Anticipating a let down
DH is aaaaall excited about getting his licensing for work...with this in mind, he is eager to show off for a gdamn 11 year old for "take your kid to work day"....which coincidentally is a day after my birthday, NOT a visitation day, and the day before visitation weekend.
I'm prepared to be forgotten. I can't make myself get my family involved, they all forgot last year. My friends all work, I just can't get out of my own head that this is just going to suck.
I hate how DH says he's going to make more of an effort, then I immediately feel like I'm going to get the short end of the stick.
I am also overly emotional due to my impending doctor appointment this Thursday, our state is going to have temps in the high negatives, doubting my ability to even GET to this appointment. DH has completely forgotten I even have the appointment.
Do I just ignore DH behavior, or let him know I'm starting to get upset about something that hasn't even happened yet??
I think I'm losing my mind.
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I'd tell him what you want
I'd tell him what you want/expect. When you put unspoken expectations on people, they never live up to what you think they should do/be. The worst that happens by talking is that he does what you fear he'll do. If he does that, you'll know where you stand.
PT 2: And now I'm the devil
And now, after I finished snow blowing the driveway, DH came home with SS for visitation. He "finished" the driveway while I cooked dinner, and disappeared for about 45 minutes to go buy a battery for his vehicle. SS sat in the kitchen with me laughing about my dogs antics. We chatted about random things, everything was fine. When DH got back we watched a season finale that I didn't think was age appropriate for SS due to language but DH refused to turn it off or leave the room.
This led to him making a loud noise anytime cursing was involved. I suggested turning it to something else, DH refused.
After we finished the episode DH served cake I made the night before. He was all "are you still hungry? Was it good?" Just up SS a$$ over a simple fking meal. SS suggested watching one of his shows and happily started heading towards his room (expecting DH to follow). I had no issue with this and switched the TV to something I wanted to watch (I had been going non-stop since I got home), and DH got all bent out of shape because he wanted us to watch SS shows together. When I asked what the big deal was, DH said "I can't wait for everything to implode between you two, and I'M not going to do anything because this is on you."
He is now in SS room watching the shows. Now I'm just pissed. SS and I got along JUST FINE while DH was gone, so I guess if I'm not up SS a$$ too that means we are going to be enemies??
WTF
"Wow DH, how awful that you'd
"Wow DH, how awful that you'd relish in your son and I not having a good relationship. For the record, while you left me with your son without asking, he and I had a great time bonding over the dogs and (whatever you two talked about). I feel secure in my relationship with your son. I'm sorry you would rather see it fail than recognize the good in it. How heartbreaking for me."
And walk away. Call him out on his crap, calmly and cool, and let him stew in it. He's a jackass, but you already knew that.
This
Yep. What an ass
Perhaps if he spent more
Perhaps if he spent more being a better parent he wouldn't be so insecure about his son having good relationships with other adults.
Why do you stay with this man
Why do you stay with this man, he doesn’t seem to treat you very well & you seem incredibly unhappy. It sounds like more stress than it’s worth. Him hoping your relationship with SS implodes? Wtf? What’s keeping you with this guy, he seems like total dead weight.
he had this huge "epiphany"
he had this huge "epiphany" awhile back about how "he just wants us to be more of a family" and how he realized he wasn't exactly including me when SS was over (which I was fine with to an extent). It seems like his version of "as a family" is being up SS a$$, and that's a game I want no part of. Maybe that's why he got all bent out of shape about watching ss shows together? That's the beauty of being a "step", I didn't pop him out, if I'm tired and I don't want to "be involved" I don't have to. It doesn't mean I'm going to be rude about it, but my world doesn't involve everything around his spawn. Think we need to have a talk again about "expectations". I think his were "unrealistic enmeshment" and mine are more "quit being a narcissistic a$$hat about your kid".
I confess I don't understand
I confess I don't understand what the big deal is about him taking his son to work the day after your birthday?
I think her fear is that, in
I think her fear is that, in the past, the day leading up to anything with SS is met with panic-induced excitement. Her DH would be busy making sure SS had a good outfit to wear, pack both their lunches, make sure he (DH) looked as spiffy as possible, and then ramble on and on about how excited he is to take SS to work, resulting in him eventually getting upset at OP for not being nearly as excited. Plus, DH would likely want SS to come over right after school the day before so DH and SS could have time to bond about the job before job shadow day.
That's my guess, anyway. Her birthday will be completely forgotten because something involving SS happens around the same time, and DH will use it as an excuse to not be a good husband for her on that day.
exactly this. Everything
exactly this. Everything turns into such a production...."pack both their lunches"??? LMAO no way they will be going out to eat or DH will be showing off with SS at the employee cafe.
I know you have a challenge
I know you have a challenge on your hands.. but people treat us the way we allow ourselves to be treated. I know I am very guilty of not ASKING directly for what I want. Because why? I don't want to appear selfish.. or greedy.. or inconsiderate..or irresponsible.
But, my husband is a sucky holiday guy. He is literally a last minute drive by walmart present buyer. It's not that he doesn't care about people but he isn't good at gifts. He thinks cards are a waste of money too. They kind of are at 6 bucks a hallmark lol.
