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aaaalll about SS

iamlosingit's picture

Valentine's Day.  A day I used to love.  When we were dating, DH always had these great plans for us.  One year he got us surprise tickets to a theater: rented us a hotel room with a Jacuzzi tub, we had dinner before the show, went to the show, had drinks afterwards, it was amazing.  The year he proposed he didn't plan anything and piggy-backed on my cousin's dinner reservations.  I was disappointed but then for obvious reasons he hadn't planned anything because he bought a ring.  After that it was dinner on a rooftop patio and flowers.  He would plan the event and I would help pay for the food/drinks/extras.

Now?

Nothing.  Since we have been married (and since he got a visitation schedule) it's been nothing.  I have yet to receive a single card (birthdays included) that reference "to my Wife".  I was SO excited for our first Valentine's Day as a married couple because I could finally buy a card that said "to my husband" and not cross it out and write "Fiance".  I even made sure to let DH know how excited I was about this.  I had bought him a card and something small for his vehicle. 2017...That was the year Valentine's Day was on a visitation day.  I came home to nothing.  No card, no flowers, no indication that the holiday even existed.  Last year? Nothing because it was the day before a visitation day.  This year I didn't even bother doing anything for him because I was prepared for a let-down.  I was right.  This Valentine's Day (not a visitation day but we have SS this weekend) DH had conferences at SS school.  He called before the conferences and said he would pick up some wine on his way home. 

He ended up getting home later than he said with nothing, ranting and raving about what a good student SS is and how he is "so far beyond his peers" etc.  showing me SS testing scores and just wouldn't shut. up.  Going as far as stating "we have to do something awesome this weekend to reward SS for this" etc.  Then he went on an hour long rant because he showed up at BM house to pick up SS for conferences and BM and family weren't home.  A rant of epic proportions about how he can't wait until SS turns 18 so he doesn't have to deal with BM anymore, etc.  I tried explaining that it was technically BM day, so if she didn't want to go to conferences with SS that it was really up to her.  In one ear, out the other.

  Later on in the evening I even tried bringing up some "us" time *hinthint* and he failed to take a shower (it's been a few days since he's showered, a few months since we've been intimate) so that didn't even happen.

This morning I was getting ready for work (I get up an hour before he does).  Made sure he was awake because his alarm didn't go off when it was supposed to.  He asked what day it was.  I told him "Friday" and "don't forget you have your kid this weekend".  This was a necessary statement because DH has forgotten to pick up SS four times last year.  Those four times were when I didn't remind him.  I didn't want to say anything this morning but I was exhausted and it happened out of reflex...my entire life revolves around what we can and can't do due to this stupid schedule and the restrictions it brings.  There was NO tone, nothing implied, just a statement.  If DH doesn't even know what damn day it is, he isn't going to remember to get his Spawn.  Apparently I did something wrong because DH storms downstairs all pissed off because I said "your kid".  Well WTF DH...it IS "your kid" it sure as shyt isn't MY kid.  Would he rather I say "you have prince SS this weekend" or something to that effect?  He refers to my dog as "your dog", I see nothing wrong with "your kid" if no tone is given.

Needless to say, I am not looking forward to this weekend.  I am going to buy MYSELF some valentine chocolates on sale, and a bottle of sangria, and watch "a star is born".

Oh and the doctor finally called me back after waiting two weeks.  Now she doesn't want to do the surgery.  She wants to treat me with a strong series of antibiotics (one of the three is an injection) and says I have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease even though the testing came  back negative.  I'm having trouble finding an affordable doctor to get a second opinion.  Happy Valentine's Day.

 

Comments

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Does your DH have a phone? Is there a calendar in the house? Does he know how to read/write/type?? There is NO reason he cannot make his own bloody reminder that he needs to pick up HIS kid.

