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The world must be ending..

I love dogs's picture

Yes I couldn't believe my eyes. I am still waiting for DH to tell me April Fools! 

I am at work and DH tells me that BM agreed to week on/ week off and will give us every Sunday to take SD to church.

Yes I think I need another eye check! BM says she "thinks it'll be better for everyone". I don't trust the witch so I told DH after a month or so he needs to file in court for a legal modification. Again, I do. not. trust. BM. Where did this sudden change of heart come from? 4 years ago, she was asking DH to sign his rights away and leave them alone??

ETA: SD has been begging DH and GBM (who loves DH like a son) to convince BM to change her mind about 50/50. BM has admitted that her boyfriend and SD do not get along and everyone knows SD needs her dad's influence desperately. I predict SD will be living with us full time by age 14 when she legally has an opinion in court.


I love dogs's picture

DH wants to "give it some time" so that she can't say that anything other than 50/50 should be the deal. 1 month? 2?

DH said BM can have her child tax credit but what if she owes CS?

ESMOD's picture

Yes.. file those papers!

I'm sure that the impetus for this is more in BM's best interest than SD's unfortunately.  I have a feeling that the BF doesn't want to play stepdaddy and would like nothing better than to push the girl out completely.  Likely that feeling is mutual with SD and she probably feels a bit betrayed by her mother for choosing HIM over her.

So... I likely think this compromising quality in BM will end if her relationship with this guy ends.... so file the papers asap so that she can't unwind this decision as easily.

I love dogs's picture

Should I just go to the courthouse and file myself? A few years ago I think it was only $37.

I know that the boyfriend would rather just have his family and BM is an extremely controlling person. I honestly don't think he'll ever leave her because he knows how BM treated DH in court. And our state allowed it. Barf.

SD will be much happier here.

beebeel's picture

My skids bm fought my DH for years and years on 50/50. Suddenly, the girls skid turned 12 (and horrid) and she agreed with very little pressure. I immediately regretted helping my DH get 50/50. The girls skid antics ramped up. The skids had been used to non-parenting for far too long. Good luck. But by 14 I'm betting you will be crossing those fingers, hoping that you won't be stuck with her full time.

I love dogs's picture

He sent me a screen shot of her saying "That's fine. I think it'll be good for everyone." Then they had a phone conversation. SD has spring break next week so they will start the new agreement next week or the week after.

lieutenant_dad's picture

BM used to keep the boys from DH as much as she could. I think she wanted to keep her "perfect family" with her DH when they married. She NEVER gave extra time unless it benefited her, and if something she wanted to do was on DH's weekend, she'd withhold the kids. DH could have fought it, but he didn't for a multitude of reasons.

It has only been in the last 1-2 years that DH has gotten extra time. Not 50/50, but that is because DH refuses to live that close to BM because he knows that she'll CONSTANTLY have something she needs/wants from him, and she'll constantly just drop the boys off or expect him to always pick them up, etc. I'm not saying these are things DH shouldn't do as a parent, but there would be zero schedule.

Anyway, the extra time started when the boys hit the teen/pre-teen years. They really dislike their SF, so my guess is that they either fight or ignore each other (well, OSS does that; YSS is struggling with this relationship). They don't want to spend all their time with BM, SF, or GBM, but that is what BM and GBM want. They argue with BM. In general, they are tougher to deal with and don't make BM the center of their universe. So, I think BM is fine giving them up more.

I'm actually quite surprised that we have them this week because BM is currently not working, and in the past, when she's not working is when she is throwing a bigger fit to have them. They are with us this week and with GBM next week. I'm sure BM will spend time with them, but this situation just reinforces my thoughts.

Here is my word of caution for you: Your DH, with 50/50, needs to have FIRM rules. The boys have different expectations when they stay at our place for an extended period of time versus on a weekend. Weekends can be short bursts of fun, but weeklong (and longer) visits need more structure, chores, rules, etc. SD may really enjoy your house if you and DH have traditionally catered to her, but you won't be ale to do that 50% of the month - or your DH will try and you'll go mad. Extended visits are different from weekends, so your DH needs to prepare himself AND SD for the change to a more  "normal" experience.

Also, agree with all the others about court. BM will likely be cool with this so long as CS keeps rolling in. The minute CS stops will be when she loses her mind. I'd get into mediation ASAP to get 50/50 sorted versus getting 1-3 months in and having BM renege, or SD decides your house isn't fun anymore, or whatever. If being with your DH is truly what is best in the long term, get it on paper ASAP.

I love dogs's picture

I value your advice very much. SD has basic "chores" but we (he) will definitely add on more responsibilities as needed. She is pretty good about taking care of her things, but also needs reminders for most of it. She is really motivated when it will benefit her such as being able to hang out with her friends.

DH's buddy plays guitar at our church and said he would give SD lessons. We want her to branch out socially and be involved in more activities. She also wants to learn to shoot our .22 rifle and pistols. I am very excited.

DH could give 2 sh!ts about the child tax credit so he will gladly let BM have it- earned or not. He won't fight over a couple thousand to see his kid more. I am, however, afraid about the CS situation. BM would probably owe him BUT I'm sure they will allow DH to opt out if necessary. 

Also, mediation conversations can't legally be documented so I'm afraid that they will still have to compromise with the hearing officer or a judge. Their CO is very vague so some things will need to be readdressed such as medical expenses, holidays, etc.

I love dogs's picture

If it was up to me, I'd switch their current custody agreement and make DH the CP,  giving BM every other Saturday (instead of Sunday) from 9am-4pm and Mondays and Tuesdays from 4-6pm to do homework so that she's "involved". I would love for Karma to bite her in the ass for the Hell she's put us through all these years. I have a feeling it's coming around in our favor.