So.. this year he actually had made a decent amount of money and I was going to be damned if he was going to forget to get me something. So, I let him know my expectations. My birthday is X and I expect you to remember to get me a NICE gift this year. I don't expect it to be a gun (that you have been eyeing).. or some such crap. I want a real present.. nice that I would never buy for myself.
And.. he came through. Actually, the bracelet he bought me initially was a little chintzy but when we went on a trip to the keys he upgraded to a really nice gold bracelet that I love.. (YSD got the chintzy one for Christmas..lol).
So.. don't just anticipate being let down. Put him on the spot. Tell him that you expect a present. you expect a nice night out.. even if it means hiring a sitter for his son.
But the part that sucks is DH
But the part that sucks is DH is NOT a bad "holiday guy" so to speak. He has bought extravagant gifts for his mom and SS every year for birthdays and Christmas. I'm talking a minimum of $50 usually closer to $100 or more. I honestly can' t remember the last time he has bought ME anything, he feigns the "I didn't know what to get you" card. Anything involving SS (and I mean anything) is made into a MASSIVE production to the point where responsibility and common sense go out the window. Every time. I honestly thought things would get better once he established custody/visitation/a set schedule with SS and despite having this he is just as bad if not worse. He has had a set visitation schedule with ss for coming up on 4 YEARS now. He gets him almost 50% of the time due to the holiday schedule. And he is psychotic obsessed with his son like he's a gdamn saint. I've never seen a parent need to constantly spend a minimum of $80 on ANYTHING given to a child. And have things for said child come before parental responsibility like bills. It's maddening. SS is very well behaved but I KNOW he's not stupid and when he reaches teens he is going to take advantage of DH emotional issues because this is what he has seen BM do. And a sitter? Never. DH already told me he will NEVER have anyone watch SS on "his time". Due to my crappy birthday last year and now this "event" falling the day after my birthday, I really think he's going to do nothing. Whereas DH birthday is always a week long celebration weather it be a camping or cabin trip. SS birthday in 2017 DH spent over $400 (there is a blog about this) and last year it was about $200.
So, it's only you that gets
So, it's only you that gets the short end. Tell him. "DH.. my birthday is X. I know you don't normally think I want to make a big deal of it but I DO. I expect that you will celebrate my birthday with a NICE gift and a NICE dinner."
You need to ask for what you want. If he says.. "I don't know what you want".. tell him that if he doesn't know you well enough to buy you a thoughtful present.. then WHY are you even married? seriously.. you don't know your own wife?"
Based solely on what you've
Based solely on what you've written over time on your blog, it is apparent that your husband is an ass who uses you and does not treat you as a partner should be treated. Not even close. It seems like you are his last, lowest priority. So if you want this holiday/birthday to be different, then you need to let your husband know that you expect him to make a fuss over your birthday, to provide a nice, thoughtful gift, and to make you his unquestioned number one priority for at least that day. We teach people how to treat us, and you have allowed your husband to treat you quite poorly. I personally could not put up with that and would have kicked this jerk to the curb a while ago. But if he has something we're not seeing that makes you want to stay with him, then at least stand up for yourself, let him know what your expectations are, and hold him to it.
Exactly this. And if he STILL
Exactly this. And if he STILL fails, please listen to what he is telling you.
It seems like his version of
It seems like his version of "as a family" is being up SS a$$
^^^^^^^^ have a conversation with your H and tell him this is how you feel and that you plan on not being up SS a$$, so he needs to deal with that.
Also, if you strongly feel your H is not going to pull through for you on your birthday why don't you plan something that you enjoy like a spa, mani/pendi, massage, go see a play, anything to celebrate yourself and to uplift you. It's your birthday and you are valuable and loved. You are entitled to treat yourself. Love yourself enough to know you deserve whatever you desire on your special day and if he can't step up to the plate, you will.
If your H disappoints you again for your birthday you should address this to him as well. He's not going to know unless you communicate it to him and make yourself crystal clear of your wants & needs as his wife.
I completely agree with ESMOD
I completely agree with ESMOD.
You can either complain about him, or work with what you've got. This means telling him what you expect for your birthday.
He treats you as an afterthought because you've allowed it. So if you change your behavior, he might change, too.
Value yourself more. Require more. Your pathetic H has you pegged as his doormat. Retrain him.
My H spoils me, girl. Coffee in bed each morning, and he goes overboard with gifts on holidays/birthdays. But he wasn't always like this, and there was a time in our marriage where I was the one doing the spoiling. I well remember one anniversary where he didn't get me anything; claimed he planned to go to Wal-Mart the next day. I rained fresh H#ll down on him, and it has never happened again. He's learned (much like a dog) that when he makes me happy, he gets rewarded with praise and treats (and nooky) - it makes him feel good. When he's a "bad dog", he doesn't get those good feelings of positive reinforcement. My giving him expectations and rewards taught him how to succeed in our relationship.
Try something different or don't, it's up to you and you claim to want out of the marriage anyway. But you might as well try making small changes in yourself and your own behavior. Otherwise, you'll keep attracting losers. Learn to be the type of woman losers recognize as out of their league, and you'll eliminate half your problems.