Be your own valentine this weekend. After all, SS is there to spend time with DH. YOU spend time on YOU. Get a massage. A mani/pedi. Meet a friend for lunch. Buy yourself some flowers. Get yourself some premium chocolates.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

 

iamlosingit's picture

HUGE desk calender on SS door at the bottom of the stairs that DH has to walk by just to leave our bedroom.  Color coded in Pink-BM/Blue-DH visitation schedule.

Chmmy's picture

First of all the shower thing, what? Be glad you havent been intimate in months. I wouldnt sleep in the same bed with that.

Second if he is so thrilled with this visit schedule how can he forget it is his day to pick up. Please dont ever remind him again. Let him forget. You dont want the kid around anyway.

Enjoy your chocolate, wine and movie...is that the Lady Gaga movie? I wanted to see that.

tog redux's picture

This sounds awful. You've only been married for a few years and you are already not having sex for months? He doesn't shower for days? He rants and raves about how wonderful his kid is, but then he forgets to pick him up for visitation?

Does he have brain damage? Asking seriously.  I'm totally convinced my DH has ADHD, but forgetting his kid isn't part of his symptoms. And not showering? WTF?

What are you getting out of this situation?

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

What are you getting out of this relationship?

I understand the complexity of a step family. But when you add a shitty DH on top of that there just isn't anything left to hold onto. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Ah, the old "bait and switch". Elaborate plans and gifts during the courting phase so you think you've really landed yourself a prize, only to realize after the wedding that you actually got a lazy asshat who puts in zero effort and has the hygiene of a hobo.

I would be really upset about, well, all of this. To stop making any effort in a relationship is unacceptable. And really, your DH has stopped trying, apparently even at bathing properly. To recap: Your DH is the one who can never seem to pay his portion of the bills on time, right? (although that may have gotten better, if I recall?) He expects you to be a mom to SS, and refers to SS as "our son", or "your son"? Which explains why he is so upset that you said "your kid". Because you are resisting his ridiculous expectations and dreams. Doesn't DH also cater to his mom and give her money you don't have...? He can't even remember to get his kid?

I really mean no offense when I say this, but...your DH sounds like a loser, plain and simple. I would be surprised if you would be able to tolerate all of this crap for the rest of your life, or why you would even want to. It sounds like you are married to a teenager.

beebeel's picture

Send your DH back to his mother and tell her she needs to finish raising him. You tried, but you aren't his mommy.

Siemprematahari's picture

Does your H know how you feel about him not acknowledging these "special days"? If he doesnt you need to communicate that with him and let him know how much it means to you. You also need to tell him how important it is to continue doing the very things that got you in the 1st place. It doesn't all stop because you're married.

If he does know and he continues to do it and it makes you unhappy, you have a lot of soul searching to do about your marriage.

In the meantime treat yourself the way you deserve. Get yourself some flowers, chocolates, heck even a nice dinner or movie and know that you are LOVED. You love yourself enough to do what makes you happy. This is self care darlin'.

Have a serious talk with him because it will only get worse and you'll only get more bitter & resentful as the years go by.

ndc's picture

I have the same response to this as I have to most of your posts. Your husband is an ass. If he cares about you, he certainly doesn't show it. Nothing ever improves.  He is using you and mistreating you. Please give some serious thought to why you are still with him.

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Keep on the path of saving money so you can move out. Let him have his emotionally incestuous relationship with his son. He's going to be really disappointed when SS has enough in a year or two.

sunshinex's picture

Can we uhh... inquire about the not showering for days thing lol any particular reason for that? 

Seems odd 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I want to know what she means by "a few days".

My DH goes 2-3 between showers (unless he does something super gross) because his skin dries out super easy and he's VERY sensitive to most body washes/soaps/lotions/products. He breaks out and bleeds. But he also never smells bad, so...

iamlosingit's picture

We are in a drawn out legal battle with BM regarding the home DH and BM purchased together.  The judge gave her 120 days to refinance and buy out DH or the house goes on the market.  She is fighting it every step of the way. We are now on year 3 of this fight and it hasn't been easy because she's now using SS as a weapon.