because since we aren't going to her house the least we can do is drive over and grab mom and brother, and magically pull a Thanksgiving dinner out of our a$$....I don't know what to think. Then there's the fact that since they all live together, mom and brother will clearly see grandma and grandpa getting picked up and realize they are being left behind...I mean SERIOUSLY who does that??? The holidays are the only time our whole family really gets together...and they are going to think they are being shunned. DH and I are B.R.O.K.E....DH mom lives less then 20 minutes away and is providing a small meal. Again, she lives in a studio apartment. I can't just pull money out of my behind to pay for gas to get them and then drive over and stuff everyone in a studio apartment for a dinner we aren't even hosting. This unforeseen act has me dreading the holidays this year. I don't know how to fix it. I have literally felt sick to my stomach since Sunday. When I tried to tell my cousin that DH mom doesn't have a large enough space for all of us she told me to "figure something out". I feel so bad but we are SO broke right now, our utility bills are coming up and DH is actually doing everything he can to help and start paying me back. What do I do?